Triggered - back again

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi All,
I have been here before - Amnesia to the reality that a bi-polar/BD unmedicated sibling  ( I am in the mental health field_ is not going to change. Decades of rages towards me - periods of silence, reaching out, gradually getting back together. Four years since my list visit across country. I was wary - structured the visit, didn't go alone. It was wonderful. Gradually I began to trust - a bit. Then came the long letters of : " I am so hurt, I would never do this to you". because I did not allow more time with her. Complete denial on her part on the craziness of our last visit and why I was cautious on this one. Complete projection- pages of accusations, and how everyone in her life agrees with her.

I got hooked - after many decades of this, I still got hooked. And instead of walking on eggshells, I told her why. I re-read my e mails, they were loving, and compassionate, but told the truth. More e mails  accusing, telling me how sick I am and how everyone agrees with her until I told her I could not do this anymore - These e mails penetrate my soul and it takes me weeks to get over it. I am 66 years old - I just cannot do this anymore. (thank you Alanon) So - I am blocked, off social media. It saddens me that she is in such pain. It saddens me that she feels I cause her pain. It saddens me that she feels abandoned - but her behaviors make it impossible to do anything else.

But like being shot with toxins, - like every encounter I have with her - it takes me weeks to recover. I am in the field, and yet it is hard for me to believe just how toxic and sick this all is.

Just need support to accept I cannot have her in my life, -- she  is too dangerous for my mental health, and once again, accept the loss. I need to get her out of my head. Thanks

[mommadoc]

Hi All,
I have been here before - Amnesia to the reality that a bi-polar/BD unmedicated sibling  ( I am in the mental health field_ is not going to change. Decades of rages towards me - periods of silence, reaching out, gradually getting back together. Four years since my list visit across country. I was wary - structured the visit, didn't go alone. It was wonderful. Gradually I began to trust - a bit. Then came the long letters of : " I am so hurt, I would never do this to you". because I did not allow more time with her. Complete denial on her part on the craziness of our last visit and why I was cautious on this one. Complete projection- pages of accusations, and how everyone in her life agrees with her.

I got hooked - after many decades of this, I still got hooked. And instead of walking on eggshells, I told her why. I re-read my e mails, they were loving, and compassionate, but told the truth. More e mails  accusing, telling me how sick I am and how everyone agrees with her until I told her I could not do this anymore - These e mails penetrate my soul and it takes me weeks to get over it. I am 66 years old - I just cannot do this anymore. (thank you Alanon) So - I am blocked, off social media. It saddens me that she is in such pain. It saddens me that she feels I cause her pain. It saddens me that she feels abandoned - but her behaviors make it impossible to do anything else.

But like being shot with toxins, - like every encounter I have with her - it takes me weeks to recover. I am in the field, and yet it is hard for me to believe just how toxic and sick this all is.

Just need support to accept I cannot have her in my life, -- she  is too dangerous for my mental health, and once again, accept the loss. I need to get her out of my head. Thanks

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome Mommadoc! 

Thank you for sharing your sadness and pain. I know it helps to have someone to listen, and this is a great site where we are a family who understands the frustration and struggles. You can be safe here with us, and please know you are not alone.

Since you are in the mental health field, do you already know and understand a lot about BPD? It is one thing to understand, another to live through the pain as you've indicated. My mom was an uBPD, and I am still discovering the effects it has had upon me.

Gradually I began to trust - a bit... .I got hooked - after many decades of this, I still got hooked.

It is so frustrating, isn't it, the way we begin to trust then have our hopes dashed once again? I found it has made it very hard for me to trust anyone after the years of patterns of trust, distrust and repeat. How do you do with others in your life as far as being able to trust them?

My T reminds me that it is okay to not go back to an unhealthy relationship or way of life or way of thinking. It is a safety rule as far as he is concerned. It is super important that you stay safe not only physically but also mentally and emotionally. I am very sorry for the loss of relationship and for your pain. It is also sad that she is hurting too, but can you see that she is attempting to make you responsible for her cause of pain but we know in reality that you are not the source? The answer lies within her to work on the pain.

 
Wools