My grieving heart -acceptance

[Grievingmom]

Hi everyone. I am a 65 year old grandmother with a broken heart. I have just come to the realization that my 42 year old daughter has BPD. There has been so much heart ache and drama all her life and now I know why.  I am overwhelmed with the not very promising prognosis but what kills me the most is that apparently I  may have caused this or contributed to it. She has left and I have no contact with her .  I don't know if she is alive or dead. She has left me her 17 year old son.  I am broken hearted and guilt ridden.  I have 3 other children who are not BPD. I am hoping to find strenghth and insight from you good people.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Grievingmom-

I can feel the deep pain you are feeling and am very sorry for your sadness.  From the tone of your original post, you sound like a very caring mom and grandmother.  Please be careful not to take on too much guilt.  Very often the actual causes of BPD traits are not known, so the fact that your daughter exhibits traits may have little or nothing to do with you.  It appears that you've been seeking answers for awhile now, so my instinct tells me you've done the very best you could.  In the end, unfortunately we can only control ourselves.

I am very glad you found our community.  This site will help you understand more about BPD and there will be people here who can offer support to you and what you and your grandson are going through.  It is highly likely there are other moms and dads in our community who have gone through exactly what you're enduring.  You are not alone.

Please tell us more of what has happened (share as much detail as you'd like).  The moderators  can make sure you're posting under the proper heading so you can obtain the best possible support and feedback.  We are here to offer whatever help we can.  You can say anything you need to say here... .this is your safe space. 

When you're up to it, please take time to read through the areas on this forum that you feel apply to you.

Most importantly, please remember... .you are NOT alone in this.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Grievingmom]

Thank you so much "Gemsforeyes". I feel very encouraged by your words and I look forward to sharing our common journey.

Blessings

[Lollypop]

Hi GRievingmom

It must be very upsetting to be in no contact with your daughter.

How is your grandson dealing with his mom leaving?

How long has it been since you last heard from her?

Hugs

LP

[Grievingmom]

Hi Lollpop.

Thanks for your post. I typed up a nice LONG response addressing your questions but somehow lost or delete it when hitting the preview button. UGGGGGGGH!

And now I've run out of time. So short answers it is.

BPD daughter has been gone a little over a month now.  My 17 year old grandson is settling in pretty well. I actually think he is relieved to be in a calm and stable environment. I offered him counselling but he says he doesn't need it. We'll see. I'll keep an eye on him .

I am worried about my daughter but last I heard she was in group therapy and had a counselor. So that is something.

 I will add more to my story when I get a chance. Thank you for your kindness and support. Take care.

Blessings.

[Lollypop]

Hi Grieving Mom

Thanks for replying. It's so annoying to lose a response  .

I can see that your grandson would enjoy the calm. 17 is a difficult age at the best of times. My younger son is 17 and he finds it a struggle with his older "problem" brother. I found him to be quite mature though and I hope your 17 gs continues well with his new found freedom from drama and stress.

Your daughter must be feeling quite a lot of emotions at the moment. My DS found it easier to remove himself from me as his own coping mechanism. It's good news that she's in group therapy and seeing a counsellor to help her through what must be a a very difficult time for her.

How about you?  Do you have anybody you can talk to?

LP

[Grievingmom]

Hi Lollipop.

Yes I do have a few people to talk to. I have my husband, but he finds it hard to be objective where my daughter is concerned because of the anger he feels towards her for causing me so much pain. He is her stepfather and they have never been close. So sometimes he finds it hard to understand my continuing love and grief for my BP daughter. I have such mixed emotions. My anger he understands.

I also see a psychologist and counselor to help me with the severe depression I am in.

And now I have you good people to talk to as well. I'm grateful for that.

Blessings.

[Lollypop]

Hi GM

My H is at a different phase than me. You're absolutely right and I'd never thought about it - my H only really understands my anger. That's why he then feeds off it, he's unable to be a calming influence to me which is what I sometimes need. As long as we keep on talking I'm able to stay out of the drama triangle.

I'm now able to find some humour in our situation - sometimes. It's so very surprising and a relief from such a long period of strain, grief and pain. I'm very happy for you that you've got a support network in place.

While you're daughter chooses no contact youve got some space to work on yourself. Better communication and validation skills have transformed my family. I learnt them specifically for my DS not realising that they'd help me with all my relationships.

What sort of things are you interested in? It's important to take care of yourself, it's not an easy thing to do when we our gut wants to help others.

LP

[Grievingmom]

Hi Lollipop.

 I love reading, crafts, swimming and nature walks. They really help me a lot but sometimes the depression makes so hard to do these things. It's a struggle but I know how important they are.

How about you? What gives you balance?