Subtle Recycling Attempts

[Bushes]

I'm just wondering as to some of the more subtle recycling attempts some may have encountered. Have they been repeated, or after receiving a message and then holding on to NC and not replying have they continued sporadically or does the message sent by not replying tend to get through and stop even minor contact attempts ?  I really didn't yet I suppose in many ways did expect an attempt at contact and lo and behold. The last exchange we had was a few weeks ago in which I did end up engaging and laid out some truths of previous behaviour. As I was deleting all message history , photos, I sent one message , this was the next day. 2 sentences of that in answer to her question in what ways had she ever displayed cruelty , coldness etc. I sent a message saying whenever you had just expressed how much I meant to you, shortly thereafter. All remnants had now been deleted. The response was swift something like stop bothering me it will only get you in trouble I'll call the police or some such similar. Shook my head and went on with life. Then a message 2 weeks later saying how a gift is given for her birthday in February still makes her feel better sometimes, even though she knows I don't care. I haven't replied nor do I plan to. Any time I feel I may want to I remind myself it has zero to do with me. So anyway I'm just looking for other people's experiences along the same lines I guess.

[roberto516]

The first recycle I allowed to happen was pretty intense. Granted she withheld affection but did these little bread crumb things. For example, I was staying at her house for the weekend because she wanted to see the dog again. She made it clear we were not together but then called me into the room after her shower so I could tell her whether I thought she was still attractive or not as she stood there naked (like... .what? )

After the discard from the recycle I saw a few subtle attempts. I honestly don't think they were meant to be full blown recycles but she just wanted my attention/connection. I'll give an example. When I went to New Orleans to visit a friend I was still angry with her and going through that emotional turmoil of raging and then apologizing. Out of the blue she tells me she lost her job and I say I'm sorry and if she needs any support in anyway to ask me. She says "I don't want your help." Led to us talking about another job she could get but I was also applying for that company. She asks me not to apply as she doesn't want her life to be ruined.

Next day she texts me to ask if I'm home (I did tell her I was in New Orleans). I know if I was home she would have asked me to come over for emotional support. Anyway, I told her no I'm not. She asks me to do some photoshop pictures which always made her laugh. I did a couple for her and then stopped. I didn't respond to the last request.

I don't hear from her for 2 days until I get home when she sends me a photo of an angry dog and says it is the dog we got together which I took after the breakup. I didn't answer that. I contact next day to tell her I was applying for the job and she said she already got it. Bla bla bla.

I stop hearing from her until I reach out to apologize. She connects back with me asking me for advice on her anxiety and whether or not to take the job or another one. I help her through that by making her do something for herself instead of me coming over (like she asked me to that night). Next day I tell her "See you don't need me to feel better." and I tell her "I don't want to be in a relationship and I can't be with you anymore." She asks "Well what if I change my mind one day?" Naturally, like a fool, I relented and said I would consider it. She then invited me down the shore for the next weekend which I agreed to (She even said her parents wanted me to come down).

Well next day, as I knew, she had changed her mind and was unsure what she wanted to do. That night she asks if we could hang out tomorrow. I agree. Next day she says she is too anxious and it's a bad idea. I say "it's fine. I understand." Couple days later I tell her I can't do this push-pull behavior and she replies "Okay" Well that gets me mad and I go into anger mode again which pushes her away. And that was it, just over 2 months ago now.

Sorry for the rant but I wanted to give my experience. Were those minor things like asking for photoshop pictures recycle attempts? Maybe. Or she just wanted to be on my good side as she feared I might get the job over her and she needed me to like her so she could ask me not to? Or the fear of being jobless kicked in combined with me telling her I was out of state that she wanted to make sure I was still close. It's funny. That first night in New Orleans I told her "I don't have any feelings for you anymore" A lie of course. But her response was interesting. It was "Yeah right!" I don't know. But if they were recycle attempts they were very subtle.

I think she just wanted to slowly feel me out again. Get some emotional support without the comittment again. Well, after the first recycle and then the discard, I wasn't going to go through that anymore. I think by telling her I wasn't going to be a part of this anymore I wanted to see if she said "Okay. You're right. Let's commit to this and stop the games." or "Okay. I don't want to be with you." Well it was the second response.

And you are correct. It has nothing to do with you. In hindsight, when I allowed myself to be recycled she didn't once apologize. She broke me for over 2 months. Me pouring my emotions out, crying, begging, clinically depressed as she just ignored me or kept me at a distance with phrases like "get over it already." "I don't want to marry you anymore" etc etc. Well she needed me because her depression flared up again. I came back and carried her through it like I always did. Not once was there an apology from her, an admission of wrong doing. Nothing. Because it wasn't about me. I was the easy guaranteed target to soothe her emotions. That was all. An object in its simplest terms. But that's okay. It's how she learned to cope and make it through life. Can't blame her for not knowing any better.

[Bushes]

Thanks for sharing your experiences, I know it's difficult and I really appreciate it. You know it made me think when you mentioned the lack of any apology. I did receive a few apologies a few weeks back in a couple of occasions. Without receiving one at all. What I mean is when I was I the deepest depths of emotional distress and the ignoring stage after a few days of my first attempt at NC I get a text message saying how she was sorry she had been rude on the phone the other day when she finally did pick up. Then went on to say she did have a reason and if I was interested in hearing it to call her. Then a message immediately after saying sooner rather than later. To which I replied no need to apologize for that. And then that was it I didn't call or reply. After keeping up NC for another week or two I get another text. Her saying sorry I haven't returned your things, I have been trying hard , maybe I can drop your stuff off this weekend sometime. Maybe. To which again I reply no need to apologize for that. And also just donate that stuff or whatever that's fine. Just don't ever come to where I live for any reason whatsoever. Then she starts in with fine I didn't want to see you or speak to you anyway. To which I replied fantastic we definitely agree on something then,please just lose my contact info and pretend we never knew each other. That's what I'm trying to do I suggest you do the same. Anyway point being that was most likely lost in her was that there was no need to apologize for these trivial puddles of nothings. If an apology was going to be offered how about for the way I was treated, ignored, cheated on, lied to in the most major ways I could imagine etc etc. Nope. Sorry I was rude on that ten second phone call. But I had a reason. And ultimatum. Then sorry I haven't returned your things. Which I had already told her to return or not don't care either way. It's just pathetic and sad really. From what I have picked up any of these random contacts are triggered either by an issue large or small with whatever replacement they happen to be using at the moment. Or self pity. Or simply boredom. Having nothing else to do so hey why not try messing with the ex and see if I get a reaction. That's always a great way to kill some time. In any event after a month or so of getting some distance I see how ridiculous and one sided our relationship was. I can't even call it that looking back. And call me shallow but being on the other side of the let's ignore this person thing strengthens my resolve to NC more than I care to admit. If it feels a fraction as devastating to her as it did to me perhaps it may help affect a change in behaviour and save some future ex partner of hers the experience. I'm pretty sure it won't as the BPD mind doesn't work that way. But hey if nothing else it puts more time and distance between us and allows me the opportunity to someday be in a relationship with a person that will appreciate me, respect me and even truly be able to actually love me for my actual self. Because that's what we as mature living adults deserve.

[Turkish]

After she kicked her husband out in January,  spending more time with me and the kids.  Seemed safe.  On May 30th, she asked to come back.  But that was to be with the kids,  primarily, and to return to being financially secure,  secondarily.  She moved out February of 2014. She said she had been thinking about it for months.  In short, I said no.  A week later,  she started wearing her ring again.  

A week after that,  I asked her and she said she was going to work it out.  Monday,  S7 said that he was moving back into their 1 bedroom apartment (mommy, S7, D5, H). She had moved out of their previously shared 1 bedroom apartment to get free of him.  The new one is in the same complex.  Christmas Eve,  they had both called the cops on each other for DV. It was a miracle one or both of them weren't arrested.  The cops warned them.  

My take on this is that,  given borderline traits,  she will always look for a safe landing, and what soothes her anxiety (for which she is clinically diagnosed,  not BPD). While financially tempting to bring her back,  I could pay off the house in 7 years), I remember how it was,  how it is (only minor annoyances sometimes given our co-parenting r/s), and how it was with her husband.  My boundary was clear.  

Strict NC might enable drama,  but clear boundaries can reduce it,  and boundaries are our responsibility anyway.  

Shook my head and went on with life.

This is good.  That's 100% within your power to do.  

[Bushes]

Very wise and shows character to not be a part of the mess you describe. Very empowering example. And it's so true that after having resumed my life somewhat where I left it over a year ago it is so apparent how I had neglected all of the things I used to do and enjoy for myself. Such as writing and recording music for example. I had essentially left that part that was so much of my life behind while I was with her. Who has the time in a BPD relationship for ,alters such as personal creative or artistic or any sort of personal fulfillment. Anything personal fulfilling or otherwise for that matter. It was offensive enough to my BPD ex that I had to work a 40 hour work week Monday to Friday during the day. While she slept or drank or most likely worked on her replacement roster while she stayed home all day collecting disability for some nebulous wrist injury from years prior. Funny though it never seemed to be an issue that I ever witnessed unless she was consciously trying to make it seem like it was. She seemed very able to control an Xbox controller for hours on end in any case.