I've alienated my parents and brothers - don't know what to say?

[DaddyBear77]

Hi everyone,

I am the husband of a person with BPD and NPD traits. I've posted here a few times in the past but in a nutshell, for the past 17 years or so, I've pushed and pulled my parents and my brothers into and out of drama between myself and my wife. 4 years ago my uBPDw and I had a daughter. Right before D4 was born, my wife declared that my parents and brothers were to have absolutely no contact with our daughter. Furthermore, I was to stop having any contact as well. This began a cycle of telling my parents "sorry I can't talk to you" and then secretly reestablishing contact. I ended the cycle about a year and a half ago, and now I talk to my parents fairly regularly, and my brothers less often. Still to this day they have had no more than 2 physical visits and a few FaceTime visits with D4. I send them pictures as often as I can.

As parents and siblings who have been affected by someone like me, who is married to someone with BPD, what would you most want to see happen with your son or daughter to help heal and repair the damage that this kind of dynamic has caused?

I know this is hard but I want to be a good son and I want to repair this so I hope you can offer some good advice here.

Thank you everyone.

~DaddyBear77

[flourdust]

You could come clean with them and apologize. Does that work for you?

Let me take a step back and highlight a phrase from your post:  I want to repair this

Full stop. Fixer behavior. The same sort of impulse that has kept you neck-deep in BPD FOG with your wife, yes?

You know the hard truth here: you can't "fix" a relationship. You can't heal someone else. You can own your responsibility, make restitution, and commit to doing better in the future.

You should own that you cut off your family and engaged them in push-pull dynamics, limiting their relationship with your kid. That's on you, even though you did it under pressure from your wife.

You can apologize for that. You can try to make restitution by telling them your story. You can commit to doing better by keeping communications open and providing more opportunities to bond with D4.

That's all you can do.

[GaGrl]

Be authentic and vulnerable, open to listening to them. They may want to say how much your behavior hurt them over the years.

You might want to ask for their help and support in your current with and decision-making.

[Notwendy]

I have experienced this as the adult daughter of a mother with BPD who has alienated relatives from me.

I have had one relative on her side try to make contact with me.

First, I would say- the door is open- I didn't close it, this person did.

At the time he did, I was hurt, shocked and went through a period of grief.

Then, I was angry. I loved and trusted this person. I thought he was my family member. I didn't understand how he could just cut me off like that.

When I first heard from him, I was guarded. Was this a set up? Would we reconnect and then, would he just do it again? I wasn't ready to just pretend nothing happened.

He has not been forthcoming or told me the reasons he did it. I don't expect that- he's a part of my mother's family and I think the family patterns of not doing that are there.

So what would it take?

As others have stated: Come clean, apologize, be authentic, be vulnerable.

I will add- be patient and consistent. Allow them to have their feelings- anger, hurt, grief- those are real and they felt it. I think repair is possible, but it may take some time, just like any relationship repair would take time. If they are hurt and angry, understand it is because of their love for you. But I also think this is worth trying- for your benefit at least. If they don't want to resume the relationship- that is their choice. I think the risk of trying to repair it on your part is worth it.

[Notwendy]

I would also add- be compassionate and recognize dysfunction in yourself and family members - in a gentle and understanding way.

There is a reason we choose dysfunctional partners- and in some way, our partners have "matched" us. If we have grown out of co-dependency - when we are with the family unit that we grew up in- we may be introduced to those patterns again.

When you contact them- there are going to be a lot of feelings- on your part and their part.

One of the results of the family alienation is that I did personal work on co-dependency. So this family member who contacted me again- contacted me after I had done some personal work. The good part is that I was able to accept the gesture without the hurt and resentment that I was dealing with in the beginning. ( I don't deny that I felt it- but I did not respond as "victim" on the drama triangle).  However, I also don't fit well in the family patterns and so the relationship may take a different course. It could be better, or he may be uncomfortable with it. I don't wish to relate to my family in the same way I did before.

The drama triangle is a very pervasive pattern. Your family members may go into Victim mode. "How could you do this to us". The hurt and anger they may be feeling ( along with being happy to hear from you) are legitimate. How your family handles these feelings may be through the drama triangle. You may need to stay calm while they express their feelings.

I think the same skills as dealing with someone with BPD can apply. Don't JADE- even if tempted to. Simply apologize, be authentic, be vulnerable and let them have their feelings.

I think any relationship requires accepting others as where they are. Then, see how it goes.

I think it is great that you are willing to try to reconnect and this opens a lot of possibilities for good.

[Sunfl0wer]

I think what pains me most baout seeing someone I love in a relationship with a dysfunctional dynamic... .

Is the loss.
I miss the person they were.
I may sometimes see glimmers of the person they once were, before their sense of Self and values got erroded.

Imo, best thing they can do is... .
Re examine their values and boundaries and regain their footing on who they are.
Quit changing who they are cause they feel held hostage by someone else and they are dependent on the acceptance of someone else and trying to be someone they are not.

Cause really, I just miss who they are... .
And sure people change... .
But when I really love someone... .
I can tell if they are being authentic and loving and compassionate to themself, or if they are in a constant state of being who someone else feels they aught to be... .vs someone who realizes they have autonomy.

[Notwendy]

Well said Sunflower.

Also from our perspective- naively stepping in to "rescue" that person puts us into the drama triangle- and we risk losing the relationship altogether.  ( as the pwBPD takes "Victim" position and the person we care about steps into rescue them- against us).

Unfortunately, our wanting love and attention from the person we care about can be perceived as competition from the pw BPD. It puts the person we care about in a difficult situation as their relationship partner can then urge them to take sides and choose between the relationship and their family members.

For the person in the relationship with a pwBPD- if a relationship is important to you- please take a stand for it even if your partner may not like it.

[DaddyBear77]

I think what pains me most baout seeing someone I love in a relationship with a dysfunctional dynamic... .

Is the loss.
I miss the person they were.
... .

Imo, best thing they can do is... .
Re examine their values and boundaries and regain their footing on who they are.

Thank you Sunflower - these are the words of wisdom and experience I have been looking for.