Hi Everyone!
I am new here and thought I should introduce myself. Finding this forum has been a blessing! My ex is not diagnosed with BPD but I am seeing lots of similarities in his behaviour to the behaviours described on here. I am going to give a summary of what’s been going on with me and my ex. So sorry it’s so long, I just feel I should relay our whole history up until now.
My ex and I have been on and off for nearly 2.5 years. We started seeing each other on a casual basis (I wasn’t really looking for something serious at the time and told him this) but he soon suggested we started becoming more involved and I eventually agreed. However, when we started doing this I felt he started pushing me away-he would often cancel plans we had made last minute because he wasn’t feeling well, something had come up or he was hungover/coming down from drugs. I would tell him this really upset me and he would stop it for a bit but then start again.
Anyway, this pattern continued until he asked me to go away for a romantic break with him. I was very excited about it and planning everything but then around a week later he told me he had slept with someone else (unprotected). I broke it off but over the Christmas period we started messaging and he invited me down to his parents for NYE, only to cancel on the actual day as he was feeling “a mess” and said he was an emotional wreck. When I told him I was really upset he became verbally abusive and told me to ‘F*** off and leave him alone’. I managed to de-escalate the situation and we ended our texting on friendlier terms.
No further contact was made until 2 weeks later when he randomly texted to ask how I was. I was quite concerned that he was having a mental breakdown, as I had heard of others that he had been arrested for drunken behaviour, been using a lot of drugs and said he was in a ‘dark place’, so I tried to be supportive to him but maybe went overboard. However, the last-minute cancellations kept happening so I eventually messaged him to say that we shouldn’t be in contact, I wanted to a committed relationship and was falling in love with him but he needed to focus on himself and get better. He didn’t reply.
I tried to forget about him and move on but a few months down the line he started messaging and pursuing me, saying he missed me and wanted to meet up, that he was in a better place. I eventually agreed, stupidly thinking we were getting back together. We spent the weekend together and it was nice but afterwards he started being distant and pushing me away. He also started to tell me that he was hooking up with lots of other women, including prostitutes, and even sent me a pic of him and another woman together when he knew I was working a night shift (I’m a nurse).
Eventually, I had enough so started stepping back. I started dating someone else and he was really angry when he found out, constantly messaging, saying he couldn’t believe I was choosing someone over him, telling me it was my loss. I had never seen this side to him and was quite shocked, seeing as recently he had loved telling me about all the other women he was sleeping with. I didn’t work out with the guy I was dating but I was feeling very fed up of the situation with my ex.
After he forgot my birthday and he didn’t’ contact me over Xmas (we agreed we would see each other over the holidays) I decided I had enough and wanted space. I had started seeing a therapist and she encouraged me to block him and to spend 2017 focusing on myself and feeling better. I blocked him on January 2nd. For 3 months, we had no contact and I started to feel a lot better in myself and realize that I can survive without him (sounds silly I know).
He started emailing me in March begging to meet but I refused, saying I wanted a loving, committed relationship with no drama. This occasional emailing continued until June when we agreed to meet. We met up on a few occasions and had a really nice time, we managed to not have sex (which is a first) and I started believing that he may be changing. However, soon the last-minute cancelling started again and this caused me anxiety.
This Sunday we were meant to meet but he cancelled due to feeling unwell and not feeling like he wanted to see anyone. I asked him to tell me what he wanted with me as this was causing me anxiety. He just texted back: “ok, don’t want to cause you anxiety, just forget me and move on.” I was so angry that I replied “ok I think you are right, I do need to move on”.
I have heard nothing since. I am feeling really hurt, but also angry at myself for being so stupid. I don’t even know what I want anymore, part of me really wants him to text. I love him but feel so stupid for loving him. I haven’t told my friends as I know they would just say ‘I told you so’.
Apologies again for this being such a long post but any help and advice would be most appreciated.
Eurus
