I'm lost

[Librawife007]

I've been with my husband for going on 7 years total. At first the signs were minimal. He was abused growing up by his child so I let a lot of things slip by me. These last 2-3 years have taken their toll.

My husband wants to be poly, I once shared that same concept. He choses terrible people, I believe because he thinks he can save them. Woman 1 is a transit who was using him, woman 2 was an 18 year old who got mad at him because he was never around when she wanted because he was spending time with me (I work all day and she wanted him to hang out after 11:00pm at night) woman 3 was another 18 year old who became his FP, woman 4 was a 19 whom he slept with, regardless of the fact I said no to her, long story short, her political opinions and harshness ended that relationship. I'm always the bad guy, I'm always the one who "runs" these people off. I take responsibility for two, the first and the last. The others he did on his own accord and I'm to sure of the back story.

He has been super suicidal for the past two years while dealing with these poly relationships, first threatening to cut his artery in his leg, I called the police on that one and had him placed on an M1 hold, he got out of because he is a veteran. Second time he drank himself beyond where he should have because he slept with a girl even though her boyfriend and I were not ready for that next step yet *We were dating a couple*, the final one was he took a zip tie and tightened it around his neck, making him pass out. I cut if off and cut him in the process.

He says I don't love him, he says I lie to him constantly about loving him/caring for him. He claims I abuse him because I won't let him kill himself. He says he feels isolated and abandoned and it is all my fault, I chase off anyone who gets close. We haven't had sex really since his promiscuity with the last girl he wanted to try poly with and I couldn't even trust him to pick me up from work because he was sleeping with her.

He goes through these cycles. And then he comes back around, usually a trigger is I won't sleep with him, and then he brings all the crap up again about chasing people off and my moments of indiscretion at the very beginning of our relationship (just got together and I cheated on him with my ex, but I have been 100% faithful since) he also says I'm more loyal to my boss because I won't quit even though the company hasn't given me full time and has made my life hard. He says I give other guys more loyalty than I do him and I love and care about them more... .

I'm lost... .I want to help but he refuses therapy, stating he went to therapy enough as a kid and he smarter than they are.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Frankee]

We tried that for awhile.  Had the same experience.  I was always the one to blame that the women never came back around.  I honestly wasn't really attracted to them and found it hard to keep sleeping with women I was not physically attracted too.  His standards seems lower.  He tried to get one woman in bed with us shortly after our second was born and I couldn't do it.  I wasn't drinking because I was breast feeding and I would of had to been blitzed to let this woman in my bed.  He claims in was no big deal, but he was being very grabby with her and I and was making me very uncomfortable.  Recently he got angry and told me I hope I like poly relationship because he wasn't going to settle for one woman anymore and he wanted more kids... Maybe he thought that was a scare tactic, but we had a pretty serious fight and my feelings at that point were... f.u. and I do not give a ___ because I refuse to have anymore kids with a man that treats me like garbage majority of the time and as long as I could stay with my kids and he left me alone, I didn't care.  So we are not on great terms.  I also made a list recently.  Of all the negative feelings I had.  In general life.  In that list I also wrote down how bad he has made me feel and the horrible things he has said.  He saw it.  Instead of coming to me in a manner of acceptance of his behavior, he used it against me and flipped to where I was the reason he has been so horrible and how I called him a monster.  I tried to plead with him that he was not suppose to see it and it was for my eyes only as part of a self help process I was doing.  Then next day... he was the monster I named him on paper.  I can't express my true feelings though.  If I dare, he always turns it against me and puts all the blame on me for his behavior.  I'm so tired of the dog chasing tail syndrome, so I stopped telling him my feelings.

He also says I lie constantly as well.  His go to thing is that I either do things to purposely f*** with him, looking to get a rise so then I can play victim, or something like I choose to be a bad person.  It's taking a toll on me.  It's getting to the point where I don't even want to have conversations with him anymore for fear that something may be taken out of context and he might say I'm weaving a web of lies.  My SO has also had a very abusive turbulent past with an abandoned mother and raised my abusive alcoholic father.  So I understand some thing.  But now he is turning me into the enemy and refuses to see all the love, patience, and understanding I have shown him.  I'm starting to feel like I'm fighting a losing battle and one day, he might really kick me out.

[Librawife007]

Its getting harder and harder to not show how much it hurts.

He says that I should just let him die, that keeping him alive is torture enough.

He asks me constantly I am and still with him. I always reply "because I want to be here, because I love you and care about you" and he then accuses me of lying, because if I wasn't I would let him die.

He tells me I have ruined his goals of ever having children because I won't "get over myself" when it comes to poly and the only time I will accept it is if I have a boyfriend too... .which isn't the case, I have not like any woman he has suggested. we tried one woman I picked out and after getting to know her she was pretty disgusting, my bad on that part... .

he has some weird fetishes too, which he tries to get me to perform or talk dirty about and I never can, so I get into trouble for that because I "cant even pretend, its just talk"... .we are into bdsm which is probably a VERY bad idea, but I am a sub, but I can never submit enough... .

I wish I knew what flipped the switch... .He used to be an amazing, caring, happy guy... .then pretty much 3 years ago that began to change... .Its like I really don't even know him anymore... .

[Meili]

Hey, Librawife007,

Let me welcome you here to the bpdfamily, and wish for you as much help and support as I have received. This is a community where we help each other, so I'm sure if you keep posting and reading you will find it helpful.

Mostly we are here because someone in our lives has behaviors that are characteristic of BPD. They haven't all been diagnosed with BPD, but it's the behaviors, and how we deal with them, that are important.

In your posts, you have told us quite about about your situation and what your husband wants. Please tell us more, when you feel comfortable doing so, about you and your feelings and let us know what kind of help and support you hope to get here. 

What do you think is the right direction for you, and the best kind of help you hope to get here? There is a lot of information here - articles, workshops, etc. - and we'll help you find what you need.

We are glad you are here with us and look forward to reading your story on the other boards.