I'm in doubt about my ex.

[JaxDK]

Hi all. New poster and new to this whole BPD thing, but learning more and more. If it's too long to read skip down to the synopsis.

I could really use some insight about my failed relationship with my ex, which i suspect has BPD but not entirely sure. I'm going through tough times right now and could really use some third party objectiveness. Worst part is we have a child together. I miss her a lot a am struggling to find myself again. I lost my identity and my hobbies (It took time away from not helping her in every day life) She's 38 I'm 42. NC is not an option since we have an 7 month old son together

I met my ex through my job 2 1/2 years ago through my job. Both healthcare workers. I didn't have much of a life back then but i was happy and content being single. She was married back then through 18 years with 3 kids. She had a conflict with a coworker at our job, which led to her calling me, asking for advice and a listening ear. Over time we developed a friendship. I developed feelings for her and told her one day. I also told her i would not act on it and our friendship would be unaffected by it. She called me up the next day and wanted to talk in person. Next day she was divorced and I was suddenly a family man (her ex had multiple undiagnosed disorders and an emotional and physical abuser)something i can attest to seeing him using the kids as leverage and being a bad coparent in every way possible. This relived my guilt back then for being a homebreaker something completely out of character for me.

I waited a year before i gave up my apartment to move in with her. A time with quite a few breakups done by me, because i felt mistreated and disrespected. We had amazing sex that made me feel like a king. She would see me as the best thing since sliced bread and her savior. which triggered my knight in shining armor/fixer personality. I wanted to be that person who treated better than anyone before. She would openly described me as perfect in every way to her friends and family as well but alone with her, she complained about things I didn't do to make her life easier or I didn't give her the right amount of attention. (sitting with my virtual headset or my phone caused drama too.

I began losing my own identity in favor of the family man who drove them to school, picked up her kids, did grocery shopping, vacuumed (she told me it was hard on her back) basically did my part and then some. I treated her kids great (1 of them diagnosed with adhd) and she loved that aspect of me.

As time went on she wanted me to do more and more to the point where my only free time was on the toilet. At night when kids were put to bed, it was time for us to spend adult time together which is natural. It pretty much always ended with me rubbing her feet and listening to her (she's a talker). I tried being the perfect boyfriend but never got much in return other than words and an occational short backscratching. She was a giver in bed though and very generous with a high sex drive.


I'm rambling too much i'm going to boil a few things down

1. The fights: She was the instigator 90% of the time. disagreements escalated with her very quickly. She is very intelligent and skilled in making you believe it was you who started the fight, and making you actually believe you were the one in the wrong. I felt brainwashed sometimes. She would never accept her part unless, it went as far as a possible breakup from my side. A lot of the fights would also be contributed to me being hard to read or talking to harshly

2. Abandonment issues: She has serious abandonment issues. First time we broke up let to an almost psychotic episode with her wailing and sitting in a corner curled up unreachable. I felt very bad for my "knee-jerk" reactions and instantly went into apologetic fixing mode.

3. Conflict personality: She has a high conflict personality with coworkers, friends, family and very skilled in making you believe she justified (you will believe it and defend her even though you know you would never end in similar conflicts yourself)

4. Hero worship and buildup: She was very vocal about this but never reciprocated very much or at all. I would do a lot for her she did little to nothing for me. Her turning on the porch light before i got home would be one of the ways she showed love (her words). I called her out on it a few times because it seemed everything i did wasn't enough. Why tell everyone i'm perfect if you are unhappy with me?  Even a nap could cause dissatisfaction.

5. Affection: Affection was something i gave in spades. She would openly ask for it too (cuddle up to me, do this do that) on top of it all. Physical affection seemed excessive to the point it seemed almost fake or forced in order to maintain closeness from her. If she had a friend over she would sit very close to me hold my hand constantly or have her legs over mine.

6. Shaming: This one is confusing because it wasn't shaming more as sulking or seem unhappy, guilting and debating me (she's a highly skilled debater that can make you think you said or meant things you didn't)

7. Physical health. There's always something wrong with her. If it's not her headaches, it's her joints, her back, her whatever. She seems to have very few days feeling perfect. She would use this to get me to help more and do more. She has an issue with her family during her younger years calling her a hypochondriac.



Things out of character for BPD that makes me doubt.

Highly loyal at least to me. No cheating or inappropriate behavior to the opposite sex.

Her ultimate goal is to have a family she never had. For the kids as well (her mom is a substance abuser that never took care of her) I fitted in to that role perfectly.

She stays in a relationship even if she's unhappy, just fulfill that need for a complete family. never threatens or even suggest breaking up. She will sabotage to get you to that point then apologize be desperate about you staying.

She was never violent or called me names, nor did she put me down as a horrible person. Nor did she ever expressed hate. She would become slightly psychotic when things escalated. Like flipping a table with drinks on it making a huge mess, breaking things. I saw this twice. She hates being ignored so cooling off and getting some space would just escalate things.

She never gave me the silent treatment and hate having it used on her, which her ex did all the time. After the breakup she has used it multiple times usually after a display of how much in love she

Her "rebound" is not a step down from me. He is a handy man something im not. buff and overly tatooed. Not very attactive face which is a few steps down from me. and looks older and bald (not by choice) crooked teeth etc. Earns a lot of money and has his own house and kids. Incidently him big a handy man is perfect since her house is falling a part due to her ex taking it apart while he was living there (he had severe adhd and probably some autistic traits too) Her house being a big concern of hers.



I left for good may 17 to save myself from an approaching depression. and it wasn't pretty. I told her i no longer loved her, because the fights had left me emotionally drained. Picking up and dropping my son off i would hear how she was broken completely and how hard her life was. A month later she was already with somebody else. A polar opposite of me. She immediately texted me when her relationship status changed to give me a heads up. I told her it was hard to hear which it was (my progress took a huge dump to extreme sadness and wanting her back) but she deserved it and i should probably start dating as well.

Next meet was extremely confusing. I had to drop my son off, I was there 10 mins early and had to wait for her to arrive at her house (she was driving from her new guys place close by). When she showed up she appeared almost drunk. I was worried so i asked her if something was wrong. She kept repeating nothing was wrong. I pushed because i panicked. I recognized it from early on in our relationship. That almost drunk from love or an amazing sex session, manifesting physically. I told her i was going to respect her not wanting to say. Then she told me "you know what it is, You have seen it once before". Probably an act to get me off my game or not.

Next meet picking my son up in the morning. Whe her front door was locked so i had to walk through the other door where his shoes and tools were lined up right inside so i couldn't miss it. When she saw me looking she told me 'don't worry he's not here'. I acted cool about it and told her i would like to meet him at one point, to see the person who's going to be around my son. That caught her by surprise. I told her congratulations and she deserved 3 times with no response.

I never gave her an impression i wanted her back but i did show emotion to her moving on and i regret it.




Sorry for this long incoherent mess. What do you guys think?

[JaxDK]

I should have specified. Is she a BPD or something else entirely