She's home and I feel gratitude

[Gorges]

My 19 year old daughter has had a year and a half of extremely poor choices and drama.  The most recent poor choice made her realize (at least momentarily) that she wants to change.  She had been living in an apartment so on her own suffered the consequences of her poor choices.  There was just some major drama and she wants to come home and "be normal".  I have let her and set up a pretty strict contract for her.  No drugs, abuse, and pretty strict about what she can and cannot do with regards to just healthy living in general and being productive.  She has her apartment available to her for another month.  So, if it doesn't work out she can go back.

For this first week, I have been very angry at her.  But, for the most part she is making the changes I want.  So, I will try positive now. It is tough because to get her out of her bad habits she needs a fair amount of structure and change.
I am happy that we get another chance.  She said that she really needs to have a positive experience with living at home and wants to make it happen.  We will see... .I know that I will need to take care of myself because this could be a bit of a roller coaster and there really is not a certain "way" to do all this. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

Hi gorges

Such news... .things can change so quickly can't they. It can come as bit of a shock as it's such a sharp contrast to the normal "nothing is ever going to change" mode. The mix of emotions is complicated.

Your daughter is trying and that's stupendous. I caught myself a lot of times when my DS came home at 24. He was reluctant and resisted taking responsibility for himself. It sounds like your daughter has matured and is ready for change. Sounds like you're both ready to explore a way together.

At 22 my DS was like 15. At 24 (after being away) more like 20. Now at 26 he's 24. He is maturing, learning by his mistakes. It takes him 6 months to achieve what most probably should take 6-8 weeks. Progress isn't linear and I need a lot of patience.

Thanks for sharing and posting. It's good to hear.

LP

[MomMae]

Hi Gorges,

That is great that your daughter is back home... .and that it is because she wants to be and has asked for this chance.  I can feel your relief, as well as your understandable trepidation, in your post.  I think that you have gone about things in exactly the right way... .laying out your expectations.  It is so important to know what we can live with, and what is a non-negotiable.  And the fact that she still has her apartment to go back to for the first little bit should things not work out is the perfect safety net for you.  I also think the fact that she has approached you while she actually still does have another option of where to live speaks volumes regarding her honest attempt to try and make this work.  She did not approach you just out of sheer desperation of being homeless.

I hope so much that this has a positive outcome for all of you.  And a positive outcome by no means has to be a perfect outcome - just that you are all in a better place!  Sometimes it seems that the good news stories are few and far between on this forum. Thank you for posting, Gorges.    MM

[Gorges]

Thank you and yes I will keep you posted.  It is a another chance for us and I will try to use the tools.  I will keep you posted!

[Yepanotherone]

I'm rooting for you Gorges and keeping  everything crossed that this next phase is a positive one for all xxx

[wendydarling]

Hi Gorges

I'm so pleased your DD is home, says she want's to get well, to take on responsibility to make it happen as we know is key, they need our support. Sounds like you've done a great job with the contract, setting boundaries as LP says this road is not linear, it's no race and there will be bumps where we need to get back on track. Is your DD still in therapy, is she learning the skills how to manage her emotions, change behaviour, that you can support through your use of the tools?

Day by day works for me and my DD says double validation works for her 

Hope you have a good week ahead Gorges.

WDx

[Mirsa]

Oh, GOOD LUCK!   

I hope to never be in your shoes, but I most likely will.  My DD is 16 1/2 and it's been a rocky road and it's gonna continue, no doubt about it.  I'm doing my very best, and that is all any of us can do.  For rn, she is living within my limitations, but as she gets older, that will change.  I'm anticipating the worst as you can see, so maybe that will help.  Only thing I can offer is that it seems really important for her that I be her cheerleader.  I am constantly encouraging her and telling her she CAN change and be better and be different and move forward.  As others have said, it is one step forward, a step back, a step to the side, and then a shuffle forward again.  It looks like going in circles, but it's more of an erratic spiral I think... .one that moves her slowly, oh so slowly forward.  Again, keep encouraging her and telling her she CAN do it.  But, I'd also say detachment is important.  I expect and anticipate failure, so that I'm not disappointed in her when it happens.  It's like helping a toddler to walk I think... .you expect them to fall all the time, and so you keep picking them up, placing them on their feet, and encouraging them the whole time.  Guess what... .they eventually walk on their own! 

[Gorges]

Thank you everyone, Mirsa, your advice was so helpful.  I got on-line tonight because I was feeling discouraged.  I had 2 hour conversation last night with my daughter and I felt so hopeful because she acknowledged her problem of an internet addiction and not being productive and missing out on life.  She slept for 12 hours without her phone.  I left her alone today and she had the goal of cleaning her stuff and did not do it.  When I came home she was getting ready for work and still watching youtube videos as the same time.  I am frustrated that she understands her problems, but doesn't consistently work towards a solution.  She gets caught up in her own drama.  I just told myself that as long as she is not abusive or doing drugs, she can stay with us because at this point because we provide role modeling and relationships.  The problem is that if I nag too much and show my disappointment and that damages our relationship.  I do need to work on being her cheerleader for when she is doing the right things and being headed in roughly the right direction.  I am anxious that she will not make it through this semester because she is being so inefficient this summer.  I do wonder if she would benefit from ADD medication.

But, I should cross one bridge at a time.  Again, as long as she is not abusive or doing drugs and roughly headed in the right direction she can stay with us.  If she fails or drops out of college this semester (her college is 2 miles from our house), then we will cross that bridge when we get to it.

One limit I do want to put down is that she likes to have late night conversations with me, and I enjoy the fact that she is clear on her goals and what is wrong.  The problem is that she does not follow through and I am tired the next day.  I do not sleep in and I do work so I don't have the same time that she does.  I will figure that out at some point.

[Lollypop]

Hi

I just wanted to join in if that's OK.  I've a few hours to myself and popped on the forum.

I expect and anticipate failure, so that I'm not disappointed in her when it happens.  It's like helping a toddler to walk I think... .you expect them to fall all the time, and so you keep picking them up, placing them on their feet, and encouraging them the whole time.  Guess what... .they eventually walk on their own

Wise words from Mirsa.  It seems so simple doesn't it?  It took me a while to work out that this is exactly what I needed to do.

When my DS first got home I tried my "old" way. "You need to do this" mode. Doctors, benefits, treatment, job applications, interviews. Everything hit a wall. It all failed big style.

Finally, I realised I'd got a delicate orchid (complex tangle of roots) who needed to be slowly nurtured in exactly the right conditions. I didn't have a weed (with a straight direct root) that was resilient, strong, moving towards the sun and eager to live.

Gorges, you may have read all this and I'm sorry if I'm repeating myself. I felt it worth posting again and sharing.

For me, with a quiet one, I couldn't overly encourage. I had to walk a tightrope between the well intended encouragement inadvertently pressurising him, validation of his feelings as he struggled, taking an interest but not too much of an interest in his life. It seemed an impossible task.  I knew in my gut that, regardless if the living at home experiment failed, he was going to need us to emotionally support him. For that to successfully happen I needed to put our relationship as my top priority.

My way to approach this was to completely change the atmosphere in the house. Instead of the focus being on him, his problems, what he should do, what he shouldn't do, I took my pedal off the gas pedal.  Instead, I said nothing.  Believe me, this was really hard as I can talk the hind leg off a donkey!  I'd been too over involved in his life in the past.  Our lives were too serious, we never were relaxed, there was no joy because of the problems; the atmosphere just made them seem SO MUCH BIGGER!  

We are now more loving, assertive when we need to be and flexible as sometimes when things are just too much for him he slips back. After 19 months he's turning his life around and thinking about living independently. I can't quite believe it to be honest.

I focus on my own life and observe the positives in his: he's working and enjoying his job, he manages his finances, he plans, he's learning how to take care of himself in a multitude of ways, he's in therapy. It's good.

I think the important word is "observe". When he falls, we say some nice things. He gets up, we say "well done you, we really admire the way you did that".

LP

[wendydarling]

Hi Gorges

We've all been wondering how you and family are, how's it going Gorges?

WDx

[Gorges]

So far, so good.  She wants to change. Has given up weed (her drug of choice), trying to manage internet addiction, goes and likes therapist.  First week of classes.  All is good so far!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

That's so encouraging, she want's to change and taking steps. You've worked so hard I hope you're feeling some relief and comfort you deserve. 

[Yepanotherone]

I was thinking about you Gorges , all sounding positive so far   excellent stuff