scared

[pearlsw]

he interrupted me earlier while i was looking at this site. he is always very suspicious of my ever being on my computer. i talk and validate and try to explain that a healthy relationship must entail a chance for me to read online, etc. he broke up with me. with a lot of work i managed to calm him thanks to lots of validating, but it is so hard to live like this. this happens every week, week and a half or so, him melting down and breaking up. just wanted to say that... .thank you for all being here when i am scared and alone. i am so afraid i might lose even this, my one small contact to the outside world. i was here reading and learning every day for a couple weeks, but... .i am scared even to be alone with my thoughts. well, at least i cut down the break up time. small victories. i guess.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

is there a way to never have any emails come to me from this site? in settings i see if you try to take out your email it has to have something. i am not safe if he knows i am seeking help.

[once removed]

hi pearlsw,

validation is a great tool. it is, however, only one tool, and you dont want to validate the invalid, and doing so can translate into negative reinforcement.

can you give us a little more information on how this played out, conversationally? some examples of the validating language you used, and his responses?

[HelenaHandbasket]

pearlsw, when you say you're not safe do you mean literally? Or not safe from possible breakup?

[pearlsw]

when he is in a dark phase he wants to be able to control everything i do online. he could actually. he controls the network and can hack into my computer. he can install a keylogger.

when he is in a white phase he recognizes this is not healthy or okay and backs off.

he breaks up with me on a weekly-biweekly basis. i am in a foreign country with no outside contacts. he can see any phone call i make overseas. this is how i became so isolated. friends stopped wanting to contact me knowing he could read anything they wrote. and knowing he can control all i sometimes am afraid even to have my own thoughts in my head. with his sensitivity i feel i must hide my moods sometimes.

i am okay now. he is in a white phase again and open to eventually watching some nice videos i found related to BPD stuff on youtube by Kati Morton. She has a nice channel. I just watched the emotional abuse video and a few others.

thank you everyone for helping. thank you.  

[pearlsw]

thank you, yes. i did not invalidate the invalid. i tried to help him feel secure instead of worried about abandonment. that is what i mean by validate. i listened past all the garbage he was throwing at me and focused only on his pain. i  was clear as to why i will not give him control of my computer willingly. He made many threats in the past against me and my family and I will not ever give him this kind of control.

He is afraid at times of a divorce, although he is the only one who ever threatens it, never me. The law protects me quite a bit and would make it very expensive for him, this is part of why he makes drastic threats when he wants to break up. When he is like this he wants me to go instantly, out the door, but I can't. The Atlantic Ocean is big. He threatens to "torture" and "destroy" me if I stay when he does not want this... .but he always ends up wanting me to stay and "never leave him."

Tough stuff.

[Meili]

Yeah, the "I hate you, please don't leave me" stuff is hard to deal with. I hate that you're dealing with that.

The threat of "torture" is really alarming. If you haven't already done so, you might want to consider taking a look at =https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=301379.0MOSAIC to assess the domestic violence threat.

I was happy to read that you are not going to allow him that much control over you. Can you get a separate computer to which he does not have access? Then use public Internet locations, or connect to your home network and just not allow him access to that machine.

As once removed said, validation is good and helpful, but so is boundary control. Not allowing him access to your private machine would be a great example of a healthy boundary.

[pearlsw]

Hi Meili,  Thank you for your reply. The torture comment was pretty rough/scary/extreme. Yep. He could not sleep that night and then his thoughts went wild and he woke me up to freak out on me and say mean, scary stuff. It has ruined even my sleep. Fear is always there knowing he will wake me up at anytime just to freak out on me. It took me hours to calm him that night. I really don't know how I do it sometimes, get his mind settled again. Well, I do have some experience taking crisis/hotline calls, but still... .this is much bigger and harder than that. Just when I get one strategy that works one time, the right words, it won't work exactly the same way the next, so it is always highly uncertain I can help return him to baseline. One of the worst things is having to offer sex to someone who is so mean and horrible to you because sex is a trigger for him. He can't go very long without it or he loses his mind completely.  It took me years to finally figure this out and make a plan to deal with it, but oh, is the cost to my dignity/humanity high.

Anyway, I think what he technically meant by "torture" was "make my life a living hell", but using that specific word did give me great pause. I imagine this meant if I didn't agree to a divorce on his terms that he would do things to make my life miserable such as not buy me enough food, or not take me along when he buys food, who knows. Or be mean and rage at me. I was not sure, but even after all he's said I was shocked/horrified. He has threatened divorce a lot over the years, starting two weeks after we were married, but stepped it up a bit earlier this year. We both talked to lawyers and I learned it is not so easy or cheap for him to divorce me in this country if I don't agree to it.

He knows I know the laws in this country better now and that I won't ever agree to one when he is flipping out and in a black phase because he always takes it back and begs me to stay, eventually. He can have one, a divorce, but he has to wait until I can find a good job somewhere in the world and get back on my feet. I sacrificed a lot to be with him, career, friends, family, car, etc. so I try to stand firm that he doesn't get to end things on a sudden whim. There has to be a plan and it has to be fair.

I used to think he could just toss me on the street, I didn't know the laws here, but that is not the case. Part of why he flips out so much is because it is expensive to divorce here. If I agreed to a fast divorce it is $5,000, if I don't agree he has to support me for 2 years and it is $40,000 to file. If we couldn't be under the same roof, he'd have to move out and keep paying everything for me. I had no idea but I am glad there is some protection, but still it is not protection in a way. Even when I've wanted to go to a women's shelter he's threatened me because if I go they will send him the bill, and it is $5,000 a week he said, so I am "not allowed" to do this or else he'll retaliate he says.

So, when he gets into his break up mode and tries to press the divorce button it is because he feels trapped and is lashing out like an animal. But, in all fairness, he brought me into all this and put me in this odd position in life that I find myself in.  Had I realized that this was how he was, he was off and on from the first week I met him, but I thought it was just that he was getting over his last relationship and dealing with the fallout from that or perhaps even just cultural and language differences. He tries to claim he was only ever like this, unstable, since he met me, but that is not true, I am sure. Anyway... .

I have learned that his threats are basically hot air, but still, one never really knows and he is damn convincing and it shakes the foundation of my world every single time. It is not a small thing to threaten a break up and he's done it hundreds of times. It has been traumatizing. What if this time he means it? What if this time he goes through with it? Unfortunately I am a bit stuck financially after years of trying to transition to a normal life here/being an immigrant.  

I don't even have a friend whose home I could go to for a few hours or a day when he is like this as I am in a foreign country... .Well, it if wasn't for my imagination and (mostly) strong spirit I would feel like I was in a prison. And had I known, really known, what it was like to be with someone this jealous and controlling... .I NEVER would have gotten into this. I am not jealous at all so I didn't take it seriously enough, the real, devastating consequences of that kind of mentality.  It all creeped up on me and I excused all the red flags for other things, believed his instability was temporary. Big mistake. And he is so high functioning... .I could never match him to any descriptions of mental illness that I found online, though I was sure there was something very "off" in all I saw from him. Sigh.  

I try my best to hold back, but to be honest, I do try to shame him a bit after he goes back to white for what he says/does in the black phases in the hopes I can disarm each new tool he comes up with before he goes black again. It is a hit or miss strategy, and one I'm trying to move away from for better ones, but it was/is just... .so hard to be with someone treating me so badly and I desperately needed him to acknowledge that this was/is not acceptable at all. Usually I just suffer inside with the horror of what he's said. I am afraid to show my emotions too much because they can set off his imbalance. Sigh. I almost never smile anymore, but even if I do he gets suspicious. He likes to crawl up inside my brain, and almost seems to think he has magical powers to read my mind, and it is unnerving. I am left blanking out my thoughts and expressions at times just to feel safe. I am like this, now that I think about it, in those grey times just before he collapses from a white phase into black. The white phases can be very, very nice, but... .you always now that total devastation is just around the corner, at the drop of a hat. I have to work hard to not be anxious and unnerved and totally defeated.

I am also extremely isolated. I have learned two languages while here, but still manage to have no one to talk to in my daily life! He says I am allowed to have friends, and really seems to mean it, but he is so jealous, and I see now that because of his attachment/abandonment issues that even if I leave the house for a few hours to see a friend (most have moved away now and we were never so close) he has a meltdown... .This actually has impacted my ability to even try to have friends, which sucks and is so wrong, but... .until I can find a safe way out (off in the future) I am stuck with making some horrible compromises in life to deal with his dysregulation.

Oh, and he's a software engineer/programmer/hacker/has a doctorate so he's kind of an evil genius to boot. He can take my computer apart while I'm sleeping anytime he likes and override it. He did this in the past to install software that helped him steal all my passwords and dig through all my old emails from way before I even met him. I shudder to think what else he could do, to my bank accounts, etc. if he wanted to, or whatever else he could dream up.  The few close friends I had back home I've mostly lost too when they heard that he can monitor all they write to me. It freaked them out and then I was afraid to write to anyone or even have a thought in my head after he invaded my privacy like this.

He also controls the phone system (it's all computerized) and so I've been afraid to call any friends or family in my home country for help. I am afraid to contact anyone for help for fear of what he'll do given his threats. I was able to get word out to his sister-in-law that he was doing this and she got him to admit it is wrong, but it hasn't stopped him. Even when he does not monitor all I do, if that is ever the case, all it takes is one threat to shut down my whole world. Also, I can never be certain if his threats against any of us are empty or not, so I am forced basically to keep him happy and not rock the boat. Even when I tried to get help here locally, people ignored me or turned their back on me and I've had to do it in a panic and in a foreign language and with limited time... .he counts the minutes I am ever outdoors so... .he has all paths blocked pretty successfully. It's scary because he demands access to my computer but because I won't give it after all he's said and done and could do, it feeds his paranoia and desire to control me.

I don't validate any of this. Nope. It is a careful balancing. The weird part though, as I write all this is on a good day I can't even believe this is the same person I am talking about. He would not want to be the person I am describing here on the "white" days, but on the "black" days he can and would "justify" anything he does as his right. On the good days I am on a pedestal and he adores me. But this, this is way too far, and too dark and no way to live. I pray I find a safe way out someday. And in the meantime I just hope to have human contact here, while it lasts.

[pearlsw]

Oh and he also, while in a black phase, completely shut down the phone system and internet remotely once so I could not make a phone call or use the internet. I bought an emergency pay as you go phone when he did that, it was very expensive and he hassles me about this phone now so I don't even know what to do when it runs out of minutes. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. It was a waste of money anyway because I don't have anyone in this country to even call with it, and it is too much to call to my home country... .so... .but he thinks he's not abusive. No one truly believes me other than crisis hotline people who tell me to run for my life. If I contrast this with the white phases it almost seems like two people. It has totally messed with my head. I never knew "love" could be so cruel. And leaving someone who holds on to you this tight, and calls you "his dream", won't be an easy proposition either. A whole new challenge to face.

After getting the legal advice I realize I am in sort of a position to have to make this work, if at all possible. So, that is what I do. But I sure hope I get lucky with the lotto someday! Or hit by an asteroid. Or I can make something good happen to get full control over my life again.

[Meili]

It sounds like you are struggling to maintain your boundaries and may actually be rewarding his bad behavior. Does that feel like it fits to you?

[bananas2]

pearl -
I'm so sorry you are going through this. So much to deal with & it sounds like you have a very limited support system.
I have been through much of these same things with my BPDh, although the incidents have been less frequent since he has been in therapy. I empathize with you about the threats. That is scary stuff.

One of the worst things is having to offer sex to someone who is so mean and horrible to you because sex is a trigger for him. He can't go very long without it or he loses his mind completely.  It took me years to finally figure this out and make a plan to deal with it, but oh, is the cost to my dignity/humanity high.

I have regularly been in this situation with my hub. Yes, the cost to dignity is high. Do you have a therapist who you can speak to about this? This is very traumatic and a professional might be able to help you through it. If he takes issue with you going to a therapist, maybe you could tell him it has nothing to do with him and that you are just very stressed right now and need a little help? I wouldn't normally advocate dishonesty in a partnership, but this seems like a matter of preserving your mental health.

Re: your computer privacy - Do you have access to a library? They may have public computers there that you can use?

[Tattered Heart]

I know how nerve wracking it is worrying that your pwBPD will find your account. I know my H would see it as a huge violation of trust and would be very upset to see the things I wrote.

One thing I did was create a completely anonymous email account. I did not add the account to any saved emails. I don't get notifications for the account on any device. It basically does not exist on any of my devices. I only use it for this site. I don't use a username that has ever been associated with myself.

I usually only get on the site while at work. If I do get on this site from my phone (like now) then I delete all history or use the private browsing session.

[pearlsw]

Nah. I came into to this with, and still have, pretty healthy boundaries. I think in a white phase even he, in principle, would agree with most of them. Coming from different cultures and having different native languages is also a factor. The deal is in a black phase all normal thinking goes out the window. You can put up all the boundaries you want, but if Godzilla lives in your neighborhood, he’s bound to breathe a lot of fire and knock ‘em down, leaving a lot of destruction in his wake. If he does this every week or two rebuilding before the next razing of the place gets harder and harder, but the (or at least my) human spirit naturally tries to resist and rebuild. That’s how I see it. No rewarding of bad behavior, just survival.

[Radcliff]

Pearlsw,

To solve the email problem I have a second gmail account my wife does not know about.  I rarely check it, but it gives me a place to have bpdfamily emails go.  Make sure to delete browser history, remove it from the gmail login screen, etc.  make sure you won't forget the password and he won't figure it out.

[pearlsw]

Wait, you mean sex as a reward? Oh no. Sex is his trigger, well, one of them. He literally loses his mind, I kid you not, if he does not get it. A lot. It is a lot of pressure. Other women and I have spoken about this trigger on here, some of us deal with this. It is not a reward, it is part of helping him stay emotionally regulated. He feels such an intense sense of rejection that I have had to learn to rethink it and find a way to still love him. Doing this reframing is actually one of the best strategies I’ve come up with!

[pearlsw]

Oh wow. So many nice new messages I didn't see yet! I live in a small village. Lots of cows and farms, but no therapist handy. This site is the closest to therapy I'll get but I am okay. Glad to be able to run here to people who understand. Last time I tried to do therapy, in home country, (to get over 1 measly break up!) the therapist asked me out on a date, etc. and I had to report him to his licensing board so a little reluctant. Plus I tend to feel objectified because they are usually from different cultures and they don't always handle my ability to be "articulate" in the most helpful ways. I have health insurance, but like home country, can't afford to use it. And here I have language and transportation barriers. I've been looking online, but money is tight. So far this is helping. I want a support system of peers like there is here. That's enough for me. Thanks for email tips, but he is far more clever than I'll ever be. He's a hacker. And no free libraries here like home country. Nothing is free, it's how they got so rich here I am sure.  Just wish I had a friend or two here, but until that day comes again... .just reading and relaxing when I can. Ya'll are the best! Thanks for such kindness and caring! (And this torture threat was in early May. He's only broken up 3 or 4 times since then. I had one whole good month and half which was longest stretch ever!)

[Meili]

Wait, you mean sex as a reward? Oh no. Sex is his trigger, well, one of them. He literally loses his mind, I kid you not, if he does not get it. A lot. It is a lot of pressure. Other women and I have spoken about this trigger on here, some of us deal with this. It is not a reward, it is part of helping him stay emotionally regulated. He feels such an intense sense of rejection that I have had to learn to rethink it and find a way to still love him. Doing this reframing is actually one of the best strategies I’ve come up with!

So, let me see if I understand this:

1. He wants to have sex
2. You don't
3. He feels rejected and dysregulates
4. You give in and have sex with him

Is that about how it goes?

If that is the case, can you see that you are rewarding his bad behavior by giving him what he wants when he dysregulates? We teach others how to treat us. This teaches him that in order to get what he wants, all that he has to do is dysregulate. It reinforces the behavior.

Perhaps there is a way that you can reteach him? Maybe you can help him learn to self-soothe little by little so that you can maintain your boundary on this subject better? Can you validate his feelings of rejection and teach him that you are not going anywhere without giving in to his demands? I think that is the key here.

And, it isn't just the sex that rewards the bad behavior. It looks like, from an outsider point of view, and I'll happily be wrong about this, that he has learned that all that he has to do is dysregulate and threaten to end the relationship and he gets what he wants. Does that seem to fit?

[pearlsw]

Hi Meili,

With all due respect, nope, doesn't fit. I am not teaching him bad behavior. For many years, I enforced this standard relationship boundary in a standard way for two nons. If he upset me when in a black phase, by being particularly mean, and it took me awhile to recover from it, and I wasn't up for having sex with him when he was ready again, this could lead to further problems but I still held the line. Or if it was just a normal day of life and I was not interested in sex because for me it was just one more piece of stress on top of others (and I was not into it) I gradually found I could not simply turn him down for sex like I might have in all past relationships or his reactions would be quite extreme. I had never experienced this kind of behavior from any man. All previous partners had what I perceived then as the mental and emotional "maturity" and understanding to handle having to wait an hour, day, few days, or a week for sex. (I can wait as well and it doesn't phase me. I can deal with it.) I thought that was what it was about, and I never gave in. I tried to have what I understood then as typical boundaries. You be respectful and you simply wait for sex and you deal with it, especially if you were horrible and caused a major problem.

With time, with this fella and his mental health issues, I started to notice that he would literally lose his mind if turned down for sex. This of course became an issue. We talked about it, and tried to sort it out, but his behaviors still bothered me (I didn't know what his mental illness was but I suspected he had one) and I still tightly held this boundary. It just didn't seem right *not* to hold the boundary. I'm a feminist and pretty clear on my beliefs about sex and intimacy. But after awhile I started to notice this was actually some kind of trigger for him, something more unique and serious was happening with this for him than for anyone I'd ever known. I could not bring the typical kind of analysis (and my own response behaviors) to this dilemma that one "normally" would. I had to reinterpret it.

I realized that for him this was a trigger. It represented for him a highly intense emotional disconnection and boom you'd get massive emotional dysregulation. I am certain I am not the only woman on this board who deals with this kind of thing. He'd like sex 5 times a day, every day, if he could have it. (That was one of the early clues I had to recognize that there was a mental health issue. This seemingly heightened/insatiable sex drive.) That much sex might happen once or twice a year, but that's not gonna happen on regular basis.

Although I am not able to have the kind of sexual satisfaction I want every single time I am willing to have intimacy in order to prevent his total emotional meltdowns. You haven't seen his total meltdowns. You'd have sex with him too to avoid them. I'm actually kidding a little, can't help it as this is all so odd to put out there/rationalize/explain to a stranger, but just trying to make a point here... .(really for the benefit of any other woman in the same jam and trying to sort this out am I willing to put this stuff out there.) I should say this was another phase on this journey of understanding his unusual responses to these issues and super charged sex drive. I didn't have it in me to just give him what he wants to get him off my back. That might get you out of a jam once or twice, but I could not/would not do that as a way of life. (That sounds like Dr. Seuss and gives me a chuckle. )

Anyway, with time I began to reconceptualize what I was seeing in his behavior. He wasn't some jerk pressuring me for sex and blowing up into a monster when he didn't get his way as I suspected. No one would want to reward that kind of bad behavior. But the fact is he will literally lose his mind if he does not have this connection so I let him have a connection. That is at the heart of this sex issue we've had. With understanding came compassion, with compassion came a strategy to solve the problem instead of let it just go on and on and on creating an even bigger swath of damage.

Is he getting the best most mind-blowing sex every time under such a scenario? Nope. But he can have a connection so that he does not totally fall apart. That I am willing to do. It's a compromise. It is simply not worth it to me, after lots of trial and error, to let him feel massively rejected. I would not feel that way in his position, but the reality of the situation is that he does and I care about that although I cannot personally relate. I have compassion for his emotions and compassion for his inability to regulate them as I can/do. I don't want to "reject" him, and I am not trying to. Rationally he understands that, but emotionally he cannot and his emotions over ride everything at times. I *do* want to be/feel respected, but a standard rejection/respect analysis is too narrow of a way to see this in my book.

This reconceptualization has actually helped to save our sex life and intimacy. He is actually very happy and even thrilled at times. If I was always "punishing" him and "rewarding" him with sex, which is he how he would experience what I consider a normal sexual relationship with it's typical times you want it and times you don't, he could not handle it. (I mean to say, I never used "sex as weapon" in any past relationship, and almost never said "no" to it in my life prior to this dynamic developed with him due to his extreme black and white behavior patterns and how much it devastated me. And I do not intend to use sex as a weapon now. I simply didn't/don't want it as much as he wants it anymore because when he goes into a black phase and is mean to me I really don't want it that much. Being mean damages attraction. For me the connection gets broken and it takes me awhile to want him near me again. But breaking the emotional connection for him and inadvertently letting him slip into this black phase when I could reach out a hand and keep him from falling over this cliff into an abyss would also be wrong for us now that I recognize this for the health issue it is. He is humanly incapable of experiencing those kinds of boundaries and responses from me as "normal" because of his illness related emotional sensitivities.)  Sex is medicine for him, emotional life or death, and I give him the medicine.

So, this reconceptualization on my part has helped him and myself. Your average person probably would, I know I did in the past, see him as simply an awful, greedy, selfish, demanding, emotionally insensitive (to me) jerk. But now I don't see him as a jerk who is just mean and mistreating me and then demanding sex, that would not work. Instead I treat him with compassion and see him as someone who is expressing a desire for a connection, a naked hug if you will. That I can give him. I see his emotional pain, that he is a suffering being. It is better to keep the connection, in order to forestall more anger or emotional dysregulation. I am absolutely convinced of this and the results speak for themselves. He stays more balanced, he doesn't complain about sex anymore (I never heard any man complain about sex prior to this. Ever.), he is not deeply emotionally wounded. I am able to stay connected to him as well. I also do this during arguments. I don't tell him to go to hell, no matter what he says, I always reach a hand out and invite him to speak to me in calmer tones and I listen to his feelings, listen past the nastiness to the emotions and pain and I respond to that. I keep the connection available to him instead of do anything he could perceive as rejection, if I can help it. It's the best I can do with this pile of confusion.

I guess it is a bit like the parent who tries to parent with a certain set of rules and then they find that that set of rules just doesn't fit with a certain kid on a certain issue. So, a reframing is in order. My reframing helped his mental health and it helped my own. It made it easier to continue to have feelings of love and intimacy for him when it would have been very easy to just see him a massive jerk who didn't deserve my physical attention.

Am I getting all I want from my sex life? Am I blissfully happy? Nope. But it is the least of my problems. Where am I at sexually? I've already had enough great sex in life to last for the rest of my life and I'm fine with that. Sometimes I do have very satisfying sex. It took years to work through this issue with him and find some way to balance our very different emotional needs. Also, while I love sex, I am not lacking sex and would not feel like I was missing out on it if I never had it again at this point. That is one upside of aging for me personally and it's awesome. I'm set either way. Where it is not awesome, aging I mean, is that I am under a massive amount of stress as an aging immigrant in a tiny job market I don't quite fit into. Until I have well compensated full-time work I'm never gonna be able to have 100% stress free sex. Period. So, instead of waiting for that day (which may never come) I live with life as it is now and make the best of it. Lemonade.

[pearlsw]

Hi everyone, Thanks to all for your comments and interest in offering support/help/insights/asking challenging questions. All is appreciated. It’s funny. The sudden replies to this old post sort of hit me out the blue. I deal with a very black and white world, and with all I go through it has become hard for me even now to relate to the black phases when I am not immediately living through them. Perhaps this is my own mind’s way of being gentle with me and preserving me. It’s been white for a few days now, but almost slipped into black yesterday. He managed to control himself/his thoughts/anger without much support from me (I was driving at the time) so that was nice.

North wrote:

"Pearl,

You shouldn't be going through any of this. It's quite worrying stuff.

My situation is terrible and on the verge of divorce but my suspected BPD wife is nowhere near that level in terms of controlling, scaring you etc.

The more I read your posts I don't quite know how you manage, you're so much more tolerant than I am.

But I also worry that you're not firm enough / possibly enabling some of the behaviour. Hope that doesn't sound at all mean, it's not intended to be. But I know that I don't have your patience and I've contributed to the hole that I'm in. But I just can't lie down and take it all the time, I wish I had your strength and patience. But should life be this way? Is this what we're here for and should we put up with it?

My mind often tells me one thing but my heart another. Tomorrow is another day, let's see what if it brings some hope"



Thank you for your kind/gentle words. smiley I don’t know if I am tolerant, but I do know my personality is just a few steps from being a zen monk so that helps. In fact, that is sort of my long term dream -  to live out the end of my days in a buddhist monastery. We’ll see. smiley

I’ve had some of those, “oh geez am I an enabler or co-dependent?” moments over the years, but nothing I’ve read  about it has ever captured how I feel. I don’t feel disempowered though I have certainly at times felt despondent. It is a mindf—. I haven’t written out the entire history of the highs and lows on this sex stuff. Who knows, if this thread keeps going, I may get there! smiley But I have adopted a “if you can’t change your situation change your attitude approach.” It’s cheap and easy and fast and it doesn’t play into a black and white version/construct where he’s “bad” (an abuser) and I’m “good” (a victim) and instead is about what can I do with this when it presents itself whether he helps or not. 

I’m not gonna spend one minute beating myself up over it if I am making mistakes here and there with it. It’s challenging and confusing as f—.  smiley But I am not a doormat for anyone and I am able to stand up for myself, but yes, this tsunami of unregulated emotions (his), ain’t easy to make sense of or have a consistent, rational, reasonable approach to. I am actually quite proud of myself for nailing a bit of the jello to the ground here and making any sense of this at all and being creative in approaching it when at all possible. I don’t want to end up f-ed up by it. I like me. Always have. smiley And I refuse to believe I asked for this or allow it. I don’t. smiley I can’t in every instance get him to magically regulate his emotions. I wish I could. I would do that magic in an instant! I can’t do what I feel isn’t right - have sex with a total (insert curse word here). But if I can break it down into the real issue I can find a more peaceful and pleasant response. But that doesn’t mean my own mind won’t slip back into another, earlier version of what I thought was going on. That he was just a horrible person who was mean and constantly hitting me up for sex and paying no attention to my emotions. That is not a reality I want to live in. The reality is he does care how I feel, and he doesn’t  want to have sex with me if I don’t love him or can’t stand him. The reality also is he needs more of a physical connection (or he will eventually dysregulate) and I don’t anywhere nearly as much. I haven’t even touched on the religious and cultural aspects of this for him. Whole other level of complexity and…more issues. smiley Issues, issues, issues. smiley

Great questions. “Should life be this way?” etc. A touch of buddhism helps me not wait for a better life in some far off future, or even think it gets any better than this. Life is in the present and it is what it is. And believe me, I’m no religious “zealot” or I’d already be in that monastery, but I like the tools and they have made life livable for me in the worst of circumstances over the years. smiley Every day is a new day full of fresh possibilities for a better life. No waiting. Thank you for the hope and good, good company on this journey. smiley

And bananas2 thank you too for your sweetness! How kind you are! You wrote, “this seems like a matter of preserving your mental health.” Indeed! smiley I wish I had a therapist/support system. I could really use someone to bounce this stuff off and to offer some skills training and insights. Short of that it’s just me and the peers here for now, but I am so grateful for this because it is more accessible and I think unless people have lived this it is just something in a textbook. And I find the textbooks don’t fit with BPD. There is a lot spilling out around the edges. I should also say that my partner’s brother has schizophrenia, that is one reason it was not hard for me early on to suspect mental illness. I just had no idea which one/ones. But it also made it hard for him to admit to it, because of fears/“stigma”, though he finally did. There was just to much evidence to believe otherwise. But, I am with you! I’d like to focus on me and my recovery from all this. I don’t want to be so preoccupied with his well-being that I neglect my own. I’ll get there. Somehow! smiley Thank you so much! 

[Meili]

I meant no disrespect pearlsw. Also, I did not mean to insinuate that you use sex as a weapon. To the contrary, I was suggesting just the opposite of that. Not having sex when you do not want to have sex is not the same thing as withholding sex as a punishment. It's an act of self-respect and self-care.

But, as you have clarified, and thank you for the clarification, it isn't the case that you do not want to have sex with him, so the topic is moot.