Controlling but felt controlled.. huh?

[Octy]

During my r/s I was constantly told not to buy so and so with my own money, yet asked why I had never bought these things when I mentioned I wish I had them towards the end.
If I asked her hadn't she just bought a bunch of clothes the day before,  that day became over(putting it mildly). This during a thousand plus dollar hotel weekend(my treat) that she treated my like crap during.  I only mentioned it because she was borrowing money monthly to cover bills, while she wasn't working as much as she was scheduled(restaurant).
She consistently told me the speed limits and that I drove too fast in the beginning of the r/s and towards the end she thought I shouldn't have my license for driving too slow (the speed limit).
She picked on my choice of clothes, yet if I agreed she needed a new pair of work shoes because her old ones were worn,  it was because I "hated" her old ones and always had.
The accusations of being up to something only to find out what she did(two wrongs made a right for her,  yet my wrongs were fabricated)with others was decimating. My nervous system was suffering trying to be the grounded one in the r/s. The fixer of the impossible.

I believe I may have accused her twice of lying when she wasn't(defended herself,  rather than the impossible denying of proof or just going silent). Lately I see something else as I still break the fog... .

Calling me a lier in so many ways to get me off track.

Controlling me with accusations so I would just shut up, even telling me she thought I meant something else by a question and that that was why I had got a untrue answer(gaslighting much). This is how I see some things as a possibility.  

Some examples(the gaslighting is still a trigger and mostly the cheating so I'm not going there)

Regularly accused of lying about my age(I look younger by ten yrs and thats not ego it just is what it is, I'm 37) even after she accompanied me to the auto registry for a replacement license,saw them hand me the temporary paper one, and saw the one I received in the mail.
Saying I may have a secret child(she was dead serious)  after meeting 10 plus members of my family(including my mother for the second time)during a week long trip and never being asked about said child even though she never left my side(I don't have children). I probably cheated on her even when her timelines were impossible. This was something that was over and over. She may say I protested to much, if she knew any Shakespeare, yet every time I thought it was over,  she'd slip a one liner in and we'd be at the start again(I defended myself too much I see now, and I believe she enjoyed it).
 I'm not even sure she knew she lied constantly. One thing said over the phone to a friend I knew not to be true,  then something else when she hung up.

Yet somehow asking her where she was when she's two and a half hours late(she did do this with plenty of people and she was consistent with the two and a half hours or more, I'll give her that) was questioning her integrity(my word but, no, she had none)? I barely questioned the impossible toward the end. Sometimes she would sceen shot things for proof I never asked for(can't always be lying right), yet I was a day away from keeping receipts to prove my whereabouts. I was called "mean"(projection)and accused of lying so much I've had people tell me I have sad and kind eyes when I may have been a little cocky when I met her. Positive? Maybe, but I serve as a second job and no one wants a sad waiter .

So manipulating and controlling, yet feeling manipulated and controlled. This is random and on my phone so I hope it's as put together as the thought that popped up. I just wanted to see who relates. Also, I'm think I am only getting worse not better(ruminating is affecting work) so I thought I'd contribute.

[Turkish]

It's been a few months since you last posted.  I can imagine the ruminations affecting your work given how much you deal with the public given your job.  I'm glad you reached out now though.  Sometimes here,  we can fall into co-ruminating, which might not be as helpful,  even if it provides short term validation. I've done it.

Have you seen this workshop?

If your goal is to get past ruminating,  this might help:

Dealing with Ruminations

This workshop is about ruminating thoughts and how to deal with them.

Rumination is a process that involves deeply reflecting on a situation. When rumination becomes difficult to control, it can lead to negative psychological effects including depression and phobias. The inability to stop ruminating on a particular thought can be a hallmark of obsession, or anxiety, or depression.

There are a number of ways to deal with ruminations.  Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is one talk therapy approach that has been show to be effective in the treatment of depressive rumination.

One psychologist (Joe Carver, PhD) suggests a simple model that we can use to "train" the brain to better deal with ruminations (see here for more).

Take a look and let me know if it's helpful.  

Turkish

[jambley]

I was accused many times of "you're trying to control me", when in fact I was the one being controlled quite often dont do this/dont do that/stop talking to people/meet me now and drop everything etc. It is tough to get your head around and very exhausting to be around that kind of person, my ex was very selfish and manipulative.

I remember innocently looking at my watch once when we were out. She hit the roof "why are you looking at the time?" It's peculiar really.

Thats just the way they are unfortunately and it is sad they behave in a selfish manner.

[Insom]

FWIW, anger, for me, was an important part of the detaching process.  It helped me understand where my boundaries were, how they'd been violated, and seemed to help produce the physical energy I needed to make a big life change.  Over time, I've come to view anger as an emotional rumble strip, a very loud signal that I've veered off course, that something isn't right, or that someone is pushing my boundaries in an uncomfortable way.

I don't see it as an end destination, but a powerful indicator of where I am on the road. 

(Oops!  Posted in wrong thread.  Sorry.)

[once removed]

During my r/s I was constantly told not to buy so and so with my own money, yet asked why I had never bought these things when I mentioned I wish I had them towards the end.
If I asked her hadn't she just bought a bunch of clothes the day before,  that day became over(putting it mildly). This during a thousand plus dollar hotel weekend(my treat) that she treated my like crap during.  I only mentioned it because she was borrowing money monthly to cover bills, while she wasn't working as much as she was scheduled(restaurant).

i think a lot of us did this - goose for the gander sort of stuff, "why are you mad at me for this when you did x y or z". certainly, i did.

i learned a lot from the fair fighting rules: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=164901.0

• Focus on solving a problem/reaching a solution rather than venting your anger or winning a victory.

• Deal with one issue at a time. No fair piling several complaints into one session.

• Stay focused on the present. Bringing up the past isn't fair

• State the problem clearly - think through what your complaint is, make sure you have all the facts.

• Avoid blaming the other parent.

• Use an "I-message" to state how you feel. When the kids come back from spending time with you they are often hungry. I am worried that they aren't getting enough to eat at your house.

• Be willing to listen to what the other parent has to say. Summarize what you hear the other person saying. This is called paraphrasing or active listening.

• Focus on the problem - not the person.

• Brainstorm solutions. Be willing to compromise. Give a little to get a little.

• Choose the best solution that will work for everybody - especially your kids.

• Implement the solution. If it doesn't work, schedule another time to talk and pick another solution.

part of the breakdown of these relationships is that communication diminishes on both sides. a lot of those rules, i already operated by generally, but less and less as my relationship deteriorated. how does that help me now? i dont know if being a "better fighter" would have made my relationship any more satisfying for me. i do know i dont want to get into a relationship where my boundaries are overstepped, or where communication has deteriorated to the point where one or both parties are not "fighting fair".

as far as a lot of your questions go, people with BPD traits are ultra sensitive, and act on their feelings. they are hypersensitive to perceived rejection, or criticism. from that perspective something like "you just hate my shoes" makes more sense. JADEing (justify, argue, defend, explain) just ups the ante, makes us look defensive or that we have something to hide, or furthers a circular argument. most of us got pretty caught up in JADEing.

additionally, people with BPD struggle with fears of engulfment. this can manifest in feelings of being controlled. the truth may be somewhere in the middle, but the perceptions can again make sense from this perspective, and there is often truth to it.

one solution: good boundaries. good boundaries mean knowing where you begin and the other person ends. they mean owning whats yours and not owning what someone is projecting (not the same thing as being dismissive, which i did, a lot). they involve respecting and accepting another person as they are, not for what you want them to be. good boundaries can keep you out of relationship turmoil and dysfunction, and may mean exiting such a relationship.

[Octy]

i think a lot of us did this - goose for the gander sort of stuff, "why are you mad at me for this when you did x y or z". certainly, i did.

as far as a lot of your questions go, people with BPD traits are ultra sensitive, and act on their feelings. they are hypersensitive to perceived rejection, or criticism. from that perspective something like "you just hate my shoes" makes more sense. JADEing (justify, argue, defend, explain) just ups the ante, makes us look defensive or that we have something to hide, or furthers a circular argument. most of us got pretty caught up in JADEing.

Two quotes I edited out the middle.
 I know I began the r/s bringing up the past as it started with a continuing sexual aspect with an ex of hers she denied until caught. Yet towards the middle I left out relation to past events. Then it became what just happened only(for the thousandth time though) was "bringing up the past". I blew it towards the end when I planned a boundary(also not new but a final call... . I was determined) conversation but she avoided me until I came home drunk(badly)  and belittled her immaturity for avoiding me and told her I was leaving the state(bad I know now as a trip to the kitchen was me leaving her for good if she woke up and I wasn't there). I believe I scared her that night. Her ex had just been at my door way to confront me(I wasn't home I was with her) as too why I was saying they couldn't go out together. My roommate called to let me know.  News to me. He had been telling her I was cheating on her but she failed to inform him we were together(who knows what we were except that 30 people from our work knew her as my girlfriend). He thought they were getting back together as they had met a couple times and he thought she was single. He told her he had reservations and gifts,  she panicked and told  him to leave her alone because I had said so(I knew nada). The night I came home and yelled I had went to a bar and saw the girl I was supposed to be cheating on her with, there with her ex.

It was all a shadow person from there out(her) . Some days nothing was my business, some days her "bf"(me) wouldn't do this or that for her(buy her a new dresser or help her get another job). For three weeks the lying escalated and I felt "frozen" to bring up the sneaking around with "that" ex even.
While avoiding me before I yelled at her(instead of a conversation we needed to have for days) she did not know he had told me she had insinuated we weren't together which brought to mind another ex. All of this became cognitive dissonance. No matter how many times she lied to me I had to believe she wouldn't anymore going forward or it wouldn't work. I mean this woman lied. A ton. Still I took it because all the posturing of r/s red lines was for naught. I was hooked.  The argument had me believing I'd lose her and had no right to bring up my suspicions. So... .
she eventually ghosted me for Hawaii became in fb r/s with another ex overnight(I knew this was a possibility). I went to our old mutual restaurant and they all told me she had said that I had gone home(I'm from and back to another U.S state). She had been living with me the entire three weeks after the argument including the hotel trip.  She came back and cheated on him with me. Slept in my bed for six nights before telling him(boundaries? What boundaries?) So she came on a planned trip to meet my family on which she blackmailed me into having sex the entire time and looking back I don't remember almost the entire week and within 6 weeks of our last breakup accepted this man's ring. I was petrified, no fight or flight, nervous system breakdown. Boundaries? Cheating was spoken about before our physical even started. At the end she would mention anything she wanted about things that had happened during breaks I didn't know happened and I took it. Did I jade? Yup. I'm hijacking my own thread with ramblings. I think thats allowed... .I'm still scared when I go to the dissociation that happened also. Baby talk in the beginning. Love/hate in seconds. Lost looks. Lost time when we spoke at the end of a day together about the day. Denial of things said a minute before. Things that didn't happen in a movie, that yes I had to prove. Fear panic and screaming over a pull over for a dropped phone, that I now see as fear of me getting violent. No memory of her own screaming.
Back on topic any point of communication breakdowns that "just" happened towards the end where still bringing up the past.

Deep breath.  

It's been a few months since you last posted.  I can imagine the ruminations affecting your work given how much you deal with the public given your job.  I'm glad you reached out now though.  Sometimes here,  we can fall into co-ruminating, which might not be as helpful,  even if it provides short term validation. I've done it.

Have you seen this workshop?

If your goal is to get past ruminating,  this might help:

Take a look and let me know if it's helpful

Turkish

I ruminate over the "what if" of not going out the night I came home a mess and,  having the upper hand(that sounds sick but I was in the right I believe because she could have made it clear we were together for months at that point, even looking at wedding rings the same day he came to my door)  I was going to present that I knew if one ex thought they were getting back together, the other one did also. It would have been my one and only r/s ultimatum. Me or her now husband. A chance to refute that I ever cheated and we had just had a talk about "her" meanness(she admitted to it without explanation) and that I was aware why now. I still waiting for a therapist through my PC, and I'm stubborn because I am informed. I know of "leaves on a stream"
 www.mindfulnessmuse.com/acceptance-and-commitment-therapy/leaves-on-a-stream-cognitive-defusion-exercise
 from a psychologist consult, and realized I have bookmarked the rumination link just haven't got to it.
This may be for another post(all of this possibly, good thing I started it:) but I mostly let things go with ease before this r/s and now I have almost tread a path in my head were I expect to ruminate all day about how that conversation could have gone had I just came home that night minus the alcohol. Then I realize I saw the the worst of her because of it and I may have avoided future cheating. Still thought I'd be married to crazy instead of him. Sick. I'll read that link. End.