Just starting to explore this, feeling a bit overwhelmed

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi all, I’m new to the site and thought I would introduce myself.

After 14 years in very tempestuous relationship with my partner, who I love very much, I have very recently come to suspect that she has BPD (she at least has traits of it) and that I am co-dependent. We have lived together for 12 years and have no children. Throughout our life together I have found my partner prone to explosive bouts of anger, episodes of very low moods, catastrophising and blaming in response to stressful situations, pushing me away / withholding behavior (silences etc), and what I now see as painting me black and white. I believe she also demonstrates controlling behavior. She engages in binge drinking and is prone to impulsive spending that can result in further stress.

I have participated in, and contributed to, a cycle of fights and drama. I have for many years lived in a permanent state of stress and tension. I’ve lost confidence, and feel unloved and devalued, doubt the validity of my own decisions, and I think I’ve come to see myself as a victim. I also recognise that I have developed unhealthy behaviours – excessive drinking, and intermittent drunken ranting aimed at my partner out of my hurt and anger.

My partner is an amazing woman. She is capable of giving a vast amount of love and understanding (I have experienced both from her), she has a great sense of humour, and she can be extremely loving, caring and empathetic towards me and others, and she goes out of her way to help people. I have remained within what has for a long time been a very painful situation, and accepted not getting what I want or need, because I believe she is worth it and that despite the hurtful behaviours she loves me and that one day things will be good.

Our current situation is that, after she had an explosion of anger aimed at me, my partner moved in to a separate bedroom three weeks ago - this is the longest continuous episode we have had to date, largely I think because I had decided not to use the what I now realise were very damaging methods that have after a fashion worked before in forcing her to engage with me. Since then we have barely spoken – only to organise practicalities like who will walk the dog etc. Before starting to read about BPD, I tried holding out an olive branch and this was rejected. I’m now trying to educate myself so I can know best how to move forward for me, her and us together.

I’m finding reading the posts on this site really helpful, respectful of all parties and positive, which is welcome after some of the materials I have seen in the brief time I’ve been researching. Although I’m feeling guilty, scared and overwhelmed and am unsure what to do yet, I am also relieved and hopeful my partner and I can find a way through.

[Kelbel]

Hi all, I’m new to the site and thought I would introduce myself.

After 14 years in very tempestuous relationship with my partner, who I love very much, I have very recently come to suspect that she has BPD (she at least has traits of it) and that I am co-dependent. We have lived together for 12 years and have no children. Throughout our life together I have found my partner prone to explosive bouts of anger, episodes of very low moods, catastrophising and blaming in response to stressful situations, pushing me away / withholding behavior (silences etc), and what I now see as painting me black and white. I believe she also demonstrates controlling behavior. She engages in binge drinking and is prone to impulsive spending that can result in further stress.

I have participated in, and contributed to, a cycle of fights and drama. I have for many years lived in a permanent state of stress and tension. I’ve lost confidence, and feel unloved and devalued, doubt the validity of my own decisions, and I think I’ve come to see myself as a victim. I also recognise that I have developed unhealthy behaviours – excessive drinking, and intermittent drunken ranting aimed at my partner out of my hurt and anger.

My partner is an amazing woman. She is capable of giving a vast amount of love and understanding (I have experienced both from her), she has a great sense of humour, and she can be extremely loving, caring and empathetic towards me and others, and she goes out of her way to help people. I have remained within what has for a long time been a very painful situation, and accepted not getting what I want or need, because I believe she is worth it and that despite the hurtful behaviours she loves me and that one day things will be good.

Our current situation is that, after she had an explosion of anger aimed at me, my partner moved in to a separate bedroom three weeks ago - this is the longest continuous episode we have had to date, largely I think because I had decided not to use the what I now realise were very damaging methods that have after a fashion worked before in forcing her to engage with me. Since then we have barely spoken – only to organise practicalities like who will walk the dog etc. Before starting to read about BPD, I tried holding out an olive branch and this was rejected. I’m now trying to educate myself so I can know best how to move forward for me, her and us together.

I’m finding reading the posts on this site really helpful, respectful of all parties and positive, which is welcome after some of the materials I have seen in the brief time I’ve been researching. Although I’m feeling guilty, scared and overwhelmed and am unsure what to do yet, I am also relieved and hopeful my partner and I can find a way through.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tattered Heart]

Hi Kelbel,

Welcome to the board ,

This board is very refreshing in that you don't get a lot of the stereotypes of BPD and no one is screaming at you to leave now. That's what makes this board a safe place. I'm sorry to hear that you partner is engaging in push behavior. For me personally I have not had a lot of experience with this but I know many on the board have.

You mentioned that you have tried damaging things in the past to force her to begin responding to you again. What did you do differently this time?

[Kelbel]

Hi Tattered Heart, and thanks for your response.

I usually take the silence very personally and let my partner see this. My responses have included becoming extremely emotional and / or angry to show her my pain, trying to force her to speak to me when she wanted to be isolated from me, and writing long letters and emails telling her I love her and rationalising what was happening. I was afraid of how long it would go on for it I didn’t intervene, and that I actually might lose her if the distance between us got too wide.

As I said, I have tried gently intervening on this occasion – I was going away for a couple of days and told her before I left that if she had moved back in to our room by my return that would be very welcome, and she said she was alright where she is. Other than that I haven’t made any approaches. I have made a couple of sarcastic jokes about what is happening – hot helpful, I know, and I am now set on not reacting to the silence at all. I am, though, very concerned for how long this might go on for and feel tempted to force the issue in the old way ‘one last time’, but I know that is the wrong thing to do so will resist. This is new territory and I just don’t know how this will be resolved. 

[Kelbel]

Just remembered that last Friday morning I also spoke to my OH to tell her I love her, that I recognise that her isolation from me is her way of coping, but that her behaviour is not healthy for her and causing pain to me. I was audibly fighting back tears when I spoke.

I realise now that was not a good time to talk about the consequences of my OH's actions, that I was trying to force her out of it by making her feel guilty, which is not good, and perhaps also feeding her something that she is unconsciously looking for i.e. an emotional reaction? I have so much to learn and change.

I am taking some comfort from learning that my OH really can't help this, and probably really doesn't mean the things she says that I have found so painful, frightening and confusing. 

[Tattered Heart]

Your current response, although painful, sounds like it's helping you. It's giving you a chance to look at your own emotions and how you respond to them. It's also showing your pwBPD that you won't go chasing after her like you used to and that you don't want to continue in unhealthy patterns.

[Kelbel]

Yes, my response is definitely different and is giving me some space to think. It will also be sending a different message to my OH. My behaviour isn't all healthy though: I am drinking even more than usual. Not only is this bad for me, emotionally more than anything, it will also be sending messages to my partner about my mental state, which I don't think is a good thing.

I know that I need to address my drinking for many reasons and am dreading it. I know I won't stop drinking today, but will drink less.

[Tattered Heart]

I know that I need to address my drinking for many reasons and am dreading it. I know I won't stop drinking today, but will drink less.

I don't have experience with drinking too much but I used to be a drug addict so I know that having a support system is important in the process of recovery. Are there any local addiction resources, such as AA or recovery organzations through non-profits or religious organizations? If not, can you find private help through counseling?

[Kelbel]

I don't have experience with drinking too much but I used to be a drug addict so I know that having a support system is important in the process of recovery. Are there any local addiction resources, such as AA or recovery organzations through non-profits or religious organizations? If not, can you find private help through counseling?

I did give up drinking for a month (':)ry January' last year and completely stuck to it (my OH and I were in a much better place then, and some of the other stressors I am currently experiencing weren't a factor) but I got right back in to my usual habits on 1 Feb, unfortunately.

Yes, we have AA here - we live on a small Island though so AA is not appealing from the point of view of likely seeing people there that I / my OH know / have professional relationships with – and I expect I would be talking about what is happening with my partner, which would not be fair on her. I think the counselling route is more realistic for me. The choice of counsellors here is limited so finding one that is right for me may be difficult, but I will try. For now I think I will wallow a bit more while trying to improve my habits incrementally and explore the counselling option when I'm ready.

I am thinking of speaking to a friend of us both who is very understanding and whose sensitivity and judgment I trust. I'm not sure what I hope to achieve by this – another perspective from someone who knows us both perhaps, some advice, or maybe just the comfort of talking to someone I trust and who I know cares about us both. I don’t know if this is fair to my OH though, and would welcome any thoughts on this.