Recalibrating

[Depression = 72% of members]

I've been quite active in the past two weeks, ever since I've finished " stop walking on eggshells" which put a well recognized coherent name to something I've endured for 16 years. Our twilight saga continues, taking more curve turns and swinging us as a family in different directions. UBPDh is in a midst or detachment and rage, his splitting is taking on new extremes, the sound of my voice is so annoying for him, I'm repeatedly asked to leave our joint bedroom. I'm ignored, asked to move away so no part of me is touching him. He is also full blast on with home renos in order to go on the market in September and then... .this is a million dollar question. He will decide what is next. My broken psychi and unstable financial position is dictating to take a firm stance and not sign my life away into ambiguity. Especially given that I have 2 minor children dependent. Meanwhile my teenager confessed that she hurt herself by scratching in order to deal with her extreme emotions. (Some pre- borderline traits present), I'm going into family therapy with her tomorrow. One question that she is naturally asking me: "he is the reason why all of us feel miserable, why doesn't he come?" I'm at loss as how to answer. UBPDh keeps saying tht he doesn't want to see her, that she is a complete stranger to him, he doesn't give a bleep what happens to her and so on

[snowglobe]

I've been quite active in the past two weeks, ever since I've finished " stop walking on eggshells" which put a well recognized coherent name to something I've endured for 16 years. Our twilight saga continues, taking more curve turns and swinging us as a family in different directions. UBPDh is in a midst or detachment and rage, his splitting is taking on new extremes, the sound of my voice is so annoying for him, I'm repeatedly asked to leave our joint bedroom. I'm ignored, asked to move away so no part of me is touching him. He is also full blast on with home renos in order to go on the market in September and then... .this is a million dollar question. He will decide what is next. My broken psychi and unstable financial position is dictating to take a firm stance and not sign my life away into ambiguity. Especially given that I have 2 minor children dependent. Meanwhile my teenager confessed that she hurt herself by scratching in order to deal with her extreme emotions. (Some pre- borderline traits present), I'm going into family therapy with her tomorrow. One question that she is naturally asking me: "he is the reason why all of us feel miserable, why doesn't he come?" I'm at loss as how to answer. UBPDh keeps saying tht he doesn't want to see her, that she is a complete stranger to him, he doesn't give a bleep what happens to her and so on

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[snowglobe]

This is my copilot who is supposed to look out for the welfare of the family. Throwing our housing setuation, his relationship with me and his daughter away. When I look at him, his eyes look so empty, there is nothing there for us. I'm slowly coming to a realization that don't matter how I try, I can't love him back to life. I can't fix his terrible childhood experiences, he refuses to admit that there was anything wrong with his childhood at all. This person is so damaged that he is willing to neglect his child's fundamental needs in order to draw attention to himself. I'm so angry and sad at the same time. I also realize that I have only two spaces in my life boat and the priority goes to my children. I feel like a complete failure. I'm a fixer and people's pleaser, even in these relationships I believed that by projecting unconditional love, understanding his diagnosis and validating will support my love for him and help him to manage. I'm grieving for him, for me, for our children, would appreciate any feedback.
Can't go to sleep in our family bed tonight. I know he will flip and feel abandoned, when I'll come in the morning to get ready he will say the same thing he always says: "why are you here? Go back where you slept previous night. (He knows I fall asleep in kids bedroom) it was so nice sleeping alone without you here" normally it's like a micro shock to make me apologize and start touching him and pleading for love. Tonight, I just can't find any strength to care. My mirror is broken

[pearlsw]

Hi Snowglobe, Sorry to hear about all the pain you are experiencing! I know how much it hurts to feel like I have a partner who isn't quite there for me emotionally when I need him. At times it feels like I am missing the "whole point" of a relationship. His emotions take up so much space in our life, that my needs often get shunted aside. No matter how much I try to bring my own needs back into the discussion, and get them met, I often end up with the short end of the stick. I am finding that using a bit of buddhism to let go of expectations can help. My pain after all comes from my own attachment to an expectation about wanting a certain kind of life, and by letting go, over and over, of that expectation I can experience some freedom from that pain.

Is the plan after this renovation that the house will be sold? Is this a break up step by him? Is his plan to toss you and the kids once it is sold? Or is something else possible?  Sounds like you are doing great parenting there by getting help for the child who has started cutting.

For a long time I think I fed a dynamic of "he's evil" and I'm not and this is all or mostly his fault. But I am finding that the more I depersonalize his pain and painful behavior I can manage this all a bit better, and not make this into a "bad him" vs. "good me" kinda thing. I know you have these tools too, but it gets so overwhelming when someone else just can't/won't behave "normally." It feels like when you can't even agree on reality, what do you have really?

It is hard to live in a world with such a high level of emotion, for me I know it is, when I rely so much on logic and reason and they simply fail me. Reading about JADE-ing has given me a lot of insight and is such a great reminder to steer out of trying to justify and explain because it only leads to more arguments. It is not weak to not engage this stuff, it is actually quite healthy and the best for everyone.

Like you, I have really hated the times where I felt I had to beg and plead for his love right after he did something terrible to me just to try to get him to pull out of his dark phase. It feels so humiliating. But it is only humiliating if I let it be, have the wrong mindset about it. I have to detach myself from that too and just recenter all of this stuff, over and over and over. I am not trying to humiliate myself, I am soothing someone in great pain. It's hard. I'd like to push him away once in awhile too for being so awful to me, but it just makes it all worse if I do.

It's okay to focus on your kids and know your emotional limits. You have taken a lot of time to learn about him/his struggles, but it is okay for you to focus on you and what you want and how you feel as well. I am financially limited too (for now). If I had more means I might not choose this either, but for now, here I am, making the best of things as best I know how. I am here along with you! You are not a failure. Grieve your old expectations, but when you are ready let them go, and set new ones.

I can never really get out all I wish I could say when I post. I so wish I had the right words to help. I don't. I never quite do. But I do care! Take some time to laugh and smile despite all the pain if ya can! Some days that is all I can afford - the free, simple stuff!

[snowglobe]

Is the plan after this renovation that the house will be sold? Is this a break up step by him? Is his plan to toss you and the kids once it is sold? Or is something else possible?  
It is hard to live in a world with such a high level of emotion, for me I know it is, when I rely so much on logic and reason and they simply fail me. Reading about JADE-ing has given me a lot of insight and is such a great reminder to steer out of trying to justify and explain because it only leads to more arguments. It is not weak to not engage this stuff, it is actually quite healthy and the best for everyone.

Like you, I have really hated the times where I felt I had to beg and plead for his love right after he did something terrible to me just to try to get him to pull out of his dark phase. It feels so humiliating. But it is only humiliating if I let it be, have the wrong mindset about it. I have to detach myself from that too and just recenter all of this stuff, over and over and over. I am not trying to humiliate myself,

It's okay to focus on your kids and know your emotional limits. You have taken a lot of time to learn about him/his struggles, but it is okay for you to focus on you and what you want and how you feel as well. I am financially limited too (for now). If I had more means I might not choose this either, but for now, here I am, making the best of things as best I know how. I am here along with you! You are not a failure. Grieve your old expectations, but when you are ready let them go, and set new ones.

I can never really get out all I wish I could say when I post. I so wish I had the right words to help. I don't. I never quite do. But I do care! Take some time to laugh and smile despite all the pain if ya can! Some days that is all I can afford - the free, simple stuff!

Dear @peralsw, thank you for taking the time to reply, I haven't felt such an anguish for a while. Uncertainty for the future is my Achilles's heel, I can't stand ambiguous future. Especially given the history of my husband's poor financial investments, grandiose ideas and failures. I wish I could manage to attend to him and depersonalize, but there is a lot at stake here regarding our daughter and her well being. The plan that he has is to complete renos at the speed of light, which is already says a lot about his character- we have two minor children, there isn't any consideration for their comfort or making the arrangements to make them comfortable while house is painted and fixed. He wants to "buy a property with a value", he only value he sees is in a land. He is willing to move into a shoe box or a dirt hole to meet that criteria. Our house is beautiful, there is a lot of sun, kids have amazing rooms, it's very spacious. He knows my limits, so I'm not sure what the future holds for us as a family. Not just coming from him, I'm uncertain about my personal reaction.
@pearlsw, can you see yourself doing this for the rest of your
Life? I'm not sure I can... .the tale of the frog and the scorpion is very fitting, the scorpion, knowing they both won't make it to the shore still did It.
P.s. You are great with words, I really needed someone with silimar experiences, thank you

[patientandclear]

Hi--a quick word about the scratching/cutting. My daughter briefly was doing this while severely depressed, not unrelated to my own severe depression in the aftermath of my BPD relationship.

Two things helped. One was not to over-focus on the cutting per se. Sounds like you and your daughter have had a good conversation about the feelings she is trying to manage and their validity. The cutting will resolve if the feelings are acknowledged and attended to--it isn't an independent behavior. My kid really appreciated an acknowledgement that we all use coping mechanisms of greater and lesser destructive force (drinking, smoking, compulsive shopping, eating, not eating; I specifically identified mine) and that cutting isn't as destructive as some. Also affirmed that it can be dangerous due to infection and stigmatizing due to scarring, so of course I wanted her not to do it, I removed knives etc., but didn't make the cutting the be-all and end-all.

We created other self-indulgent-feeling "coping mechanisms" that were attractive to her and new: watching a particular show together that had many available episodes and would last; taking walks. Eventually these took over the place cutting had.

The other thing that mattered to her was that I validated the source of her worry and hurt and didn't act contrary to that. I needed to be truly present and not off trying to be caretaker to an adult who sucked the life force from me. She needed one parent who was NOT dysfunctional, who would make things feel secure and nice.

She still struggles with her feelings about her dysfunctional manipulative abusive-yet-has-redeeming-qualities-and-is-50%-of-her father (not my BPDex). But having a solid relationship with me where it is safe to work those issues through and she can both care about and feel let down by her dad is key, and I have only been able to do that by dedicating myself to recovery from my BPD r/ship.

You sound like a great mom, and your daughter sounds like she has a pretty clear  perspective. I applaud your instinct that the kids need you to be OK and to devote the care you have to give to them. Best wishes.

[Meili]

Snowglobe, what did the family therapist have to say? Has there been any progress?

[snowglobe]

Snowglobe, what did the family therapist have to say? Has there been any progress?

Dear Meili, thank you for asking. Things took its natural course; he "self medicated", we had a talk, he admitted to acting out due to fear of being rejected. I walked him through 9 symptoms of BPD and he admitted to 7 out of 9

[Meili]

That sounds like a decent place to start and good information for you to have. Where does that leave you though? What is your plan for your next steps?

[snowglobe]

Dear Meili, we went into family therapy and he is now working with me to help our daughter, who is very oppositional. Even told me that he needs his temper in check around the kids, and that "I allowed him to abuse me and now it's hard to stop". He left today with his b. Partner for an over night trip. Not sure who is coming back, my loving and caring h or the complete a$$&/e. I'm so empty without him. I'm not sure if any of you identify with this. A while back I read " 9 1/2 weeks" autobiography novel, it's very graphic and rich in adult content, very much different from the movie. In a closing chapter the author says :" after the relationships ended, all consecutive relationships never quite measured up, it felt lukewarm". This is how I feel exactly when he isn't around, lukewarm or even numb at times... .I know it's just 2 days apart, but I'm so irritated at him being gone. My wonderful children are here safe with me, and all I can think about is him. It's an obsession

[cc2203]

I'm so empty without him. I'm not sure if any of you identify with this. A while back I read " 9 1/2 weeks" autobiography novel, it's very graphic and rich in adult content, very much different from the movie. In a closing chapter the author says :" after the relationships ended, all consecutive relationships never quite measured up, it felt lukewarm". This is how I feel exactly when he isn't around, lukewarm or even numb at times... .I know it's just 2 days apart, but I'm so irritated at him being gone. My wonderful children are here safe with me, and all I can think about is him. It's an obsession

I can COMPLETELY Relate to this... My uBPD fiance went on a vacation with his family for a week. Day 1 without his was one of the worst experiences I can honestly say Ive ever made it through. The absolute worst part of this trip was when the day came for him to come home, and he didnt. Still hasnt came back. I feel completely empty inside. As sad as this sounds, I feel like the sun set on the day he left, and hasn't come back up yet... Its so dark... I cant see anything... .I cant find my way back to my own happiness. I waited to long to change my response, to change the way I go about doing things in our relationship. It was to late. I was too late. Dont make my mistakes.

I can only imagine how you must feel, as you two have a family... .We didnt. You are in my prayers.

[snowglobe]

I can COMPLETELY Relate to this... My uBPD fiance went on a vacation with his family for a week. Day 1 without his was one of the worst experiences I can honestly say Ive ever made it through. The absolute worst part of this trip was when the day came for him to come home, and he didnt. Still hasnt came back. I feel completely empty inside. As sad as this sounds, I feel like the sun set on the day he left, and hasn't come back up yet... Its so dark... I cant see anything... .I cant find my way back to my own happiness. I waited to long to change my response, to change the way I go about doing things in our relationship. It was to late. I was too late. Dont make my mistakes.

I can only imagine how you must feel, as you two have a family... .We didnt. You are in my prayers.

Thank you cc2203

[Meili]

Yes Snowglobe, I can relate to what you said about being empty. I still struggle with that some days. It is no where nearly as intense as it was in the beginning though.

Part of what got me through it was focusing on myself and the other things that were important in my world. I filled the void with those things. It was a real struggle at first, but I kept at it until it got easier.

During this time, I also learned about myself and why I craved the intense and chaotic environment that my relationship provided. It was very hard for me to admit that my own behaviors added to the dynamic. Once I could do that however, I was better able to find healthier ways to fill that need for intensity. It's still a work in progress mind you, but it's getting better.

Do you think that perhaps your "obsession" is really just you moving out of what has become all too familiar (the intensity and chaos that comes from these relationships) into a calmer world and that is making you uncomfortable? For many of us, we've just become so used to the situation that anything else seems, for lack of a better word, boring, bland, and empty. Could that be what you are experiencing?