My Wife with BPD - Thank I've found this site.

[north69]

Hi all,

Got with my wife in November 2013, Married in October 2015, our baby boy was born in October 2016.

All pretty quick & we've had many ups' and downs, I thought normal arguments. She's Spanish so a lot to her fiery temper and I've also got a temper too.

Her dad was diagnosed with Cancer in September 2016, looks uncurable but he's doing amazing and fighting it.

Since Jan 2017 we've had all sorts of problems, I thought it was attributed to:

- Stress (cancer, baby, sleep deprivation)
- Life changes (having a baby is always hard no?)
- Me not helping enough with the baby and possible Post Natal Depression.

It's got progressively worse and now here we are July 2017, and it's been 7 months of pain.

I've also found this site and everything (literally everything) fits the bill for my wife having BPD.



1. Rage
She's started hitting me. Goes crazy, wild with rage

2. Emotionally Unstable. Love / Hate - Black/White Dichotomy, no grey. She has temper tantrums like a child & one day loves / hates the same person. Her

3. Love Bombing at the start. Intense doesn't even begin to describe it, soul mates, want to get married & have children etc. Came from both of us in fairness, I love bombed her too.

4. She's beautiful - some say there's a correlation with BPD and beautiful women. She's probably 1 or 2 notches above me on the looks scale.

5. Always complicated interpersonal relationships. Always arguing.

6. High functioning, good job. Unbelievably social. Saves the abuse for me (SO), & her mum and dad.

7. Her rages and insults lead me to believe she's unwell:

'I hope your plane blows up when you fly home'
'You're the cancer of my family'

To her Dad who has cancer 'I hope the house burns down with you in it'
To her Mum: 'If you dad and SO all die tomorrow I couldn't care less'


8. Immensely controlling. Since being an infant in her parents house, always wanted remote control - if didn't have it there would be hell to pay for all her family.

9. I was idealised at the beginning. Literally couldn't put a foot wrong. She left previous relationship for me, they had problems (now I know why).

10. Now I'm devalued, 'You're useless' 'You've never achieved anything' etc etc. Luckily I've achieved a lot career wise, wealth wise etc and I've got a lot of self esteem. I feel for anybody in this situation who is not strong, not confident. She's not broken me yet but she's hurting me, I'm being almost eroded.

11. Break / Up or Space for Thinking Cycles. At the moment we're not speaking. I've gone for a few weeks whilst she's told her best friend and mum that she needs to think if she loves me. I think it's just another ploy for control / push / pull which seems to dominate their existence. But I'm hurting. The thought of losing her and not seeing my son or just having partial custody is killing me.

12. Impulsive - loves shopping.

13. Discard Stage - She did this with her previous boyfriend before meeting me and marrying me. I now think it could be close in my case but possibly not. Reasons why it might not happen:

- She might actually love me (if she can love)
- I have money and can offer her security etc
- Our son, I'm sure she doesn't want to break up the family home
- She's from a small town where it would be rather a scandal if we broke up. She cares deeply about what other people think.

14. Addicted to Whatsapp on her phone. Is this relevant? I think so. Relates to her inter personal relationships. Possible source of new supply too. That hurts me to think as I've always trusted her but 7 months of problems of this nature and I think anything is now possible.


I love my wife. If I can resolve this I'd love to.
Just don't know how. She always holds the cards, always has the power. Some say I need to leave her for good & she if comes knocking. Then the power is with me, get her diagnosed etc.
But it's a dangerous game, if she doesn't come I lose my wife.
But does my wife actually exist? From what a read she's rather a figment of my imagination and the girl I married is empty inside, I'm clinging onto that first year to 18 months when she was the most adorable girl in the world.

I do see that too, I do see her good side quite a lot. Take her for dinner, she's amazing. Out with friends, she's perfect.

But... .behind closed doors she offers me nothing on an emotional level. Will / can that ever improve?

Much love

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

I can relate. I still managed to be shocked at all the horrible things that are said to me "out of anger." I am not this way. Do not say "extreme things" so it is hard.

There are a lot of resources here. Take your time. Read them. Depersonalize a bit. I have been in a relationship like this for 6.5 years. Countless number of threats to break up and then clinging back onto me. Oh man, in fact today he told he was looking at other women online and his sister-in-law had offered to introduce to someone else from his native country, etc., etc. Maybe it is true, maybe not. I think there is 90% chance is just an effort to make me jealous. Unfortunately for him I have never been jealous. Actually, he's lucky I'm not jealous because that can be a pretty ugly emotion. Anyway... .I wish you so much happiness. I know it is hard. Work on it a bit. Ground yourself. I can say you might not get all of your emotional needs met, but handle that in a healthy way if you possibly can. Keep your friends/contacts close. You will need them if a break up occurs. I have lost most of my support system and am very isolated. I am immensely grateful for this site too and I can't wait to learn more. I need this place!

[north69]

Thanks for the reply

I do argue back, I take the bait, might raise my voice and even if I really lose it attempt to hurt her too like she does me, say something that will have an effect. But within limits. I'd never cross a certain line - when she wishes death upon people, starts on my family etc etc - that's in the realm of mental illness in my opinion, it's just not normal.

I don't really feel the clinging on. I get the threats and then it's always muggins who goes back with his tail between his legs... .I always initiate the contact and the the reconciliation. Until now! I'm now a lot stronger, it actually empowers me a lot now that I know what she has.

My wife is from a different country too - I'm British, she's Spanish, so I can relate to you there.

Nor am I a jealous person, she is. I have moments of doubt, moments when I think of possible outcomes because my wife is very attractive and has a lot of admirers. But I don't doubt my own worth, if destiny puts that in my path and she wants to leave me for somebody else (highly possible now that I'm in the devalue or getting to discard stage) then I'll accept it as part of my path, cry my tears, feel the pain and move on. No point in being jealous or trying to control things that are out of my control.

All of my family and friends know what I'm going through. I bottled it up for 4 months or so then had to start talking and it's been a big relief. Not embarrassed either like I thought I might be... .this is serious stuff and it trumps the more petty aspects of life that I might have worried about previously such as embarrassment and what other people think.

Don't be isolated, get your support system back! There's always somebody. And if not then you've got us on the site that are all going through a similar pain.

You did right not getting jealous at your husband's attempt, I can't understand why he'd say that. My wife doesn't do stuff like that, but there's plenty of mental and some physical abuse - so it's not good.

I'm still torn as to what she's going to do - is she going to leave me? Or more garbage conditions to stay together and cycle this all over again?

Or will I have the strength to say I'm not interested and I'm happier on the break? Not cried since Monday, I'm getting better but greatly missing my son. When I go back it will be to see him, not her. As it stands... .

[pearlsw]

Hey again! Hope you are doing better!

Impressed you are not embarrassed. I am. No one in my family really knows the hell I've suffered through. The few people I have told are shocked and tell me to leave. That all makes it pretty hard to know where to turn to. For now I have this site! I like that they don't have folks telling you to leave and instead have lots of tips on how to manage these life issues.  At the least, whatever happens, we can improve and deepen our understandings of others.

I wrote a reply earlier, but it was lost. Hope I can recall some of what I said. If not, I'll try again later.

Wanted to suggest that reading here about things you can do to de-escalate conflict could be very helpful. The less fuel we throw on these fires the better. I hear ya, it is hard to stand there and take shocking verbal insults and not wanna take the gloves off and toss a few verbal jabs back, but it is literally pointless. You'll feel great as your own communication skills improve and it WILL help. If not with her then hopefully again in the future. Oh, had so much more to say. I'll be back with ya later... .A lot of stuff here to talk about! I'm just getting sleepy! You take care!

[north69]

Yeah I'm seeing the error of my ways, how I've been doing the opposite of what I should be.

Even thought I know I should leave her I can't help but obsess over:

- Will she want to reconcile?
- Will she be able to go through with a divorce?
- If I maintain strong during the silent treatment will I be able to reverse it and possibly come out empowered? (And therefore implement some change?)


So many unknowns. Hugely conflicted as well internally, whilst I know I'm better off without her I don't want to leave her. Maybe I'll find the strength

[pearlsw]

I did something similar at the beginning. I attributed all of his turning off and on of the relationship, saying and doing extreme things, to what he had just gone through with his ex and kids when I first met him. When I look back now, after reading this site a bit, I see he was already really exhibiting these behaviors the first week I met him. Not sure honestly I would have jumped into all this seeing and knowing what I know now, but... .Here I am. I find for me the best approach I can have, after many years of this turmoil is just sticking to the idea that I really am in this relationship - despite what he says quite often. Like you I am married and that piece of paper is darn serious! (Especially in the country we are in.) So, in some ways there is a bit of pressure on us to work it out. So, I don't take his breakups as deadly serious as before. I used to fear I'd lose where I am living and be in the streets, etc., etc. Now that I know that is not legally possible I just set that fear aside. Okay, he says horrible stuff about that anyway, but... .Still, I set it aside.  He really just says a lot of over the top things when he is angry and it has almost no bearing on reality other than the damage it does to my feelings for him, but almost none of the threats or insults really amount to much. I do my best to depersonalize this, but those unkind words are burned into me forever. (I try to see it like you would if you were a caregiver in a hospital with a rude patient. You just gotta do your job and not let it too far under your skin whenever possible.)

I think if you know you are really in this and working on this you can cope better. When you can't get into that mind frame, believe me, I get it. It messes with your sense of reality. I know it did with mine. Which version of reality was real or not? I choose to have one reality. He has an illness or some tough personality traits (who knows) but these are cycles. If I can help him gain insights into this and he is willing to work on it and I am too then at least there is a chance. He still says "I am his dream" and he really takes the things I tell him to heart when he is not dysregulating.

I am pretty strong, though this has broken me at times, but holding myself together and being clear about my thoughts about what I am seeing and hearing really helps. A little past training with Buddhism goes a long way in life!

Anyway, just keep reading and I think you will find more strategies. Be careful with withholding from her, you might want to read more about that. I think we all must have some boundaries in life, but validating and communicating better can help diffuse a lot I think. (Oh wait. It is her doing the silent treatment, not you, right?)

I don't go into silent mode anymore, at all. I let him know I am always there and ready to talk when he is ready/calm so my availability is never cut off from him. I think that helps to frame it that way. We do take breaks, but I am always there for him. If he just needs to say something I listen and try to validate, not always agree, but validate. These are great skills in life in any case I am certain! So, I try to feel good about practicing them and not let myself feel like I am "superior" communicator. That is not always easy, but I have decades more of experience reading and trying good communication than he does. It is what it is. But he needs to be heard, even though his words put knives inside of me like no one I've known in my life.

I am so sorry to hear about the physical abuse. That must be soul-wrenching. I hope you and your child are safe.

Thank you for your kind words and suggestions. I appreciate them very much and am grateful to receive them!