Question about splitting

[Depression = 72% of members]

I am looking for someone to help explain the difference between BPD black and white thinking, i.e splitting vs. a normal fight or argument in a relationship.

When you're upset with your partner and/or they are upset with you, what is the difference between that and splitting? Is it the time that it lasts? Is it the way either partner tries to go about reconcilling? How can you tell the difference?

Thanks

[jinglebells1989]

I am looking for someone to help explain the difference between BPD black and white thinking, i.e splitting vs. a normal fight or argument in a relationship.

When you're upset with your partner and/or they are upset with you, what is the difference between that and splitting? Is it the time that it lasts? Is it the way either partner tries to go about reconcilling? How can you tell the difference?

Thanks

[once removed]

we have a lot of information on splitting here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62033.0

can you give us some examples from your relationship that youre confused about? that will help clarify.

[jinglebells1989]

we have a lot of information on splitting here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62033.0

can you give us some examples from your relationship that youre confused about? that will help clarify.

That's a good question. To be honest, I wouldn't even know how to describe them. There were a few times in our relationship I was upset with her. I would give her the cold shoulder and when she would ask what was wrong I would tell her. She would always act as if she had done nothing wrong. This would include when she would go silent on me during a date. I would ask her what was wrong and she would never address the problem. She would always change the subject which was frustrating. But the point is that we were communicating.

However, when she was upset she completely stonewalled me. That was essentially the end of the relationship. When I asked her what was wrong she brought up all these problems that I was unaware of. She was essentially angry at me for things that she initially liked about me. There was no reasoning with her.

For me personally I think space for a few days is normal when you're upset with each other or fighting. Is that normal or is that BPD behavior?

[talking rose]

I think space is different than stonewalling and ignoring.  It is normal (and sometimes even a good idea) to communicate to your partner that you are upset but not ready to talk about it yet, and you just want some space, and you will talk in a few hours/ a day/ etc.  But to give the cold shoulder or ignore and then when asked just stonewall, that is passive aggressive behavior, bordering on emotional abuse.

[jinglebells1989]

I think space is different than stonewalling and ignoring.  It is normal (and sometimes even a good idea) to communicate to your partner that you are upset but not ready to talk about it yet, and you just want some space, and you will talk in a few hours/ a day/ etc.  But to give the cold shoulder or ignore and then when asked just stonewall, that is passive aggressive behavior, bordering on emotional abuse.

That's what happend at the end. I was completely shut off by her. I was desperate for answers and closure and not even a peep from her. Got a call from the police telling me to leaver he alone. I look back at it now and see it for what it was, like you said, extreme emotional abuse.

I think it's easy for an outsider to say something like "Well she told you to leave her alone, so leave her alone". But after the idealization phase that is impossible. All the things they do for you and how special they treat you... .you simply can't leave them alone. I was addicted at that point.

[roberto516]

That's what happend at the end. I was completely shut off by her. I was desperate for answers and closure and not even a peep from her. Got a call from the police telling me to leaver he alone. I look back at it now and see it for what it was, like you said, extreme emotional abuse.

I think it's easy for an outsider to say something like "Well she told you to leave her alone, so leave her alone". But after the idealization phase that is impossible. All the things they do for you and how special they treat you... .you simply can't leave them alone. I was addicted at that point.

Thank you for your honesty. Not that I'm happy it happened to you but this is what I did. No call from police though but I felt so bad about myself for turning into this person I really am not. You explained it so well with what was going on in my own head. It might have been emotional abuse and a part of me believes there was a subconscious understanding that I was suffering and maybe the begging made her feel good/desired? I mean the first recycle happened when I finally stopped bothering her for a couple days and she came back full force so it seems like some of that was going on.

But I also know a part of her probably couldn't process, discuss the questions I had and the emotions I wanted to talk about. Heck, she couldn't do it when she loved me in our relationship. How could she do it when she finally detached and stopped wanting to be with me? I was pushing for answers from someone who didn't know how to process and verbalize those feelings.

[once removed]

Is that normal or is that BPD behavior?

its really important to know that BPD behavior is human nature (stuff we all do to varying degrees), just taken to extremes. that includes splitting (i dont hear examples of splitting, per se, but resenting you for the things she previously liked about you might be an example.)

you cold shouldered her, she stonewalled you. neither are healthy forms of communication, one is more extreme.

When you're upset with your partner and/or they are upset with you, what is the difference between that and splitting?

being upset with a partner is human nature. splitting is living in that moment with no subtext - the person is all good or all bad with little or no in between.

[jinglebells1989]

its really important to know that BPD behavior is human nature (stuff we all do to varying degrees), just taken to extremes. that includes splitting (i dont hear examples of splitting, per se, but resenting you for the things she previously liked about you might be an example.)

you cold shouldered her, she stonewalled you. neither are healthy forms of communication, one is more extreme.

being upset with a partner is human nature. splitting is living in that moment with no subtext - the person is all good or all bad with little or no in between.

I appreciate and admire your candor. Thank you for that. The cold shoulder stuff I learned from my parents. When they would fight, they would ignore each other for a bit but within a couple of hours or a day or two one of them would apologize and then the other would apologize. I guess that's where I learned my confrontation style. I know it is probably better to address the problem immediately but that'll take a bit more work and this relationship definitely made me realize that for future relationships.

But she was on a whole other level. She NEVER talked about our problems. She would either completely shut down or change the subject. I've mentioned this before but at times she would get quiet and her eyes would start to water as if she was on the brink of crying and then that would be it. Nothing else.

So while my style isn't the healthiest and needs improvement, hers wasn't even there. It was nothing. And towards the end getting the stonewall treatment after I catch her texting another man especially after the love bombing in the beginning which was extreme, I've got to believe she does have at least traits of BPD or other personality disorders.

[jinglebells1989]

Thank you for your honesty. Not that I'm happy it happened to you but this is what I did. No call from police though but I felt so bad about myself for turning into this person I really am not. You explained it so well with what was going on in my own head. It might have been emotional abuse and a part of me believes there was a subconscious understanding that I was suffering and maybe the begging made her feel good/desired? I mean the first recycle happened when I finally stopped bothering her for a couple days and she came back full force so it seems like some of that was going on.

But I also know a part of her probably couldn't process, discuss the questions I had and the emotions I wanted to talk about. Heck, she couldn't do it when she loved me in our relationship. How could she do it when she finally detached and stopped wanting to be with me? I was pushing for answers from someone who didn't know how to process and verbalize those feelings.

Yeah it's hard for me to grasp at times too; that fall from grace, going from King of the world in her eyes to this groveling pathetic loser is just something I can't believe that happened to me. There are so good at doing this to people. And yes it does make them feel good about themselves, at least it does for the ones who are comorbid with NPD. "This guy/gal lost their mind over me. I MUST be important"., etc.

[NYGirl33]

That's what happend at the end. I was completely shut off by her. I was desperate for answers and closure and not even a peep from her. Got a call from the police telling me to leaver he alone. I look back at it now and see it for what it was, like you said, extreme emotional abuse.

I think it's easy for an outsider to say something like "Well she told you to leave her alone, so leave her alone". But after the idealization phase that is impossible. All the things they do for you and how special they treat you... .you simply can't leave them alone. I was addicted at that point.

This is exactly how I am feeling right now at this very moment. I have been stonewalled to the point where I dont even get a response or acknowledgement, and I specifically ask for something, anything... Just to get some closure and I am completely ignored. It just makes you feel even crazier, and as you mentioned... its almost like an addiction, bc you are chasing after that high that you once had in your relationship. Its just awful. I totally empathize. Did yours come back and try to work it out with you? Mine is with an ex partner so has literally no interest in me now.

[SummerStorm]

With splitting, there are no gray areas.  I once said to my BPD friend, "There is no middle ground with you!"  And there really isn't.  We are either all good or all bad. 

What you mention about her not talking about it and working through it is behavior I see all the time with my BPD friend.  She refuses to have serious conversations, instead choosing to just change the subject and pretend like nothing happened. 

It's normal to be mad at someone and to not want to talk to them for a few hours.  What separates a pwBPD from a non-disordered person is the way the person communicates that desire to not talk and how that person goes about it.  My dad used to just go out and do strenuous yard work.  My mom would go upstairs and read a book.  But neither one would just refuse to talk to the other.  Distance is fine and healthy at times, but not when one person is using it to purposely punish the other.