Need advice

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi There.
I have been a romanitc relationship for about 5 years. I was married and he was married when we fell in love. We decided that it was the best thing to divorce to start our new amazing romantic out of this world love relationship. Since the divorce happened. Its been a  a rollercoaster. From the beginning, (even while married to my ex) My boyfriend showed signs of jealousy and control. I didn't think much of it i was actually flattered cause my husband was never jealous. Then,  slowly and  without me noticing, i was feeling very pressured by him. To sign divorce papers quickly, to move out, to do do do do.  Contrary of me i never "pushed". its a long story but i have to say that we the ups and downs of this relationship have cause me to be depressed to the point of thinking to end my life. I couldn't pin point exactly what it was. I told him he had arrogance issues, anger, issues, he was so easily offended.   To make the story shorter him and his kids that live with him 50 per cent of the time moved in 6 months ago.   the last fight, he verbally abused me again and punishes me with time away from the family. I cant take it anymore, I spoke to a therapist an dtold me that he might have BPD.  Now im here. lost. unsure of what to do even though 51% of me says that its time to break up. That he is so insecure and so full of abandonment issues that he is not going to be able to have an emotionally intimate relationship... .

[polly12]

Hi There.
I have been a romanitc relationship for about 5 years. I was married and he was married when we fell in love. We decided that it was the best thing to divorce to start our new amazing romantic out of this world love relationship. Since the divorce happened. Its been a  a rollercoaster. From the beginning, (even while married to my ex) My boyfriend showed signs of jealousy and control. I didn't think much of it i was actually flattered cause my husband was never jealous. Then,  slowly and  without me noticing, i was feeling very pressured by him. To sign divorce papers quickly, to move out, to do do do do.  Contrary of me i never "pushed". its a long story but i have to say that we the ups and downs of this relationship have cause me to be depressed to the point of thinking to end my life. I couldn't pin point exactly what it was. I told him he had arrogance issues, anger, issues, he was so easily offended.   To make the story shorter him and his kids that live with him 50 per cent of the time moved in 6 months ago.   the last fight, he verbally abused me again and punishes me with time away from the family. I cant take it anymore, I spoke to a therapist an dtold me that he might have BPD.  Now im here. lost. unsure of what to do even though 51% of me says that its time to break up. That he is so insecure and so full of abandonment issues that he is not going to be able to have an emotionally intimate relationship... .

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Radcliff]

Hello polly12,

First, have you told your therapist about your thoughts about suicide?  That is an area that I am not familiar with, but know enough to know it must be taken seriously.  If you thought about it seriously enough to mention it to us, please get some in person support.

There are several boards here.  This one is focused on improving a relationship.  Are there any particularly tough aspects about making things better with your partner that you might like advice about?  It sounds like you are working through whether or not to stay or go -- there is a "Conflicted" board where others are discussing similar issues, and you might hear from more others in a similar situation on that board, particularly if you post a question asking for how others are working through their decisions.  It's totally OK to post one question to one board and a different question to another board, especially if you feel like you've got one foot in one and one foot in another.  Many of us here on "Improving" spend a fair bit of time "Conflicted!"  I certainly do.  

Take some time to learn about BPD, starting with the tools on the right of this Web page.  "Walking on Eggshells" is a classic book, and may be a good start.  The only thing you can control in all of this is your behavior.  With the resources at the right, reading books, and discussions on this board, you can learn tips for how you can avoid adding fuel to the fire and likely improve things.  Even if things don't improve enough, any improvement is likely to lower your stress levels and make it easier to get by and make the decisions you need to make.

Hmm... .I kind of feel like I just gave you a lot of homework, and you may have shown up not expecting such a hard class!    But you know that life with BPD is a pretty hard class anyway - I found doing the extra homework to be very helpful in keeping me from totally losing my marbles, coping with everything, and improving things a bit.