Advice for When They Tell You They are "Better"

[SummerStorm]

I've been on these boards for a little over two years now.  I have a friend who has BPD.  And believe me, there are times when I start to think, "Maybe she was misdiagnosed.  Maybe she just needed to mature and get her life together.  Maybe she really is better."  I've seen many people, especially in the Detaching section, struggle with these same thoughts.  My hope is that my personal experience will help you see that, without therapy, they truly cannot just magically get better, no matter how much they want to, and I truly believe that my friend wants to. 

I struggle with low self-esteem and feeling like I'm not good enough.  My BPD friend knows this.  She has admitted that it makes her mad because she sees me as a witty, intelligent, caring person who is also a great friend.  She sent me 15 texts in a row the other day, telling me all of this (and more) and admitting that she knows she's terrible at replying to me and that it's her fault, not mine.  She admitted that she should apologize to me every day for what she put me through.  She told me that she's changed, that the "old her" is way behind her.  That made me think, "Ok, maybe she's right.  Maybe she has changed.  Maybe she didn't really have BPD at all." 

The problem is that BPD isn't just about rage.  It's about fear of engulfment, fear of abandonment, seeing the world in black and white, rapidly changing moods, unstable relationships, impulsive behavior, and idealization/devaluation.  My BPD friend is aware of her rage and that it hurts people.  And I can tell that she's been working to control it.  However, she doesn't understand any of her other behaviors, and she also doesn't understand how much her actions have affected people in the past and continue to affect people.  Ever since she sent me those 15 texts, she's been avoiding me.  Being honest and open like that triggered engulfment fears, along with, I'm sure, feelings of shame over how she hurt me in the past.   

So, my advice is this.  If your ex comes back and tells you that she or she has changed, pay attention to his or her actions, not his or her words.  In one of her texts the other day, my BPD friend told me that she wants us to have open communication, that I should feel free to text her whenever, even if I think that what I have to say is stupid or unimportant.    But as soon as I started talking about my feelings and about why I act out sometimes, she replied with, "Um, ok?" 

I know I'm going to get asked why I'm still friends with her.  And the answer is that I genuinely do care about her as a person and because I've moved past the "Wow, BPD people are so evil.  Never talk to them.  They will destroy your whole life and maybe even murder you" thoughts I had for a very long time and moved on to, "Ok, so I have a friend who has a disorder that she didn't ask for.  What can I learn from her, and what can she learn from me?  And how can I grow as a person through my friendship with her?"  I genuinely care about her as a person, and I know she cares about me.  I'm probably the only person to whom she's admitted her wrongdoings, and she's one of the few people I can talk to about my own insecurities.  And while her responses aren't always what I was looking for, she has given me some good advice over the years. 

And even if your ex comes back with genuine intentions, as many of them do, since I personally don't feel that pwBPD have some kind of set agenda to destroy people, it's going to be very hard for him or her to avoid exhibiting BPD traits if he or she is not in therapy. 

[lovenature]

And even if your ex comes back with genuine intentions, as many of them do, since I personally don't feel that pwBPD have some kind of set agenda to destroy people, it's going to be very hard for him or her to avoid exhibiting BPD traits if he or she is not in therapy. 

All depends on the reality they live in based on their emotion of the moment.

Good perspective Summer.

[SummerStorm]

An update:  I've been unfriended on Snapchat, and I'm sure my number has probably been blocked, too.  This is just days after she told me how amazing I am and how she wants us to better communicate.  So, this further proves my point.

[hopealways]

Yeah mine told me "Im not crazy anymore" I'm like yeah right, BPD doesn't disappear over time. I do believe when they find someone who is really great it does trigger their engulfment fears because they know it's the real thing.  That is why our replacements are often losers. (they know they are not going to stay with them because they're not that great so they don't get triggered as much)

[SummerStorm]

That is why our replacements are often losers. (they know they are not going to stay with them because they're not that great so they don't get triggered as much)

Her last boyfriend was older and a divorced father of two.  He dumped her after two months. She wouldn't tell me why, but I would imagine that he was watching her every move and looking for red flags and saw many.  She was his first girlfriend after his divorce, and so I'm sure he didn't want to enter into another bad relationship.  The guy she dated before him is her "best friend," so I'm sure that made him uneasy, too.  But anyway, she moved on from him to some loser who doesn't seem to have any direction in life, and she's back to hanging out with her druggie friends. 

[Lilacs]

Wow. This is soo timely.
My BPDsis said this to me 1 year ago.
She had cut it off back in 2012, long story.
Rekindled in 2015 bc my son was graduating.
Superficial since.
In 2016 on her 40th bday she said she was ready to talk.
I tried to take her up on it but she never met me. Then I just tried again 12 mo later bc my schedule freed up immensely so I could accommodate her schedule.
Now she says there is no need. She is in a good place.
What happened to "I am ready to talk, you must have a lot of questions, we are family and family is important."
So I told her maybe not now but someday maybe she could clear things up to me as to what happened. We went back and forth about how she doesn't see the need etc. And I said "Fine, maybe someday".
Then came the deluge:  You hurt me, you broke it off with me, I wish you knew the power of your words during the most difficult time for me... ."
So I responded. Lot of "I" statements. Lot of "We both made mistakes" etc.
Her reply: Please stop texting me. Do not email, text or send me anything."
I am so scared she will once again involve our parents (who sided w her last time) and that she will text my husband and my grown kids.
I should have known better than to try to"fix" things with her. She said she was in therapy and I thought she had some insight.
This time it is her loss.

[SummerStorm]

Lilacs,

That must be incredibly frustrating.  There is nothing worse than thinking we are going to have a serious conversation with someone and then realizing it will never happen.  The last thing I got from her was a goofy filter picture on Snapchat and a message telling me I should watch some Disney movie she'd just watched.  They can't handle adult relationships and are constantly looking for ways to place the blame on someone else. 

Why is it that your parents have sided with your sister in the past?

[Lilacs]

Summer Storm
As with BPD's they triangulate.  I kept everything to myself, she told parents "everything" I was putting her through at the most worst time in her life.  No one could see that she was going through a rough time and so took it out on me.  Instead it was the other way around, I should have let her lash out at me and realized all she was doing was b.c. of her very tough situation, and then taken it and tried to be there for her, even though she kept saying to leave her alone.  So when she said she was through, she still kept in touch w my husband.  I said that had to stop.  If she was through with me that meant every one in my family.  So she complained to my parents about this.  I was accused of taking HER FAMILY away from her at a time when she needed it the most.  I lost 3 years of a relationship w my parents b.c. of this.  They were so frustrated (?with me?) that they called me every name in the book for simple things like asking a cousin visiting them to come to my new house for a visit.  Just completely irrational.   Im so scared she will try to triangulate again with parents, my husband and even my adult boys.