Today's way of meeting people...after 50

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi, my girlfriends and I are all in our 50's. They have all tried online dating and are very frustrated. I'm too afraid of it to be honest. The old way was meeting in bars which we feel we have learned is not the best way either. I keep hearing take a class or learn a new hobby. Does anyone feel that the new ways of meeting people are just somehow not right? It's so impersonal and anyone can lie in so many more ways than in person although we all know that that leads to lies too. What the heck are we supposed to do anymore? I'm tired of obsessing over my ex and wanting to move on, but too afraid of the online scene. Should I not be? It just makes me feel like everyone is couch potatoes looking for love. Why can't we find people the old fashioned way anymore? Does age have allot to do with it? Young people still meet in school and at work. They are looking to start families. What are the rest of us doing? I just want companionship, but more than friends. I want intimacy. A shared life and shared concern for eachother. Is it possible to find love after 50? I sure hope so, but it seems most men have been burned so bad that they aren't interested in dating. The ones that are, are still playing games. I even found weirdos in church! I don't know what the answer is, but I'm feeling really down about the whole situation.

[Herodias]

Hi, my girlfriends and I are all in our 50's. They have all tried online dating and are very frustrated. I'm too afraid of it to be honest. The old way was meeting in bars which we feel we have learned is not the best way either. I keep hearing take a class or learn a new hobby. Does anyone feel that the new ways of meeting people are just somehow not right? It's so impersonal and anyone can lie in so many more ways than in person although we all know that that leads to lies too. What the heck are we supposed to do anymore? I'm tired of obsessing over my ex and wanting to move on, but too afraid of the online scene. Should I not be? It just makes me feel like everyone is couch potatoes looking for love. Why can't we find people the old fashioned way anymore? Does age have allot to do with it? Young people still meet in school and at work. They are looking to start families. What are the rest of us doing? I just want companionship, but more than friends. I want intimacy. A shared life and shared concern for eachother. Is it possible to find love after 50? I sure hope so, but it seems most men have been burned so bad that they aren't interested in dating. The ones that are, are still playing games. I even found weirdos in church! I don't know what the answer is, but I'm feeling really down about the whole situation.

[Rubies]

What passes for dating today isn't something that agrees with me.  I date myself and make sure I have a good time.  This time of year the calendar is full of community events.  I attend ones that interest me, meet new people and have a great time. Then I drive myself safely home.   I tell interesting men I'll see them at the next event.

What I have are guy friends who admittedly are "too damaged" for relationship and ones with incompatible lifestyles.  I still get the benefit of picking their analytical brains, good conversations, good vibes without any of the emotional stuff.   It feels good to not have my heartstrings wrapped on anyone's axle.  I'm not feeling too eager to bring a man into my home life so this works for me, for now.

I know many women enjoying surprise second marriages with wonderful men, so I know it happens.  Set your standards and boundaries and don't waste energy on those who don't meet them.

[HopefulDad]

Online dating portals offer a great filtering method before you even spend one iota of energy talking to or meeting the person.  Want kids?  Prefer a certain age range?  Want someone employed?  Want someone who has kids?  Want to see if you have similar interests?  Do they live near you?  And of course the biggest benefit of such portals: You know up front they are interested in dating.  Good luck getting that much info up front from meeting someone at a bar, church or at a class/meetup.  Yes, people can lie on their profiles, but how much different is that from meeting someone via other means?

The tricks to online dating... .the same tricks that apply to meeting via other means as well... .is getting over your fear of rejection, having patience and having a huge sense of humor about the whole endeavor.  If you can do this, you can meet plenty of people and hopefully find someone worth sharing your heart with. 

[Panda39]

I was 47 when I met my current partner we have been together 7 years and going strong.  We met online.  I  knew nothing about online dating the last date I had was in 1989 when Madonna was big and so was my hair   

I did a lot of things before I  got there though.  I read some dating books, I asked friends about the "rules" of online dating and about their experiences, and I literally wrote down 100 things that I would like to see in my next partner (this helped me narrow down what qualities were most important to me).

I was offered a free trial of an online service so I decided to write a quick profile and see what online dating was about. (I was planning on getting together with friends and write my "real" profile later over some glasses of wine and I'm really glad I didn't... .it would have been more about how I am perceived by others than who I really am)

There were a variety of men to choose from and because I knew what I was looking for I was able to weed out many people.  I found men that wanted a bootie call... .no, I found men looking for "soul mates"... .those I was unsure about I couldn't tell if it was sincere or was it what they thought women wanted to hear?... .If I couldn't get a read on the man from his profile I moved on, no picture... .no (being physically appealing was on my important list), men posting what they didn't want in a partner in their profile... .no still angry at the ex!... .

My SO's post literally jumped off the page... .self-deprecating humor and he talked about who he was, and what his interests were.  Interestingly my profile was much the same with some questions to the reader thrown in.

He mentioned an interest in movies and the dating site has some icebreaking questions that you could send, so I sent what are your top 5 favorite movies to get some conversation going.

We began emailing each other and really enjoying talking with each other, he was more open than I was but because he was I was able to verify some things that helped validate that he was honest.  After a couple weeks we decided to met for lunch.  I was really excited and scared to go on my first "blind date" I liked what I knew of this man so far and hoped that he would be the same when we met in person and wondered if there would be sexual chemistry? 

Our lunch turned into an 11hour date and a 7 year relationship so far.

I like everything HopefulDad posted and I would add... .

Be yourself (if your not yourself you will get a partner for the fake you), know what you want, trust your gut and your brain, and take your time. 

Panda39

[roberto516]

If I may put a spin on this that you might be overlooking. I think you are in a better spot than you realize. I have to imagine that people over 50 still have some kind of moral compass (some of them at least) and there might be guys out there who are genuinely serious about settling down in the later years.

I'm' 30 right now. Anyone around my age is so self-centered. Girls go out to the bars but don't want to be approached. People my age don't really know how to communicate anymore either. It seems like the only place to meet a partner is at work but I will never do that again... .never.

I have dabbled in the online dating thing for a little bit since the last recycle in April and it is certainly a challenge. I'm not fond of admitting it but I have a type that I like. Any girl that is moderately attractive seems to just be on those sites to get attention from people. I'm sure it feels good for them. You might talk to someone who just isn't able to have any meaningful conversation or once you stop talking when you both go to bed it's like they don't even remember you.

Just yesterday I spoke to someone who specifically mentions her favorite literary genre is older russian literature. Well it's mine too! So we start talking and its really flowing and then I send a message asking if she has read this other book and no response. Just gone. But I guess it's helping me build up more confidence and not take perceived rejection personally.

As I said, you might be in a more advantageous position than you realize. I don't think people in my generation honestly know how to love or care about others. Born and raised in a culture that stressed "me first" with the search for facebook likes and comments over anything else.

I'm slowly preparing myself for a life alone (with a bunch of dogs of course) and, for now, that's starting to look like not a bad life for me.

[bunny4523]

Hi Herodias,

I did the online dating thing and yes lots of weirdos and liars.  What I found was more satisfying for me was joining meetup groups, lock n key events or Table 4 Six.  Meetup is a place where you can log in and see what other singles are up to that weekend.  If you are interested in something, you join them.  This felt safer to me because there were also other woman there so I felt more comfortable meeting the men.  It also took off alot of the pressure.

Lock n Key was fun.  You pay per event and the woman have locks on a string and the men have keys.  You go around talking to one another checking to see if their key unlocks your lock and if it's a match, you get into a raffle.  It is easy to mingle and initiate interactions with one another.

Table 4 Six - not sure they are still in business but you would have to pay an annual fee to join.  Then the match makers put 3 men and 3 woman together for a dinner reservation. Again... .it's nice because there are other people there to take the pressure off.  Good conversation, nice restaurants and a good opportunity to get to know one another over dinner.

ok now the irony, I met a man online through eharmony like 6 years ago. He seemed like a really great guy but he was going through a divorce and I had been divorced for like 8 years so timing was off.  We weren't vibing and decided to just be friends.  We kept in touch through the years off and on while we dated other people, compared stories.  About 2 years ago, we both just got out of a break up and went on a hike... .and that's all she wrote.  We were inseparable and got married this last January.  So... .even though that dating online stuff seems like a waste of time... .you may meet 25 weirdos but I guess you only need 1 good one.

So maybe don't give up on the online thing... .but also trust your gut and be Safe!

Bunny

[rj47]

I met someone by accident on a chat site and became supportive friends over an extended period of e-mails, then messaging, then hours on video/phone. Both of us coming out of terribly abusive relationships, we had huge trust issues. We started as anonymous strangers, took it slow, learned the worst things about each other in the process and it was alright. Petrified and elated to meet on a first date; it lasted five beautiful days. It had to. She lived in a distant country. Truth is, I was in love with her before meeting. Its been two years, eight dates, and four months of time together. Difficult for the months we spend apart, the time difference is a challenge, but we make it work with daily calls and extended video dates on the weekends. We're about to make it permanent. Is it risky? Maybe. But what other choices are there?

My point is, regardless of whether a dating site or accidental meet on a chat site taking time to get to know someone before meeting might be a good thing. If you can find common connection with a quality person that is willing to wait you both might be better off.