BPD dinamics affecting kids

[snowglobe]

Hello, I need an advice from people who loved a similar experience. I've previously posted that I've been married for 16 years go undiagnosed BPD husband. We have two children together. My daily life consists of mostly taking care of his needs, or trying to save our family. It's either he wants more attention from me, or me trying to stop him from leaving. Our 14 yo daughter is in the midst of this dinamics all of her life. A year ago she accidentally walked in on us being intimate. Ever since then the though of it repulses her, she is constaly policing us, while we are together. She is insisting on keeping the door open and is constantly demanding for me to put her to bed every night. She is a bright, hardworking, smart girl, accomplished competing athlete, on the outside. At home she is becoming more and more needy, and displayes all the same symptoms I've come to know so well. She is starting to punish me with silent treatments, blows up from the smallest thing, Last night she confessed that sometimes she wants to hurt me. And when she does, she scratches herself with a pin

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

Hi dkanddyk

Welcome to the forum. I can see you're very worried about your daughter. Being a parent is just so difficult, particularly to teenagers with or without problems in the home. Privacy in family life is a challenge and I've recently had a problem with my eldest and his noisy GF when they were in bed. Tricky  conversations all round!

It's exhausting trying to cope with the behaviours of BPD and you've said you think it's affecting your children. Do you suspect your daughter has BPD or do you feel she's behaving because of the atmosphere at home?

Hugs

LP

[snowglobe]

@Lollypop, thank you for your words of encouragement, I do suspect that she is developing BPD based on my observations of her behaviour. Flying into uncontrollable rage, getting upset at slightest hint of rejection, jealousy and possessiveness, she scratched herself in order to deal with her emotions and wanting to hurt me (mom). I'm currently searching for a qualified provider to start family therapy, she is hostile to the idea. Pleading and promising not to ever do it again. But I know better, high stress situations will most certainly arise later in her life. I need to show her a way of healthy coping. I'm deeply strained as we are going through conflict phase with by uBPDh, I can only help one person at a time. Which in turn creates a toxic environment in our home, or jail as I feel it.

[Lollypop]

Hi

This sounds like a very tough situation for you. Does your husband rage?

I know what you mean about the importance of environment. My DS is quiet and internalises so it's difficult to see what he's feeling. Having a calmer environment helps show his triggers etc.

How much reading have you done about BPD?

The therapist sounds like a great idea.

LP

[snowglobe]

@Lollypop, uBPDh's rages are sudden and extremely frightening. I was begging her not to tell, misbehave, tantrum as a child so daddy wouldnt be upset. And it backfired at me, she is completely unaware of her emotions and can't process or cope with it. I fully accept my share of the responsibility for the situation that I'm now faced with. If I left and took her out of this setuation, she would have had a chance at growing up mentally healthy. All I can do now is to seek help for her and myself and hopefully heal. Most of the readings I've done is on a partner setuation, not a child. what would you recommend for me to read?

[Lollypop]

Hi

I found the Stop Walking on Eggshells very useful, have you read it?

 There's a book about children that I haven't read but comes highly recommended "borderline personality disorder in adolescents"

https://bpdfamily.com/book-reviews/borderline-personality-disorder-adolescents

LP

[JoeBPD81]

Hi there,

I wanted to send you good energy as your situation seems overwhelming. I'm in a relationship with a woman with BPD, and she brought 2 kids with her, both of them show signs of extreme emotions and inestability, we both do our best, but I have usually my hands full just with my GF, while I feel I'm not doing enough for the kids, or myself. I know the feeling about having too much in your plate.

I found the book "loving someone with BPD" useful and it talks about different relationships: partners, brothers, sons/daughters, parents... .It might be worth reading for you.

You seem to be doing your best, and it is not your responsibility to make the world right. That will only lead to wear yourself so thin that you can't help anyone. You do your best, but only in what it is in your power, and you can't demand yourself to be perfect, nobody is. So, even inside your power you are entitled to be wrong sometimes. To know the difference, to see what you can and can't do, you need some time to stop and breathe, and look, and understand, without being yourself overwhelmed by emotions (guilt, responsibility, stress, frustration... ).

I hope you get to go to therapy. Can you think about more ways to get support? How's your family or your husband's? Friends, parish... .? After so much years you must have given up in getting your husband to therapy, is that right? It would be very useful if he owned his problems, I think.

Good luck, and God bless