I think its real this time...

[Meili]

I dont know. Im so afraid of pushing him away. Like what if me taking control doesn't work. What if that just pushes him away further?

I know that it's a scary thing, but what's the alternative? Do you really want to live your life being ruled by another? What about you, your self-respect, self-esteem, and dignity?

I know that a great number of members here have been willing to throw all of that away in hopes of getting their pwBPD back. Again, you can read my words in a few posts above where I was that same way at one point. It doesn't work though. It won't get you what you want. Well, that is, unless what you want is to be submissive to the whims of another that driven by his emotional state at any given moment. If that is truly the case, then we need to be having a different discussion. Is it?

But what else do you think i could do to get his attention, and take control back? Is that what this really is? a battle for control?

These are very complex questions because you are dealing with a very complex situation. There are no quick fixes (and, honestly, you really don't want there to be because then there would be no real, significant change). It is going to require you to summon a great deal of internal strength and self-respect. You'll need to be able to withstand the hurts (see the link I posted earlier about the Do's and Don'ts).

The basic format for doing what we are talking about here can be found in the sidebar to the right. Learning to soothe your emotions, think mindfully, listen with empathy and don't invalidate when there is communication, define and maintain boundaries, learn all that you can about BPD, take care of yourself, and enjoy life are the basic steps.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Meili]

i dont know... i think im still very upset... I still want him to come back. I still look to see if hes posted anything, even thought I havent reached out to him at all.  I still wait around my phone for a call saying "Baby im coming home" ... I know ones not coming but Im not ready to accept that yet I dont think... .

All of that is really natural. Your life has drastically changed in an instant and it takes time to adjust. Just let yourself feel those things. Try to not allow them to control you, just feel them.

[cc2203]

Monumental Update... .

 I was very weak yesterday when speaking to his mother, as I have to only talk to her to get information to and from him since he refuses to talk to me. I decided to start to stand up for my self, as you guys recommended, and I refused to return his class ring. I wasnt ready to let go of it. I wanted to hold onto that... It meant alot to me. I wore his class ring for almost a year until he proposed on July 16, 16. I still do kinda want it. Once I showed her any refusal, she went on a rage and said she was going to start taking the TVs and the Bed, the Couch... ect. Because most of this furniture was in her home, before she gave it to him and we brought it into ours. Her taking these things didnt hurt me, except he had provided a list, and said everything else in our home I could keep. In my mind it hurt because he was okay with me sleeping on the floor, and living in an empty home that i cant afford.

I told one of his friends, and she reached out to him. He almost instantly broke the NC and reached to me. We messaged briefly back and forth. Then I was going to the gym, and he wanted to talk more. He asked if he could call me, I told him he could, just later that night. After I got home from the gym, I messaged him and he called. He called from a different number, than his own. I asked about that and he told me his mom had given him a new phone so that he wouldnt be able to talk to me, and vise versa as neither of us had eachothers numbers and his old phone was powered off and hidden from him by his sister.

He actually came to me... Which was what I wanted so bad,... but i was so scared. I just started being okay with him being gone. as a codependent It is so had to do that... .During the call, he expressed how much he loves me and how worried about me he was. Even went as far to say "I want to come home and be with you so bad, but I cant anymore". At the end of the call, he asked if we could talk again, ofcourse I agreed. I tried not to show him how happy him talking to me made me, but i was estatic. elated.

At the very end of the phone call, he said I love you as he was saying good bye, I BUSTED out uncontrollably crying. Tears of job and sadness at the same exact time. He tried to sooth my pain, "baby,,, baby... dont cry cody. its okay, I love you so much. Im so sorry I did this to you. Its gonna be okay soon. I promise" he said.

Im terrified of him now. I dont want to expect something he doesnt even know if he wants yet, and I dont want to keep pushing myself further away from him because being alone reallly does suck.

[cc2203]

Last night really has me messed up now. Im so confused... .Why would he call me and tell me he was so sorry and that he still loved me and talk to me about how much he misses me. Does he want me to chase? does he want me to beg? I can if thats what he needs... if thats what will make him come home. But I feel like I shuoldnt do that... I feel like thats just enabling him. But I want him home so bad. I dont wanna hurt anymore. More importantly I dont wanna see him hurt anymore. Feeling lost and confused. Help ):

[Meili]

You're right, you shouldn't chase, beg, or enable. That would just be you handing control right back to him. I know it's hard and hurts, but you really need to be strong if you want some meaningful change. He isn't going to change until he decides to do so, until then, it's entirely on you.

Remember, begging and being a doormat are not attractive qualities. If you want him back, you have to be attractive to him.

Write about the pain, whether you just journal it (someplace that no one will ever know about) or post here. Whatever you are comfortable doing. The important thing is to get it out.

It will also help soothe the pain if you start reading the lessons. They will give you guidance and hope. The more you learn, the stronger you'll begin to feel. You'll have better tools to mitigate the situation.

Read the threads of others. In them, you'll find people who are going through very similar struggles to yours and words of wisdom given by others. You'll start to see that you can survive this and come out on the side in a far better position.

We are here to support you through all of this.

[cc2203]

We are here to support you through all of this.

Did you see the post about the monumental update? DO you have any feed back about what happened? What I should do better?

[Meili]

I did see the post.

The only real feedback that I had on it was that I thought it was awesome that you continued with your plan to go to the gym and made him wait to talk more and that you decided to take a stand. Those things are a big first step.

The making him wait thing is an example of your defining and maintaining a healthy boundary. It is really good to practice that when things are calm because it is much harder to do when emotionally dysregulated because of fear. If you can make them a habit, it is much easier because you don't have to stop and think about it. We have a good article on Setting Boundaries that can help you gain a better understanding.

[cc2203]

The only real feedback that I had on it was that I thought it was awesome that you continued with your plan to go to the gym and made him wait to talk more and that you decided to take a stand. Those things are a big first step.

Wellll The waiting thing was kinda for me. I knew the conversation could keep going the rate we were exchanging messages, but I wanted to hear his voice. And since he was the one who mentioned calling, I wanted him to actually follow through. The last two days (Fri and Sat) he had promised he would call at night and neither night did he actually call.

This was very important to me. I wanted to see him trying in anyway to reach out for me.

[Meili]

Of course it was for you! All boundaries are for the person defining them. They have nothing to do with the other person. We have them to protect ourselves, not to control or manipulate the other person or situation.

[cc2203]

Of course it was for you! All boundaries are for the person defining them. They have nothing to do with the other person. We have them to protect ourselves, not to control or manipulate the other person or situation.

I guess he has made me feel I am so controlling that I dont quite see the fine line between setting and enforcing boundaries and controlling to manipulating to get the desired response.

[Meili]

Here are some Examples of Good Boundaries that may help.

Now, I will admit that if your sole purpose in making him wait to talk to you was as a punishment or to force him to do something, that would be wrong and would be manipulative. That would be different from a boundary.

[cc2203]

Ahhh. I see. I have some reading to do. Thank you!


So He told me lastnight on the phone that he wanted us to start talking to eachother this morning, but I dont know if I should go to him, or let him come to me since he is the one who decided not to talk in the first place? I havent heard from him all day and I know he has been up and about for a while because of the movement of his phone. Snapchat shows his location on a map.

[Meili]

Don't get caught up in the trap of trying to manipulate the situation by who should do what and when. That can cause a lot of problems.

You have a life outside of him (at least you should!) and that's what needs to dictate. If you have time and want to say hello, then you should. If you don't have time, you should not reschedule your life just for that.

Now, that doesn't mean smothering him with 10,000 text messages per day either. You really should be too busy for that anyway. Doing interesting things and having stuff to talk about is attractive after all.

The other part about all of that is that you do not want to have any expectations about the conversation. If he isn't available right then or doesn't instantly respond, then you shouldn't let it bother you. You should have other things to do rather than sitting there waiting for him. It really shouldn't matter if he doesn't respond instantly because you should have your own life outside of him.

(Have I repeated the last sentence enough yet?)

[cc2203]

I dont mean to be a bother.  Some time reinforcement helps me alot. But with texting him, its different. He used to always say I was texting him to much. Like I would always text him and Snapchat him and he wouldnt respond at all sometimes, and that would upset me. Or he would be in the application on his phone, (snapchat) and put something on his story, or snap someone else,  but not open or respond to mine. That bothers me. I guess the way I see it, if you have time to be on your phone,  you should have time to send a quick 3 second reply.

Also I hate it when people make shallow promises. Dont tell me youre gonna do something then not do it. I know he didnt forget about me, because when he picked up his phone in the morning before he walked out the door, it had a notification on the screen from me. But he's always been really bad about reading and replying.

Right now with the way things are, so delicate, I dont want to rub him the wrong way, and push him further away. Im trying to slowly allow his hook to float back in, with out me touching the pole, ya know what I mean? I just dont know how to do that. Ive always been kinda obsessive. 

[Meili]

This sounds like the perfect time for you to work on being less obsessive. 

If you choose to look at it this way, he is giving you a gift right now. He is giving you time to learn and adjust some of your own behaviors and tools into healthier ones. When you start to Understand your role in the relationship it is easier to accomplish.

For instance, your self-admitted obsessiveness has caused problems based on what you've written. During this time apart, is a great time to figure out what's behind your obsessiveness and begin to work on that issue. It's not a change that you ever have to mention to him either. It's one that he will be able to see because the dynamic between the two of you will change.

Yes, it takes two people to make a relationship work, but it only takes one to change the dynamic. That is completely within your power.

[once removed]

Ive always been kinda obsessive.  

from one kinda obsessive person to another  , i can relate to this:

I guess the way I see it, if you have time to be on your phone,  you should have time to send a quick 3 second reply.

thing is, we can run into the trap of believing others feel or experience things in the same way that we do. i know it felt smothering for me when my partner demanded all of my time and attention. its not a healthy dynamic for either party, because one begins to feel theyre losing their sense of healthy independence. that builds resentment, and then both partners resent each other, one party pushes, the other pulls, they switch it around, etc.

point being, to piggyback on what Meili said, i think it would look mighty attractive and be in your best interest to show a change here. it wont be easy, and if, worst case scenario, you dont hear from him, its more than okay to feel angry about that and take it personally, or be upset about it; dont act on it though. if you do that, ill bet the feelings eventually subside and are replaced by feelings of strength. you can let it all out here, too. this is a safe place, we are listening, and will help work through it.

[cc2203]

This afternoon I took our dogs to the vet to get their nails clipped, and I sent him two snapchats. (Both of and about dogs) nothing like personal or relationship related. He still hasnt opened either one. Now remember, he has two phones now. The one I got for him a long time ago, and the one his mom recently got for him after our break up.

Last night he called me from the new device. I have been so strong and didnt text him or call him or even snapchat him (until the vet) on either device.

Because of my obsession I keep looking at his location, on both devices. The phone he had from me stayed at his sisters appt all day. The other device he carried with him today as he went out and was driving around LA. It kinda looked like he was driving in a giant circle, but thats neither here nor there. NC from him all day.

Once he got home, he texted me from the old phone. Nothing but business. Talking about needing an account number for one of our utilities to remove his name. He told me he had already requested papers from another to have it switched to my name, and he told me they would be coming in the mail. He asked I sign his name for him, in his absence.

It feels like today he is cutting ties. But lastnight we laughed and cried together on the phone. We told each other we loved each other. He told me how much he missed me and that he wishes this wasnt happening.

During this texting discussion, I asked if I could call him to discuss the utilities. I honestly dont feel comfortable signing them for him. He said that he was in the car with his sister and her room mate, and asked if I could talk later. I said yeah thats fine. But that was 15 min ago, and neither of his phones have left her apartment complex. and he is still texting me. So I know he has them with him. Which means hes lying. and of course, the old me is screaming right now to confront it. But I know for a fact that will just push him away. I know that this is unhealthy obsessive behavor. But I cant seem to shake it. I cant seem to stop focusing on him. I tried to make plans with other friends tonight but no one can do anthing for the next few hours. Its raining, so im stuck inside. I tried watching tv, that just made me bored.

As im writing this he is still texting me... .Im being bad i think... .(Due to the lack of communication today I feel like he doesnt really want to talk to me or be my friend like he said he did last night) I asked him If i could ask him a question, but i was worried he would get upset. He told me to ask it. I changed my mind becuase I know it is a bad Idea to ask him this. He insisted I tell him. So I just did. I said "I was gonna ask about how last night you said you wanted us to start talking. I want to make sure thats something you actually want. Becuase if I get my hopes up, excited about having you back as my firend, im worried im gonna get let down if you dont actually want to. I want you to be happy, but I gotta look out for myself more now too"

getting more and more nervious while waiting on his reply, I texted him again- "But we dont have to talk about it ok? If we're gonna talk i want you to be in a comfortable conversation.  like about your day! Hows it been? What have you been up to?(: "

Im gonna step away from my phone now so I can stop making these same mistakes. - I keep checking to see when or if he even leaves her apartment. (Which he hasnt)

[cc2203]

He responded... ."My day has been okay  how about yours?" ... I guess that answers that question that he doesnt want to talk about it. But Im still left with the question of weather or not he actually wants to talk to me. I hate being this obsessed with him. I hate feeling like every word I say is just gonna push him further away. I hate that he isnt ready to come home yet... and it doesnt seem like he ever will... .I just keep waiting for this huge episode to stop, him to snap back and decide to come home... .The more time goes on the more I dont think thats gonna happen. and I honestly think im refusing to accept it... .I know thats bad. I know I need to... .I just... .idk. I dont know how to. He is sending me mixed signals. So sometimes I have such high hopes then a few min later he will be serious about this and throw my hopes down the drain.