Was I with someone with BPD for the last year? I feel so deceived

[NYGirl33]

Hi everyone!

I am new here... and am hoping that some of you can chime in with some advice/answers/insight because I feel as if I am on a hamster wheel going over every single detail of my failed relationship, and desperately trying to understand. I am going to give a brief synopsis of what happened and please share your thoughts... I dont know if my partner had BPD but the more I read, the more it seems that way. Here it goes:

I was coming out of my marriage and newly separated when I met this person, I will call him Tom (not real name). Tom would talk with me, flirt with me, and we seemed to have a real connection. I wasn't looking for anything but he appeared by coincidence/timing. We started to have a sexual relationship. Then it developed into more over the course of a few months. Our connection was magnetic, the sex was amazing and intense, and he seemed much more into me than I was into him. He would tell me I was his dream girl. He told me he loved me, that I was it for him, that he wanted me to be a stepMom to his children. He said he has never been in love with anyone the way he is with me. Claimed I was the best in alot of things. And was very good at looking me in the eyes when he charmed me with all of this. I fell hard and fast. When things were good, they were so good. I began to notice irregularities in his behavior and moods. He would have severe mood swings. He would be sending me, I love you messages, to suddenly yelling at me that I was not helping him. Always telling me that I didnt understand. He was always complaining about how hard his life is and no one has it as hard as him. I would go over the top in helping him in so many ways bc I loved him. I was buying him his groceries bc he said he didnt know how to shop healthy. I was shopping for his childrens gifts bc "he had no time and was stressed", to which he would never pay me back. I was buying him clothes, coats, you name it. It was alot of me taking care of him. There were moments when he would reciprocate and seem to be loving and caring towards me, so I thought it was genuine at times. We would get into a tiny disagreement about something and he was get super emotional about it, and completely over react. He was extremely dramatic and was always very accusatory. He would turn things around on me all the time to the point where nothing made sense at all. The best way I can describe it and when my friends read his messages to me, they just said this doesnt seem like a normal reaction and he is basically hysterical and having a tantrum. He would have one of these hysterical outbursts about once a month and start a fight with me for no reason and push me away and shut down.
Side bar: We spoke of his last relationship. He told me they were never really a couple, he never loved her, that she was a horrible, mean, selfish woman. That she was obsessed with him and wanted him back bc she was so lonely and no one wanted to date her. He said, he was never attracted to her, and the list goes on and on. She was more like an assistant to him. Fast forward to us now seriously dating, and he would tell me stories of them with her children, or vice versa. And it raised a red flag, like this sounds alot more serious than you every alluded to. I asked him and he would say, they had a weird relationship. He said she would send him I miss you messages, or call and ask him to help her with something. I said, this doesnt sound like a relationship that you have closed the door on otherwise she wouldnt be reaching out. And he always said, she was just miserable and lonely and that he wished she would find out that he was with me so she would move on. I asked him to please stop talking to her if he is in a committed relationship with me. I said, do you have an emotional relationship with her? and he said, No. Never. Absolutely not. He accused me of just being insecure and jealous. And I should get over it otherwise he will leave me. He did end up saying he would cut her off no problem. And so I thought. We continued dating for the next 7 months to which I thought he had ZERO contact with her. He was very much in love with me, or so I thought, or so he said he was. Fast forward to last month. Something happened with my ex-husband and it in turn made Tom feel insecure about his and our relationship, that it wasnt progressing the way he wanted it to. Two weeks went by and I heard nothing about it. We went away together, all was fine with us. One day He started a massive argument with me for no reason at all. And said he wanted to spend the weekend alone. The fight escalated and he started to make it all about what I did to him, and how I was ashamed of him, etc etc. None of which was true. The more I tried to explain, the more he didnt want to hear it. I told him he was unstable. and I needed  more. He got nasty and told me Goodbye and he needed a break from me. I gave him his space, but was extremely confused as to what had transpired. Come to find out, that he had went running back to her. Had spend the weekends with her, had his daughter with her, was having sex with her. Also found out that he never cut off communication with her. Would reach out to her once a month, and likely right around the times that he and I would argue. I was away visiting a sick family member and I found out he tried to have a date night with her while i was gone! It is all so vile and disgusting, the more truths I hear. He lied and deceived me the entire time. And painting her out to be this lonely, vicious woman who he hated and wasnt even attracted to. Makes no sense. I ended up speaking to this other woman... She told me that they have been on and off for 5 years... and that for an entire year, she paid his rent! She found him his apartment, she would do work for him... .It was as if he was mooching off one woman to the next. And he just continues to hop around from one woman to the next. He has cut me off and literally has not spoken to me, as if I meant absolutely nothing to him. I am so hurt and shocked by all of this. Up until this all unfolded, he was telling me how much he loved me. It makes no sense. I always felt that he had something wrong with his personality bc his moods were so unstable, and he got severely emotional and reactive to things. He would suffer from extreme anxiety and just was not successful in many things in his life. He is very disorganized.

Please help me understand if this sounds like someone with BPD. I think it will make me feel alot better to know that I am not alone and that what he has done to me is not normal and that I am not deserving of this treatment.

I find I am having such a difficult time getting over this. All I do is analyze every aspect of every lie he told me. And how he has just completely ditched me and made me out to be the enemy and is back with a woman to which he claimed meant nothing to him ever. I am just so confused and could really use some guidance from those of you who have been through this. I feel as if the last year of my life was all a mirage... .did it actually happen? I was so committed and thought we were so in love. We talked about marriage and moving in together and co parenting step children. It just doesnt make sense.

Thank you all in advance for any help you can provide to getting over this! I seem to be obsessing about it bc I want to understand what happened and I cant. And I know it is not healthy.

[jinglebells1989]

At the very least you were absolutely dealing with someone who demonstrates STRONG symptoms of the cluster b personality disorders (BPD, NPD, HPD and ASPD). The idealization in the beginning followed by the push/pull and creation of chaos. I think a-lot of people here can relate to this.

The thing about BPD and the other presonality disorders is that they are often mixed up with each other - i.e. co morbid. There can be a splash of BPD mixed with a bit of NPD and a few ASPD and HPD traits to top it off. That's how the girl I dated was. Built me up in the beginning like I was some kind of God only to have her act more and more annoyed with me leading to her devaluing me and finally a discard when I caught her texting another man. "He's always been there" was her response to my hurt and confusion as to why she was texting him.

AT THE VERY LEAST this guy is extremely dangerous and you can be sure he definitely has cluster b traits and what you experienced was par for the course with these people. It was nothing you did. He does this with everyone and you were simply next in line. Don't end up like this woman who has been "on/off" with him for years. Cut off complete contact with him and move on with your life. Trust me, I know how brutally painful that is but once you realize that you were dealing with a disorder, it will be easier to heal and move on. What he did to you was the disorder. It was not personal.

[once removed]

hi NYGirl33, and

Please help me understand if this sounds like someone with BPD. I think it will make me feel alot better to know that I am not alone and that what he has done to me is not normal and that I am not deserving of this treatment.

while we arent professionals and cant diagnose anyone, it sounds like the more you read the more you get a sense youve come to the right place, and im confident many members can relate to your story. weve been there, and we can help, and youre not alone.

I seem to be obsessing about it bc I want to understand what happened and I cant. And I know it is not healthy.

you will find that ruminating, and piecing and repiecing the relationship together are pretty common struggles. i read an analogy once from a member that i really liked - its a bit like seeing a movie like the sixth sense. you feel blindsided by the ending, and you start immediately thinking back to the clues you might have missed. you rewatch it and see. maybe you rewatch it again and again, catching something new each time.

the good news is that we can learn a lot from learning more about BPD behavior, and it can help us depersonalize what was so hurtful, and inform our recovery. we have a lot of information here, and resources that many members find helpful. a good place to start is with the lessons (links) directly to the right of the board (you can start here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136462.msg1331263#msg1331263).

its a lot to work through, NYGirl33, and youve got a lot on your plate. how can we best support you? are you seeing a therapist (highly recommended) to help process, and do you have friends and family that you can lean on in this time?

do keep posting, we are here to support you 24/7.

[LastSamurai]

Hi everyone!

  I was coming out of my marriage and newly separated when I met this person,
  I wasn't looking for anything but he appeared by coincidence/timing.
  Our connection was magnetic, the sex was amazing and intense,
  and he seemed much more into me than I was into him.
  He would tell me I was his dream girl.
  He said he has never been in love with anyone the way he is with me.
  Claimed I was the best in alot of things.
  He would have severe mood swings.
  He was extremely dramatic and was always very accusatory.
  He would turn things around on me all the time to the point where nothing made sense at all.
  He would have one of these hysterical outbursts about once a month and start a fight with me for no reason and push me away and shut down.
  He told me they were never really a couple, he never loved her, that she was a horrible, mean, selfish woman. That she was obsessed with him and wanted him back bc she was so lonely and no one wanted to date her.
  He said, he was never attracted to her, and the list goes on and on.
  He said she would send him I miss you messages, or call and ask him to help her with something.
  and that he wished she would find out that he was with me so she would move on.
  He accused me of just being insecure and jealous.
  And I should get over it otherwise he will leave me.

Hi NYGirl33,

Sheesh, I understand your pain. I'm sorry you had to go through this. I'm going through this now. The red flags I called out above really jumped out at me. I'm no expert in this field. I do see a lot of Narcissistic behavior, abandonment issues, love bombing, gas lighting, triangulation, valuation and devaluation, etc. There are a ton of red flags throughout the relationship.

A question I have for you is... .how long after your separation did you meet this person?

[NYGirl33]

jinglebells1989 and once removed

Thank you so much for responding and for your insights. Yes, I am seeing a therapist and yes she thought he def has some sort of a mixture of personality disorders and also that he seemed to "split". I didnt know much about it so I googled and this is how I ended up on this site which so far, I have found EXTREMELY helpful.

There were other things I learned from speaking to his ex (the one he keeps going back to), which were extremely disturbing. He apparently keeps a vault of sexual photos of all his ex girlfriends, and/or videos. He also had an emoji that he said was just for me, and would send it to me when he was thinking of me. Well apparently he has that for a ton of women. Everything he made me feel was unique and special between us, was not at all. His behavior and this person I am now seeing that he is, is so hard for me to swallow. I just feel as if I didnt know this person at all, that everything was a lie.
Part of what is bothering me so much is that this other woman just never cuts him off and says, she has known him a long time and doesn't try to understand the inner workings of his mind. The fact that he is with her and somehow feels vindicated drives me mad. And he has played it off to her, that he just didnt see a future with us. When meanwhile, days before he ended it, I spent the night with his daughter and he was with my family. It makes zero sense. I just keep trying to make sense of it and cant. That is why I turned here.

What can I do to stop the thoughts? As you mentioned reviewing it like a movie... .I go over every aspect and look for clues. or thing of every time he and I had a fight and what he was really doing behind my back. Arghh... Its going to drive me insane!

Thank you all for your support!

[NYGirl33]

LastSamurai-

Thank you... .looking back, they were all red flags. I met him by chance. It was literally brand new separation. It was almost like he could sense my vulnerability. At first though, he did tell me that he wouldnt seriously date a newly separated woman. Yet his actions were to text me every day and try to sleep with me, so it never added up. It was a mental game from the beginning now that I reflect. He would pull me in, and then push me away. Now I feel so used and discarded.  

Thank you!

[LastSamurai]

LastSamurai-

I met him by chance. It was literally brand new separation. It was almost like he could sense my vulnerability.

I understand. Was it a week after the separation? A month? A year? I'm curious in understanding your mentality before you met him?

[panhead67]

Hey NYGirl,

Just wanna welcome you, your in the right place! I identify with much of your story, especially the lying, triangulation, and odd behavior from your loved one.
Ruminations and feeling shock from what you've experienced is normal.
There are many tools offered here, to learn self care and how to heal from this. Easy does it, take one day at a time, one hour at a time, or one minute at a time, whatever you need.

[NYGirl33]

LastSamurai

-I understand. Was it a week after the separation? A month? A year? I'm curious in understanding your mentality before you met him?

To be honest, we were just in the beginning stages of discussing being separated. We weren't even truly living separately yet. So he entered into my life as I was separating if that makes sense. At first, he was just friendly. I was so naive :-(
I thought it was the love I had been waiting for... .it was that intense. All fake.

[NYGirl33]

panhead67

Thank you! When did you start to feel better about it all? Its been a month for me and I have not improved at all!  Its torture. I yearn for those feelings of love back... but I know they werent real... and yet he truly discarded me and doesnt even care like I meant nothing, and I sit here crying myself to sleep at night, going over every single thing. Ugh! I'm sorry you have been through it... but it helps to know that there are other people out there.

[LastSamurai]

LastSamurai

To be honest, we were just in the beginning stages of discussing being separated. We weren't even truly living separately yet. So he entered into my life as I was separating if that makes sense. At first, he was just friendly. I was so naive :-(
I thought it was the love I had been waiting for... .it was that intense. All fake.

Thanks for the feedback. I hope things will get easier for you.

[NYGirl33]

LastSamurai-

Thanks for the feedback. I hope things will get easier for you.

Thank you. For the record, there was no infidelity. Just felt I needed to say that!

[once removed]

All fake.

i can imagine that in all of the shock and deceit that it feels this way, but i encourage you not to invest in a narrative that will likely increase your pain.

odds are that it was all very real for him and you both, the good times and the bad. i think its more realistic (and less painful) to suggest that it was unstable (not built to last).

have you had an opportunity to read our article on surviving a breakup with someone with BPD? it covers so much of what we struggle with in the aftermath of these relationships. https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/10_beliefs.pdf

do you find yourself struggling with any of the ten beliefs?

[NYGirl33]

do you find yourself struggling with any of the ten beliefs?

Yes. I do. Specifically 1, 2, 3 6 and 8. As much as I know that I can never be with this person again because they are incapable of having a healthy relationship. 1. I still have this feeling that this was the love of my life. Maybe it was what I had been missing in my marriage that he filled. The idealization of me felt good I guess. I keep thinking we had a real love. 2. Everything he said to me felt so real. Our relationship felt so real. 3. He kept blaming his insecurities and doubts on the fact that my divorce is not yet finalized. And would tell me that I am ashamed of him, etc so I kept blaming myself. 6. I have been clinging on to all the things he said. That I was it for him, the love of his life, hes never felt this way, etc. Made me think true love existed  8. Again, I know I dont really want him back... but I miss him terribly despite everything and am so in love with him. And so badly I want to believe he is feeling the same way... but I know he is not. He vanished like a ghost. Onto his next one... I just feel very empty.

So there you have it. But reading that article is helpful for me to see I am not the only one who has been through this. And hopefully, it does pass. Just wish I could get it to go faster. Thank you!

[HoneyB33]

Hello NYgirl33

First of all, I'm really sorry you are going through this pain right now. I know it well, and it is so so confusing. It's so horrible how these people do these things, and leave us feeling left in ruins.

Your ex sounds a bit like a narcissist. Have you read about them?

All of this is so confusing because the only reason you even get into a relationship with a person like this is because of how much THEY say they want to be with you. It's so painful. One second they love your best qualities, and the next they hate them. It's very very hard.

Hang in there <3

[NYGirl33]

Your ex sounds a bit like a narcissist. Have you read about them?

Thank you... I have a read a bit about them, but I should probably read more. I definitely think he has a combo of personality disorders now that I am on this site. Its been very helpful to say the least. I guess I am just so blindsighted on so many levels and I just truly have no idea who I was with for the last year. I have no idea who he is. Scary.  

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear NYgirl-
I'm very sorry that you're feeling this pain and have gone through the trauma of this relationship.  Not easy and very confusing.  I believe it's important for you to acknowledge your vulnerability when you met - barely separated from your husband.  Sadly that made you a good target for a person with strong BPD traits.  But it's important for you to NOT beat yourself up for trying to care for this new person.

You didn't know... .and sometimes when deep down we feel we've "failed" in one relationship (the marriage), we may double our efforts to make the next relationship work... .even if things seem "off" with our new partner.  That may be where your difficulty in moving forward lies.

You need to forgive yourself.  Keep your head where your heels are.  Please stop yourself when straining your neck to look in that rear view mirror.  Allow yourself to heal.

It's important for you to understand why you allowed yourself to continue when he exhibited harmful behaviors early on.  He did NOT destroy you.  You are so MUCH stronger than you give yourself credit for... .please know that.

And there are healthy men in this world who speak true loving words and back those words up with true loving actions.  When you heal yourself, you'll be ready to meet one of those men.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[patientandclear]

i can imagine that in all of the shock and deceit that it feels this way, but i encourage you not to invest in a narrative that will likely increase your pain.

odds are that it was all very real for him and you both, the good times and the bad. i think its more realistic (and less painful) to suggest that it was unstable (not built to last).

I think NYGirl may be responding to the deception and double life. Regardless of the ephemeral "truth" of emotions he may have felt toward her, she's right that key aspects of what he presented were untrue in important ways. The untruths encouraged her to deepen her feelings for him ("you're the only one".

I think it's important to confirm the validity of her observation that important aspects of what he was showing her WERE fake.

NYGirl, I experienced something similar. When my ex abandoned ship with me he went back to someone who it turns out was deeply in love with him and whom he had encouraged to feel that way (one of my co-workers no less). The whole story he told me was false. I can grant that he may have WANTED it to be true when he told me he "knew you were out there and I was willing to be alone until I found you." But it was by no means true, not by any definition of true.

Hang onto your reaction. With distance and knowledge of BPD you may gain understanding of why he presented this false story; but it was a false story.

[NYGirl33]

You didn't know... .and sometimes when deep down we feel we've "failed" in one relationship (the marriage), we may double our efforts to make the next relationship work... .even if things seem "off" with our new partner.  That may be where your difficulty in moving forward lies.

Gemsforeyes,

I cannot thank you enough for your uplifting and insightful words. I am definitely having a hard time right now so it is so very helpful to hear some encouragement and someone who understands. I also think you hit the nail on the head with what you said above. After my marriage failed, and I fell hard and fast into this new relationship... I went in full force, and gave it my all. Literally my all. I so desperately wanted it to be my forever. And I thought it was and thought he wanted that to. I guess that is why I am having such a hard time. Two failures in a row. Doesnt give me so much hope anymore  

[NYGirl33]

Hang onto your reaction. With distance and knowledge of BPD you may gain understanding of why he presented this false story; but it was a false story.

patientandclear-

Thank you! I am sorry for what you went through. Its sounds like awful deceit and the fact that you have to continue working around these people? That must be torture! I feel similarly because my exBPD lives around the corner from me, and his current gf that he has been on and off with for years, also lives in my town. Its mental anguish! Makes me want to move. And yes, finding out the lies and deceit and identifying with the fact that alot of what he told me was FALSE, is part of the healing process I guess. I have never been through something like this, so its definitely taking a toll on me. I am a nice, open-hearted and trusting person so feel completely taken and used.  

[allienoah]

NYgirl33 I really feel badly that you are going through this heartache right now. It hurts terribly I know!

I too feel head over heels just before I separated. I had been unhappy for awhile, but my now-bfwBPD completely swept me off my feet, and gave me the extra confidence to finally leave my ex. We have been divorced for 3 years, separated for 4. I am still with bf, but it isn't at all like it used to be.
That parade of   that lastsamurai posted could have been applied to my situation word for word.
I ignored the first time he raged at me for not calling him back/texting him back immediately. Big mistake!
I ignored that he wanted me 100% to himself, at the cost of time with my friends. I was so taken with the fact that someone wanted to be with me so much. Ugh-what a show of low self-esteem on my part!
I could go on, but I have learned, with the help of this site, that I need to stop beating myself up for that and move forward! It is such a process, but it is happening-little by little. Be kind and patient with yourself.