I think my sons girlfriend has Narcissistic and BP disorders

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I'm sorry that this is so long, I didn't realise how much I needed to say.
I'm glad to have found this site. I have three sons, I believe my youngest son is in a relationship with someone who has both Narcissistic and BPD traits. They went from dating to his moving into her parents home within three months of their first date, my son was very anxious and apparently she was too for us to have a good relationship (his girlfriend and me), there were many warning signs, she was going through his wardrobe and throwing things out within a month, I raised concerns. We were manipulated into having her and her parents for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day and later we were accused of making them feel unwelcome ( we are usually accused of going to too much trouble). I think now the thing that is the most difficult to deal with is the fact that she has tried and is trying to drive a wedge between my son and his family although the most focus for her anger is me. I have a close relationship with my son, when things in his relationship got hard he turned to me for support. A couple of the worst blow ups involved her mother who I believe also has BPD traits, she is estranged from her own family and her husbands family and I believe she has been actively involved in trying to isolate my son from his family. The first crisis occurred after they had moved out and been living in their own place for about a month and involved her mother attacking me and saying she was not going to associate with anyone who pretended to like her, my son was very upset and I was confused. I think that there was a lot of conflict between my son and his girlfriend, the next crisis came with a phone call from my son who was having a panic attack in the car park of his work, I calmed him down and he spent the afternoon with me, there were more crisis, but the most major one was after meeting between my husband, myself and my son and his girlfriend to discuss issues, apparently, my husband had called her a ___, although the story of how and when this happened changed quite a few times. Anyway we felt the discussion went well and that things had been resolved, (during this discussion her mother made numerous attempts to call her daughter) after we left she and her mother got on the phone and pretty much picked apart and ridiculed everything my husband and I had said, my son was devastated and they argued nearly all night. The next day she had an appointment with a naturopath miles away from home which my son drove her to, while she was at her appointment my son called me totally distraught and told me what had happened after we had left, his brother and I tried to calm him down and ask him what he wanted to do, we were concerned about him driving and offered to come pick him up. he said he could get home, he decided that he needed some space and his brother and I picked him up, in hindsight this was totally the wrong thing to have done along with what I said to her  which was that she might want to ask why her mother was so threatened by us and that we had done anything but be kind and  to make her and her parents feel welcome. Anyway, my son returned after a couple of hours to find that she had called the removalists there and her mother packing boxes. since that time there were many reconciliations and breakups and pain and hurt, but after a concerted effort of love bombing my son is now living with her at her parent's place again, although he had not officially moved out until last weekend., he had been there 90% of his time, and any free time was been carefully controlled by his girlfriend. My sons and I have always had a loving and open relationship they know and pretty much do discuss their concerns, and if at times I show too much interest they tell me to back off it is not perfect and with out conflict but mostly we are able to work things out. So when my son told me he was thinking of moving out officially I raised my concerns about what he had told me when he had moved into her parents house the first time, that her parents had not respected his boundaries and his girlfriend had gotten upset/annoyed when he spent time with his family when she was at work, he said they were working on this. I was panicked about the thought of losing him, and I rang him later that day to tell him again about my concerns and I got extremely emotional and told him that I was frightened of losing him and that I was afraid that what it would take for his girlfriend to believe he loved her was to cut off his family as that was what had happened in her family. the next thing that happened was I got an abusive test from her, wanting to defuse the situation I apologised by email only to receive an abusive email in return.The thing I am struggling with now is that my son knew about the text, he told me that is the way they do things in her family. I can't understand how the loving intelligent person was okay with her sending that to me, he says that he won't allow anyone to come between him and his family but it is happening.  She has a parathyroid problem and she is using this to justify her behaviour and my son told my husband that he doesn't know what is really P. and what is her illness, from research we have done it shouldn't cause behavioural issues. At the moment I am struggling, I am so afraid of a future without my son in it, we have had advice, we had a birthday dinner for my middle son and she sat across the table from me laughing and talking like nothing had happened, I was polite kind and friendly, but my mind was how can you sit there like nothing has happened, no embarrassment, no discomfort. I need to find a way to move forward, at the moment my son believes he can reconcile us, and I will do what ever I can for us to be part of his life, but that may not be enough. I hope that he remembers that no matter what we love him and that we will always be here to care for and support him 

[teacat]

I'm sorry that this is so long, I didn't realise how much I needed to say.
I'm glad to have found this site. I have three sons, I believe my youngest son is in a relationship with someone who has both Narcissistic and BPD traits. They went from dating to his moving into her parents home within three months of their first date, my son was very anxious and apparently she was too for us to have a good relationship (his girlfriend and me), there were many warning signs, she was going through his wardrobe and throwing things out within a month, I raised concerns. We were manipulated into having her and her parents for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day and later we were accused of making them feel unwelcome ( we are usually accused of going to too much trouble). I think now the thing that is the most difficult to deal with is the fact that she has tried and is trying to drive a wedge between my son and his family although the most focus for her anger is me. I have a close relationship with my son, when things in his relationship got hard he turned to me for support. A couple of the worst blow ups involved her mother who I believe also has BPD traits, she is estranged from her own family and her husbands family and I believe she has been actively involved in trying to isolate my son from his family. The first crisis occurred after they had moved out and been living in their own place for about a month and involved her mother attacking me and saying she was not going to associate with anyone who pretended to like her, my son was very upset and I was confused. I think that there was a lot of conflict between my son and his girlfriend, the next crisis came with a phone call from my son who was having a panic attack in the car park of his work, I calmed him down and he spent the afternoon with me, there were more crisis, but the most major one was after meeting between my husband, myself and my son and his girlfriend to discuss issues, apparently, my husband had called her a ___, although the story of how and when this happened changed quite a few times. Anyway we felt the discussion went well and that things had been resolved, (during this discussion her mother made numerous attempts to call her daughter) after we left she and her mother got on the phone and pretty much picked apart and ridiculed everything my husband and I had said, my son was devastated and they argued nearly all night. The next day she had an appointment with a naturopath miles away from home which my son drove her to, while she was at her appointment my son called me totally distraught and told me what had happened after we had left, his brother and I tried to calm him down and ask him what he wanted to do, we were concerned about him driving and offered to come pick him up. he said he could get home, he decided that he needed some space and his brother and I picked him up, in hindsight this was totally the wrong thing to have done along with what I said to her  which was that she might want to ask why her mother was so threatened by us and that we had done anything but be kind and  to make her and her parents feel welcome. Anyway, my son returned after a couple of hours to find that she had called the removalists there and her mother packing boxes. since that time there were many reconciliations and breakups and pain and hurt, but after a concerted effort of love bombing my son is now living with her at her parent's place again, although he had not officially moved out until last weekend., he had been there 90% of his time, and any free time was been carefully controlled by his girlfriend. My sons and I have always had a loving and open relationship they know and pretty much do discuss their concerns, and if at times I show too much interest they tell me to back off it is not perfect and with out conflict but mostly we are able to work things out. So when my son told me he was thinking of moving out officially I raised my concerns about what he had told me when he had moved into her parents house the first time, that her parents had not respected his boundaries and his girlfriend had gotten upset/annoyed when he spent time with his family when she was at work, he said they were working on this. I was panicked about the thought of losing him, and I rang him later that day to tell him again about my concerns and I got extremely emotional and told him that I was frightened of losing him and that I was afraid that what it would take for his girlfriend to believe he loved her was to cut off his family as that was what had happened in her family. the next thing that happened was I got an abusive test from her, wanting to defuse the situation I apologised by email only to receive an abusive email in return.The thing I am struggling with now is that my son knew about the text, he told me that is the way they do things in her family. I can't understand how the loving intelligent person was okay with her sending that to me, he says that he won't allow anyone to come between him and his family but it is happening.  She has a parathyroid problem and she is using this to justify her behaviour and my son told my husband that he doesn't know what is really P. and what is her illness, from research we have done it shouldn't cause behavioural issues. At the moment I am struggling, I am so afraid of a future without my son in it, we have had advice, we had a birthday dinner for my middle son and she sat across the table from me laughing and talking like nothing had happened, I was polite kind and friendly, but my mind was how can you sit there like nothing has happened, no embarrassment, no discomfort. I need to find a way to move forward, at the moment my son believes he can reconcile us, and I will do what ever I can for us to be part of his life, but that may not be enough. I hope that he remembers that no matter what we love him and that we will always be here to care for and support him 

[Kwamina]

Hi teacat and welcome to our online community

I am sorry you are in this difficult situation and can definitely understand your concerns for your son. It is sad that things are this way. Dealing with BPD in-laws can be very challenging indeed.

You mention your son isn't sure to what extent her behavior is caused by her parathyroid problem. Does your son also think his girlfriend has BPD? Is BPD perhaps something you've discussed with him?

Several of our members have shared their experiences of dealing with BPD family-members. I encourage you to take a look at their stories and the coping strategies they've adopted:
BPD in-laws: Experiences and coping strategies

I'm sorry that this is so long, I didn't realise how much I needed to say.

Don't worry about it, I love reading

Take care and I hope to read more of your story later

The Board Parrot

[teacat]

Thank you, Kwamina,

I don't think he knows that his girlfriend has BPD, he knows there are problems, but I think he wants the relationship to work, and at the moment I think he believes things will get better once her parathyroid problems are resolved. He said to me a while ago, how do you think I would feel if I broke it off and I found out she was seriously ill. She is on the waiting list for surgery, but as she has no health cover it could be 6 months before this happens.

I know that for the sake of our relationship with our that we have to be polite and welcoming and try and not give her anything to use against us, in view of the text and email she sent me I am finding this hard, but I will do what ever is necessary to keep in contact with my son.

We have had advice to not get into a discussion about what we think his girlfriend's issues are, I think he tells her everything or she pushes until he tells her everything so we are being very careful what we say. I would like to talk to him about it but I think it might be best not to at the moment.

I will look at the stories and the coping strategies that other people have used.

[Kwamina]

Hi again

I know that for the sake of our relationship with our that we have to be polite and welcoming and try and not give her anything to use against us, in view of the text and email she sent me I am finding this hard, but I will do what ever is necessary to keep in contact with my son.

When it comes to dealing with hostile text/e-mail communications, the so-called BIFF technique can be helpful:
Remember BIFF When Responding to Hostile Communications

The acronym BIFF stands for Brief, Informative, Friendly (well at least not unfriendly as in civil) and Firm:

Do You Need to Respond?

Much of hostile mail does not need a response. Letters from exes, angry neighbors, irritating coworkers, or attorneys do not usually have legal significance. The letter itself has no power, unless you give it power. Often, it is emotional venting aimed at relieving the writer’s anxiety. If you respond with similar emotions and hostility, you will simply escalate things without satisfaction, and just get a new piece of hostile mail back. In most cases, you are better off not responding.

Some letters and e-mails develop power when copies are filed in a court or complaint process—or simply get sent to other people. In these cases, it may be important to respond to inaccurate statements with accurate statements of fact. If so, use a BIFF response.

How are you feeling now since a few days have passed?

When you look at your son's behavior in relation to his girlfriend, do you perhaps feel he often acts out of fear, obligation and/or guilt?