Language Barrier or Distancing

[Gumiho]

As some might know already I live abroad in a foreign country and am in a r/s with an uBPD girlfriend.

I know from our idealization phase that my gf can talk vividly when she wants. She described that as "tiring", though I meanwhile speak 5 languages and don't percieve it as tiring to use them, so I guess she's often energyless and drained (self proclamation) from her emotional turmoil.

Though we usually communicate in her second language which is my mother tongue. I have (according to her) improved a lot in her mothertongue, even if I start to converse in her own tongue, she displays this behavior.

Now over the past year she has increasedly been zoning out, saying nothing at all when we're together, often not actively listening, staring holes into the air (probably being caught up in something). We spent hours like that side by side. When I ask her what she feels when she's zoned out, she says "nothing".

I don't think I have changed much in engaging in conversations, but she did, on the declining side. Now there may be different reasons for this, such as her splitting for instance... When I try to address it, she feels invalidated about doing something wrong.

Also it could be in connection to her moving to another town nearly a year ago. Barely ever being together gives her no topics to bring up herself... Just wild guessing.

So when she's spacing out, to avoid conflict, I just go quiet myself, which is often awkward to me. I feel isolated and kind of alone around her when she does that. Imagine we are able to meet for the first time in a month and she spaces out/or starts browsing boredom killing content on her cellphone all evening long. I'm like "ugh, why even meet me?" inside.

Then there are those occasions, she receives/makes a call in those phases and starts blabbering like a waterfall.

More than once, I brought that up in good times, she'd just brush it off by laughing, and if I insist on an answer she says "do I have to reply? I don't want to... do you want to give me stress?" in her pre-explosion-annoyed tone. So I keep dropping the subject for safety. (She once mentioned I am the only one she can be herself to... .another "reason" ... .though I'm not sure about that, if she can fire away like a machine gun, while being drawn back to me... or maybe I can't quite understand why)

She's been extending this to text messaging too (I classify it as passive aggressive). While I have steady "ping-pong" conversations with anybody else, we also usually had, until about a year ago, she often just reads my messages and doesn't reply all day, claiming she is "busy"... .I used to think I was too clingy to expect her to reply instantly as she used to. But recently I think it's her BPD behavior.

Any thoughts on this? Especially people in multiethnic/multilingual relationships~


Wondering
Gumiho

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[isilme]

I think it's both her BPD behavior and likely some co-dependent behavior from you. 

You want feedback from her so you can know how you are supposed to feel what she's feeling so you can know what to feel, input from her so you can know if you're safe, able to relax, if she's okay so your safe, able to relax... .

It's okay to allow her to space out and for you to find something to occupy yourself.  It's also okay for you to feel fine and for her to inwardly or outwardly be upset and boiling. 

It;s okay to be alone with someone and not talk.  Just be around each other and do different things.  This occurs after the early phases for everyone, where it's okay for the conversation to die off and you both just be happy watching TV, reading, or just in the same room/house is comforting. 

Are you more of an extrovert?  BPD seems to make people waffle between extrovert and introverted actions based on emotions, but if you are an extrovert, you probably want more energy than she in an introverted state can give.  If you leave her alone for a while, does she re-energize and snap out of it?  If you are extroverted and she is trying to recharge, you could be metaphorically sapping her energy just as she is generating it, and she needs a little while alone.  You might need to leave and come back, go for a walk/jog, run an errand (errands sometimes sneak past the fear of abandonment, it's more assumed you will be back in a predictable time).  You will get some energy from doing and seeing things, and she might recharge while alone.

Anyway, best I can figure at the moment. H is really upset himself, and I am also upset, but own that part of my upset comes from the fact he is upset.  I am super codependent and keeping myself from enmeshing is very hard. 

[Gumiho]

Hi islime,

Thanks for your reply~ ^^

You named it spot-on. I have an extrovert-, while she has an introvert personality (in general), though she can be outgoing and direct if she wants to, exactly as described, she's waffling in between...

Just hugging her recharges me (while it seems to deplete her) ... it's like food for my soul... .I'm perfectly fine with that behavior, when we're together,  because I know she is very fragile and gets stressed out enough from work already. So I "easily" shove it down if it comes up.

It becomes an ordeal when we are seperated though, because of my co-dependency I reckon. The long distance relationship causes that.

Sometimes I miss her before she left  ... idk how to handle that, other than looking for distraction when she's gone, since that's my core value, sort of.

Like today I wrote "good morning" and all she replied was "-.-" 10 hours later.

Of course I give her all space she needs. Though sometimes I feel like I am talking to a wall.

Yeah I too get grumpy when she's grumpy... .it's coming from the negative energy she's spraying. I try avoiding this sort of enmeshment by pulling up her mouth winkles and say "smile smile ^^ happy seahorse"... or crack another lame joke. Sometimes it helps her, but not me hahah


Thanks for the reality check
Gumiho