How can i convince myself to not log into her accounts...

[T-riddle]

Hi everyone! This is my first post so bare with me. I've been lurking on the site for a while now, and have finally decided to chime in.

I just got out a "sort" of 3 year relationship with a undpwBPD (it's very complicated, and our story is very long so i won't post all of it). We met my sophomore year of college and have experienced a lot together. We lived together for a year, as friends and it surprisingly was not a bad experience. I however have very tough boundaries... .always have, but after 3 years of never feeling like my needs mattered in the relationship, I ultimately decided to walk away. We were 1 month of NC when i received a phone call from a new number, and surprise surprise it was my BPDex. She tried to play nice and started off with a "How are you?... I miss your voice... " same old nonsense. I told her i was doing good and preceded to end the call. It was in the end, Triangulation with her ex's and not respecting my feelings that really made me want to walk away. Whenever we had issues she would run to an ex or go silent on me. I finally realized that I loved myself to much to deal with such disrespect.

Here lays the problem. While we were together she really seemed to trust me ALOT, up to the point where she willing gave me her password to her phone and other accounts. I trusted her so i never felt the need to snoop through her things. After going NC, I in a state of depression over losing her tried logging into her Facebook account with an old password she once gave me, and well it worked.

BIG MISTAKE. I have been working hard to improve myself since we broke up. I've been hitting the gym hard, am only 22 and just got accepted into Law School so, I really have been focusing on ME for a change. I however am addicted to checking her Social Media Accounts. I go on her account everyday. I read all her messages. Right now she has recycled an ex that i know of, but of course she has devalued him already.

Me and her however were  Best friends i felt like despite her BPD she genuinely loved me. What has me all frazzled is that, after facebook stalking I have realized that she has not looked me up on facebook at all. She normally recycles ex's or facebook stalks them after a breakup and I have witnessed her do this, again we were very close so i had her behaviors down to a T. But with me nothing . I'm actually starting to feel like our relationship was not as real as i thought it was. I'm starting to feel like i never mattered. and it is preventing me from moving on... .I want to stop logging on to her accounts, but i guess apart of me wants to be close to her but not too close... .I still want to be connected to her, and by having her password it has allowed me remain attached to her. I however know i cannot heal for as long as i have access to her social media. How can i convince myself to not log into her accounts and to fully detach... .apart of me i guess knows she will come back again i just don't know when exactly... .

[cbm419]

I have a similar issue.  My ex never changed any of his passwords, and I found myself doing the same things.

Its a bad bad bad BAD thing to do. He has yet to find a replacement and keeps trying to reel me back in. He does have occasional one night stands and the such.  He feels some strange duty to break NC and "confess" that he is doing this- I think its a form of self-harm/resolving the emptiness and boredom that he cannot stand.

One thing I'd impress upon you is that she KNOWS you are doing this, and if she is only a tiny notch above low functioning, is using this to exert indirect control/power over you. She never searches for you on facebook? well there are other ways to find your profile without using a search or otherwise triggering a record being made.  maybe she's bookmarked you? thats an easy one.

When we broke contact and had a fight my ex disclosed he knew I was logging into his accounts, that he "didn't mind, actually kind of like it because it shows you (me) still care about me and love me." I just shuddered.

Its very easy to see who is logged into and where they are logged from on facebook... .unless you ex is a total dimwit, she knows. I mean she'd even get a notice that a new computer or IP is logged on- unless she had used it on your computer and saved the device as recognized.

I think I do it because I still have this obsession of "saving the wounded little lamb" that kept me staying in this broken relationship.  I want to be sure he isn't being unsafe, overly promiscuous, wrecking all of his friendships (oh wait yea that'll never stop). Its a useless and frankly pathetic obsession.

I've been able to get over it by focusing on me and meeting new guys, staying busy.  Especially new dates- I'm at the point now where if I'm talking to someone new, planning a night with them, etc etc... .he drifts further and further to the edge of my mind.  Yes, I know ulitmately I need to find the strength to keep him out of my mind when I'm all alone at night, nothing to do, sitting in my own head.  That will come with time, experience, and with the rebuilding of my shattered self. And a few distracting, affirming dates is a nice tool. 

Very little good to be gained for YOU by continuing this behavior.

[LastSamurai]

Hi,

Sorry to hear about what you're going through. You need to give up "stalking"  her immediately. There's no benefit in it. I understand it's tempting and difficult to let it go. Focus on YOU. The more you focus on YOU and your goals, the more things will come to you. I understand it's painful and heartbreaking. I'm going through that now. Take this time to heal. Please be careful of opening Pandora's Box (i.e. Facebook, passwords, etc.)... .leave it alone.

I hope things get easier for you.

[JQ]

Hello T,

Let me be one of the first to welcome you to the group. I'm sorry that you're going through this, but happy that you have found the group. We won't judge you as you've already have found out because we've been where you're at and some are still on their BPD journey. What you're feeling is temporary ... .it too will pass.

Congratulations on being accepted to law school, that's an awesome accomplishment. As CBM points out, "stalking" her on FB is a bad thing ... .again most if not all NONs have done it to their BPD and vise versa. NOTHING good will EVER come from this. And as long as you continue to do it you will delay yourself in getting to a better place & fully healing from your BPD r/s.

So what to do ... .how to stop it. It's a conditioning thing ... .every time you start to get the urge to look on FB go for a walk/run ... .even a mile at a slow pace walk will take an 15-20 minutes. You can do 3 miles in an hour ... .this will reduce your stress, burn off some calories and clear your mind. If you come back and still feel the need to do it ... .knock out 20 push ups. If you are in a place and can't do either of those take a rubber band put it around your wrist and snap the hell out of it. This will start to remind you that when you think of her there is physical pain in addition to emotional pain. This methods seems archaic and crude ... .but sometimes it works. Point is you need to stop in order to get to better place.

You have a promising future ahead of you and stalking her could really jeopardize that. If at some point you need to take a polygraph for a job interview this will come up in the questioning and eventually the test will reveal it. Invasion of privacy.  Not judging just pointing out the obvious because sometimes in our deepest darkest moments of recovering from our BPD r/s we well do things we normally wouldn't. The brain chemicals change for reasons known & not known by modern science during depressive bouts and that results in behavior that we will later regret. Like I said you're pretty smart ... .enough said on this subject.

Recovering from a BPD r/s needs to be ALL ABOUT YOU~!  YOU need to take better care of YOU~!  I would seek out a really good therapist too to help you sort out your feelings, thoughts & emotions over all of this. It's not a sign of weakness but a sign of great strength to reach out for some help, I know personally. Most if not everyone in the group will tell you that it's an important key to your BPD recovery.

CBM has pointed out it's about focusing on yourself ... .what are YOU doing for YOURSELF today? Don't worry about them, what their doing or not doing with whomever.  YOU are singularly responsible for YOUR happiness~! DO NOT depend on someone else happiness to make you happy ... .it never ends well, trust me.

You'll be starting your next phase of law school & you'll be knee deep in studies. Before than I would encourage you to read "The Human Magnet Syndrome" to learn how a BPD vs NON r/s will never work out. You can find the book in a local library or on line pretty cheap.

Come back here as often as you need to & as often as you want too to vent, let us know what YOU have done for YOU today. Be sure to eat right, exercise and laugh. Go to a comedy club with a couple of friends. Laughter heals the mind body and soul.

Until we see you again ... .watch a couple of these video's

You got this T ... .and we have your back~!

This one is motivational ... .it will apply to you in some way shape or form.

"Even the most confident & motivational people will need a helping hand at some point in their life."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ZQeMv5PXhg

This one is just funny as hell ... .
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_Z3lmidmrY

This one is should be the NON anthem of recovery ... .

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cAFl2D8j8cM

And this one lets you know it's ok to grieve your loss ... .
"The most important life lesson I've ever learned is this ... . sometime people leave ... .and sometimes unexpectedly ... .take a deep breath ... .mourn the loss ... .and start living again."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BsIYlgrov3k&t=154s

[T-riddle]

Thanks Everyone for the feedback! It really feels good to vent about this to a community of people who actually GET it! 

See I moved home after finishing my undergraduate education and my BPDex decided to move home too, which "ironically" was only 30min from my hometown. The problem is that i really have no friends here in my hometown... .majority of my friends I met in college. So i find that when i get off work at night or i'm bored at home, that is always when i find the urge to log onto her facebook. I guess it makes me feel good to know that she's not out, or busy... .because i'm just so bored and miserable... .ya know misery loves company. I know i shouldn't look because i see messages between her, and her ex's who she paints black and white, depending on the day or how she feels. My BPDex is a bombshell I mean super attractive and could land just about anyone, so naturally most of her ex's put up with her ill behavior just for that very reason. I however was different i was the only one who knew about her BPD, and she would always promise me that she would go to counseling or get help, but of course whenever she became triggered that flew out the door. It just sucks that we were so close and she seem's to be moving on with ease. I narcissistically, believed that she would never get over me because we both had a very strong attachment to one another, she called me at least 6 times a day and we talked about everything. Even though i was the one who walked away, it's just shocking to see her move on. I always felt that our relationship was special and for some reason i feel like she chose the disorder over me. I know that is an irrational thing to think because well she can't help having BPD, but that's just how i feel :/

[roberto516]

It just sucks that we were so close and she seem's to be moving on with ease. I narcissistically, believed that she would never get over me because we both had a very strong attachment to one another, she called me at least 6 times a day and we talked about everything. Even though i was the one who walked away, it's just shocking to see her move on. I always felt that our relationship was special and for some reason i feel like she chose the disorder over me. I know that is an irrational thing to think because well she can't help having BPD, but that's just how i feel :/

I feel ya my friend. My relationship got the point, which I swore I wouldn't do again because I did it in past relationships, where everytime I was mad and felt ignored I would threaten to leave or I would. Well she would always come back. One day she didn't and I begged her to try again and swore I'd make changes. However, that was always the same thing. She would never apologize to me for being hurt. She would just reach out after a little bit of time and we'd be fine again. Then I left one time and I guess our pattern had become that I apologize. Well, like you, I guess I wanted that to be a real test. Do you care enough to show me you want to try this without me taking all the blame? Well I got my answer.

I see people always say here, and it's true, that we finally got what we thought we really wanted (an end to the relationship) but when it happens it's not what we want anymore.

One little caveat, if you want to explore this. What you stated is not necessarily how you are feeling. It's what you are thinking. How do you really feel? Is it sadness, anxiety, fear, etc. And maybe one day you could put a smiley face after all your words instead You should be happy that you are thinking and feeling these things. It means you are human and you don't want to suppress those things and run from it. It shows health and maturity.

[T-riddle]

She would just reach out after a little bit of time and we'd be fine again. Then I left one time and I guess our pattern had become that I apologize. Well, like you, I guess I wanted that to be a real test. Do you care enough to show me you want to try this without me taking all the blame? Well I got my answer.

I see people always say here, and it's true, that we finally got what we thought we really wanted (an end to the relationship) but when it happens it's not what we want anymore.

This was exactly my experience. Me and her would always not talk for like a week or two then she would carry on as if nothing happened. Well leading up to the point in which i finally decided to leave, we were speaking on the phone and she started this whole "your voice is annoying me thing... ." which she uses as an excuse whenever she doesn't want to hear what i have to say. I guess that was the straw that broke the camel's back. Her father had just passed away a couple weeks prior and I had been there for her every step of the way. I let her cry to me on the phone for hours, stayed up all night with her because she was sad. Facetimed her everyday when she was visiting her dad at the hospital, but to be rewarded with fluctuating emotional abuse, was really started to get under my skin. I then decided enough was enough. she contacted me a week later to ask what i was doing for my birthday and i informed her that she would not be attending.

I let her know that if she could not communicate with me or behave as a friend should, then she will have no place in my life. She didn't say much but "ouch... .have a nice life." i decided then i would let her go and did not contact her for a month. Out of the blue, I get a call at 1 am from a new number. It was her and she said she missed me and wanted to see how I was doing. Well as mentioned earlier i had been reading all her facebook messages and saw that she had reached out to a number of people because she was fighting with her ex.

This made me angry that she only called me out of NEED, not because she actually missed our friendship. Knowing this gave me the strength to hangup on her and delete her new number. It's been 3 weeks since she last called and i haven't heard a peep from her. I currently feel calm, but a little sad that she has not fought to keep our relationship alive... .I guess I'm really wanting her to reach out and apologize for how she treated me. I want her to say she misses me and actually mean it. I want her to acknowledge that she is partially responsible for the downfall of our relationship. Most importantly i want proof that our relationship mattered to her and that she did in fact LOVE me. However even if I were to get answers, it would make me feel good but in the end, I don't think I  want her back in my life. She constantly tried to make me feel jealous when we were together by triangulating me with her ex's. I begged her when we were friends to go to a water park with me, and to spend time with me. And as soon as we stopped talking, she went to a water park with an ex. I love myself to much to be apart of a BPD harem.By walking away i wanted to show her that YES i respect myself and NO you will not triangulate with me, NO you will not blow hot and cold with me, and NO you will not mistreat me and then show no empathy for your actions. I wanted to prove to her that i had it in me to walk away, because tbh none of her ex's ever found the courage to leave her, they all hang around, in hopes of getting a few crumbs thrown their way, and I wanted to make it clear that i will not play by those rules... .I guess now i'm just sitting with the reality that I did walk away, and while i don't have an urge to contact her, I really really want closure and for her to  come crawling back to me... .maybe it's an ego thing?