Practical matter - for your own healing should you tell

[HopinAndPrayin]

Practical questions here. 

Because so many of the maladaptive coping mechanisms for pwBPD result in abuse of their SO, it can result in shame and hiding of what is going on at home by the person who is being abused.  As isolation and more abuse stacks up, that abuse may / is not seen by others, but the results on the abused are undeniable.

For our own healing, does identifying the abuse that happened and talking about it in terms of having been in a relationship with someone who is mentally ill and had some traits that caused damage by exposure helpful or not?  I dont mean just with a T and I don't mean from a blame perspective of who was at fault for the chaos or the break-up.  I mean, for objective discussion of what you experienced, removing some of the cognitive dissonance between seeing the abuser as a good person and thinking you might have been too sensitive, as well as reclaiming your own space in your head and not gaslighting yourself.

Then there are the follow-up questions:
1.  Should you ever reveal someone else's mental illness given the stigma around neurobiological disorders?  Normally, I would say to each his own, but not when you have been the target of abuse and / or they may harm you or themselves.  And for this question, I'm not talking about for mutual acquaintences and friends for the purpose of having them pick sides.
2.  Given the isolation and smear campaigns than often happen, would you be setting yourself up for more heartache because others may not believe you and depending on where you are in the timeline post-break-up, this could lead you to doubt your own version of reality even more?
3.  If sharing isn't recommended, then what do you do to accelerate recovery from the abuse and resulting cognitive dissonance?  How long does that take?

[Harley Quinn]

Hi H&P,

Whom is it you are considering sharing this information with?  Am I right in thinking you are wondering about telling the truth to those who you have been smeared to?

In my case, I've found it helpful to be open and honest.  I kept a lot of the reality from my family during the r/s and although I've not gone into details as I think it would be too much for them to hear, I've now fessed up to what I was going through in a general sense and they (surprisingly) haven't been judgemental (or at least not in my presence, which is good enough for me!). 

I'm open and honest with services with whom I engage and if anyone were to ask I'd be straight about things too.  My ex is diagnosed and makes no secret of his disorder, so I guess that is one of the reasons I'd not think twice about being straight about my experience, although if that were not the case I'm not sure I'd do anything differently.  I've been attending a 12 week domestic abuse recovery program and I have found talking about my situation extremely helpful.  What has also helped me is to speak with others who have had similar situations.  We have laughed and cried together.  The other group members are all inspirational in their own ways and I believe the more this is talked about, the more chance there is of prevention.       

One thing I've learned is that in life, no matter what is thrown at us, it's OK to be real about it and to expect others to accept that you've experienced something that is valid.  In other words, I'll never be ashamed to admit that I have been a victim of domestic violence or emotional abuse.  Because I have been, I didn't ask to be, nor did I cause or deserve it.  So to hide from the fact in my personal opinion would make me more of a victim.  I did this for too long in the past and it didn't serve me at all.  In fact I feel it fed into the reasons my pattern of unhealthy relationships kept repeating.   

As for divulging someone else's mental health, it would depend on other factors.  Such as if there is a diagnosed condition, to whom this information is shared and the reasons/intent behind it.  I don't buy into stigma.  Illness is illness in my opinion and again not something to hide, but I'm sure there are inappropriate ways/times to share another's business.  If that business is your business though that does change things somewhat in my view.  Ultimately, being on the receiving end of abuse is widely acknowledged as affecting people in all walks of life and for many varied reasons.  If it seems unfair to mention the disorder as a cause (for whatever reason) this isn't necessarily essential.  People who are not disordered can be abusive, or at least those who are not recognised as disordered.  I'd be interested in that study though... .

Love and light x

[Panda39]

Hi HopinAndPrayin,

First a disclaimer... .I'm on these boards because my SO has an uBPDxw so I was not in a relationship with a pwBPD.

I was however, in a 20 year co-dependent marriage to an alcoholic so have some things in common with people on this site... .care taking, codependent, dysfunctional marriage... .

I had an incredible year of change the year I got divorced, it began with kind of a breakdown and grew to be many breakthroughs.  I was walked through this by several supportive friends, they saw a lot of it from the outside.

At the end of the year I wrote my story, including my thoughts, emotions and lessons I'd learned and shared it with those most close to me.  For me it was important to do because for years I had been hiding my life... .hiding the alcoholism, hiding the conflict, hiding the pain, hiding behind my weight (trying to be invisible) so no one asked any questions.  It was like I threw open the doors to my life.  I learned even more by the act of writing it all down. 

Doing this wasn't about defending myself (JADE), it wasn't about bad-mouthing my ex, it was about me, my feelings, my truth, my part in things, and my lessons learned shared with the people I trusted most who had shown me incredible support. It essentially wasn't about my ex-husband at all... .yes he was in the story but the story was my story.

So I guess the questions are... .

Who do you want to tell and why do you want to tell them (what is your motivation) and can you do it while respecting your ex?

Panda39

[roberto516]

When I told my family we had broken up they were really sad. "She was such a nice girl" things like that. I thought we'd get back together but when she had detached after the abandonment fears I finally broke and told my dad about everything. I still remember his shock at how little she actually cared for me.

I never spoke to coworkers during the relationship because they knew both of us, etc. But afterwards I knew I had to talk and I knew that they knew her as well. They were all equally as shocked. I remember telling my boss everything and then she got this look in her eyes and said "Actually, I can see that." She saw her selfishness at work and everything. Then she told me "You know, (insert ex name) was the most difficult person I ever had to supervise."

It kinda gave me validation. Now she doesn't work where I work anymore so I don't know if people are empathizing because I'm here and she's not. But it does feel good that they actually believe me and were able to kind of piece together everything based off their own interactions with her.

A part of me still felt bad talking to them. Like I was smearing her. But I had to talk to people. She got so mad when she found out I spoke to people about the relationship. Probably because she hates thinking people view her negatively and probably because a lot of it was true. The old ex she dated before me never came back to work from his leave of absence after they broke up. So we all thought he was the lunatic as she painted him that way.

Don't feel ashamed to talk about it. This is what helps with healing. To speak about it, hear other people's views and experiences.

[HopinAndPrayin]

Thank you for the replies, Harley, Panda, and Roberto. 

I think it's less that I have someone that I want to tell and more than I want to stop hiding things, talking in euphemisms, or staying silent altogether.  Similar to you, Harley, I've been attending support groups and am sharing honestly.  I had chosen Al Anon, but I'm wondering if one more focused on DV / IPV would be helpful as well.

At the end of the year I wrote my story, including my thoughts, emotions and lessons I'd learned and shared it with those most close to me.  For me it was important to do because for years I had been hiding my life... .hiding the alcoholism, hiding the conflict, hiding the pain, hiding behind my weight (trying to be invisible) so no one asked any questions. 

So much of what you wrote, Panda, resonated.  I silently suffered behind closed doors and shuttered windows.

The phrase "live your truth" has been coming to me frequently over the last few weeks.  And I realized in this dull, sickening ache, that I wasn't able to accept it, let alone live it.  And I want to change that.

I am involved in campus recruiting for my employer and I work with our Veteran Affairs Network.  I had been framing this as my ex had PTSD and we were learning to work through it together when folks ask what it's like to travel so much for work.  I had been saying it's a mixed blessing because we spent our weekends together and during the week each of us is able to focus on work or school, what have you.  The reality was I was having panic attacks and dreaded coming home, sometimes wishing the plane would just fall from the sky and I wouldn't have to deal with the lies, chaos, abuse, memory loss, and on and on.

I've been exhausted by putting this shiny veneer... .what is the term... .polishing a turd?  As I get back into campus recruiting season, the stories I tell about myself and my life are being reworded and rewritten, by choice and by better understanding what I went through.  Obviously I'm not laying out my life story for strangers, but I am figuring out new ways to talk about it and when folks ask about my H, I'm testing out how much I want to share and really thinking (maybe overthinking) about the why behind it.  I guess my original questions were really about giving myself permission to be honest - about myself, with myself, and with others, if I so choose.  I don't think I got that until I read your responses and wrote this all out.

[Panda39]

I think if it's for you and about your story or it helps someone else go for it. 

One of the people I shared my story with is someone that I recognized was in a co-dependent relationship too.  I knew I couldn't make her act on anything when she wasn't ready. 7 years later she is beginning her own journey out and she has been able to come to me for support.  She knew she could talk with me because I had been there. 

Panda39