First thread

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi.  I found this site after looking through numerous information sites and blogs/forums.  My mother has not been diagnosed with BPD, but after years of dealing with her and her issues, and reading books about this disorder (Walking on Egg Shells, specifically) she definitely displays many convincing characteristics of having BPD.  I just wanted to join to get more information and see how other adult children with BPD mothers are dealing with it.

[lrcny]

Hi.  I found this site after looking through numerous information sites and blogs/forums.  My mother has not been diagnosed with BPD, but after years of dealing with her and her issues, and reading books about this disorder (Walking on Egg Shells, specifically) she definitely displays many convincing characteristics of having BPD.  I just wanted to join to get more information and see how other adult children with BPD mothers are dealing with it.

[MrWtn1978]

Welcome!  I have found that it is hard to unlearn relationship patterns that have seemed normal our entire life.  Establishing good relationship boundaries is so important!  If you find this difficult due to guilt (self or BPD) or just feeling like you don't know what a "normal" boundary is, it is definitely helpful to talk with a professional who can walk you through the specifics of your situation.  Books a wonderful too, but since my mom fit into the highly functional category sometimes I needed more specifics for the subtle stuff she would do to manipulate us.

Also it was very helpful when I could develop some empathy.  She will never accept this diagnosis, or that she does ANYTHING wrong EVER, so it can be hard to deal with the relationship issues.  But once I could see how her mind works within BPD, I understand that until she gets help - which seems unlikely - she can't help how she thinks and feels.  It is NORMAL to her, and if I can see it, I know how to reassure her.  I won't every please her (outside of letting her get her way every time), but I don't have to drown in the guilt.  I can set a boundary, reassure her of  my love, and then give her space to move forward if she chooses to.

Right now we are kind of in a holding pattern after about a year of minimal contact.  She is faking being ok around me, and I am playing along because it is better then all the endless circles of fighting.  I am dealing with the fact that our issues have no resolution right now.  So I focus on how to make life the best it can be when we are together, and still keep from being sucked into her schemes.

[lrcny]

Thanks for the advice.  Sometimes I feel like the only way to deal with it is just to limit contact for a while.  Doesn't really help the situation, but it allows me to get rid of some of the anxiety for a while.