Dealing with Anger (venting)

[I_Am_The_Fire]

While I know much better how my UxBPDh / convert narc "thinks" and why he does what he does, it doesn't make it any easier sometimes when having to deal with him and the crap he says and does.

I've been trying to go low contact due to shared custody of the children. I've gotten pretty good lately at BIFF and gray rock when I have to communicate with him about the kids. Regardless, he will go off on narc rages for days about how it's my fault and how he's the victim and so on when he doesn't get his way or he thinks I'm attacking him. It's nothing new. He's been doing it for the last year or so.

The latest example has me feeling really angry and I'm working on dealing with it. I feel I need to vent and rant.

Not long ago, our daycare lady went on vacation. Normally we exchange the kids at daycare on Friday mornings. Since she was out of town, we had to do it ourselves. He sent me a message that he wasn't able to pick the kids up before work when it was his turn. He simply told me he didn't want to be late for work. So he "asked" (demanded) I take them to his mother's place. That would make ME late for work. Note: He could have asked to pick them up earlier to take them to his mother's place but he didn't. I requested he actually "ask" me a question instead of demanding it. He blew up and just went off on me about how I'm not cooperating. So I said "NO" I am under to obligation to take them to his mother's place and that he's behaving like a jerk. Somewhere in his ranting after that he stated that he had to be at work at a specific time due to mandatory training and that he would send his mother to pick them up that morning. If he had stated the mandatory training before, I may have considered doing it for him OR at least asking why he can't pick them up earlier. I am not HIS mother or his secretary. I don't solve his problems for him anymore and I don't jump through hoops for him.

So after all that, I asked if he was providing a car seat for the youngest child (D5). He never responded. I sent another message stating that I'll have to assume he's providing one and that I am NOT obligated to give her mine. I don't know if I'll get it back. He never responded. The morning his mother arrived, she did NOT have a car seat. Not only is that dangerous, it's against the law here. I refused to let her take the youngest. I also told her I am NOT under any obligation to give her MY car seat. So I ended up driving her to her place instead and was late for work as a result. Thanks to his passive-aggressive approach, he got his way. I shouldn't have said anything to him but I did. I congratulated him for his passive-aggressive approach to getting his way after all.

Guess what? Several weeks later he finally read my messages about the car seat. He claimed it was okay his mother didn't have a car seat because the daycare lady does it all the time - that she does not have ANY car seats for ANY of the kids! I could not gray rock that one very well. I basically told him that I did NOT know this, that I checked her credentials (she's been licensed for 20 years and she has not had any violations). Given her record, I felt it was very reasonable to assume she had car seats! It seems he knew about this for weeks and he did not bring it up as a concern for WEEKS until I said something about his mother not having a car seat! This is not okay! Not only is it illegal here, it's very dangerous! Yeah I told him all that.

So he went off on me saying it's MY fault because I chose her. I was SO tempted to remind him that I found her BUT I gave him a chance to talk to her and meet her before signing any papers (I pay 100% daycare costs). He chose to NOT ask her any questions or meet her (I have that in writing). So... instead of bringing all of that up, I verified with the daycare lady. She does have a car seat for her. !@#$%^ I responded to him that I verified she actually does have a car seat and left it at that. This is all in writing, by the way.

So now after all that, he is DEMANDING that I treat him with respect and he will supposedly treat me with respect - no personal attacks. He claims he won't bring up all the "deplorable" things I've done to him. HE'S ALREADY BROUGHT IT ALL UP IN WRITING BEFORE! THIS IS NOT NEW! I have it well documented that he has done almost nothing but constantly attack me (in writing) for everything he can think of when he doesn't get his way since the divorce over a year ago. THIS IS SO FRUSTRATING!  He and I do NOT have a common ground to communicate and I'm pretty sure that he considers everything I say to him (especially when I don't agree with him) as disrespectful and an attack.

I know his "thinking" is messed up and I know his reality is "different". It doesn't make it any easier sometimes to not feel so angry about all his stupid double standards and hypocrisy! I'm telling myself feeling angry is okay. Dealing with the anger isn't easy sometimes. I'm choosing to ignore his demands. I can't think of a good BIFF for this one. I've already stated long ago in these communications that I won't respond to anything he says that isn't respectful or about the kids. Yes, I went off on him about the car seat. Yes, I said it was irresponsible of him.  As a mother, I couldn't fathom his stupidity and couldn't let that one go. I left out the part about his stupidity.  Yes, I engaged in his drama and that pisses me off too.  Damned if I do, damned if I don't.  !@#$%^! 

[HappyChappy]

I can see why you would be angry over the car seat incident. Asking relatives to abide by the law is not unreasonable. Your husband's constant attacks on you is unreasonable but very NPD. It is good you use BIFF, but it sounds like some of the antagination is still slipping through. This is just my personal observation of your post but you, understandably, still appear very bothered by his lack of respect and constant criticism. It does sound like you many not have radically accepted that he will never change, that he will never show respect (to anyone) if he is truly NPD. I know I was convinced I had accepted things, until someone pointed out, acceptance is different to radical acceptance. Lets be honest, its a heck of a lot to accept in one life time. Could this be the case ?
 
With the anger this generates, I found walks in the country, physical sport, art and the following comedy video helps:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J6ejc0tuGpo

[I_Am_The_Fire]

Thank you. I think you are right.  Yes, some of the antagonization still slips through from time to time. I am struggling with the radical acceptance as well. Twenty years is a long time to be with someone like this. We haven't been divorced all that long either. I am still working on truly accepting he is the way he is and that he will never change. Some days are easier than others. I think this will take time and my actively reminding myself. I think the anger comes from my expectations that he'd be as concerned as me or even close to it. I have to work on letting go of those expectations. It's really really hard. I also realized that the car seat thing made me so angry because one of my biggest fears is one or both of my kids dying before me. It hits hard to home and I can't do anything about it when they aren't with me. Knowing this helped me understand and deal with my anger better.

[HappyChappy]

Hi I_Am_The_Fire.

The good news is you've realised and escaped a dysfunctional relationships. Not easy after 20 years, under the influence. Don’t underestimate the drip, drip effect their propaganda. You said he’s been off on one for a year – I expect the words he used, when he went off, were carefully chosen.

You describe your ex as a convert narc. That type are the hardest to detect.  An older relative of mine has this. So is your ex shy or awkward with other people ? Does he suffer badly from jealousy ? I ask, in that it is rare to hear about covert narks, partly because they are dysfunctional and hence hard to diagnose and identify. How long did it take you to identify this in your ex ?

[I_Am_The_Fire]

Hi HappyChappy!

Thank you! I am very happy to have escaped and now can see his behaviors for what they truly are - unhealthy.

I'm more than happy to talk about his covert narcissism. I don't see a lot of people talking about it. My trauma therapist was the first person to indicate to me that he's probably a covert narcissist. Our marriage counselor confirmed it with me when I asked her after my trauma therapist mentioned it. This was about three years ago. It was an "ah ha" moment for me. I've read several articles on it as well. Since the divorce, he seems more overt at times and much more aggressive. His verbal/emotional assaults come much more frequently now and much more harsh.

He is very awkward around people even though he's in his 50's. He comes across like an awkward 12 year old most of the time. Twenty years ago it seemed "sweet" in a way.  Now, not so much (well, not at all).  Saying he suffers badly from jealousy is an understatement with him.  Over the years he has accused me several times of cheating on him when I did not. It got so bad that he wanted a paternity test with our first child. She's 12 now. Pretty much everyone in his family has no doubt she is his child. He now claims he never said she wasn't.

Over the years he would make subtle (some not so subtle) digs at me in public and then say he was "just joking". Quite a few of those times were humiliating to me.  He's passive aggressive. He's the king of not following through with just about anything he says he will do. He's a hypocrite. He will refuse to read my messages to him about the kids yet expect me to read all of his.  He has a huge superiority complex but he doesn't always come out and say it. Lately he keeps spouting that he's "morally and ethically superior to me" which is crap because not only has he admitted to cheating but I have actual proof  he was on a dating site during our marriage. His tone and his words are very condescending to me. He projects so often it isn't funny anymore. He claims he's never lied in his life about anything. He has no problem pointing out every single "flaw" of mine but when I catch him in a blatant lie with proof, then all of a sudden I'm "being mean" to him. He would blatantly turn his back to me during discussions in counseling. He gets very smug when he thinks he's caught me at something "bad". If there isn't anything "bad" he makes something up and gaslights me, rewrites history. He tries to convince me I don't have PTSD and that I made up all the abuse I've been through in my life. He has no problem trying to inconvenience me but there's hell to pay if he is inconvenienced in any little way when it comes to the kids. He has little empathy. When we were married and I got sick or the kids got sick, his first comment would be "What? You're sick AGAIN?" followed by a dramatic sigh.  He's very sensitive. Any time I disagree with him, even when I'm as boring and respectful as I can be, he claims I'm ruining his life and being mean to him. He plays the victim when things don't go his way and accuses me of abusing him. He claims no one understands him. He only has one or two friends. He's had maybe three romantic relationships in his life.

He's like a school yard bully. When no one is looking, he will taunt you over and over again. You ignore him. He keeps taunting you repeatedly until you snap and yell at him or "push" him away. Then he yells as loud as he can pointing a finger at you that you're bullying him!  So you learn to ignore him despite the constant taunts.

I hope this isn't confusing and helps.

[HappyChappy]

He's like a school yard bully... .He keeps taunting you repeatedly until you snap and yell at him or "push" him away... .I hope this isn't confusing and helps

.

Not confusing and it does help thank you. Your husband sounds just like my brother (also a covert narcassist). As the covert N is a rare thing, it would be helpful to swap tips.

My brother hits just about every attribute you listed, but there's more. He has ridiculous levels sibling rivalry and jealousy. He will then try and sabotage the lives of those he is jealous off (this is A typical).  With me he normally tried to get me sacked or evicted from my house. But he did is so well, I had to take an employer to court before finding he was behind it all. But because he does this with a smile and pretence he is your friend, you just don't see an obvious motive, because he didn't profit from these crimes. Also when you do your brother a favour and help them out, you don't expect them to do crap like this (he used the date rape drug on me once). But the coverts take is, attack when they least expect it.

One thing that I've not seen mapped to coverts is my bro has a very sadistic streak, did your husband ? By this I mean he only smiles if someone else is in pain. He was also fascinated with torturing insects and animals as a child, even when other children his age kept telling him to stop, telling him it wasn't funny. He just didn't understand why torturing animals wasn't great fun and really funny. He did learn to hide the fact he was doing it. My parents stopped buying him pets, as the excuses for their sudden deaths became outlandish.

[I_Am_The_Fire]

I'm glad it helps. I'm open to exchanging tips as well. I'm sorry to hear those things about your brother.

My ex has a lot more unhealthy behaviors that I didn't list. Those were just the ones I remembered off the top of my head. He's my ex for many reasons.

As for having a sadistic streak, I hadn't thought about it before. I remember one time in winter when the roads were icy. This was some time ago before the divorce. Late at night we could hear what sounded like a car spinning out on ice. We looked out the window to see a truck trying to get up the hill and not getting far due to the icy road. My ex laughed, called the person an idiot, and even recorded it on his phone! I felt appalled by this and said we should try to help the poor guy. The guy (or gal) eventually made it up the hill. I'm not sure if this counts as sadistic. I'll think about it some more. I think by definition of their nature, narcissists tend to be sadistic in general. They seem to like to see others' suffer. I think my ex wants to punish me for divorcing him and I see that from him quite often.

Here is what I'm dealing with right now and I'm not even sure what to label it as, if anything, other than crazy. My ex wrote to me that his company's open enrollment for benefits is now and that he needs me to give him the kids' SSNs (he didn't need copies of their cards) and a copy of their birth certificates because he wants to add them as beneficiaries to his life insurance. Long story short, it seemed odd to me.

So I asked someone else I know who works for the same company and found out that open enrollment isn't until November and that you don't need birth certificates to add a beneficiary to life insurance. I told my ex this and he blew a gasket basically telling me I'm not cooperating and am just being difficult (he used much nastier words). I also told him that he is entitled to the kids' SSNs and birth certificates regardless because he is their father. I then told him that their SSNs are on the past year tax returns. If he needs a copy, he can get them from the IRS. I also told him he can get certified copies of their birth certificates from the states they were born in. If he really needs them for something official like that, a non-certified copy may not be good enough. Also, I am not the one and only source of this information. So he is now basically saying that if he dies, the kids won't get any money, and it'll be my fault. I'm not buying into that. It all just seems crazy to me.