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I have been married with someone who acts as though they have BPD and also has chronic depression.  We married over 25 years ago.  I fell in love with his idolization of me and I was moved by compassion for his pain.  I thought I could fix his wounds but nothing I every did made a difference.  Eventually we had two children and realizing that I could not commit the emotional energy he needed to the relationship anymore, I I found him a therapist.  He apparently fell in love with his therapist and then had an affair with one of my work colleagues.  He abruptly abandoned me with a three year old and an infant by moving out and pursuing his affair.  We moved towards divorce but before I could finalize it, he lured me back with promises of therapy and an intact family.  He ended the affair.  We were in couples therapy for over ten years but he never moved back into my house. While not romantically involved, we had dinner together every night and went on vacations together as a family.  We spent all holidays together and behaved like a family in most ways.   A few months ago, I discovered he had been in a relationship for probably two years. He claims he told me in therapy that he wanted to see other people but neither I nor the therapist recall this conversation.  I told him I wanted a divorce.  Last night he abruptly texted me that his lawyer had filed and there were papers for me to sign.  Despite wanting the divorce, I am devastated by the loss of family and the invasion of yet another "affair".

[mary2000]

I have been married with someone who acts as though they have BPD and also has chronic depression.  We married over 25 years ago.  I fell in love with his idolization of me and I was moved by compassion for his pain.  I thought I could fix his wounds but nothing I every did made a difference.  Eventually we had two children and realizing that I could not commit the emotional energy he needed to the relationship anymore, I I found him a therapist.  He apparently fell in love with his therapist and then had an affair with one of my work colleagues.  He abruptly abandoned me with a three year old and an infant by moving out and pursuing his affair.  We moved towards divorce but before I could finalize it, he lured me back with promises of therapy and an intact family.  He ended the affair.  We were in couples therapy for over ten years but he never moved back into my house. While not romantically involved, we had dinner together every night and went on vacations together as a family.  We spent all holidays together and behaved like a family in most ways.   A few months ago, I discovered he had been in a relationship for probably two years. He claims he told me in therapy that he wanted to see other people but neither I nor the therapist recall this conversation.  I told him I wanted a divorce.  Last night he abruptly texted me that his lawyer had filed and there were papers for me to sign.  Despite wanting the divorce, I am devastated by the loss of family and the invasion of yet another "affair".

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Mary-

Welcome to the BPD family.  I am very sorry for the pain you've gone through in your relationship and the pain you're feeling now.  You'll find a very supportive community of friends here and many helpful resources to assist you in Detaching emotionally from your husband, which will likely be difficult.  But we're here to support you through this process, and you'll find your way back to "you".  And believe me, Mary, "YOU" are a good place to be.  Please have the confidence that you WILL heal. 

Divorce is never easy even under the most amicable circumstances-there is always a huge sense of loss.  You don't mention much about your husband's BPD traits, but people with those traits tend to live by their own set of rules, not ours.  We are referred to as "nons".  And they frequently do not consider the impact their behavior has on those who love them.  It simply doesn't occur to them most of the time.  If your H believed he was providing what you expected, then anything else he did (in HIS mind) was OK.  Lying is OK with them (the story of telling you and your T that he would see other people)... .so try not to second guess yourself.  You likely didn't "forget" a conversation.

Can you provide a bit more information about why you believe he has BPD traits?

You do sound like a remarkably strong woman, and it sounds like you've done what you needed to do to take care of yourself and your children over the years in terms of your husband- i.e., finding a therapist when his depression became more than you could handle.  And living apart... .I imagine there's a LOT to that history.  And I say good for you.
 
I also highly commend you on remaining faithful to your marriage in spite of denying yourself intimacy for several years (you don't say how many years, but more than 10, right?).  Not many people can do that at so young an age - and your husband clearly could not do it any longer.  I have to admit... .I don't think that I would have been able to deny myself that at such a young age and for so long - and I don't have BPD.  And Mary, you ARE worthy of being truly loved and cherished, too.

Please do yourself one huge favor.  Please try NOT to negate the times you DID have family feelings over the years.  Don't take that away from yourself.  Be here now.  In this arena, I DO know what I'm talking about... .my marriage.  If you must, just be upset over his "misunderstanding" over the last two years.  In many ways you will always be a family.  Your H has a mental illness.  He does not function with the clarity that you or I do.

Look your beautiful self in the eyes and realize what you did to help this man.  You did NOT turn your back on him and his illness.  You gave your children a father and family memories.  You allowed this to happen.  So hold your head up high, forgive yourself and don't look back.  Keep your head where your heels are.  And now try to live for YOU.  Yep... .it's time to live YOUR life.  And realize... .your H (with those BPD traits) will likely still lean on you.  So you may eventually need to establish ground rules with your T as you step forward with your life.

Please let us know a bit more of how you're feeling and what you've dealt with so we can be your support.  Disclose at your own pace and as often as you need to - VENT - this is your safe place!   Chances are pretty darn great that someone here has been through something very similar.  And all of us know what it feels like to be in relationships with people with BPD.

Mary, the devastation you feel now will begin to lessen.  Please be kind to yourself.  Try to get good rest, eat well and take walks to clear your head.  We are here for you.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[mary2000]

Dear Gemforeyes,

Thanks so much for your reply.  I admit to tearing up when I read your response.  Thank you for the support. I really do need it. 

This is why I think he has BPD traits:
1.  He told me that he has a fear of abandonment.  I think that in our relationship, this has led to infidelity.   avoidance of intimacy and devaluation of me.
2. When we first met, he idealized me to such an extent that I had to stop seeing him for a while because it was overwhelming.  Then, like a switch, I became everything that had gone wrong ever.  I found emails that he had written to a lover; he was pursuing her in the same extreme way that he had previously pursued me. 
3.  During a crisis that occurred after I found out about his first affair, I found out he had been suicidal for some time.  He would go into our basement and put a gun in his mouth.  He also self-harmed by driving nails into his skin. 
4.  During our therapy sessions he described feelings  of extreme emptiness, being "broken up in pieces" and having no sense of self
5.  He used to drink too much but he gave that up and has been completely dry for years.  However, during his crisis he used to grind up his prescription medicines and inject them. 
6.  His moods fluctuated dramatically over the course of the day - switching from sadness to agitation to anger. 
7.  In therapy he described feelings of extreme rage that he worked hard to control
8.  He had cognitive distortions that I never realized  until we did therapy together because he would keep them to himself.  Maybe he knew they were distorted thoughts but couldn't stop them. 
9.  He described dissociative symptoms in therapy
10.  His therapist told me that he suffered from having experienced childhood trauma (poor parental relationships, mental illness in the parents and a brother who died, possibly suicide but could have been an accident)


Right now I feel used because I really tried to be there for him.  I got him through his crisis and hospitalization and then stayed with him instead of divorcing him because he asked me to.  He said he asked me to because he, "didn't want to die" but now I realize that he also didn't want to try to have an intimate relationship, just a relationship that provided stability.  He stayed at his house instead of moving back with the family so that he could seek other relationships when he needed to.  I feel like my existence was to stabilize his ability to pursue his "saviors".  I feel abandoned, again and I am grieving for the family I thought my kids would have at least until they graduated from highs school. 

Thanks for asking.
Mary 2000

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Mary-

Please let yourself cry.  There is no shame in that... .and I'm guessing you've spent enough hours holding back tears.  You don't need to do that with us.

I am by no means a therapist, but the way I see it, the feelings he has for you are the closest thing to love this man has or will ever feel.  It definitely sounds like he has some strong BPD traits, but also some other things going on.  And the fact that he was able to describe the rage he felt, but didn't exact that horrible punishment on you is a relief.  Most of the pwBPD that I've read about CANNOT control the rage.  My BPD BF could not control the rage around me and it was terrifying and so hurtful.  But we met when we were older, and he has been in so many relationships in his life.  He is begging for stability now and really trying to control his anger.   I am the only person he trusts, aside from his mom, who is now ill.  Plus now that I understand what's happening, I am different toward him.  My re-engagement with him is currently experimental - I can't risk my whole heart again, and he seems to know this.

Please try not to feel used.  I don't think he intentionally used you.  If anything, he used the affair partners.  They were the ones filling a temporary need in him.  It appears to me, from my mile high view, that in order to protect you and your children from his dysregulation (or disregulation), he needed to keep some space.  That was, in his disordered mind, the only way for him to maintain his "stability".  But this is something he would never be able to explain.  And likely bringing in romance and intimacy would "naturally" lead to reuniting into one household.  I don't think he could do that "to" you.  Because in his way, he DOES LOVE you.  It's just not the way that we love.  It's love in a sort of selfish, disordered way.  But unlike most pwBPD, it seems he has never hated you.  I know it's hard to understand.

Dear Mary,  when you are feeling a bit better, you may find that it's a relief to not be responsible for him any longer.  But please work with your T to devise a plan for acceptable visitation with your children.  How old are they?  Is your H going to be held responsible for explaining the real reason behind the divorce?  Another painful topic... .but he doesn't have to disappear from their lives. 

We all know that he is not going to  magically "snap out of" his lifetime mental illness.  When his affair partner disappoints him, you have to be careful that he doesn't lean on you as a "friend".  You are NOT his friend.  He needs to be clear on that.  Maybe work with your T to define your role to your H so he doesn't lean on you in a way that causes you additional pain.

Mary, you know our culture and human beings are really odd and interesting.  There are unfortunately SO MANY people who should NEVER marry, but they feel the need to procreate, they need someone to take care of them and so they marry.  And then they become serial philanderers, but they STILL want someone at home to take care of them.  Lots of people who are supposedly "normal" behave in this manner.  I have swallowed the bitter pill of a 19-year farce of a marriage.  And I was the only one who didn't give him children... .I was the third wife who took care of and educated all the kids.  He only came clean about one affair.  He cried and cried... .scared to death that I would leave him.  So I forgave him and then I blindly trusted him for another 13 years, until he threw me across the room and into a wall.  Yep, I blindly trusted him because I don't know how to live any other way.  And I don't care what he did.  But I won't be sorry for his lies... I can't be embarrassed for his emptiness.  And neither can you.  When I return to my old town, he tries desperately to see me.  This man who I was devoted to, who cheated on me and now just wants to look at me.  He's repulsive to me and I won't let him near me.  But I will NOT forget all the wonderful music parties I had in my home and all the gatherings of friends... ,I just can't see his face there.  It really is like he has disappeared.  His image left me pretty fast.

Mary, I know that As you move through this healing process, you will do a deep dive into yourself.   And you'll begin to see how much you did to save this man and how you helped your children.  We all have our reasons for doing things the way we do... You don't owe ANYONE an explanation for anything.  And soon enough, you'll begin to heal and learn that you are beautiful and vital and there is a healthy man out there who's been waiting his whole life to meet you.  Yes Mary... .you'll soon see, it's time to start living YOUR life.

So let me ask... .if you didn't have the burden of trying to save him from his emptiness, and you were allowed to be a bit selfish, what would you like to do?  Is there something that you wished you could do but just couldn't ?  Was he ever jealous?  Are you working outside the home?  What do you do for you?  Please take whatever time you'd like to answer.  I'm not trying to be intrusive, and these can just be questions you ask YOURSELF.  No need to even answer me.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes