Disturbing Discoveries after sudden death of my husband

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I just happened upon the "Walking on Eggshells" book while browsing amazon books.  I had no idea there was any help out there for the survivors of these individuals.  My husband very recently and suddenly died and while cleaning and packing up I discovered his journals that I knew he kept but of course NEVER considered reading.  I wanted to see if he had anything written on the last day that would indicate that he was not feeling well (he died of a massive cardiac event while out running).  While flipping through to find the last entry I came across evidence that he had been seeing other women much to my gob smacked surprise.  The one thing he ALWAYS would tell me was that I never had to worry "at least he was not one of those that drank or fooled around".  He despised that kind of man, even our daughter can attest to this.  I did wonder at times, me thinks thou dost protest too much!  I have come to the conclusion that he was much, much sicker that I realized.  Although he had been seeing a therapist and was on medication I never saw that it helped him much.  He seems to have gotten validation of some of his actions from this person.  His therapist had requested that I be involved and I thought it was a good idea, but it never happened.  I believe that he never made it happen because it would obviously not suit his purpose to have me temper his opinions. 

 I am devastated.  I had a hard time at the memorial service because of this knowledge I now had, he had an high profile academic administrative position and the university had a special service to honor his passing.  All the lauding and praising of his character mad me want to scream.  I did not and had not seen any of this for years.  I also believe that he was able to manipulate his therapist. 

[PlumPetunia]

I just happened upon the "Walking on Eggshells" book while browsing amazon books.  I had no idea there was any help out there for the survivors of these individuals.  My husband very recently and suddenly died and while cleaning and packing up I discovered his journals that I knew he kept but of course NEVER considered reading.  I wanted to see if he had anything written on the last day that would indicate that he was not feeling well (he died of a massive cardiac event while out running).  While flipping through to find the last entry I came across evidence that he had been seeing other women much to my gob smacked surprise.  The one thing he ALWAYS would tell me was that I never had to worry "at least he was not one of those that drank or fooled around".  He despised that kind of man, even our daughter can attest to this.  I did wonder at times, me thinks thou dost protest too much!  I have come to the conclusion that he was much, much sicker that I realized.  Although he had been seeing a therapist and was on medication I never saw that it helped him much.  He seems to have gotten validation of some of his actions from this person.  His therapist had requested that I be involved and I thought it was a good idea, but it never happened.  I believe that he never made it happen because it would obviously not suit his purpose to have me temper his opinions. 

 I am devastated.  I had a hard time at the memorial service because of this knowledge I now had, he had an high profile academic administrative position and the university had a special service to honor his passing.  All the lauding and praising of his character mad me want to scream.  I did not and had not seen any of this for years.  I also believe that he was able to manipulate his therapist. 

[Harley Quinn]

Hi PlumPetunia and Welcome 

I'm so sorry that you have had two massive successive blows like this.  It's no wonder you're feeling devastated.  Anybody would.  How long were you married for and do you have children? 

You have come to the right place for support and a chance to share with others who can understand.  The community here will listen and you will find that people will relate to your feelings about this revelation regards your late husband's fidelity.  You are not alone.

Keep posting and reading here, as you will find the site a source of great information and knowledge.  We can help you with this.  Let us know how best we can support you and if you have any specific questions we can assist you with.

Love and light x

[hopealways]

Welcome Plum
I cannot begin to imagine how difficult this must be for you.
One of the reasons I have difficulty trusting people is exactly this: you just never know and many share the same stories you do. Add BPD to the mix and the chances are much greater that they are being deceptive, and masters at the cover-up.
My BPDx once told me "I am the only one who can manipulate so n so": sometimes one statement is such a red flag that it alone should be sufficient to walk away. I didn't.

Looking back I realize that if I had only listened, she was telling me everything that was wrong with her. Yet I chose to stay for the fantasy.

[Radcliff]

Welcome PlumPetunia!

I stumbled around figuring things out for myself for 20 years until someone mentioned the book "I Hate You Don't Leave Me" to me.  I all of a sudden realized -- Holy c$@p, this is a "thing!"  I then found "eggshells" and then "Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder."

Please stay with us for a while, this is a good place.  You may be tempted to put the BPD thing away, but may find great value in putting effort into understanding it.  You've undoubtedly pieced many things together on your own, as I did, but understanding that so many others have faced similar things is huge.  You may also find parts of your experience that fit the patterns, though you had not connected the dots. Understanding what you've been through is important to building a new future.  

One aspect of the experience that I still find completely baffling is how wonderful and amazing my wife can be as a wife and mother -- truly gifted at many human interactions -- yet how destructive and off the wall she can be, particularly with me.  I still cannot imagine how one person can be what feels like two people.  What I'm getting at is that if there are parts of your life with your husband that were good, parts of him that were wonderful, give yourself permission to keep those parts of your experience even as you are coming to terms with how much damage his behaviors may have done.

One place to pay special attention to, especially if you have been going it alone, is rebuilding your self esteem.  Regardless of how strong you are, self esteem can take a huge hit when living with BPD.  

 You have had a tough time in so many ways and suffered a huge loss.  But I hope you can find the joy of healing and blossoming again!