Do we ask her to leave?

[Ethelbert]

Our 48 year old daughter has had several failed relationships.  Her marriage broke up 17 years ago because of financial problems... .was spending too much money we believe, though she blamed her husband. She and her little girl came to live with us.  Within 3 months she decided to move out because our relationship didn't work, but then she had money to be on her own.  She soon ran out of money and decided to move in with a boyfriend, however, after nearly 6 years,  he asked her to leave, and so she moved back in with us. 

She refuses to work full time though we have found real possibilities for her through friends.  After a recent blowout with her at a family reunion, we asked her to find her own place but she has been unable without funds. We are worried she and her daughter, now 15, would end up homeless and on the streets.

We wanted to learn to deal with her and did not want to put them out. 
We have spoken with several psychologists and though they cannot diagnose her from afar, they do believe she likely has a personality disorder.  We have been looking at BPD and Bipolar II wanting to see her as having a "legitimate" difficulty that can be addressed.  We want to help her not hurt her. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hi Ethelbert and welcome to bpdfamily.

I'm glad you found us and sorry what you are dealing with your daughter, many members here are in similar situations, you are not alone.   Like you many here do not have a formal BPD diagnosis, enough to see there are behavioural traits, indications from third party professionals. How long has your daughter been living with you? This is really tricky for you, your daughter refuses to work, what reasons has she given you, when did she last work? 

Has your daughter ever spoken to you of her struggles? What behaviours are you dealing with?

Hope that's not too many questions for you. Your question: do you ask her to leave, do you feel you have explored all options Ethelbert?

We are here for you.
WDx

[Huat]

Welcome, Ethelbert.  I, too, am glad you found us. 

My heart goes out to you.  This is not an easy journey... .especially when there is a grandchild in the equation.  Do you have a good relationship with your granddaughter?

[Ethelbert]

Thank you all for your concern.  After 5 or 6 years of marriage, our daughter divorced her husband and then moved in with us for 4 months.  Her behavior troubled us so we told her she would have to change or move out.

She moved out using money she got from inheritance and from the sale of her marital residence.  When her money ran out we gave her a job with one of our companies thinking it is easier to find a job when you have one, and gave her reduced rent for one year in a townhouse we own.  At the end of the year she moved into her boyfriend's house and got a part-time job in retail sales.

After 5-6 years her boyfriend asked her to leave, and having no money she moved back in with us.  She has now been with us a total of 34 months.

The last time she had a full-time job was before she got married (20 years ago).  She tells her 15 year old daughter that she cannot find a full-time job because she does not have college.  We offered to send her to college when her daughter was very young, but she refused.

More recently we identified jobs and got her interviews with friends which she chose not to take.  Attempts to talk to her about her finances, retirement (she is 48), future and even the news result in her saying she is too busy to talk.  At times we have paid off her debts but she will not get rid of her credit cards so we stopped.

An example of her behavior could be seen in how she reacted to my wife being quietly upset because a guest of our daughter did not take off his hat during a visit.  My wife, after he left, noted this and said it was rude to which our daughter was outraged, insisting that it was her mom who was out of line because it no longer matter.  In another example, our daughter, while standing near us, called a friend to tell him how awful we are.  She made certain that we heard every word of what was said.

The relationship with our grandchild was excellent for 15 years but now we see signs that she is beginning to act like her mother and imitates her.

Our daughter does not speak to us about her struggles. And now there are days when our daughter and her daughter will pass by us in our home and not acknowledge our presence.  Our granddaughter is taking therapy that her mother insisted on her having but our daughter will not take therapy.

Is this checkmate since they cannot afford to leave and we cannot afford (emotionally) for at least our daughter to stay?

[wendydarling]

Hi Ethelbert

I can understand how difficult this is for you, your daughter refusing to take on responsibility for herself and your attempts of communication to problem solve are avoided, there is conflict, verbal and silent abuse.

You want to help not hurt. When our current approach is not working we need to change it (lesson 2). Have a look at the thread above What can a parent do, work from the top, down. I've learnt here I can bring about positive change by applying the tools and lessons, understanding my daughters struggles and limitations through educating myself about BPD.

Do you think this may help you? Our situations are unique and we need to take care of ourselves as you say you can't afford emotionally to live like this.

WDx