I didn't expect things to happen so quick. I still have a ways to go.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So I posted a few days ago about my break up with my BPDex and have been trying to process things.  I predicted two things would happen: 1. She would start seeing someone else and 2: she would contact me again.  Well, little did I know both would happen in the same day.  I have one more year of my peace corps service left as does my ex.  I was traveling into town for a meeting on one day and an event on the next.  Quick backstory, before we were placed in our permanent communities she requested to be placed nearest to me and it was grante, so she is in the community next to mine.  Back to what happened.  I'm traveling on the bus to go to my meeting and we stop at her bus stop and, you guessed it, she and the person she is seeing now get on the bus.  This person was a "mutual" friend until now.  I recently discovered she blocked me on Facebook and now she's seeing my ex.  I've had my suspicions for some time before we broke up, but I just thought it might be me overthinking things.  Needless to say my ex acted like she didn't see or know me and her friend asked me how I was doing like I'm a fool.  I thought my heart was going to beat out of my chest.  It reminded me of the last breakup I went through because that ex was very similar to this ex in that she up and left.  It also reminded me of some traumatic experiences I had with my parents when I was a kid.  It hurt really bad to see her with someone else so soon.  Her friend got off the bus and then a ways down the road she moved up closer to me and was obviously trying to get my attention.  I ignored her and looked out the window.  Then later at my meeting she was there and I just continued to ignore her.  She was just laughing and having a great time and she posted a picture of her and her "friend" on WhatsApp and they were just laughing and so happy looking.  Then she leaves and a while after she does she texts me to ask if it's okay that she go to a BBQ that me and someone else had planned on going to.  I ignored it.  It really pissed me off that she acted the way she did and then texts me to ask like she cares about my feelings.  Anyways a couple of days go by and I ended up having a little too much wine and made a fool of myself.  Any time I see her or hear her voice I immediately get filled with anxiety and clam up.  And I'll have to be around her for one more year.  I was mortified the next morning when a friend recounted to me what had happened.  I've been intentionally trying to build healthy relationships and friendships since the break up and I just feel like I've isolated myself with this set back.  I'm hurting and feeling alone.  I've decided to abstain from any alcohol for a while until I'm in a healthier place.  Has anyone had a similar experience and if so, or not, what would you recommend I do?

[TiredButReady80]

So I posted a few days ago about my break up with my BPDex and have been trying to process things.  I predicted two things would happen: 1. She would start seeing someone else and 2: she would contact me again.  Well, little did I know both would happen in the same day.  I have one more year of my peace corps service left as does my ex.  I was traveling into town for a meeting on one day and an event on the next.  Quick backstory, before we were placed in our permanent communities she requested to be placed nearest to me and it was grante, so she is in the community next to mine.  Back to what happened.  I'm traveling on the bus to go to my meeting and we stop at her bus stop and, you guessed it, she and the person she is seeing now get on the bus.  This person was a "mutual" friend until now.  I recently discovered she blocked me on Facebook and now she's seeing my ex.  I've had my suspicions for some time before we broke up, but I just thought it might be me overthinking things.  Needless to say my ex acted like she didn't see or know me and her friend asked me how I was doing like I'm a fool.  I thought my heart was going to beat out of my chest.  It reminded me of the last breakup I went through because that ex was very similar to this ex in that she up and left.  It also reminded me of some traumatic experiences I had with my parents when I was a kid.  It hurt really bad to see her with someone else so soon.  Her friend got off the bus and then a ways down the road she moved up closer to me and was obviously trying to get my attention.  I ignored her and looked out the window.  Then later at my meeting she was there and I just continued to ignore her.  She was just laughing and having a great time and she posted a picture of her and her "friend" on WhatsApp and they were just laughing and so happy looking.  Then she leaves and a while after she does she texts me to ask if it's okay that she go to a BBQ that me and someone else had planned on going to.  I ignored it.  It really pissed me off that she acted the way she did and then texts me to ask like she cares about my feelings.  Anyways a couple of days go by and I ended up having a little too much wine and made a fool of myself.  Any time I see her or hear her voice I immediately get filled with anxiety and clam up.  And I'll have to be around her for one more year.  I was mortified the next morning when a friend recounted to me what had happened.  I've been intentionally trying to build healthy relationships and friendships since the break up and I just feel like I've isolated myself with this set back.  I'm hurting and feeling alone.  I've decided to abstain from any alcohol for a while until I'm in a healthier place.  Has anyone had a similar experience and if so, or not, what would you recommend I do?

[once removed]

hey tiredbutready80,

my heart goes out to you, i can hear that sense of exhaustion and isolation in your words. its a hard place to be  .

It reminded me of the last breakup I went through because that ex was very similar to this ex in that she up and left.  It also reminded me of some traumatic experiences I had with my parents when I was a kid.  It hurt really bad to see her with someone else so soon.

i get this completely. double whammy traumatic relationship endings really sting and can create lasting feelings of rejection, along with stirring up terrible memories.

Then she leaves and a while after she does she texts me to ask if it's okay that she go to a BBQ that me and someone else had planned on going to.  I ignored it.

good move. "are you seriously asking for my permission to go to a bbq" might have felt good, but was probably better left unsent  

I was mortified the next morning when a friend recounted to me what had happened.

understandable, id feel very much the same. shake it off. whats done is done.

I've been intentionally trying to build healthy relationships and friendships since the break up and I just feel like I've isolated myself with this set back.

and it doesnt negate the work youve done; can you elaborate on how youve set about this, by the way? i remember i tried to resurrect relationships that had gone by the way, and they had all moved on, and i felt so frustrated, and increasingly isolated.

I've decided to abstain from any alcohol for a while until I'm in a healthier place.

this is a good, strong move and mental health decision. likely, alcohol will only increase feelings of isolation and shame.

Has anyone had a similar experience and if so, or not, what would you recommend I do?

are you seeing a therapist? it sounds like you could use someone to talk to and process with in your life, and when youre trying to build new and healthy relationships, mixing the two generally doesnt mesh.

[Turkish]

Then she leaves and a while after she does she texts me to ask if it's okay that she go to a BBQ that me and someone else had planned on going to.  I ignored it.  It really pissed me off that she acted the way she did and then texts me to ask like she cares about my feelings.

I used to get things like this a lot.  I felt confused,  angry,  hurt,  and basically like "what?"

I realized that her world view was radically different from mine.  How could anyone hurt someone they loved,  even if recently,  so much? A person with BPD traits,  however,  looks to soothe their often uncontrollable emotions, and out of fear,  looks for the attachment which will result in them feeling comfortable. Empathy flies out the window. 

[DaddyBear77]

Hey TiredButReady80 - I'm really sorry to hear this is happening. Being overseas, basically stuck somewhere that you have to run into this person all the time, that has got to make things so much worse.

You said in an earlier post that you felt like your therapist and your parents are the only people you have to talk to. I know this feeling well. When the person with BPD in my life discarded me about 10 years ago, I found myself sitting alone, with about half a dozen "ex-friends" that I'd isolated out of my life. It took a long time to build back even some superficial friendships, but in retrospect, it would have been SO important for me to have done that. As it turned out, after only a month or two of NC, I ended up picking up the phone again when my pwBPD called. I got to hear about the men and women she was dating, and how they all valued her so much more than I did. It hurt. I guess the moral here was that it was so much harder to heal when I couldn't find a way to form new friendships.

I hope you can find some opportunities to interact with others in your group and maybe form some friendships that might have been harder to form while you and she were "together."

[TiredButReady80]

I'm seeing a therapist and I think the reason why I have always gotten with personality disordered people is because of neglect and abandonment issues from my childhood.  In one way or another both of my parents let me down at integral parts of my childhood and hurt me.  This in turn caused me to rationalize things as only a child could.  I blamed myself for not being lovable or good enough to receive their attention/love in those moments.  I internalized those things and brought it into my adult life and my relationships.  Low self esteem, people pleasing, poor boundaries, care taking, dependency, etc. because I measured my worth in how well I could perform tasks and for whoevers affection I'm seeking.  This has attracted personality disordered partners into my life because I have always put their needs ahead of my own.  I was accused of many things and called many names, most of which weren't true.  I know what I brought to my last relationship and I know how I felt for her.  She can't convince me otherwise.  Outside of the relationship, I know what I'm capable of accomplishing and I'm constantly working on being a better me for my next partner.  But I do have days where I second guess myself and start feeling down.  I've undoubtedly been battling depression, but I don't want to look back on this period of my life and not recall any good memories because I engaged the auto pilot.  My main thing is that I have to see and/or hear about her from time to time and I'm tired of it.  It's like she's still haunting me.  It's like the line from the Bob Dylan song Positively Fourth Street, "you'd know what a drag it is to see you".  I just want her to go away.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi TiredButReady,

I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through.  Being in close proximity certainly makes healing harder.  I can relate, as I've bumped into my ex a few times or seen him in passing - the last time with his new gf.  Initially it was so hard and anxiety provoking, however over time I wonder if this sort of 'flooding' (a phobia cure technique) has made me a little stronger.  Possibly.  Still, not a pleasant experience and one I'd rather have avoided.  Just knowing that there is that constant possibility of glimpsing him somewhere is uncomfortable, even though I feel more indifferent now.  We reached the point where we simply pass one another as you would a total stranger.  That suits me just fine. 

My main thing is that I have to see and/or hear about her from time to time and I'm tired of it.  It's like she's still haunting me.  It's like the line from the Bob Dylan song Positively Fourth Street, "you'd know what a drag it is to see you".  I just want her to go away.

Is there any possibility you could be active in doing something about this?  I don't know how the peace corps works, but could you request a transfer or something?  Everything you say in your last post makes total sense and you seem to have a good awareness.  So glad that you have the support of a therapist.  This kind of help is extremely valuable at a time like this.  Keep posting too.  We'll be here to listen.  You're far from alone in your feelings. 

Love and light x

[TiredButReady80]

I have too much going on with projects now.  I can't do my community like that.  I'm the majority of the way through my service and I don't want to punish those who have invested in me because of my poor choices in partners.  These endeavors are very important to me and I want to see them to fruition. So, to answer your question, I don't want to transfer.   

[Harley Quinn]

That's good to hear.  It sounds like this is more important to you than getting away from the situation with your ex and can give you strength and focus to concentrate on doing the things that matter to you.  I can fully understand your commitment to your great work with the people you support and respect that entirely.  So glad that you have this wonderful opportunity to make a difference and see the results of your hard efforts.  It's very rewarding and well earned.  6 years ago I developed a chronic condition that meant I had to give up my career prematurely and after throwing myself into my work for so many years and achieving so much it was devastating.  I'm glad to hear that you're prioritising your own goals and values. 

How are you feeling currently about things?  You seem to be making great progress with your therapy and have a good understanding of yourself.  It's admirable to have this kind of awareness. 

Love and light x   

[TiredButReady80]

I've remained NC.  But I'm starting to second guess myself and romanticize the past.  I'm still hurting from being discarded so easily.  Also, the very likely chance that she is seeing/sleeping with someone else.  I realize when you're broken up all bets are off and I also recognize that there are deeper issues that involve my mother.  There are times I start to really miss her.  It's hard.  

[TiredButReady80]

Now I'm back to being angry at how easily I was cast aside.  How the all of the credit for the breakup was placed on me.  How she's been able to keep doing what it is she's doing and not miss a beat, like I never existed.  It's bs.