I think my partner has BPD

[Anne100]

Hi everyone
I'm new to the group, but have come hear seeking support and advice.
My partner has been diagnosed with depression and is taking medication. However, I feel his symptoms go beyond depression. I was talking to a friend and she asked about bipolar based on what I was saying - I went away and did some research and I don't think that's the case as his moods are far more rapid to change. From there though, I found links to BPD, which I'd never heard of. The more I read, the more I think our situation fits - almost every scenario I'm coming across in the books and online rings true with what I'm experiencing. I find myself crying with relief as I read about things that I've been experiencing - I've been thinking I'm going crazy!
Unfortunately though, I'm at the stage where whilst the knowledge helps me, it doesn't help him. He refuses to seek help. He won't see a counsellor as part of his depression therapy, let alone for anything like this. I made the mistake of mentioning BPD (he caught me reading one of the books) and I got denial and anger in response. Occasionally he breaks down and says there's something wrong with him and he doesn't know what to do etc, but it never leads to a sustained effort to seek answers or get help.
I'm finding my own mental health is being impacted and we argue constantly. I don't seem to be able to say or do the right thing at almost any point during the day these days and I have yet to manage to successfully implement any of the strategies the books suggest. Even validation hits a brick wall (or I'm not doing it right - not sure which!). I'm on the verge of calling it quits on a weekly basis. We even "broke up" on Sunday but within hours he had seemingly forgotten the entire conversation and acted as if nothing had happened - by then, I'd also cried all my tears and calmed down considerably, so I let him back in... .
It's an endless cycle. Under it all, I still think he's a great guy and I love him - I don't really want to break up. But I'm running out of options when I see no end in sight as he's not willing/able to seek help.
I'm struggling to cope with the irrational conversations, the endless arguments, the distorted view of reality of what actually was said or done. We even had relationship counselling, but then spent a third of the session discussing his concern over a recent scenario - but it was something that never happened! So, I don't think relationship counselling is going to help us.
I'm looking forward to reading more posts and engaging with people in similar scenarios - I hope we can help each other in some ways (although at the moment, I'm feeling so lost that the concept of me being able to help others seems a little far off!).
Many thanks in advance,
Anne

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[Jim579]

Hi Anne,

I think just coming here will be helpful for you.  There are different sections of the message board, each covering different aspects of BPD and relationships.

I'm sorry it's been such a rough time for you.  One thing I can recommend is seeing a therapist (T) on your own.  It's helped me.  A T can listen to your descriptions of specific interactions and validate your frustration.  Mine has been helpful in understanding what "a normal conversation" might be like.  Like many here, I've spent many unhappy hours trying to rectify a small situation, only to have the talking itself make things ten times worse.  (If you haven't already, look up the terms F.O.G. and J.A.D.E., in relation to BPD.) So far, I've found the opposite to be true when talking to my T.  I find it hard to replace that 1-on-1 interaction.  Is there a clinic that offers counseling near you?

But this board will also provide solidarity and perspectives from others. Hang in there, and keep posting.

[Anne100]

Thanks Jim579.

I will go away and research the terms you mentioned. Your mention of talking about issues making it 10 times worse is just what we're struggling with too - I like to talk about issues. I like to try and have a rational discussion to understand each other's points of view and feel like we're resolving things somehow... .But that completely doesn't work with my partner. The more we talk, the more twisted things become and the worse it all gets.

I am waiting on a counsellor to get back to me with availability to get started on some sessions. I have been trying to find a more specialized therapist for myself, but there doesn't appear to be much in my area - I'm waiting to hear back from the national mental health organization to see if they have any recommendations. I'm looking forward to being able to talk to someone about this.

The other thing that's helping me is that I started a journal about a month or so ago. I try and update it daily (and sometimes more than that) - it's my attempt to keep things straight in my mind - verbatim conversations, so that I can refer back when things get distorted, things like that. And it's helping me see the complexity of what's going on. And the frequency. In that sense, it's possibly not helping my view of our relationship, and he hates seeing me write, so I have to try and do it secretly to avoid arguments, but overall, it allows me a sense of control and I feel better for "venting" when things get really bad.

[Hickory]

Anne, I'm in your shoes too.  No diagnosis, but I'm on my knees with the frustration of going round and round in circles about the same old stuff.  Or, rather whatever is currently the HUGE strain or problem in his life.  Right now we are apart and he has gone on every day about the stress of having a dog sitter in the house when he joins me on holiday.  He doesn't like my dog, has wound himself into a frenzy that the house sitter is going to either: steal everything, fall over and sue or any number of other scenarios.  We had agreed to try using a sitter (stranger through Trusted Housesitters) but now the onus is on him to meet and greet he's having a complete meltdown.  I can't cope with him.  I'm trying validation but lose my cool with his seemingly ridiculous selfish behaviour.  Then I have to remind myself that it must be BPD.  It's just so difficult,  I feel like I've had the wind kicked out of me.

[Anne100]

  I can't cope with him.  I'm trying validation but lose my cool with his seemingly ridiculous selfish behaviour.  Then I have to remind myself that it must be BPD.  It's just so difficult,  I feel like I've had the wind kicked out of me.

Hickory, I totally understand the "wind kicked out of me" feeling. I keep cycling through the "stay or go" dilemma. For me, I know my mental health and emotional stability have greatly worsened since we've been together (mostly the last couple of months), so I question the sense in staying. But that doesn't stop me loving him, wanting to help him and enjoying the "lucid moments" I still get from him.
Your story about the housesitter reminds me of one of our latest things over his birthday and his sister's.  They were going to do something together. He's always had parties etc. But he's managed to find every possible drama and potential issue to make the whole thing so unbearably complicated and confusing for everyone. Then told me "noone cares it's his birthday" - we do, but we can't do right for doing wrong given all the various issues he keeps bringing up. It's draining... .