I dont know how I let it get this bad

[cc2203]

This is my first post, so I apologize in advance if its not very well organized... Also I'm very detail oriented so be prepared to probably get a little more info than you bargained for. This story is long, as its about 18 Months worth of our lives and will probably be broken into different replies. I'm extremely scared doing this. I'm terrified that my worst nightmare is coming true. All of my friends and family tell me I need to let go and move on, as this is just not good for me, and that he isn't worth this and blah blah blah. I've been seeing a therapist and she is saying some of the same things. But I don't want to hear those things anymore... but I know they're true.

A little about us at the time we met:
We were both 20 Years old. I worked as a Flight Attendant, and he was unemployed. I lived in a Crash Pad (A multi person dwelling designed for the heavy in and out traffic of crew members. So basically picture a building made up of rooms with two sets of Bunk beds all occupied by various airline employees). He lived with his parents, and young brother and sister. His young brother, 10, has sever mental health issues very similar to BPD, but when things don't go his way, he kicks and screams and breaks things hurts people, and wont stop. He is clinically diagnosed with something, but I'm not sure what. (These two younger siblings are adopted from another family member. There is no direct blood line between them and my fiance. He also didn't have a Social Security card, (lost) a Drivers License, or a Birth Certificate (lost) at the time we met. This made it very challenging for him to find employment. But honestly he didn't want to find a job, because he had everything paid for by mom and dad.
His father has just recently battled against cancer, and overcame the battle. Prior to the cancer he was physically abusive to all the kids in the family, post cancer he is a totally different person, very nice and kind now. We will talk about his mother below.

Shortly before we met (November 2015)
My Fiance, E, was living with mom and dad but got caught with some marijuana by his mother. His mother told him to not be doing that stuff in her house or she would kick him out (He is 19 at this time). If youve ever been with someone that shows traits of addiction, you know threats usually don't matter. So of course, he kept on smoking. The next time he got caught, his mother followed through with her threat and told him he had to leave. Him having no where to go he was sent to a Sober House for people struggling with various addictions.  E made some close friends during his time there, one G is vital to this story. After the "treatment" was done, E had met a new boy also online named C. C was into drugs, IE Meth, Pills, and Weed also. E then met a friend of C, N. N was a 50 ish Year old gay man who owned a house that he would let these boys stay at if they provided him with sex. Evan didn't want to have sex with him, so he would allow N to use E's pictures to lure other boys into having a three-sum with them two. E would drive a go pick the boy up, bring them to Neil's house, then once they got there E would suddenly get sick, and not be able to participate. (Thus N got to have sex with hot guys that wanted to have sex with E). E was using Meth 2 to 3 times a day through early January. Something happened to N that caused him to basically sleep for 2 days. A person came to the house looking for N, and E told him that he wasn't home. He held a gun to E's head, and put a bullet in his teeth and said he was sending a message to N. Something about money... I'm not sure, E doesn't like to talk about it. C and E broke up, as E caught Clint, as every other boyfriend he has ever had, cheating on him... E cleaned his act up and moved back into his moms house in mid to late January. His car broke down, and he no longer had a job so he needed his mom for everything. He still had a lot of the connections to the drugs but he was only smoking weed now and would never pay for it. He always conned or tricked one of his friends C to buy/ provide the weed. He also used C for his truck often. He even stole it from him once... But C had some feelings for E so he didn't mind any mistreatment E did to him. and E took advantage of that.

It all happened so fast,... .but we liked it.
-We started talking on Grindr (a gay hook up app) mid February. We messaged back and forth for a few weeks, me always asking to hang out and him blowing me off for this or that reason. Eventually I guess I bugged him enough to agree to hang out. We spend the day Relaxing at my crash pad because none of my roommates were home that day. Then we decided to go to a movie. We had a really good time, then I took him back to his mom and that was our first date. I left town for another trip, then I asked to hang out again, he agreed and we spent hours laying in my bed talking and laughing. I was memorized by him. I couldn't get enough of him. He was attractive, funny, flirty, sweet. I was really starting to like him a lot. He gave me this rush of almost knowing he was a bad boy, because of the clothes he wore, the way he spoke, and his favorite hobby, smoking weed. We weren't dating yet, so I didn't say anything to contest the weed. After I returned from a trip, I asked him to be my boyfriend and he agreed this was on March 17th.
- A few days later I asked him to come with me or a short trip from Houston to Dallas to meet one of my good friends, and this would allow us to spend some time together. He agreed and was super excited. Packed a bag and off we were. During the ride to Dallas, I told him of the government regulations affecting my job, and how there is a Zero Tolerance policy in effect of all substance use. The entire ride up to Dallas we talked about it. He told me he wasn't going to let that ruin our relationship. He believed in us and thought we were stronger than that and agreed to stop smoking weed. This meant a lot to me because of my baggage and background I came from. I was taught to hate all drugs. MY family abused every drug under the sun. It made me, from a young age, decide never to allow those drugs to hurt me again. We had a really good time the rest of that trip, until the last day. We were getting breakfast and his friend C told E he had feelings for him. I was there to see the text from him and of course I didn't like what I was seeing so I asked E what he was going to do about it. Evan decided that C needed to go, and just like that he got rid of him (or so he told me). We went back on our drive home and kinda argued about weed a little and C because I felt bad but I also felt threatened by him and I wanted him gone too. {Looking back this was a terrible decision} When we got back to Houston I dropped him off gave him a kiss then went back to the crash pad.
-When I got to the crash pad I found out that one of my room mates had lied to me about something. One thing I CAN NOT STAND is dishonesty. It made me so upset that I didn't want to live there any longer. I knew I wanted an apartment but now I was sure, and had to get one ASAP. But in the mean time, I stayed there and kept to myself. E and I would talk on the phone for hours. We would Face Time for hours also. I could always hear how bad his mother treated him, and it hurt me so much to let him stay there. The time came for me to leave the crash pad, but I hadnt gotten an apartment squared away just yet, so I was living in my car for a few (3 days). Once E's parents would leave, he would have me over and take a shower, then wed have sex and just enjoy each other until I had to go to work. Gone for three or four days then back again.
-April 1st came and it was time to move into my new apartment. I moved in, with what little I had and of course he helped. I obviously wanted to help get him away from his mom, and he wanted out also. He stayed with me for a while, about two weeks or so before he decided to move in. Everything was going so great between us, he was working of getting one of his old jobs back, so he could makes some money to help pay rent, and I would let him use the car when he needed it (even though he still didn't have a license) and as far as I knew the weed was gone. It was great. We both seemed so happy! We fell in love with each other, over and over again every time we looked into each others eyes.

Then... .the first lie.
-Evan was starting to resent me taking away his weed. So we made an agreement that he would only smoke on special occasions, as long as we talked about it. The very next night after that discussion while I was away, he told me he was going to smoke with his friend from the Sober house, G. I told him okay, but I didn't see it as a special occasion so I wasn't very happy about it. When he was with his friend, I was sitting alone in a hotel room freaking out, worrying about him. My anxiety was out of control. That turned into a fight. The next day we made up and went on with our lives.  Then a few days later, on my next trip, he told me he was very tired and in bed. I called him to say goodnight, but I could hear the dinging of a car seat belt alarm. I questioned him about it and he told me over and over again that he was in bed and I was hearing things. Eventually after I begged him to stop lying he did. He admitted he was out with C and they had been smoking. E was driving C's truck supposedly because C was tried.  This hurt me severely. The one person who im supposed to trust with everything was lying to me. A few days went on and I got over it and decided to give him another chance.

About a month or two later... we got engaged. We were overwhelmed with love and both thought it was a good idea. It was a safety blanket for me I think. I told my self "if we get married, he cant just leave me." Looking back I think I may have tried to trap him.

Things worsened
I being a flight attendant, I was always in and out. I was gone for days at a time. This gave E so much freedom because he knew I wouldn't be able to know if he was actually doing what he says, or where he said he was. A similar instance, much like the event with C, but this time with a girl from work. After that I knew things weren't going to get better, but I still stayed there, and gave him another chance. He would try to make up for it by writing me the sweetest letters, and sending lovely messages ect ect... he would make cookies and buy me flowers, lay clothes out for me to change into after I got home from work, and have rose pedals on the ground. He would actually try for a few short periods of time. Fast Forward about 5 months. Close to November 2016 He had a new employee named S that he worked with. S smoked weed. E liked weed. E would use his tip money to buy weed from S and think I never noticed. I'm sure I didn't catch it every time but I did often. And the same cycle happened. We'd fight. He'd apologize a lot and try to make up for it, promising he would never do it again, just to turn around a week or so later and do it again. We tried to fight through the bad stuff and make it to those good moments.

The lack of trust was just growing. There was almost no communication between us anymore, and things were starting to deteriorate. One trip, I decided to come home in the middle of it, and surprise Evan. This was the point of no return for our relationship. I walked in on him smoking weed inside our apartment. I was so upset. Screaming and yelling. I couldn't control myself. I was devastated. I felt betrayed. I felt like he did this on purpose to hurt me. I never went back to flying after that... .I quit my job because I couldn't be gone again and give him the chance to do that to me again.

OF COURSE... .I didn't leave him or make him leave for the night. A lot of tears and talking and empty promises that this would never happen again allowed things to get better. for a short period of time. Fast forward a little bit to Christmas 2016. Little things would start to make Evan really upset. Something as small as me not laughing at one of his jokes could cause him to start to have a full tantrum. He would start kicking and screaming. He'd start to punch the walls, doors, and himself. He'd try to choke himself out, and threaten hurting him self. It would get so bad that I would have to bear hug him, and hold him still until he stopped and broke down. He would cry and cry. call himself crazy. Beg for my help and apologize over and over again. Then the next day or after an hour or two it would be like that never happened. These "Episodes" continue to this day. Almost a year later.

I eventually realized how wrong it was of me to try and take weed away from him, but I knew I couldn't give it all back to him in the excessive amount he desired to use it at. I asked him for patients and we agreed twice a month he could smoke weed. But I wanted to be involved in the purchasing and acquiring process. So I could control it. He was so happy that I was willing to even make this change. But of course that wasn't enough weed for him. Over time he would get weed from co-workers and hid it from me.  This caused so many fights, and break ups because he couldn't handle me controlling him so much ect ect... So more recently Started in June of 2017 We wayyyy upped the amount to twice a month we would buy 6 grams. ($60). He said that was enough to last him two weeks. In July we started a budget so I asked him how much he really needed, and he said that this was plenty. But he was still going behind my back and getting more at work. This led to the most recent string of fights. I also found out he has been having friends from work over, while I'm at work and hiding it from me. Something like this shouldn't be a issue at all. But he is afraid of my reactions to these things because of how I used to react. I don't know how to get him to let me show him that I've changed for him.

He recently started Stealing from work because of an incident where a customer assaulted him because of his sexuality and the company did nothing about it but write him up. E feels he should be able to steal, to get some sort of payback. I tried so hard to stop him and most recently on Sunday it was about $300-350 worth of clothing he wanted for his upcoming trip to Los Angles with his family. I was very upset with him for this. Doing a small drug is one thing, but stealing is totally different. I tried to explain that to him. This of course just fueled the fire of resentment he had for me. The next night, Monday, we got into an argument over him packing his bag for his trip. He was flying Spirit and they are very strict about Cary On Bag sizes. I wanted to make sure he wouldn't run into any issues. Me trying to help him only made him angry. That caused a fight. The night before he would be gone for 7 days. Since I stopped flying, I became WAYYYY to Co-dependent of him for my everything.  I wanted the fight to just stop. So I begged and begged him and he sat down and we made a Safety plan for when things get bad like this. When tantrums start. We made one for him and one for me. Then we made rules about it and we went to be happy. Early the next morning, Tuesday, at about 4:30 am my Alarm went off and as I started to get out of bed, he rolled over and held me. He asked me to stay for a little. I said okay, and we cuddled. I held him in my arms. 15 min later alarm went off again, Same thing happened. He asked me to stay a little longer. I did. Eventually I had to get up and so on. We went to work with no event. He went home and got ready to leave. Around 2pm he came to the airport (where I work now, also where he is flying out of) And I met him and walked him to his gate. Small bickering occurred because just before he left, he was doing dishes and took off his engagement ring. He called me in a panic and was looking for it. Couldn't find it and time was running out and he had to leave. I was upset because I didn't want him in LA for a week, with no ring on his finger. This was me letting my insecurities get the best of me. But When he did go down onto the plane I was with him every second until he left.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[cc2203]

Day1:
Tuesday evening - TERRIBLE. Only word I have to describe how I felt. I was lost. I was sick, I couldn't sit still, I couldn't stand the silence inside the house. I was blowing his phone up needing him to support and love me because I was lost. All this did was make him feel bad, and that turned into anger. He told me he hated talking to me because all I did was make him feel bad about leaving. Eventually I calmed down and he did too. I apologized and we tried to go on with our temporary separate lives.

Day2:
Wednesday. I worked a double at work, so I couldn't bother him as much. And I did really good. We didnt talk to much but a little here and there when he had time. He called late at night (because of the time difference) and we talked for about 20 min and we were fine, i apologized for everything and being to overbearing. He said he just needed some space tomorrow and to let him come to me. I agreed and said I love you and good night. We left on a good note.

Day3:
Thursday. I was off and was going to be watching his little brother and sister. Unknown to me Wednesday evening his little brother had an episode at the neighbors house. (The neighbors were watching the kids the entire week except for the two days I was supposed to have them) The neighbor had called his mom, but she said nothing to me. And of course the kids said nothing to be also. So we get all excited about our weekend plans of the Zoo and Pool, and Bowling. We get on the road to my house and they fall asleep in the back seat. His mother called me, and told me I needed to take him to the hospital and have him admitted until their mother came home next Tuesday. I was terrified. I see so much of D. (little bro) in E. Their tantrums or episodes are so similar. I felt like I was being asked to lock up E. I was overwhelmed with emotions about this because E. always made me promise never to do that to him. I promised I would never let anyone take him away from me like this. No matter what. And that's exactly what I felt I was doing. D. was screaming and crying, begging not to go back in there. This admission process took three hours. He begged and begged to me not to go. He thought I was the one behind this. Even tho I had his mom call and explain to him, D. blamed me. Understandably so. When I was felling all of these terrible feelings, I didn't know who to run to except E. He was the only person who knew the situation and could relate to me. So I ran to him. BAD IDEA. Only because - he has just told me the night before he needed some space. I should have listened and gone to another support person. I felt angry at me again for still needing him and he told me to leave him alone after he helped calm me down.

After the admission process was all completed I went back outside and called E. again, begging him for forgiveness and pleating with him that I'm gonna show him i wouldn't ruin this vacation for him. I told him I wasn't going to bring us up again, and I wouldn't make him feel bad again. I honestly didn't know me telling him I missed him was making him feel bad. That wasn't at all my intention. I just wanted him to say "I miss you too baby and I cant wait to be home soon" or something. But anyways- He said that I always make this promise and it was bull shi** and things like that. But I convinced him to give me another chance. He agreed and I did realllly good! I let him come to me, I didn't bother him, or bring us up at all. We still said I love you and everything like that because we were still together.

Later that night around 10:30pm his time (12:30 am my time) he called for the night. He told me he was going to go buy a pack of cigarettes because he was really stressed out. I said Oh, okay baby. Well you do what you need to, with a supportive tone. (Here is why this matters: He had promised me that he wasn't going to smoke on this trip because he is trying to slow down then quit. Normally he would just smoke and not tell me/ lie about it. But this time he told me! I was SOO Excited that he told me). He gets to the store, still on the phone with me, and finds out in Cali now you have to be 21 to buy them. Neither of us knew that. This made him very upset because he uses smoking to help with his stress. As he started walking back, he started to cry and said "This is all so hard". I immediately began to support and evaluate what he was talking about so I could start to actually help him in any way I could. He said "I've felt like there was a knife in my chest and stomach all day" I questioned why, he responded that he was trying to make this decision.
There was a brief pause and along with a lot of very tough tears he belted out "I'm not coming home... .I don't want to come home to you" "I'm gonna stay here in LA". I was kinda shocked. I didn't know how to respond. The first thing I said was "Baby what are you talking about?"
        He said "I don't want to live like this. I'm so tired of being not happy and hating myself because you cant get over yourself"
         I responded and asked what about your job? he said Ill just quit and get one down here. I asked him what about our apartment that we have (both signed the lease, and I cant afford it alone. Plus all the furniture is his, and our two dogs are his)
        He said "I don't want anything, you can keep it all. I'm so sorry."
        I said "Baby stop, please we cant do this. We've been engaged for a year and a half. You can't just walk out on me and never come home. You need to come home and sort everything out"
      "No C., I cant do that, If I come home I know I'm gonna get trapped back into this like always."
      "Baby Im not asking you to come be trapped, I'm asking you to come sort out your responsibilities.  You can go back the next day. We can get you a plane ticket back. Please! Just come give me a proper goodbye before you just disappear out of my life." Eventually he came around and agreed to come home Tuesday and he said he would say goodbye.

Shortly after we both calmed down a little, we started talking like nothing just happens. We had one of the BEST conversations we've had in 8-10 months. It was an amazing feeling of security. I then thought that he would come home, and he would get back together with me again like always, and that he just needed some space right now, but those feelings for me are still there. At the end of the conversation I asked him If we were okay, he responded "Yes". I said "Are we still together?" there was an awkward pause... " I thought you knew the answer to that baby" was his response. I then said "oh... okay. Well Im sorry for upsetting you again, I just was thinking something different". Then we went to sleep. Said I love you, Blew eachother a kiss and said goodnight.

Day 4:
Friday- Woke up and didnt text him at all. His little sister was with me, and we decided to go to the zoo. Just before we left for the Zoo, he texted me:
"Good Morning:)"(10:30)
"My dad is taking me to get cigs" (10:32)
     "Okay baby! Can we call you real quick? Little Sis wants to talk to you"(10:33)
     "Ohh! And Good Morning!  "(10:48)
*I received no response or call* - We had arrived at the Zoo. E. Loves Fish, so I wanted to show im some of the fish and snakes we saw via snapchat.,
    "Hey! I only sent you the fish (: I wont blow up your snap anymore.  dont let our streak go(:" (11:47)
"Okay " (11:59)
    "We're trying to find the blue snake!" (12:00)
"What?"(12:00)
    "Remember when we went to the zoo in San Diego they had that blue snake you really liked?" (12:01)
    "They dont have it" (12:01)
    "We're leavin the zoo baby. Hows the drive?(:" (1:09)
"Its ok im sleepy " (1:22)
    "Awww take a nap!"(1:22)
     "Holly cow. We just got in the car and started gagging becuase its so hot" (1:28)
" really?"(1:52)
     "Yeah wow it was so bad. How are you? (1:52)
     "Made it home  "(2:23)
"We made it!"(3:06)
    "Awesome! To the beach or to the ship?" (3:07)
"The ship "(3:17)
    "Ok Sweet! Please send me lots of pics! You know I love that stuff!"(3:22)
*At this point he had been snap chatting me

    "Were at the pool sorry for my terribly late response on snapchat, I have really bad service down here" (4:19)
    "shower brb" (4:49)
    "Out - Headed to take Little Sis back"(5:14)
    "Made it down here!"(6:06)

He called me to ask to get a sweater at the gift shop at the ship museum. I said of course baby! (: He told me the price ($89) and I said" Holly cow! Okay, as long as you share its okay(:" He then got very upset and said never mind... .Ill let you go. I tried to convict him to get it but he wouldn't. He then texted me some more:

"We're about to leave" (7:19)
    "Okay!" (7:20)
"Im sorry i got mad i just feel like you arent taking me seriously" (7:37)
    "Its gonna be okay. I understand what you're saying. I understand it now okay? I'm gonna give you the space you're saying you need. Okay? (7:42)
At this point, I went to his work to speak to one of his friends that I know he talks to about us, I went to her for advice. She gave me the advice to just be supportive and let him own the situation right now. When hes ready to come back, he will. Let him be angry for this moment.
"I'm serious about this C. and i know you think that im gonna come back and every is gonna be okay but it wont" (7:53)
    "Ok" (7:59) - I didnt know what else to say to that.
"Headed home" (9:47)
   "Okay! (:" (9:53)
    "Are we taling tonight or no?" (9:53)
"Yeah Ill call when I get back"  (9:58)
"Its about 3 hour drive" (9:58)
    "Okay baby, Ill be up, Ive been Super Cleaning (:" (10:04)
At this time, Im still with his friends. I came up with the idea to envite them all over on Tuesday when he gets home for a special gathering and I even just bought him a new bong, grinder and some weed for when he gets home.
"Okay " (10:04)
     "(: " (10:05)
He then sent me a really sad face at 10:08
    "Whats wrong? (:" (10:08)
"'Im just sad" (10:18)
    "I'm sorry :/ I wish i could help. But if I don't know whats wrong I cant render any help baby. Try to think happy thoughts!" (10:33)
"Im trying"
   "I know. Can you tell me whats upsetting you?"
"Im just sad about us really"
   "Sad because things got bad again, or sad because we broke up?"
"Im upset cause ... idk its just alot i guess. im just worried about you"
   "idk what to say baby :/ because im trying to show you that im okay just being your friend right now. Im trying to give you the space you so desperately want... and need! I believe that you need time to find yourself fight now. Once you've done that then you come home and we can talk about it.  Lay everything out on the table. There's a lot you wont put down, and we need to put it ALL out there. So we can move forward , or move on with , or without each other. But you cant do that until you have had time to decide who you want to be and who you want in your life. I want to say so much more but i cant, because i don't want to sway you one way or another."
"I understand i'm just in a rut right now"
     "I understand honey. I was in one too. Right before and shortly after you left. I was in that rut. Taking D. to the hospital, and causing that fight is what woke me up, made me look up and see I want on the track i needed to be on anymore and i immediately snapped back onto there. I think you should close your eyes and take a nap on the way back, and we can talk about this tonight on the phone, or we can try to not think about it an enjoy the rest of your vacation and talk about it when you come home. (even if its just for a day)."
"Okay. Ill call you when i get home"
    "Okay. I like that idea. You gonna go to sleep?"
"Im trying but my mom love to hit the breaks"
    "haha!  Oh lord! Who let her drive?"
"my sis is tired"
At this point I had finalized all the plans for the party on Tuesday. I didnt know his mom was driving and I had just sent her a text "Hey- Are you in a position for you and I to text about next Tuesday?" (She didnt respond, now I know its because she was driving)
    "ahhh I see. Well please wear your seat belt!"
"I am!"
    "Sweet Dreams!"(11:46)
   "Imma go to sleep baby its getting late, call twice if i dont answer the ringer should wake me up"(11:53)
"Im not up to talk on the phone  why are you texting my mother? " (1:18)
"She left her phone out here when she took a shower" (1:18)
I didnt see these messages until two hours later. I tried to call him twice and got no answer.  so I sent him this message:
    "E.?"(3:13)
    "If you can give me a call when you wake up id be more than happy to explain baby. Im sorry we didnt talk tonight as planned but im glad you're getting some rest. Sweet dreams E. I love you" (3:18)


Since then I haven't heard from him. I work a double again today and tomorrow, then ill only have Monday evening off. I packed my schedule to keep me busy So I dont bother him anymore. I only wanted to tell his mom about our party plans so that she could help me get him to the apartment. Then he would walk in and SUPRISEEEEE. But I feel like he things im going to her for something different and that is what made him not want to talk to me lastnight. I wish I would have stayed awake so I could have corrected that when it happened. Im still waiting for him to wake up. Im nervous. I dont want to lie to him, but I dont want to spoil any of the plans either. I just want to hear his voice. I miss him so much. Writing all of this has been so hard. Reliving the events just makes it that much harder. I want to call him and text him, But I know I cant do that. I know I have to let him come to me when he's ready.

Please Help. I need help. I want to make our relationship work. He still Loves me. I know he does. And deep down, I know he doesnt want to leave, or he wouldnt have came to me lastnight when he was feeling sad.