Were we "helpless" or "addicted"

[marti644]

Hi Everyone,

It has been mentioned by some members in different ways that we were "helpless" or "addicted" or "ripped from your narcissistic supply" and therefore couldn't help yourself but to become attached to your exes.

I for one feel the same sentiment, at first. I was addicted to the drama and the excitement and the over the top, desperate needy sex, that in many ways was a band-aid for all the very serious and relationship ending baggage that ended our relationship. But this was my choice. I was not a victim in this. While my ex chose to do certain things, terrible things, when I look at my part of the relationship I can say that I was always considering leaving, felt I had power while she was down and out, and felt like I was the only one who could save her.

This was empowering at the time. Much of our relationship was about these unhealthy power conflicts. As I have picked up the pieces after the relationship I have realized that I chose to stick it out even though I knew inside that I was choosing the drama and excitement over a much more predictable (and what seemed "boring" at the time) relationship with someone reliable, reasonable, and more. I didn't want that for some reason (there are many reasons but I'll leave that to the side right now because that's not the point). I like a challenge, and my relationship sure was one. This addiction was a choice, not something I was trapped into. If some of you search your feelings can you see some of the same things?


Something we have all been learning on the boards is about empowering ourselves, building new boundaries, and standing up for ourselves. These things are hard won choices, with difficult lessons that we have had to achieve. I think, in my humble opinion that part of the lesson of my relationship that it was a choice, and a poor choice on my part, and a selfish choice on my part to stay. The addiction was a choice. And unlike alcohol or drugs this is a psychological addiction, which is much more of a choice then those predisposed to genetic predispositions to addiction to narcotics or alcohol.

For my journey of healing I think it is important to take ownership of all the problems in the relationship I was in, and I encourage you all to do the same.

This is part of acknowledging our feelings and beginning the process of self-inquiry onto a path to processing the nature of the whole relationship, the reality of the relationship, not the idealized fantasy which was white as roses, or the break-up fantasy which is black as tar.

Hang in there everyone

Marti

[Pretty Woman]

I can say for myself I was addicted. Every time she left she came back. Every time after threatening restraining orders, hooking up with her exes. For the month or so she'd disappear, change her number I was completely incapacitated. My entire world crashed until she'd return again.

This pattern continued until she didn't come back. It's been 2.5 years.

I don't think I ever would have left her. Today, I'm glad she left. I'm glad she hasn't called or tried to reach out. At the same time it makes me sad. I still can't get past being sad/angry. She made me out to be a villain. While I'm thriving at work a handful of people think I'm crazy (her sister works with me). This whole relationship affected me in such a profound way I'm not sure I'll ever get over it. I really am an addict. I can manage it but it doesn't go away.

[marti644]

I don't think I ever would have left her. Today, I'm glad she left. I'm glad she hasn't called or tried to reach out. At the same time it makes me sad. I really am an addict. I can manage it but it doesn't go away.

PrettyWoman,

This is such a clear and honest assessment of my situation too! We both came on this board at the same time and it makes my heart warm to see us all slowly recovering together!
I am a drama addict, been clean for six months.

My ex leaving saved me from the wreckage of my own dysfunction. Admitting we have a problem, a serious one, that cannot be projected onto someone else is key to acknowledgment and self-inquiry in the stages of detachment. By breaking up with me she saved me from myself. It takes alot for me to admit this though; I used to think I was a pretty great partner. Not so much anymore, working on making that fantasy a reality though.

I know the feeling of having people think I am crazy, God only knows what has been said, the strange looks and clear distancing from people has been a clear sign of that for me. But like you, I just move on. I know my own truth and so do you. And now we stand for our own reality don't we? Isn't it liberating (although difficult)?

Have you decided what has been useful (in the Processing stage) in the journey you are now taking to freedom?

Marti

[foggydew]

The addiction idea is very applicable, I think. For me, the emptiness after losing my husband and the lack of purpose in my life was relieved by this developing relationship - with Friend I could laugh and forget for a while, and then seeing his problems and loneliness gave me a purpose in life. To try and relieve his situation. After all, it is what I had spent most of my life doing for someone... it just became a continuation. If he wasn't around I could see no sense in life. That is still a problem.
Although I'm well on the way to recovery, more contact makes me relapse to some extent - just as if it were a physical addiction. Which it probably is to some extent - the feel good hormones ... .ah well. I was both helpless and addicted.

[marti644]

After all, it is what I had spent most of my life doing for someone... it just became a continuation. If he wasn't around I could see no sense in life. That is still a problem.

I was both helpless and addicted.

foggydew,

This "continuation" is something I struggle with as well. If I really look closely, I have been helping others at a cost for myself my whole life. Deep roots in my childhood. This relationship was just a continuation, but (but, but, but ) the dysfunctional nature of both myself and my ex lead to a spectacular explosion that highlighted my own addiction. I was helpless because I didn't realize I was addicted. Now that I know I have addiction problems I can begin to address them and become less helpless.

Have you found a similiar path? What is your purpose in life now?

Marti

[foggydew]

Ah, Marti! Nice to hear you have similar experiences... .well, sorry you have had, too.  A purpose in life? No idea. Not dying yet. Enjoying life a bit... but how? Trying to find out who this 'me' is that I have become. Being a useful member of society... as I see it and on my own terms. Hoping that I find friends to do things with, and to laugh with. Trying to support my BPD person and his now girlfriend BECAUSE I WANT HIM TO SUCCEED! He is trying very hard at the moment, and so am I. As I write this I'm realising and remembering a few things... .as you say, deep roots in childhood, and I decided I needed to have a child myself at any cost because I needed somebody to work for. I was very young when I decided this (about 10) and the child never arrived. Working for the success of other people is just as egoistic as working for yourself, too. The reward just looks different.
My relative clearheadedness is very new, and I have to work hard to keep it. Sometimes it seems like a true chemical imbalance, because I can feel the fog coming, but often I can't do much against it and my thinking changes.
How do you address your addiction problems?

[marti644]

Enjoying life a bit... but how? Trying to find out who this 'me' is that I have become. Being a useful member of society... as I see it and on my own terms.

Working for the success of other people is just as egoistic as working for yourself, too. The reward just looks different.

My relative clearheadedness is very new, and I have to work hard to keep it. Sometimes it seems like a true chemical imbalance, because I can feel the fog coming, but often I can't do much against it and my thinking changes.
How do you address your addiction problems?

foggydew,

Wow! It sounds like you are doing amazing with your self-reflection and are working hard to find "you".

I am at the same stage, and it feels weird doesn't it? To know that my thought patterns were skewed before, to know that the way I thought (idealized, pushed away, ruminated: wash, rinse, repeat) yet come up against my own (stubborn) nature is a strange sort of self-made push/pull isn't it? I feel so new, yet so old as well. I want to be useful too, I aim to start with myself first, then others (the guilt from this is a strange feeling isn't it now that we understand the cognitive issues isn't it?). Digging into the roots of my FOO have helped immensely in this respect, and my therapist has been clutch.

I feel you on the egotist thing, which links to your question about how I deal with the addiction.

I kinda view doing things for people the same way as drinking alcohol now. If someone asks me a favour or I feel the need to reach out over something that is clearly me giving something to someone else (with no potential benefit to myself), I ask myself "is it time to have a drink? Is it too early in the day? Will it ruin my plans today or tomorrow if I have this drink or a few more?" (It usually ends up being more than one)

If I don't feel like a drink, I say no, plain and simple. The alcohol will always be there, so I can have a drink later if I want. If someone tries to force me to drink, or judges me for not drinking I probably don't want to hangout with them anymore. Or maybe they are just having a bad day and we can have a drink later tomorrow, or next week even.

I am an adult now and people should respect when I want to drink or not drink.

Does that make sense? From the mind of the fogged,

Marti

[Pretty Woman]

Hi Marti,
  It's been a blessing and a curse. Having gone through this I realized most of my primary relationships were very dysfunctional. I allowed people to walk all over me to make themselves feel better/superior. I've been able to weed those people out and overall my life is much better!

I think more than anything I am ashamed. Ashamed I was that stupid. Not just with my ex but all the other people I let dictate my life. One of my ex-friends sits a row down from me at work. After our 8yr friendship ended she told my immediate co-workers my life story (this is a 54yo woman) and completely made me out to be psycho.  It hurts. It hurts that someone cannot just walk away and chalk it up to "it just wasn't working". I now apply that to my past relationship. BPD or not we did not work. I triggered her in ways that brought out the worst in her. I don't blame myself, it was a learning experience. I guess I just struggle with being slandered. I was always good to these people and unfortunately that meant nothing.

[Idsrvt2]

I think I was addicted r just confused and trying to figure out the situation and help him.
He believed he belonged alone for the rest of his life as all he was doing was hurting me and he could not tolerate that any longer.  Hurting me was anytime I had an issue with him... I couldn't send a text or I was dumped coldly ... there was no working things out. I told him what hurt me was dumping me.
It seemed like he had no control when he would dump me and later regretted it.

He admitted he thought he had a PD and I was the one that showed him he really needed help... he wanted to take a break until  he sorted out his head in therapy... .

 I Wanted to be there with him and support him... .and in the end he shredded me... RO, still delivering mail, refused to leave the route so I could heal in peace. 

I'm sure in some way he regrets the RO... as I really did accept all of him ... he's transgender ... and I'm one of the few that was supportive. 
I struggle with my decision to let the RO stick , it was a temporary one , not enough evidence for a perm one... he wanted it dropped
He claims he only dumped me as he suffers from low self esteem... .and I deserved better.
This person pretended for four years to be someone they are not... so was I helpless... maybe in a sense I'm not a psychiatrist... I didn't have the tools to help him ... I didn't know he may have BPD ... or I never would have texted him  ever.
He's gone for good... .I see his ghost walk my streets