Silent Treatment or Discard?

[PurpleGh0st]

My situation is a bit ridiculous and possibly minor compared to what others are going through. I began talking to a man online almost year and a half ago and we got deeply involved. We got into a relationship without meeting about 5 months into our interaction because the connection was so intense that we didn't want to be with anyone else. We couldn't meet at the time because we live in different countries, which was why the relationship was started so early.

Here comes the tricky part. He told me he loved me before talking on the phone, through words and seeing my pictures. I thought this was strange but I began to feel the same way after talking to him on the phone. We just clicked. We spent hours talking to each other over the phone and messaging each other, sending pictures and videos.

He spoke of the following things: moving to my country until I finished my degree in the near future (I'm a mature student - we're both in our late 20s), finding a job in my country, me meeting his family (he sent me photographs of family members and told me he couldn't wait until I got to meet them and even that I'd be a part of it), him getting time off work to come and see me for a week or two in my country this year, dreams of buying a house, having children and he even discussed names... .Literally everything you can think of that makes a couple happy. I couldn't believe the connection we had, I felt it was absolutely amazing given we hadn't even met yet.

I was aware he suffered from mental health problems from the first day (major depression and anxiety) and he was medicated (according to him). He shared with me suddenly in May this year that he had been skipping his medication. I told him not to and to see a doctor but things seemed to get messier and messier. We argued over the phone - he wouldn't let me discuss just any topic, there were some off limits such as asking when he'd come to meet me and anything relationship-related. He disclosed around the same time through messages that he was feeling suicidal and then began to cut contact with me. Every time I'd ask him what was up he'd act like it wasn't a problem that he was no longer making contact with me every day. This dynamic carried on, along with him never answering calls/not calling me back when he said he would. I caught him in a few lies, claiming he was in the hospital, or taking his mother to the hospital when there was evidence of his activity online (gaming profiles), and there were constant health problems being brought up as excuses for not talking to me.

He carried on ignoring me for days at a time to the point where I blew up his phone asking him what was going on. He stated that he was too unstable to continue our relationship "right now" and that he had a lot going on. His messages said that he does want to be with me, but he doesn't think he's fit to be in a relationship right now (the beginning of June), that he's not breaking up with me forever and that he loves me, I'm the only person he wants to be with, he doesn't want to break up with me at all but he's not in a good state to be in a relationship because he's not stable enough, he promised I was the only one for him, it's not a break up, he doesn't want me to expect him to be a good boyfriend right now because he can't be, he doesn't mind if I message him but he doesn't want me to worry if he doesn't message me for a while (how long a while is I don't know), he doesn't want to see other people, he loves me very much and promises not to hurt himself.

After the above I suggested that he take "a month or however long you want" (I wish I never said this) to himself without me bothering him to heal from what he was going through. He said that it sounded like a good idea for us to go and sort ourselves out.

So, two months have passed since he sent the last message. He logged into the app we talk on exactly after a month but said nothing. I panicked because I felt heartbroken and began frantically checking his online profiles and saw that he was still logging into them. He was still talking to everyone but me it seemed. I'm not friends with him on Facebook but checked and he's continuing to interact with everyone there. I became so wound up that he wasn't answering or even looking at my messages this past month that I stupidly posted his number into a dating app because I desperately wanted to see if he had an account there and it sent a code to his phone to log in. I'm afraid he'll know it was me and now I'll for sure be discarded.

He's said himself that he's disordered, he fully admits it, but this is verging into silent treatment/discard territory. The only reason I believe it's the silent treatment is because my messages are still going through and he still has the app on his phone, he's just not reading them right now. I've been doing everything wrong and I fear I've ruined everything because I've sent the wrong messages. None of them are rude, just all of them are urging him to let me know how he's doing and he's not replying at all.

Does he sound like he has BPD? The situation is terrible because I'm attached to him however it's just an empty space now. I've never even met him. More importantly, I initiated the break because he was yelling at me down the phone and not listening to me, making jealousy-fuelled remarks regarding my career and my social life (which I don't even have much of at the moment) and openly showing me how unstable he was.

I don't know what to do. I guess I'm wondering if the silent treatment does ever end if this is what it is and if it's even worth waiting considering we haven't met. I care about him a lot and have been sending him messages letting him know that but there's still no response. Am I delusional? Because he didn't actually break anything off when I asked him if he wanted to, he said it wasn't a break-up, but everyone is saying to me to move on because he's showing no signs of coming back! What should I do?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[PurpleGh0st]

Just to add, he frequently used to say "Please don't leave me," in the beginning to which I would reply "Of course I won't leave you," because I really didn't want to - I wanted to meet him. I also didn't want him to ever feel insecure so it makes no sense that it went from that and me constantly reassuring him I wanted him, to complete silence.

[pearlsw]

Hi, Sorry for your sadness and confusion. Do I have it right that you have been talking for over a year online, but never met in person? He has now cut you off to a certain extent, if not totally?  He was/is taking medication for depression and anxiety? He has said he cannot handle a relationship right now? You live in different countries? You send him messages, but he does not read them? 

Perhaps this is "simply" depression and anxiety? With depression you feel very low, can't function so well, and want to shut people out too, ya know? Anxiety can also make you want to shut people out. I would not worry about an exact diagnosis for now, just try to deal with the behavior, how it makes you feel, and what you want for your life.

There seem to be mental health issues here one way or another. Also, as much as it hurts, I think it is important to listen clearly when someone says they cannot be in a relationship with you with right now. Sounds like he is feeling very overwhelmed by life and struggling to keep his footing. As caring people we want to stay and help and be there, but... .I know the "right now" part does leave the door open but it is important to consider your feelings and what you want for yourself right now.

I know that falling in love with someone can happen in many ways, and feelings can get intense right away sometimes. We get very excited when we make special connections and we start imagining futures of our dreams.

Even if someone does not "officially" break up with us, sometimes they just can't, they can't say the words, they have reasons you may never know, and they may not even know, but... .

When I got a one month plus silence treatment in the past, with a two country relationship, I was not sure if I'd hear from the person ever again or not. It hurt a lot and there were a lot of tears. We had met and spent time together in person though, over the summer, but then nothing very suddenly and painfully after that. 

I get that you feel very attached and hurt by this. Something special was happening for you and you had/have hopes, things seemed bound to take off at some point, but then got stuck somehow... .It is very painful when that happens.

Perhaps for now the most you can do is focus on understanding yourself and what you want and what you are looking for relationship-wise? How long would you want to wait to even see if he wants to just say hi to you? Do you feel it is possible to save this budding relationship? Would mentally putting him into a "friend" category help you for the time being while you wait to see if he will return to your life or not?  I know it takes our heart some time to catch up to our brains when love is concerned. Perhaps once you do make a decision it would give you some "closure" on this current phase of things if you let him know that either a.) you love him and are waiting, or b.) you love him and hope to hear from him but are moving on for now?

I remember calling friends and telling my story during this silent phase and being really desperately sad/confused and having literally no idea what was going on and if he would ever come back. In my case he did, and we resumed our relationship, but this did include a lot of contact and visits until we finally moved in together. Anything can happen, you never know, but try to trust your gut and let yourself get what you need/want from life, okay?