First Post

[Cold Fire]

Hello, I will probably do a more detailed post at a later time, but I just wanted to introduce myself. I have been married for 15 years to a woman who I strongly suspect of having BPD, for many reasons (she has never been professionally diagnosed). Although not divorced (yet), our marriage has been destroyed. There is nothing left of it now and I want to leave. After years of enduring emotional and physical abuse from her, jealousy and insecurity to absurd proportions, I was hurt for the last time when she had an affair last year, when she actually did what she was always accusing me of wanting to do. My D-Day was December 22, 2016, when her affair had been going on for 8 months. I was in a state of shock and grief for months. Now I'm checking out. I loved her so much, more than I thought I was capable of loving another human being. I did everything I possibly could to make her happy. And that's what I got in return.

I found out about this site from Talk About Marriage, where a guy was talking about BPD. It has been so good to learn from that site and this one that I'm not the one who's crazy and I'm not the only loser in the world who has to deal with this nonsense while everyone else lives normal lives. Thank you.

[flourdust]

Welcome! I am, of course, very sorry to hear what has happened to you. There are many people here who have been (or are going) through similar circumstances. You're posting on the divorce board, which is the right place for people who are planning or executing a divorce. If you're more undecided, the Conflicted/Deciding Board is a better place to post. Can you tell us where you are in divorce planning?

[Cold Fire]

Welcome! I am, of course, very sorry to hear what has happened to you. There are many people here who have been (or are going) through similar circumstances. You're posting on the divorce board, which is the right place for people who are planning or executing a divorce. If you're more undecided, the Conflicted/Deciding Board is a better place to post. Can you tell us where you are in divorce planning?

Yes, thank you for your response. I'm still in the "wanting to" stage. Actually, I didn't deliberately choose this subforum; the system just put my first post here based on one of my answers to the "introductory post" questions. But it's just as well. I spoke with our lawyer and he told me we could get a "no contest" divorce within 40 days. I told my wife that and she freaked out. She called him and left him several messages telling him she didn't want that. Ever since then he's just been in limbo-land waiting for us to decide. The problem is, and by now I know I'm probably not the only who has ever been in this situation, is that my wife is not self-sufficient and is unwilling to live on her own. I'm sure she would have left me if this other guy had taken her in. After everything I had been through with her, I was practically hoping that would happen. But it didn't. So I'm still stuck with her, and hoping to be able to start a gradual process of finding her a place to live and a car, and getting her bank accounts and health insurance of her own, etc., etc. I feel like just throwing her out would be cruel but I can't be a husband to her any longer. One thing I was hoping to find here was people with similar experiences in this regard.

[flourdust]

If it's not going to be collaborative, you need your own lawyer. Can your attorney serve as your lawyer alone, or would that present a conflict of interests at this point? That's the first question you need to answer.

I gather there are no kids, which makes things much easier in a divorce. Your best approach -- after first consulting with your attorney on this -- would probably be to simply divide liquid assets and either move out or try to move her out -- and let her make her own decisions on apartments and cars.

What do you think your next step is?

[Cold Fire]

If it's not going to be collaborative, you need your own lawyer. Can your attorney serve as your lawyer alone, or would that present a conflict of interests at this point? That's the first question you need to answer.

I gather there are no kids, which makes things much easier in a divorce. Your best approach -- after first consulting with your attorney on this -- would probably be to simply divide liquid assets and either move out or try to move her out -- and let her make her own decisions on apartments and cars.

What do you think your next step is?

That might present a conflict of interest because he served as the attorney for both of us in a lawsuit in which we were both defendants a few years ago (long story). He has said he can serve as attorney for both of us if we want an uncontested divorce and we agree on things amicably; but if one of us decides to fight it, then we each have to get our own attorney.

You are correct that we have no kids. Thank God, because she would have messed them up badly. I wouldn't have minded having kids but I gave up on any notion of that a few years into our marriage when I found out how truly emotionally disturbed she really was.

I'm giving her some time to get used to the idea of separation. Maybe I'm being too nice and should force the issue at some point. I know she won't go anywhere on her own. I can admit that part of the hesitation is on my part. I want it but maybe I'm afraid to face the pain of it. It seems like a miniature death, like staring down into an abyss and not knowing what's on the other side. I was so invested in this marriage and I never imagined life otherwise. So maybe I just need some time to think through all that. But I do know that things can never be the same again.

By the way, what is the "u" in "uBPD"? I see that a lot in this group. Thank you for your replies.

[flourdust]

"u" means "undiagnosed" -- as in, "I think this person has BPD, but no clinician has ever given a formal diagnosis."

[CrossroadsGuyMn]

Coldfire... .welcome.

I can definitely empathize with your situation.

While there is no infidelity (that i know about), about 5 weeks ago I told my wife we need to start working on how we are going to divorce.

At first I thought she was progressing through the 5 stages of grief and loss.  However it ended up being one of those things where she makes progress, and then goes back to denial.


Like you, I've tried to be compassionate rather than just 'pulling the pin'.  But its looking like that is not going to be possible.  I've given myself a deadline of this weekend to see if any progress can be made.  If its not, then I am going to go to a lawyer next week and file independently.

If you browse some of the other forums on here, one of the consistent pieces of advice that you will find is to "take care of yourself".  I've found this to be great council and it has helped me immensely over the last 6-9 months.

Divorce is never easy.  I wish you all the best in your journey.

[Cold Fire]

"u" means "undiagnosed" -- as in, "I think this person has BPD, but no clinician has ever given a formal diagnosis."

Then, yes, my wife is uBPD. Always too proud to seek therapy or treatment. Thanks.

[Cold Fire]

Coldfire... .welcome.

I can definitely empathize with your situation.

While there is no infidelity (that i know about), about 5 weeks ago I told my wife we need to start working on how we are going to divorce.

At first I thought she was progressing through the 5 stages of grief and loss.  However it ended up being one of those things where she makes progress, and then goes back to denial.


Like you, I've tried to be compassionate rather than just 'pulling the pin'.  But its looking like that is not going to be possible.  I've given myself a deadline of this weekend to see if any progress can be made.  If its not, then I am going to go to a lawyer next week and file independently.

If you browse some of the other forums on here, one of the consistent pieces of advice that you will find is to "take care of yourself".  I've found this to be great council and it has helped me immensely over the last 6-9 months.

Divorce is never easy.  I wish you all the best in your journey.

Thanks Crossroads Guy. I hope you will post updates here with how it goes for you. Best wishes to you.

If you've previously posted about your marriage here and what led you to this point, do you have a link? I don't want to just ask you to repeat your story. Sooner or later I will post mine.

[Panda39]

Hi Cold Fire,

If you are interested in Crossroad's story or any members past posts you can just click on their name, it will take you to their profile and then just click on the "previous posts" link.

I also want to say I'm sorry you are going through this it isn't easy ending a 15 year relationship (BPD or not) 
It's particularly difficult with the shock of an affair (I've unfortunately been in the same position) it will take time to process.  Are you receiving any therapy at all?  It might be helpful as you transition through this change in your relationship.

Take Care,
Panda39

[CrossroadsGuyMn]

I will echo panda's advice.

When I reached my limit of coping on my own, I went to get therapy with a councilor who had quite a bit of experience in dealing with BPD. 

It helped me immensely with FOG... .(Fear Obligation & Guilt).

I will definitely post the outcomes.

[Cold Fire]

Hi Cold Fire,

If you are interested in Crossroad's story or any members past posts you can just click on their name, it will take you to their profile and then just click on the "previous posts" link.

I also want to say I'm sorry you are going through this it isn't easy ending a 15 year relationship (BPD or not) 
It's particularly difficult with the shock of an affair (I've unfortunately been in the same position) it will take time to process.  Are you receiving any therapy at all?  It might be helpful as you transition through this change in your relationship.

Take Care,
Panda39

Thanks for your kind response, Panda. I have been seeing a counselor weekly since February. He has helped me figure out that I had a "caretaker" or "caregiver" (isn't it funny how both of those words mean the same thing, even though they sound like they should be opposite?) personality. Apparently those are a good match for people with BPD. It takes a lot of time and patience to get any benefits from talk therapy but it's worthwhile.