Is my wife a borderline? Is there any hope?

[Franman]

Just learned about BPD and realize that my wife of 22 years likely has the disorder. Lost my job two years ago because of errors made while recuperating from a severe episode of depression. I had been able to tolerate a very stormy relationship up to this point since despite the angry tirades over trivial things she would always tell me she loved me, is a good cook and takes care of herself. No longer. I have been completely cut off emotionally. She tells me she just "isn't in to me". She throws F bombs constantly and tells me the entire marriage has been a horrible mistake. For six months I did not defend myself against any attacks, did everything possible to do the housework, and told her that I loved her. This had absolutely no effect. She accuses me of being lazy, hostile and physically unattractive. She comes from a broken home and came here from Trinidad at the age of 24. Everybody loves her.  She's attractive, vivacious and overly generous. We got married in large part since she got pregnant. I thought I would take chance.  I feel that she is totally alien at this point. I guess I'm codependent since I fear being alone at 62.  Two kids, 17 and 21. She loves my son but treats my daughter as badly as she treats me.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hello. This all sounds very difficult. I just wanted to say I understand how hard it can be. It is not always clear what is "off" but we know something is not quite right. And then once we get to that step we see it is this massive thing that we are left trying to sort out and figure out how to respond to.

Perhaps, given the age of your children, they can also read up on things here and help you feel better by providing some confirmation that you are recognizing what you seem to be recognizing after these 22 years? Perhaps they could be a source of comfort and support if you are lucky?

It sounds like you have a lot to focus on with yourself as well given this past episode with depression.

I know personally the insults can be very hard to hear and very confusing. Just last week my partner said he never wanted to see me ever again, that I was the source of all his problems, and he was already looking for my replacement. This week he is madly in love and can't get enough of me. I see these as cycles now. I try to depersonalize the mean stuff he says. It takes a major toll on me, but all I can really do is manage that as best I can. Sort it out and be the stability I want in life since he cannot offer me anything like that.

So, just take it piece by piece, step by step. Focus on the parts you can control - the stuff about you and what you want for your life. I am only in my late 40's and already worry about age stuff, but after many years of this I am growing beyond the fear of "being alone." If this is what "being together" is than "being alone" might not be so bad. It used to really bother me, the thought of "being alone" later in life, but now I would be ready to welcome it as an opportunity to start new friendships and have new outlets and volunteer with others. We must try not to let our lives be ruled by fear. I hope you find some peace and comfort reading things on these boards. And hopefully you will find some new ideas. Never forget, even one person changing can make a more positive relationship. Take care!

[Tattered Heart]

HI Franman,

I"m sorry to hear that things are so hard for you right now. You've found a really great place for support and advice. We have a lot of workshops on the right side of the page that would be a great place to start. What would you say is the one thing you are struggling with the most right now?