Any Advice For Moving forward

[PainIsReal]

Hi, This is my first post.  I am in the midst of a divorce from my BPD wife of a little over one year.  It is painful to say the least and just trying to find out the best way to move forward mentally and emotionally after many many months of emotional abuse and being in constant limbo whether she was staying or leaving the marriage.  Luckily we did not have a child and the constant chaos stopped me from purchasing a home together.  My work and financial ability was very often called out and devalued that I wasn't able to completely support her completely to a lifestyle she wanted and plan for a baby without her continuing to work.  I was told repeatedly that I really didn't have a "plan" meaning one which would give her everything she wants at any given moment. 

Even though it makes no sense considering the constant drama I know that I will miss her or at least the "good" qualities.   Oooh, it hurts to admit that as I was put through hell almost every other day.  Any suggestions on the best path forward is greatly appreciated.       

[Woods77]

I dont know what your housing situation and job situation is but first and foremost look at that. Keep your job and get a house or rent somewhere away from her as soon as possible. The longer you stay the worse it will be probably if thats the case. If no choice just try and be civil and get through it best you can.

Then take every hour step by step. Be nice to yourself. Its ok to cry.

Treat yourself to nice things and over time you will start to feel better. Take things in small day tight boxes. Do today, then do tomorrow, or do an hour, then onto the next hour, just keep going and things will feel better over time.

Try not to think if only I had done this or that, things wouldnt have been any different no matter what you did. You tried and it went wrong.

Whatever she said or anyone said or thinks be nice to yourself. You are all that matters, be kind and nice to you. Good luck and take care of yourself.

[JQ]

Hello Painisreal,

Let me be one of the first one to Welcome YOU to the group~! I'm glad you found us, but sorry that you had too.  A couple of things first ... .how & when did you find out that your spouse is BPD?  Feel free to tell us what you want because no one here in the group will judge you. We've been where you've are and know the pain, the hurt, the frustration, etc.  We all have to walk our own BPD journey, but when you stumble on your BPD journey ... .and YOU will ... .turn around the group here will be here for you to help you up, dust you off, then the next step is up to you.

Some things to help get you started on your BPD journey. As Woods77 points out ... .be nice to yourself.  You're probably going through so many things in your head ... .stop it. NOTHING YOU did or didn't say, did or didn't do is or will ever make a difference in your exBPDr/s. BPD is a Very Serious Cluster B Mental illness that even professional medical doctors, Ph.d's, Clinical Therapist can not fix ... .so what makes you think that you could have?  Love does NOT conquer all.  They are very seriously broken people ... .long before you entered into the picture ... .so take a deep breath and know that things are going to get better.

YOU need to start taking care of YOU~!  You're so stressed out, not knowing what to say, do.  So one of the first things you need to do is get rid of the enormous amount of stress you're going through right now ... .go for a walk before or after work. A mile will only take 15-20 minutes at a slow pace. Think about that for a moment, you can do 3 miles in an hour just by walking. This does a couple of things for you. It'll burn off some of those calories you've been stuffing in your face and it will reduce some of the physical & mental stress that is wreaking havoc on your mind and body.

Then start eating better ... .nothing good comes from junk food ... .not even your poo.  LOL ... .AND that is to remind you to get your humor back. Humor & laughter heals the mind body and soul. Watch a funny movie ... .better yet get together with a friend or several friends & get out to a comedy club. Stay away from the alcohol as much as possible ... .it's really a depressant and gives you a lot of empty calories that you really don't need anyway.

Find a good therapist ... .I can say and others hear will tell you that a really good therapist versed in BPD vs NON/codependent is one of the important key's of getting to the other side of your BPD canyon.  They will help you sort out your emotions, feelings, thoughts into productive pathways forward. Chances are you are a Codependent aka a NON like the rest of us and they'll help you sort those things out & maybe you'll find out why you are the NON that you are.

Take notice of the small things in life because they are really the big things in life that we really never appreciate enough. Like on your walk in the morning, listen to the birds singing, the sun coming up. If it's in the evening after work then smell the fresh cut grass, or the flowers blooming or just enjoying the sun, the weather, nature.

This website has all kinds of resources at your fingertips to learn more about BPD. You'll learn about the BPD vocabulary like projection, gas-lighting, painted black/white, No Contact (NC) or Limited Contact (LC) etc. etc. etc.  I would read a couple of books, "The Human Magnet Syndrome" "Stop Walking on Eggshells" ... .both which you can probably find in your therapist office, in your local library, or even online.

Your NOT alone ... .just like you ... .most if not all of us have been put through hell on a daily basis ... .and it will stop ONLY when YOU want it too ... .YOU got this ... .and the group has your back ... .     

J

Here are a couple of video's for you to watch ... .one is motivational ... .one is funny as hell ... .& one is to let you know that it's ok to grieve ... .

"Even the most confident and motivated people will need a helping hand at some point in their life"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ZQeMv5PXhg

"Sometime people leave, ... .sometimes unexpectedly ... .take a deep breath, morn the loss ... .and start living again"   
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BsIYlgrov3k&t=131s

The 5 Stages of ... .Giraffe ... .

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_Z3lmidmrY

[Harley Quinn]

Hi PainIsReal and Welcome!  

Sorry to hear that you're in this situation, as so many of us have been or still are, but I'm glad that you found us.  It's good to come here to get things off your chest and read others' posts when you have difficult emotions and need to remind yourself you're not alone with them.  :)ivorce has to be tough, especially with a spouse who has BPD, or traits of.  Hang in there.  Who instigated the process?  

There is no shame in loving and missing someone who treated us badly.  It is however a wise decision to look at ways to support your recovery.  That is exactly what this community is here for on Detaching.  I'd encourage you to start with taking a look at the lessons (links to the right) as there is a wealth of information and some great tools available to aid you on your journey.  Also I highly recommend the articles at the top of this board.  

Give yourself opportunity to grieve fully and allow yourself to feel the emotions, accept and be with them in the moment, then let them go.  Self care is essential and finding ways to be kind to yourself and others will give you a boost.  Re connect with friends and family and re start any interests you may have allowed to fall by the wayside.  It's important to find joy and pleasure in your day in whatever way works for you.  Reach out to others, maybe a neighbour or a stranger in the street, just to connect with people.  Share a smile, a hello how are you, that sort of thing.  This is a good basis on which to build.  It will take time, and things get better.  Take small steps.  

Love and light x  

[PainIsReal]

Thank you for your responses.  It helps to know that others would understand the chaos that I was exposed to.  Our total relationship is only a little over 2 years.  We've already been separated for over 2 months and she took a separate apartment.  Because I called out the emotional abuse was her excuse for having to take a separate apartment but then at the same time was trying to hold on to staying married and working it through.  We had already been to a marriage counselor many months prior to her moving out who flat out stated he could not help us based on only 4 sessions.   In addition she is now also leaving a good job and leaving the country in 3 weeks and was trying to convince me for about the last 6 months for me to go with her as she was constantly saying how hard it was here in the U.S.  There were times I thought maybe she was right and I should leave as crazy as that may be.   I run a family business and by all standards do just fine financially and my entire family is here. She has no roots as she is semi-estranged from her family, talks to them by phone maybe only a few times per year and sees them physically maybe once or twice every 2 years.       

In regards to when I felt I knew the diagnosis, I was fairly certain BEFORE the marriage about 4 months into dating as there were signs of her over stress & daily drama and also self-harming (cutting and also witnessing head banging against a wall).  A family member of mine MSW who I consulted with alone at about 4 month of dating time frame stated it sounded like BPD but it wasn't professionally diagnosed until after 6 months AFTER being married and she sought help with a Psychiatrist.   I didn't do much deep diving online when the 1st signs occurred and thought naively she would be calmer after getting married and settling in a bit, but this was the exact opposite of what happened. 

I initiated the divorce a few weeks ago.  Even though she was the one who had moved out, was constantly complaining about me, her job, the U.S. etc etc, she seemed very angry that I took it upon myself to begin the proceeding.  Things are quieter now, much quieter.  I know I need to look after myself first and foremost.   

 

[Lucky Jim]

Hey PainIsReal, Welcome!  I agree w/those above that the first step is to shift the focus back to yourself.  Pay attention to your own needs for a change.  Be kind and considerate to yourself.  Strive for authenticity.  Maybe one step in the right direction might be to move into a new apartment.  Perhaps that would help you in this transition?  Many of us have been down this path before you so you are not alone.

LuckyJim