I'm glad I posted, because I find the responses I got to be really helpful. I am going to respond quite a bit here as an exercise in exploring what's going on more. Thank you for your responses.
there's a lot of self judgment in your reflections. When you say you know it's wrong to say, what do you mean? I'm not sure I buy that you aren't entitled to the feelings a relationship generated just because it didn't last very long.
Looking back, I see you are right about the self judgement. I guess my T has been emphatic that I was not in love because love takes time to be, but it's definitely true that these are the feelings I had/have. I appreciate you saying what you did.
What feelings with your BPD ex made you feel connected, that you can't seem to replicate with anyone else?
We just seemed on the same page and so similar. This could be seen as mirroring, but since we work together, I got to sort of just observe her, how she interacts with others, so I think there is more to the story here.
Then there is the physical aspect, and touching, holding, the desire to be close (initially at least). At first she seemed really into communicating and working through differences, in a way that other people I had dated were not so into. She was just really cute and made me laugh a lot. I don't know what it was otherwise. I just liked her so much.
something painful from the past is most likely also at play here. 8 weeks typically doesn't drive 9 months or suffering. Do you know what it is?
I'm not sure. I think it is so rare that I feel connected to another person in the way that I desire to be, the way I felt with my pwBPD. I'm stuck trying to figure out what there isn't resolution to the way I want it... .wanting to understand if I lost what I think I did, or if I had what I thought I had. The lessons, and the way things stand, indicate that we did not have the special connection I thought.
The feedback I receive would indicate it has to do with my early childhood. To be sure, I never felt close to my parents the way I wanted. I never felt like I had solid ground to stand on at home. I was a sensitive child, and my anxieties often annoyed or angered my mom, so I felt scared to share my fears and felt very alone with them.
I've never had a strong sense of myself, and the feedback I got from my ex about myself spoke to my deepest fears in relationships, that I am needy, that my emotions are out of control, that I invent things that aren't there in my mind or assume the worst. I can't reintegrate myself as a decent man, I can't settle on a balanced truth of what happened, and she is not going to take ownership of how some of her behavior may have hurt me. I feel a tenderness because I understand she is not malicious--she is mentally ill and suffering. Her hurtful feedback seems to have some basis in reality. Here was a woman who finally got me, finally someone who was interested in me, but there was a cruel twist in store, and it cost me my already fragile identity. I'm stuck because I can't put myself back together, feel attractive/lovable, or feel confident I am a decent man.
This may sound trite, but do you think you are fighting to win right now, for fighting to survive? Fighting to win would be to accept that the relationship is over, and building yourself up to start another. Fighting to survive, is a wounded animal, trying not to be consumed by their pain.
At some point in everyone recovery, I think there is that moment when they say, I'm not going to be wounded anymore. I've endured enough, I'm done with being wounded. No one cares but me. When I stop caring about the emotional wound, it is over.
Seems brutal, but it is CBT at its roots.
I am definitely just fighting to survive, and can appreciate the difference here. As for the rest of what you wrote here, it doesn't seem brutal, but getting to the point of what could help me, so I appreciate this. I will take this on as an affirmation, so I thank you. It is quite a kindness to oneself to say "I've endured enough".
Do you think that you have ever felt this way before (longing to be close and holding onto that), and if so, would you be able to identify the first time in your life that was? You don't necessarily need to share that with us, however it may provide a clue for yourself as to where this feeling stems from.
That's a good question. Well, yes, I have felt this way in romantic relationships many times before (though not quite this strongly for the most part). But the first time I'm sure would be with my mom. I felt a need to be close to her, and was very worried about her being sad, and often she was annoyed how clingy I was.
Thank you for sharing this video--I am going to watch this tonight. I love guided meditation and it's really kind of you to share!
I see that you say this is your feeling. But it is not your feeling. This is your thought. As long as someone stays rooted to a thought and events around thoughts they will continue to gain momentum until we successfully distract ourself enough until time helps it become more suppressed/numbed.
I appreciate you pointing this out, and you are right. The feeling would be loneliness or anxiety. It's a helpful reminded about distracting and also as you write later about sitting with unpleasant feelings. I appreciate you treading carefully, but I find what you write here pretty validating.
"I accept this and I do not have to react to this the same way I did because I'm not a hurt child anymore."
Wow, this is great. It's really simple and direct, and it identifies the feeling as being someone old and no longer needed as an adult. Along with what Skip shared, I am going to use this as a new affirmation.
Thank you all for your really useful input!
