Divorcing husband...he wants a chance?

[Joyel]

Hello all.

I just filed for divorce. It was the hardest decision of my life but I reached my end point. We've been together 11 yrs.

He is/was amazing until we married. More fairly due to our lives we lived in 2 cities for our 3 yrs before marriage. That is how he kept it from me.

My life with him was amazing and absolutely horrible. It is with deep regret and sadness that I opted to "save myself" via divorce.

This is the first time he admitted his (diagnosed) problem. He wants a chance as he loves me and says he never meant any of it ... .I am very uneasy as this is the first time he has ever been able to talk with me... .and under these understandably stressful times.

I can't go down the rabbit hole with him but he wants us both to seek help and opinions on if there is a chance for our marriage.

So here I am.

Fyi He is not formally diagnosed except around 13. He is 50's now.

Questions:

He is currently self aware due to the divorce. I fear it will not last and he is known to get bored or be unrealistic. I told him therapy could be 2 yrs. He says that is ok for now... .how in the world do I know if he would really stick with it?

I have tried boundaries, read every book on this earth it seemed and I am exhausted from trying. this time it would have to be him mostly... .maybe not fair but I just can't do 80% of the work anymore. I worked hard on myself and my marriage all of these years. Nothing helped (except I reclaimed some of myself)

He scares me, he may not mean things but he is manipulative. Simply put I feel he put my health in serious jeopardy... .this alone now makes me fear getting older with him. He swears he didn't mean it but I just can't wrap my brain that he is not a threat to me. I had childhood abuse and threats scare me to death, not sure I can fix that more than I have.

I cant diagnose him, I understand a therapist will need ample time to do this. I do fear he is more?worse? than BPD... .his lack of empathy and odd emotional responses, or lack there of... .frighten me.

He personally says he knows he is not bipolar, he thinks he has empathy, he was nearly put in a special school for aggressive children at 13. His siblings refuse contact with him, they call him "2-face" and claim he was aggressive and would have fits at a young age. He is extremely intelligent, educated and had an amazing high risk career. that he walked away from before I understood what was going on. I know now he was not right when he made this decision. He is also seemed to carefully trap me to him over the years, removing support, keeping me on the move, coming to control our finances etc.

These things he may have done instinctively but he did them.


Thank you for any thoughts you may have, Joyel

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[onelittleladybug]

Hi and

I'm sorry for what you're going through but glad you have found a community where many of us have been through similar experiences, and we can learn from each other. You will see from reading the posts here that you are far from alone.

I can't go down the rabbit hole with him but he wants us both to seek help and opinions on if there is a chance for our marriage.

That sounds like a good idea as you sound frightful. Having a neutral third party, such as your own therapist can be really helpful. It will also help you through this stressful time in your life.

One way to handle indecision and doubt is to postpone the decision you have to make. Do you have time? How long does the divorce procedure take where you live?

He is currently self aware due to the divorce. I fear it will not last and he is known to get bored or be unrealistic. I told him therapy could be 2 yrs. He says that is ok for now... .how in the world do I know if he would really stick with it?

Im going to say its probably impossible to know if he will, so if you decide to give things another chance you can set your own timeline. F.ex. taking inventory every few months and if there is enough improvement that you feel good enough about continuing you can move forward.

How are you feeling about all of this? Do you want to try again or do you feel pressured to?

I have tried boundaries, read every book on this earth it seemed and I am exhausted from trying.

I can only imagine how tired you must feel.

He scares me, he may not mean things but he is manipulative. Simply put I feel he put my health in serious jeopardy... .this alone now makes me fear getting older with him. He swears he didn't mean it but I just can't wrap my brain that he is not a threat to me. I had childhood abuse and threats scare me to death, not sure I can fix that more than I have.

That sounds scary. Is it your emotional health that you are concerned about or are you worried about your physical safety as well? Your safety has to come first before everything else.

He is also seemed to carefully trap me to him over the years, removing support, keeping me on the move, coming to control our finances etc.

This is very important. Is there anything you can do to change this? What are your choices as you see them? Would financial independence mean divorce or can you achieve this while you are deciding if you want to give him another chance?

Let us know how this is going for you. There are lots of resources on this site and many people in the position to give you advice. My thoughts are that it is urgent for you to get some kind of professional support (like therapy). Im repeating but its important that someone else knows what you are going through and can give you neutral but supportive advice. Are you already seeing someone?

Let us know how we can help you. We are listening. Im really glad you reached out.

[MovingOn23]

This hits pretty close to home for me. You can find my ongoing story detailed elsewhere in my posts but, like you, I have filed for divorce. My BPDw and I have been through a bit of a journey over the last 8 months. At present, things seem to be heading toward reconciliation, but there were times in this process that I would have never believed that possible (and I'm still not entirely sure I should believe it now). One major turning point for me was when my wife acknowledged and took responsibility for her own issues (which she had previously always considered "our" issues - or my issues). Now I'm waiting to find out whether it looks like we'll be able to sustain and improve our relationship, while also remaining committed to working through our own individual issues with the help of professionals.

That said, only you will ultimately be able to determine what the best direction will be for you. I have found it easy to over-analyze and quite literally make myself sick examining our problems, potential fixes, and all of the various possible outcomes - but I now believe there is a lot of merit to trusting your gut instincts.

I would also note that from what I've observed, people tend to post here a lot more when things aren't going well, and that does contribute to the appearance that BPD behaviors cannot be changed, or that there's no hope for relationships with people who have BPD tendencies. If you look in the "Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner" section you can find success stories that you may find useful.

I wish you nothing but the best possible outcome, whatever that may be.

[Joyel]

Hi Ladybug - thank you for talking with me! This is a difficult time for me... .understatement

One way to handle indecision and doubt is to postpone the decision you have to make. Do you have time? How long does the divorce procedure take where you live?

Yes, we could have some time (Sept) but he would have to waive a right. It won't hurt him but he is pushing me to dismiss divorce. I have decided not do this, even if it costs me the marriage. Simply put he has made too many threats in the past, I'm too scared to lift my "protection".

How are you feeling about all of this? Do you want to try again or do you feel pressured to?

Both. Of course I wish for my marriage but I also feel pressured, I know he is scared too but one thing... .forgive my TMI... .he is normally low on affection... .since this he is pressuring me DAILY - subtle and not so subtle. I am appalled to be honest, I made my stance clear and he just blasts my boundaries as usual. This is very disturbing to me. It has been 2 weeks... .give me a break we have gone MONTHS before during "normal" times.

That sounds scary. Is it your emotional health that you are concerned about or are you worried about your physical safety as well? Your safety has to come first before everything else.

Not sure to be honest, he doesn't hit me outright. I have PTSD due to my marriage triggering old stuff. I am doing better but I get really afraid at times. but I am also have problems... I minimize which is not good.

Some examples of what I fear/has happened; Emotional safety - big concern, I am very alone in life which scares me badly but truth is I am much calmer, get things done when he is gone. I have felt near suicidal around him and I can't let it get that far again (I have never put this on him, it is my private issue)

Physical - he is more intimidation, like warning me not to touch him, or "double comments
 such as "why worry, you may not wake up in the morning" aka philosophically no one really knows in life but fact is he tries to scare me.

Oddly worst for me... .he has gotten really mean when I cry due to massive stress from him... .he literally makes fun or imitates me like "Ohhhh the little girl is going to CRY now - don't even TRY to use THAT".

This year - my breaking point.

I was suppose to have surgery we moved temporarily to be close to surgeon... .a problem came up and he just ignored me, situation and stopped helping me. I spent months finding another doc (he stopped helping me entirely during this time and was in his "hate me" mode). I found a doc, set my appt. That is when he lost it, he threatened me iwth divorce, disappearing, told me I am on my own with surgery, paying for it, he wouldn't even drive me to the appt. He told me it was my problem, he was sick of my health issues (fyi I am normally very healthy, I do endurance sports!) and he commented outloud... .he guesses I risk permanent nerve damage.

I was stunned. I thought there were limits in our life, I just have no words for this.

So I canceled as I couldn't do this on my own or handle the stress. I was petrified. Then he booked me a ticket home one day before my birthday so I would be alone in an empty house. I had friends there who had planned a celebration. He even paid more for the flight just to do this to me. I am older, this really isn't about the bday but how utterly PETTY and cruel he gets.

I have no words for this stuff. I am crushed at the thought of having this scary surgery all alone, no support... .I wish I could have him around for this but that is my fear and sadness. When I think of this I am so angry with him I don't think I can ever forgive him.

This is very important. Is there anything you can do to change this? Would financial independence mean divorce or can you achieve this while you are deciding if you want to give him another chance?

Yes on both. I have legal constraints in place, he admits to the threats but says he never intended to do any of it. (FYI - PARTLY true). If we decide to "try" we will move assets back to me and do legal separation or post nuptial. He agrees to this and we are discussing details. I will not even try without this, he threatened me too many times to waive this part.

Let us know how we can help you. We are listening. Im really glad you reached out.

fyi I reconnected with my therapist and am reaching out to others, including support groups. My former therapist knows the situation and my husband insisted on meeting him which just happened.

My husband initially begged me to give him a chance. He said he would part amicably if I would give him a chance. He asked that we both see 2 counselors for input (4 total) and he would do therapy.

So I have done my part... .and he saw my former therapist with my help. Then he asked me to help him find another... .that didn't work out. Now he has asked me to set up/find another FOR HIM.

In the meantime, he has made travel plans for friends, etc. Again, with him, lots of talk, little/no real effort but plenty of pressure on me.

He is returning today, I will find out if he has done anything re his promise(s). Or if he is just setting me up for a final push to get me to dismiss divorce. It is bizarre, he has a legal deadline in 10 days, has done little/nothing... .I fear he just assumes he will get me to dismiss. I guess I'll know soon.

Thank you for listening! Joyel

[Panshekay]

I am truly sorry you are going through all this, it is exhausting. I also fear the same thing as you, that it's all talk to have you stop the divorce. The past predicts our future if things don't change.  Let us know what you found with his return... .that should tell you what's going on or not going on.  I will wish you peace and discernment.  Stay strong. You have support here.

[Joyel]

Update:

He returned, simply put I offered to keep my divorce going but we have until Sept to figure things out, no lawyer and should things look promising i can let it dismiss... .after we do the legal financial stuff he promised etc. This would keep things private for him etc. I offered legal thing so he can't be taken advantage of. I worked hard on this to sort it out.

He responded by getting very hurt cried, etc, broke my heart to be honest. And responded with a 48 hour ultimatum that I have to drop divorce as he "promises" not to put me at risk. Otherwise vague statement that he will do what he needs to "survive" and he will disappear in 48 hours to unknown end.

So it appears his promise to let me go if that's what I decide and do so collaboratively was not honest. And now his ultimatum and how dare I not trust him. I will be alone, surgery etc. he will not be here to help me.

Yup, this is more what I expected except he is acting sad instead of angry/arrogant. I really wonder if the sadness it is an act. In the end he has done virtually nothing but I am suppose to trust him ultimately despite threats over years. He has visited friends, looked for eyeglasses, plannned a trip for other friends... .but hasn't taken 10 minutes to find a therapist to visit. He keeps asking me to do it for him and/or he "forgot the website".

He left, no clue where, maybe not about me but this is standard upset me material.

So he may be acting out or as I feared, this is just another manipulation. He has given me nothing but promises and pressured me brutally, he says these last 2 WEEKS are destroying him, how can I do such a thing to him... .so bad of course.

But he can rage at me from Jan - April, stop my critical surgery putting me in a place where I am in constant daily pain and risk nerve damage. But these 2 weeks are SO HARD for him.

Pardon my complaining but this is the crazy making behavior I just can't take anymore.

Thanks for letting me vent. Joyel

[Panshekay]

Stay strong. He seems to be trying a different tactic with being hurt and crying. How are you feeling about going through with the divorce?  The biggest red flag is he hasn't done what he told you he would do but is busy doing things for others.  You should be at the top of his list, not the bottom.  Sounds like you need to have your surgery done soon, please take care of yourself and do NOT let him sabotage that again. This is your health... .be proactive. Blessings.