I think its real this time...

[cc2203]

Really starting to doubt about posting on here. I posted my entire story before we broke up, and no one responded... .

Long Story short, my Fiance and I have been together for just over a year and a half. We've lived together just as long. I know for a fact that we both love each other so much still.

Recently he went on a Family vacation to California for a week. Little did I know, he wasn't coming back. The first day he was gone was VERY hard for me, because I am very  codependant of him. Way too much. I realized this on the beginning of day 2, and I backed off and tried to find support at home. He was crying for space and I was trying my best to give it to him. Day 3 in the early morning, a VERY traumatic event occurred in my life, and I  ran to him immediately for support. I wish I hadn't ever done that... he became very angry with me. I promised him that I was trying to leave him be on his vacation... that I can go the rest of this week without bringing up him, us, how sad or lonely I was ect... I just begged him to let me show him. He agreed, and I did! I did great. Late at night on day 3 He called me as he was on his way to get a pack of smokes. He found out he couldn't buy them because in CA now you have to be 21. He is only 20 (im 21) and he broke down. He started crying and then he said to me that he didn't want to come home. He told me he couldn't come home because if he did, he knew he wouldn't be able to break up with me. I tried to push this to the side. I begged him to just stop thinking about this until he was home. Told him to just focus on his vacation and we would settle this all when he got home. We finished that phone call, (the break up call) with one of the BEST conversations we've ever had. We were making each other smile and laugh all over again like it really didn't happen. Day 4 and day 5 went well. I was giving him all the space he had asked for. I didnt bring us up once! I didnt complain about being sad or anything.

Then he called lastnight (day 5) and said he was sure now, he had made up his mind. He wasnt coming home. When I asked why he said it was because he knows if he comes home and sees me again, he knows his love for me will take control and he will stay with me. He doesnt want that to happen. He doesnt want to live his life like this. He had already left his job, and told his friends.

Now he wont talk to me at all. We always promised eachother we would be friends after we broke up becuase he knows im here in TX alone. I have no friends, no support, and no family nada. Just our T.

I have a few friends that are coworkers but I dont go to them for anything. I am now obviously as im trying to break my codependency of him. I feel so lost. I feel like life as i knew it is gone. swept out from underneith me. Im overwhelmed. I cant afford our bills with out him. This will damage my credit along with his. This has affected me at work... Im not sleeping or eating right. I havent been since he left to go on vacation. He was supposed to come home tomorrow... .I keep praying that Ill see him walk through that door, even tho I know i wont.  Im tired of everyone saying "its going to be okay" "you just have to be strong" "you deserve better anyways" None of these passive statements help... .I just want him to come back... he always came back... .I dont know what I did this time. Why would he leave me high and dry like this?

Sorry if im in the wrong place.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[snowglobe]

Dear @cc2203 I'm so sorry that you did not get support you needed last time you posted here. There is an overwhelming number of people seeking advice and social support, keep on posting, your feelings matter. I can't give you an advice other then :read, read " I hate you don't leave me", read "stop walking on eggshells" anything and everything regarding BPD, it will hopefully point you to the direction that you aren't a victim, and your role in these relationships. Make practical arrangements, call your credit card company, don't wait for debts to pile up. You need to be cautiously optimistic, after all BPDs are notorious for recycling their loved ones. By preparing for the worse case scenario, you will anticipate financial and practical hardships to give you some time and head space to process the reality. Try to look into meditation yoga practicing, for me it feels like a swirl of busy bees, accepting reality for what is helps to numb the pain. Adjust your expectations. There are specialists everywhere for debt consolidation, reach out, for a much smaller fee they will negotiate with your credit cards and lenders. No one can tell you what to do or if and when he will come back. All that is certain is that this person is suffering from a personality disorder, his actions are unpredictable and defies any logic. You can't understand it. Roll with it.
One thing that has helped me to fall asleep last night, is imagining our relationship as a mirror. People usually mirror each other, in the case of BPD you are looking at the reflection of yourself, through that person's eyes. All those mirrors are distorted some making you unproportinally long, others short, but non of them are really you. Loneliness is a punishment, but solitude is a safe place. Look deep within, and find the things you want to say, give to yourself, you can feel that need while you are figuring out what to do. I'm here for you 

[once removed]

hi cc2203 and

i can imagine how overwhelmed you must feel, and while im very sorry for the circumstances that brought you here, im glad you found us. we can help. additionally, im sorry you hadnt received any responses to your story, sometimes posts can fall through the cracks. in any event, we are here to support you.

can you give us some backstory on what led to this recent breakup? has he given you any reasons for it at all?

its really hard to be blindsided like this, and when you dont have a support system in place. i remember feeling very alone when my ex left me, too. i know those sorts of statements you mentioned can feel really hollow, invalidating, and unhelpful. what i can tell you is that no matter what happens, things get better, and we are here for you.

[cc2203]

My original post is very full of background and detail. Its a bit lengthy but it tells the entire story of us. Our issues/ problems and the bumps along the way to where we are now. It was called "I dont know how I let it get this bad".

I keep talking to one of his friends that he talked to and im unable to determine if shes just feeding me what I want to hear if shes serious too... She still says she thinks he will come home... maybe he just needs more time. I plan on talking to his mom today also. Last night he told me to talk to her instead of him from now on, regarding everything moving forward. Completely shutting me out. He started crying and said im sorry last night but hes sticking to his guns. If he doesnt come home soon, I will have to quit my new career and run to Kansas. In Kansas are my parents and a FEW old friends that ma still talk to me. I feel like going home is a bad option. But Im almost just as alone here too. I have isolated myself so much and im so scared. I dont know what to do... .what to think... how to feel. Im just very lost. I have no closure yet because he wont talk to me.

I feel like im dying inside.

[once removed]

the first step on the Saving board is to stop the bleeding. its where we identify things we may be doing unintentionally, and well meaning, that may be self defeating or relationship defeating. have you had an opportunity to look through the lessons and tools directly to the right?

so right now, it seems to me you want to be very careful about who you talk to, and what you relay to them. even if they have your best interests at heart, they may, as you said, be telling you what you want to hear, and there is always the possibility that anything you say gets relayed to him. hes asking for space, and if things get relayed to him, it could push him away.

have you been talking to your therapist? do they have any thoughts about what is going on?

[cc2203]

the first step on the Saving board is to stop the bleeding. its where we identify things we may be doing unintentionally, and well meaning, that may be self defeating or relationship defeating. have you had an opportunity to look through the lessons and tools directly to the right?

so right now, it seems to me you want to be very careful about who you talk to, and what you relay to them. even if they have your best interests at heart, they may, as you said, be telling you what you want to hear, and there is always the possibility that anything you say gets relayed to him. hes asking for space, and if things get relayed to him, it could push him away.

have you been talking to your therapist? do they have any thoughts about what is going on?

Its just s hard because his friend, is one of the very few people who actually made me feel better during this whole thing. She has been so supportive. I dont want to lose being able to talk to her too... I texted the T and called her this morning with no answer. I left her a message. Waiting for her to call back.

[once removed]

lean on us. we can help.

how can we best support you right now, cc2203? do you have any questions regarding your relationship, or the lessons to the right?

[Meili]

lean on us. we can help.

I agree with this and what once removed said about being careful with what you say to the friend or family in that it may just push your fiancee further away.

I remember, all too well, the feelings of emptiness, loneliness, and despair when my relationship ended. My life had become so enmeshed with my x's that it was hard to tell where she ended and I began. When the relationship ended, it was like most of my life was gone. It sounds like that is what you are describing. Is that correct?

One of the best things that you can do for yourself and to give your relationship the best chance for survival is to give him the space that he's asking for and focus on yourself. I know that it's hard and painful, but allowing yourself to feel the pain as you push through this will be beneficial to you. It will help teach you a lot about yourself if you allow it.

When that starts to happen, then you can start to make the changes necessary to save the relationship.

You've received some great advice so far. We're here for you and will support you. How can we best do that?

[cc2203]

One of the best things that you can do for yourself and to give your relationship the best chance for survival is to give him the space that he's asking for and focus on yourself. I know that it's hard and painful, but allowing yourself to feel the pain as you push through this will be beneficial to you. It will help teach you a lot about yourself if you allow it.

When that starts to happen, then you can start to make the changes necessary to save the relationship.

You've received some great advice so far. We're here for you and will support you. How can we best do that?

Maybe you guys see theres a chance for us? Is that what youre saying? I dont want to get my hopes up for nothing. Knowing that giving him the space will allow him to come back to me is THE ONLY motivation I have to actually push through NC for a period of time. You said to "... .save the relationship." As excited as I am for this, and to hear this, Im very fearful that there isnt another chance. He left here on Tuesday, for a vacation with his family. He broke up with me on Thursday. His coworkers were informed on Saturday that he was no longer working there. (Assuming he quit, he says he did.) I feel like him quiting is whats sticking out to me so far. I dont think he will ever come back... He told me to talk to his mom for everything in terms of, arranging finical obligations, and property gathering.

I want so bad to just keep telling myself, give him space and he will return. He always returns. He just needs some more time right now. But I honestly am not sure if I can believe that anymore. After the conversation we had lastnight... .idk. He removed his phone from out Itunes account so I cant see where he is. I believe he did this just for privacy. And i support that. But I cant tell him that. I cant tell him anything. Because I cant talk to him. Even if I wanted to, I dont know if he blocked my number or not. So i just gave up.

I just tried to eat... Put the food in my mouth and almost immediately wanted to throw up. I cant stomach this. atleast not yet... .And I know he cant either. He said so last night. He said he hasnt been able to let go of it since he did it. He says he cant eat or sleep either. He said its killing him and he feels terribly.

My best case that I wanted for this:

Convince him to just take some more time in LA - ENJOY some personal time there. Lets not talk for a FULL WEEK or so. Then come home, lets sit down and talk about this. That DOES NOT mean we have to get back together. But just talk about what happened. Learn from this together and move on. Actually handle his business with out dogs, apartment, and his belongings. In the unlikely event we do end up getting back together we FIANLLLLY have something to go on... .we had been seeing the therpist for weeks and both felt like she wasnt helping at all.

[Meili]

I know that this sounds trite, but as long as you believe that there is a chance to rekindle the relationship, the chance exists. It is only when both partners decide that there is no chance that the option goes away. Now you can put that question out of your mind and put the energy toward something else.

That being said, I completely agree with you that getting overly-enthusiastic is a bad plan. In fact, my advice to you is to let go of all expectations one way or the other. Spending time worrying about things that may or may not happen is draining you of much needed energy right now. Easy for me to say, right?

It's hard, but we all can learn to release expectations and just live. It's another form of what call around here thinking with a =https://bpdfamily.com/content/triggering-and-mindfulness-and-wise-mindWisemind. What we mean by that, in short, is that we need to recognize our emotional mind and our logical mind and the area where they overlap is wise mind.

Expectations are nothing more than thoughts created by emotions. We either fear something or get overly excited by it. We create situations in our mind that may or may not ever happen and we react to those thoughts. If you just recognize them for what they are, thoughts, and not give them any power (don't react to them, just recognize them), then you can make more mindful decisions.

I had a lot of trouble eating and sleeping too when I was going through what you are describing. I had to remind myself that the best chance that I had to get my gf back was to make myself the most attractive person that I could be.  Not eating or sleeping was wearing me down. I was not going to be attractive that way, so I forced myself to do it. I didn't want to... .it made me feel sick... .the food tasted bland and dry... .it was a struggle just to get it in my mouth. But, I knew that I loved my gf and that I would do almost anything to get her back, so I forced myself. After a few days, it got much easier.

[once removed]

Maybe you guys see theres a chance for us?

its about giving it the room and potential for the best case scenario. we cannot tell you for certain that he will return to the relationship. we can tell you that there are ways of making this less likely, help you identify whether or not youre doing them, and provide some tools to help nip them in the bud; we can also, in the meantime, provide you with the skills, tools, and knowledge, that if he does return, will give your relationship a fighting shot, with the goal of not repeating the same outcome.

when my ex broke up with me, i was hopeful that she would come back. i had the urge to do lots of things that, in hindsight, would have made matters worse, mostly for me. even today, i am very grateful that i maintained my dignity, and didnt spend a lot of time kicking myself over "what ifs". so in the event that he does not return, you still want to keep your self respect intact, and not just push him away.

[cc2203]

We just recently moved into a new apartment, with both names on the lease. Our rent plus other bills is more than my income. I cant afford it alone. Its only a 1 bedroom apartment but in a very nice part of town. - Seeing as he wont speak to me currently, and he advised I only speak to his mother if I need him, I did that just now.  I asked if she thought he was serious about not coming back. She affirmed. I asked what his plans are she advised she wasn't sure. All she knows is he will be traveling around with his sister, who is a traveling ER nurse. She is in a new city every three months. She makes PLENTY of money to support both him and her. And thats awesome I support if he wants to spend time with his sister. But there is no way for him to get a job, as he quit the one he had here already, when hes floating to a new city every three months. He has bills of his own, (credit and some household bills are in only his name) plus the rent is legally half his. I asked her what the plans are for that, and she told me I was on my own... .I needed to figure it out on my own. Basically saying he has no intention of paying. I mentioned legally he has to... she said "Go ahead and try to take him to court. You know whats gonna happen then? You're not gonna like it. Hes gonna get all his friends to testify that you created a Domestically Violent home, with your controlling and mental abuse, and that he had no choice but to leave". The ___ty part is, I NEVER laid a hand on him. He always punched me, bit me, shoved me, kicked me. The only time I touched him was when id hold him back from hitting himself. - This is making me feel like a monster. I am going to either lose my apartment and kill my credit. OR Im gonna only pay rent and let the other bills pile up. I simply dont make enough money. I work two jobs. But if I go full time at both, I wont ever have time to focus on or fix some of my issues.

[Meili]

That's a tough situation to be in CC. I'm really, terribly sorry that you are having to deal with all of it. It sounds so stressful.

Have you spoken with your landlord about the fact that he has left the apartment? There might be something that the landlord can do. Perhaps there is another unit, or if it is a property management company, they may have another complex that you can switch to that is more affordable. At the end of the day, if something can't be worked out, everyone loses so it's in their best interest to try to help.

Also, you mentioned that there has been domestic violence against you. Did you report it? Are there women's services in your area that can/will help you even though he's left the apartment?

Will your family help you temporarily until you can get this all sorted out?

As for his traveling, never coming back, etc. I would try to not read too much into that right now. pwBPD do and say strange things when they are dysregulated. What is very real to them in one moment can be completely different in the next.

[cc2203]

Yes, I spoke to them and they basically said it doesn't matter, as long as im living there rent must be paid. In the even I need to terminate the lease, then the normal fees must be paid. ($4,420) and must be paid up front with 30 day notice. If not paid, will go to collections after both of us. Not just me, even if I pay my half.

No the viloence was never reported. Typically he would start hurting himself, and I would step in and try to stop him, then Id end up getting hurt in the end.

My family is willing to help me little by little as they can, but I know they cant help as much as I need from him.

And this time its different... I mean he was on vacation, then just quit his job, and said hes never comming home. Hes gonna live with his sister, and off of her income... He has had his mom speak with me, about getting some of this belongings. I honestly dont want to release any of his belonging until he has given me some sort of rent payments. Also I really just want him to talk to be about these things... .not force mommy to play middle man. Its just so frustrating. Like I know he is listening to her advice right now. And she doesnt care about me at all, so shes saying ":)ont pay him anything... ." ":)ont talk to him, hes gonna try to get you to go home" ect ect. I need to know how he wants to split up the bank account, I need to know what he plans on doing with his cell phone (its in my name), I need to know when he plans on changing the few bills in his name, over to mine. I need to know if I can get a room mate, (Only person looking right now is someone he doesnt really care for... .). I dont want to push him away further or anything like that... .like if he changes his mind, I want to be able to welcome him with open arms that he WANTS to be in, not he wants too, see I had another guy move in, or see that I shut off his phone, or see that I took all the money from out checking account, then start to not want to come home. I know how fickel he can be... ):

I just dont know what to do anymore... .and HE WONT TALK TO MEEEEEE! UGH!

[Meili]

If you don't want to deal with his mother in all of this, why are you?

[cc2203]

If you don't want to deal with his mother in all of this, why are you?

Currently He leaves me no other option. I really dont want to just screw him over. Thats not right... .I understand that is what he is doing to me but that doesnt make it right or okay for me to do to him. And since he blocked me, and wont talk to me on his moms phone even with her standing there, I have very few options other than to talk to his mother.

[Meili]

Is not discussing it with anyone other than him not an option?

How would you be "screwing him over"? Is he not the one who left and is refusing to talk to you?

What I'm point out here is that it appears that you are trying to shield him from the consequences of his own actions. He is an adult and thus responsible and accountable for his choices.

One of the things mentioned in our lesson on The Do's and Don'ts in a BPD Relationship is that you must not protect them from natural consequences of their actions, and that you have to let them fail. It's a hard and scary thing to do, I truly get that, but if there is a possibility for having a long term relationship with him you are going to have to be strong enough to allow it to happen. So, if you continue to cower to his demands, you are dooming any chance at a lasting relationship.

It's a chance that you are going to have to decide if you are willing to take:

Risk him going away forever because you decided to stand up for yourself, or guarantee that he does by continuing to allow him to control?

None of us can make that choice for you. I can tell you that we will be here and support you whichever you choose.

[once removed]

I really dont want to just screw him over.

dont screw him over. do allow him to experience the consequences of his actions, whatever they may be.

[cc2203]

Is not discussing it with anyone other than him not an option?

How would you be "screwing him over"? Is he not the one who left and is refusing to talk to you?

What I'm point out here is that it appears that you are trying to shield him from the consequences of his own actions. He is an adult and thus responsible and accountable for his choices.

One of the things mentioned in our lesson on The Do's and Don'ts in a BPD Relationship is that you must not protect them from natural consequences of their actions, and that you have to let them fail. It's a hard and scary thing to do, I truly get that, but if there is a possibility for having a long term relationship with him you are going to have to be strong enough to allow it to happen. So, if you continue to cower to his demands, you are dooming any chance at a lasting relationship.

It's a chance that you are going to have to decide if you are willing to take:

Risk him going away forever because you decided to stand up for yourself, or guarantee that he does by continuing to allow him to control?

None of us can make that choice for you. I can tell you that we will be here and support you whichever you choose.

Well, as he was on the lease, and I  can not afford it currently, that means it would affect BOTH his and my credit. There is no way to only save mine... So Im given two options. 1) Find a room mate or 2) break the lease.

1) I have someone in mind, but this was an old gay friend of mine who E was always very jealous of. I want to make sure he feels safe coming home to me whenever he does decide to. And I feel like having W move in is a bad idea for that reason. Besides, its only a 1 Bedroom appt. Its not like I have actual space to offer to someone else so no one will want to bunk up.

Option 2) Pay the nearly $4500 and break the lease {Except we dont have that kind of money... neither E or myself.} So clearly I cant do that... .But I could do another variation of this option, as it doesnt require payment until the apartment is reoccupied. But It could cost a WHOLE LOT more in the long run, as Id have to pay rent until someone else moved into the unit.

I do want to protect him... I dont want there to be any issues when he thinks about coming home. I want him to come home so bad. Even though I know he isnt coming home today... .or tomorrow. Who knows about next week or month. So I dont want to risk that chance because I have someone else living with me now, or because I shut him out by turning off his phone ect.

[once removed]

right now, there are no clear loyalties. he has moved out, and he says he will not return.

1) I have someone in mind, but this was an old gay friend of mine who E was always very jealous of. I want to make sure he feels safe coming home to me whenever he does decide to. And I feel like having W move in is a bad idea for that reason.

... .

I do want to protect him...

you cant anticipate this, and i dont think you should try. protect yourself. right now, protecting yourself means doing what is in your interest, and that should not take his interest, or what he might or might not do into the equation. if he didnt exist, but you found yourself in this situation, what would you do?

he created these issues. he may not like the consequences, but they are his consequences. protecting yourself is a far cry from screwing him over. if you can afford to wait, fine, but it doesnt sound like you can.

[Meili]

These are all really hard decisions to make cc2203, I'm truly sorry that you have to make them. There is no good answer, well, at least not one that feels safe.

As it stands now, I fear that his bad behavior is being rewarded and he is learning that no matter what, he can come home. That gives him all of the power and control. That is a really bad thing to do in a relationship with a pwBPD traits.

Is there any way that you can think of to take your power back? What risks are you willing to take to put yourself in the best position to safe not only the relationship, but yourself?

[cc2203]

if he didn't exist, but you found yourself in this situation, what would you do?

he created these issues. he may not like the consequences, but they are his consequences. protecting yourself is a far cry from screwing him over. if you can afford to wait, fine, but it doesn't sound like you can.

I just cant bring myself to hurt him. Not yet at least. Regardless, Im not going to default on the lease. I cant afford it and it wouldn't be smart to let it effect my credit just because he is trying to hurt me right now... .So W will move in. Its gonna happen. But in order for that to happen, and relieve him of any and all finical responsibility, All three of us will have to sign a Lease addendum. Since E isnt here, he will sign it the notarize it and mail it back. The other two of us will sign in person. But that will have W's name printed on it before it gets to E. I feel really bad and guilty about doing this with out giving him a heads up.
... I have the same feelings about our joint account. I feel like I shouldn't just take all the money out of there, but Im the one stuck with the bills, and he is the one who quit his job and ran away. But I feel so terrible just thinking of taking whats left of our account away from him and putting it into an account of my own.

[once removed]

I have the same feelings about our joint account. I feel like I shouldn't just take all the money out of there, but Im the one stuck with the bills, and he is the one who quit his job and ran away. But I feel so terrible just thinking of taking whats left of our account away from him and putting it into an account of my own.

yes, that move might be kind of drastic and hasty. do you have a reasonable accounting of what remains in the account that you directly contributed? is half and half reasonable?

[Meili]

Shouldn't that money be used to pay the bills that you are jointly responsible for anyway?

[cc2203]

These are all really hard decisions to make cc2203, I'm truly sorry that you have to make them. There is no good answer, well, at least not one that feels safe.

As it stands now, I fear that his bad behavior is being rewarded and he is learning that no matter what, he can come home. That gives him all of the power and control. That is a really bad thing to do in a relationship with a pwBPD traits.

Is there any way that you can think of to take your power back? What risks are you willing to take to put yourself in the best position to safe not only the relationship, but yourself?

Thats the issue... I dont know how to do that. I dont know what I could do in the position im in to take the power back.

[Meili]

Would refusing to deal with your situation with him through a third-party not be a step in doing that?

I know where you're coming from though. When things were all fresh and raw when I got here, I allowed my uBPDexgf to dictate every aspect of my life, including who I was friends with and what public places I was allowed to go and stay away from. I even went so far as to fix her motorcycle and was donating plasma to afford to make her payments on the thing. I was so afraid that if I told her "no" that she would be gone forever.

I also hoped that she would find all of my efforts enduring, sweet, loving, and ultimately attractive - that she would think that I was the perfect match for her. That doesn't work btw. That makes a person a doormat and doormats are not attractive. The opposite effect was achieved. It caused her to have zero respect for me and was disgusted by and wanted nothing to do with me.

Here's what happened though, when I finally stood up for myself and told her "no" she started to take notice of me again and stopped much of what she had been doing because it was no longer effective on me.

Right now, it sounds to me that you are in that same spot that I was. So afraid of making the wrong choice and upsetting him that you are giving control over to him. At this point, he gets to do whatever he wants without consequence and you are paying the price. He has no reason to look at you right now.

All that being said, aside from refusing to deal with his mother on his issues, what else do you think that you can do to regain your power?

[cc2203]

Shouldn't that money be used to pay the bills that you are jointly responsible for anyway?

Yes. But I know how he is with spending money. As soon as he switched to his old iphone account, he charged 18.99 subscrptions to our account. and to answer the other question... .No way is 50/50 a fair split. I make so much more than he does. There was about 1600 in the account. of that maybe 300 was his. I paid this months rent out of the account we now have 500. So if I were to do anything id take the 200 and leave his 300. But honestly Since he isnt willing to help me at all with the bills i feel like i should get all of it.

I just feel like im doing the wrong thing by forgetting about him and focusing on me. Like what if he wants to come back tomorrow, and Ive already done all these things? Then hes gonna feel even worse and be even more sad.

[Meili]

But honestly Since he isnt willing to help me at all with the bills i feel like i should get all of it.

I don't think that any of us would argue that wouldn't be the fair and smart thing to do. He's jointly responsible, he should be paying as well.

I just feel like im doing the wrong thing by forgetting about him and focusing on me. Like what if he wants to come back tomorrow, and Ive already done all these things? Then hes gonna feel even worse and be even more sad.

This is an extremely common thought process around here. If you start to read the threads of others, you'll literally find hundreds of examples of people who have said those very words, myself included in one form or another. Dealing with a someone showing BPD traits is counter-intuitive. What you think would be helpful generally isn't. It can all get really confusing.

I do feel compelled to ask you what it matters if he feels worse or sad because you are protecting yourself? Why are you so worried about his being sad? (Remember the comments earlier about protecting him and your saying that you aren't?)

[cc2203]

All that being said, aside from refusing to deal with his mother on his issues, what else do you think that you can do to regain your power?

I dont know. Im so afraid of pushing him away. Like what if me taking control doesn't work. What if that just pushes him away further?

But what else do you think i could do to get his attention, and take control back? Is that what this really is? a battle for control?

[cc2203]

I do feel compelled to ask you what it matters if he feels worse or sad because you are protecting yourself? Why are you so worried about his being sad? (Remember the comments earlier about protecting him and your saying that you aren't?)

i dont know... i think im still very upset... I still want him to come back. I still look to see if hes posted anything, even thought I havent reached out to him at all.  I still wait around my phone for a call saying "Baby im coming home" ... I know ones not coming but Im not ready to accept that yet I dont think... .