Fifty one years of walking on eggshells

[BetterDay]

Heading in to what I thought would be a relaxing weekend to unwind from a busy week at work and my BP aging mother informs me she's going to "unplug" from what others expect of her.  She got a prescription today for outpatient physical therapy to assist her to regain the ability to walk following a fall and hip surgery.  Not only is she refusing the therapy, but she insists she needs surgery to remove the "spike" down her leg.  Apparently today she saw the x-rays of the partial hip replacement in which the new ball joint was secured to a long metal pin inside the bone.  She also declared she would unplug the air conditioner because it seems too cold (it has variable temperature settings.  I just bought this after her old one went out and she was too hot to function.  She has been stuck indoors since May after leaving hospital post surgery against medical advice, and has fired all of the in home physical therapists.  Her resolve is that she will never walk again.  I call her daily and have now since 2012 when she had heart surgery.  Most days I dread the call because it will be a non stop complaining session about her war on whatever:. medical bills, doctors, siblings, neighbors, the imaginary people who steal her shampoo and bathe in her tub while she visits the doctors.  I try to show long distance love, but I left the BP narcarcissist 30 years ago and still happlily serve far far away in the military.  I've been reading posts from similar support groups for two years now.  My husband does not want to hear another instance of how much she upsets me and I don't blame him.  I want to love her, but I hate when her disorder disrupts my life.

[Kwamina]

Hi BetterDay

Fifty years is a long time to be dealing with this. Thanks for introducing yourself to our community and I hope that participating here will help you better deal with your mother.

I am sorry your mother is having these health problems on top of her BPD. This unfortunately only makes dealing with her even more difficult.

Her resolve is that she will never walk again.

Do you perhaps feel like your mother has a tendency to assume a victim role?

... .the imaginary people who steal her shampoo and bathe in her tub while she visits the doctors.

Does she talk about specific people she knows who supposedly do this or is she referring to unknown people?

I call her daily and have now since 2012 when she had heart surgery.

When you think about these calls, is this something you do because you really want to talk to your mother or perhaps more something you do out of fear, obligation and/or guilt?

I try to show long distance love, but I left the BP narcarcissist 30 years ago and still happlily serve far far away in the military.
... .
My husband does not want to hear another instance of how much she upsets me and I don't blame him.  I want to love her, but I hate when her disorder disrupts my life.

You cannot control your mother's behavior, but what you can do is look at ways you can set boundaries with her to protect yourself from her disordered behavior. Do you generally feel comfortable setting and enforcing/boundaries with people? Here are some resources you might benefit from:

Setting boundaries

Examples of boundaries

The important thing about boundaries is that they are about us and our own behavior:

Boundaries are how we communicate our values to others. A boundary defines the scope of our independent core values... .With boundaries, everything inside the boundary is consistent with our value.
... .
Remember, our values and the boundaries of those values aren't about someone else. They are about how we choose to live our lives.
... .
There are 3 parts, the values we have, the boundaries of those values, and the actions we take when the boundaries are threatened.
... .
From the example above you can see that a value has many boundaries.  There are also many ways to defend your boundary.
... .
In all of these cases I am "not" telling the other person how to behave, what to do or not do or in any way trying to dictate to them how to live their life.  I am telling them how "I" behave, how "I" live.  I am clearly controlling that which I can -- myself.

[Insom]

Hi, BetterDay.

Thanks for sharing this story.  How are things going this week?  Any better? 

[BetterDay]

Insom,
Thanks for asking.  I read through the wonderful tips above and although I'm just now learning to navigate this website, I think I made some progress.  I asked her for a break from her negativity and criticism and explained that I am too angry right now to speak with her every single day.  (Which I have done since 2011).  I let it all out and it probably was neither constructive nor supportive, but I told her exactly how miserable she makes me feel with her bad choices and her bad treatment of others.  I let her know that I am more than anything, angry right now that she degrades and refuses physical therapy, which I know would help her get her gait back.  I went so far as to ask her to just leave me alone.  I haven't done this since I was a teenager so I don't know if I'm moving forward or backward.  What I have learned, in the three days that we have not spoken is that I have a problem.  There is some messed up part of me that wants to call and talk until we all feel better again.  Enmeshed.  That is the term I have found for describing why I let her emotions, fears, and decisions affect my life every day even though I am a grown woman who lives hundreds of miles from her.  Differentiation of self.   Another concept I've read much about these past few days.  Something I desperately need to get in my life when it comes to my separation from her.  So, anyway, thanks for asking.  I hit a lull for a bit after I posted this.  I spent a day doing nature hikes and reminding myself to "stop letting her rent space in your head". Then I finally answered her call and said the things I've held in for years and asked for a break from her.  So I'm at a weird place right now.  I'm worried about what I don't know, and I want to get free of that worry too.

[blue-eyed bonnie]

You all have my deepest sympathies.  It is 57 years of walking on eggshells for me, and now my biggest fear has come to pass.  Mother, at 83, has had to move in with us, since she has no one else to care for her.  I'm an only child.  Now every day is just like my childhood.  All the negativity, invalidation and hatefulness.  I fear I may just go mad.  Just driving in the car is an endless litany of everything that I do wrong, how all my friends are bad people, how everyone is against her.  I just cannot believe that this is happening all over again to me at age 57.  But I know that others out there are living this too.  It helps and I send positive vibes to stay strong and establish and hold on to those borders.  They are all you have to remain sane!

[BetterDay]

Hi BetterDay
Hi Kwamina, Thanks for the reply and great tips.

Do you perhaps feel like your mother has a tendency to assume a victim role?
 
Yes, very often.  And often her narcissistic nature makes her the victim of a world conspiring against her.  For example if a utility company prints a note on their bill to caution against late payment, this is a personal insult to her.

Does she talk about specific people she knows who supposedly do this or is she referring to unknown people?

Yes, she has selected the neighbor lady as the suspect.  Note, she has four locks on her doors so no one is coming in there.

When you think about these calls, is this something you do because you really want to talk to your mother or perhaps more something you do out of fear, obligation and/or guilt?

Fear, worry, obligation, guilt, responsibility, habit and... .I might just be sadly addicted to her misery... .not good to discover about myself.  It's like watching something awful on t.v. and you know it's awful but you watch anyway just to see if Bigfoot really exists.

You cannot control your mother's behavior, but what you can do is look at ways you can set boundaries with her to protect yourself from her disordered behavior. Do you generally feel comfortable setting and enforcing/boundaries with people? Here are some resources you might benefit from

I m going to do some boundary work.  Just went to my bookshelf and found my book... ."Setting Boundaries with Difficult People"  Thanks so much for sharing your time and feedback.

Setting boundaries

Examples of boundaries

The important thing about boundaries is that they are about us and our own behavior:

[BetterDay]

Blue eyed Bonnie,
Good to hear from another only child and I'm so sorry you are at that point.  Those rides in the car can be so trying and draining and ohhh the self control.   We know we are accomplished adults, all grown up with great friends and lives, then after one drive to the store we are degraded, useless, servant.  While one part of my mind is driving the car, the other silently screams, and sometimes it silently argues back.  It returns the humiliation, degrading and mocks the voice that delivers it.  Occasionally I find those rare but alternative moments when things are not turmoil and I try to freeze that memory, knowing this too shall pass.  I hope you are taking some time for yourself too.