He is Dr. Frankenstein & I am the monster he's created. Thoughts on PTSD.

[bananas2]

Funny how many horror movies/books get referenced on this forum: ":)r. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde," "The Exorcist," etc. I'm going to add another: "Frankenstein."
My BPDhub has been in therapy for over a year now and is doing better. Not great, but better. And believe me, I'm grateful, bc I'll take "better" every single time. Problem is that it seems as he gets better, I've gotten worse. I know, it seems strange. But similar to military veterans (and my hub is one), the trauma symptoms don't present during war, but rather after the fighting has ceased... .
In the course of our first 2 years of marriage he has beaten me, threatened me, coerced me into doing things I didn't want to do, bullied me, gaslighted me, lied to me, cheated on me with multiple prostitutes, spent thousands of dollars on gambling, put a tracer on my phone, stalked me, nearly got us evicted from our home, snooped my phone, and got arrested. For the very most part, bc of therapy, those behaviors have ended, thank God. But now I feel this immense sense of agitation & anger. Maybe bc I'm no longer so afraid - I'm no longer in "survival mode."
So now I find myself with a diagnosis of PTSD. I'm constantly angry at everything he does. I'm filled with resentment for all that he has done and how he seems to have such little remorse ("Hey, I said I'm sorry! Get over it!". I try to explain to him that now I'm suffering the post-trauma of his abuse. He seems to care very little about that.
I am constantly lashing out at him now due my post-trauma and intense resentment. Now I'm the "bad guy."
Anyone else feeling like a monster created from the actions of the years of abusive behaviors at the hands of a pwBPD?

[Xanadu]

I am constantly lashing out at him now due my post-trauma and intense resentment. Now I'm the "bad guy."
Anyone else feeling like a monster created from the actions of the years of abusive behaviors at the hands of a pwBPD?

I probably could be considered a "monster" by my BPDH, I haven't gotten to the lashing out phase, I am super passive/aggressive. I do little things to get back at him, like ignore him totally and communicate with him as little as possible and find ways/excuses to not be around him. I think it is better to express your feelings than to repress them. But of course there are some ways that are better than others in doing so.

I just came upon a discussion about empathy that may or may not be the answer you are looking for but I especially appreciated the comment at the very bottom of the feed... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=210574.msg12327013

"It's a matter of desire and practice, I think.  You have to be at a place where you sincerely want to improve a relationship with someone you love, but who has caused you real pain and heartache in the past. 

It's especially hard to be empathetic when you are still processing the problems of the past, or working through your own strong feelings of anger, resentment or other emotional pain. But working through these feelings is worth the effort, both for the relationship and for yourself.

For me, it's hard to feel a lot of empathy for my wife when I feel things aren't fair to me somehow.  My natural inclination isn't to "put myself in their shoes," its to think "here we go again."  But, that's really just me choosing to focus on myself at that moment."

[Sunfl0wer]

Think Roxzan shared some excellent points!

Way I think of it is... .
We are all responsible for our responses/reactions/choices and feelings. 
(I also have PTSD)

Also, idk if you have done any reading on Radical Acceptance... .
It is accepting your partner for who they are, completely and fully.

If you are with someone with a PD, it is very likely that he has never been too attentive to what you are coping with unless it served a purpose for him.
So just cause you feel he should take some responsibility and the damage is his fault, does not make him more emotionally competent nor emotionally available.

Not saying I blame you for the anger.
I also felt like when things were calm... .felt a rage inside of me at times. Pretty much how you explained it.  Yet, after the fact, looking back... .I think I was truely angry at myself and not forgiving myself for allowing myself to not be treated so well... and continuing on.  I think in the end, was actually pissed at me for compromising so much of me for him... .yet... .those were in fact my own choices I was mad at... .resenting him over what I had done... .I had stayed through what I felt was unimaginable and wanted my investment to finally be fruitful.  Idk, just what I discovered for me.  Everyone is diff tho I suppose.

[Panshekay]

Wow... .well this certainly explains me and my husband... .and I'm not on this site for us. What you said and how you explained it was an eye opener... .this is me!  I couldn't figure it out, I just thought I was getting older and B****y. I am free spirited, my husband is methodical and like rules.  He likes control, I don't. Now this makes perfect sense! I have to be very responsible at work but when I get home I don't want to follow anyone's rules... I am 61 for goodness sakes!   PTS from how he has treated me in the past. Plus my dad molested me as a child and I never told my mom until I was 50! ... .

I was the adoring wife who did what ever he wanted to do for 20 years, dont get me wrong... .he was never physically abusive or mean to me, just very controlling. I don't need another boss or father and even when he tries to be gentle when he tells me something that I'm not doing right I flip out... .I feel like I turn into a monster... .thank you for sharing this. I am going to think about this and share it with my counselor. Honestly I never even considered something like this.

[Panshekay]

Sunfl0wer, I agree... .maybe I am just mad at myself for allowing him to have so much control over me in the past... .maybe I am just angry at myself!  Thank you! 

[Radcliff]

My BPDhub has been in therapy for over a year now and is doing better. Not great, but better. And believe me, I'm grateful, bc I'll take "better" every single time.

Hooray for better!  I'm happy for you both!

In the course of our first 2 years of marriage he has beaten me, threatened me, coerced me into doing things I didn't want to do, bullied me, gaslighted me, lied to me, cheated on me with multiple prostitutes, spent thousands of dollars on gambling, put a tracer on my phone, stalked me, nearly got us evicted from our home, snooped my phone, and got arrested.

What a terrible set of experiences to have to go through.  I'm so glad things have improved for you.  I know that in the days after my wife is violent or we have a really abusive blowout with intentional sleep deprivation or other shenanigans (which thankfully is not that often) I'm shaky and on edge.  I'll snap at my wife easily, and then when things get better, I'll want her to take some responsibility, and get no satisfaction on that, of course.  I used to be an ambulance medic, and what I feel with this is actually a few times worse than what I experienced from that.  What you're describing totally and utterly makes sense.  Give it time.  Time doesn't fix everything, but it surely helps.  And while you're waiting for you to feel better, be patient (with him and yourself) and enjoy the improvements

[Tattered Heart]

Anger is a symptom that something needs to change. It is a secondary emotion that is caused by another emotion. If you can figure out what that emotion is, you may begin to heal.

It's natural after experiencing so much abuse that you would feel angry though. You had control of your life taken from you and the normal reaction is to be angry. But with anger, comes forgiveness. Your H is getting help and as you said things are much better.

Forgiveness is a choice. He did a lot of bad thing to you. But in order for the past, the anger, and the bitterness to stop destroying you, you have to choose to forgive him. Forgiveness doesn't mean that things have to go back to the way they were. It doesn't mean you have to forget what happened. It doesn't even mean that he deserves to be forgiven. What forgiveness means is that you will no longer allow him control over your emotions or your life because of the things he did to you in the past. You will choose to live in today. If you are unable to do this on your own, finding a counselor or someone that can help you walk through this might help.

[waverider]

In the moment you are distracted by a drive to survive the issue of the day. Once you have a breathing space you have the time to reflect on the bigger picture, and start to grasp the enormity of how much of your life was being wasted. This builds resentment and anger, not just of your partner directly, but also at yourself for putting up with it, which your further project on to your partner.

Typically it shows in passive aggressive behaviour, which furthers the feeling of guilt and self blame.

It is a kind of venting, and emotional processing, and will most likely start to subside as the logical part of the mind starts to catch up with the triggered emotional side. Bringing you back to a more balanced reality

[pearlsw]

"Anyone else feeling like a monster created from the actions of the years of abusive behaviors at the hands of a pwBPD?"

Yes, a bit. Whew! I tell ya. This has shaken me to the core of my humanity. I had no idea what I was going through in this relationship for the longest time. I was really off track in my early internet research because while he was behaving awfully he somehow did not quite fit into anything I was reading on these topics and I didn't know how to place it. And since I didn't have time to research and read up on a whole other field of study to figure out how it worked, as best as a layperson can, and decide "once and for all" how to make sense of this utter madness I was almost completely in the dark.

Yes, it affected me. I ended up doing things in my life I NEVER in a million years thought I would do. It has damaged me greatly, and brought a level of danger and fear into my life I never anticipated in my worst dreams. Hell on Earth. But I am working through it all, alone and by looking around here and watching videos and trying to cheer myself up. Although this has beaten me down greatly, and he has gotten me to lose my temper after literally a decade or more of not doing such a thing before I met him, sigh... .I refuse to be wrecked by this, or changed forever beyond the nice, simple person I was when this all started.

I have been devastated at times. He has nearly pushed me over the edge. I have felt so hopeless and lost and desperate and at the end of my life... .But somehow... .somehow... .I am pushing on with all I have left in me. I do not want to be defeated by this illness, his illness. And I do not want my health ruined because of it. It is daily work.

I do all I can to find joy in the smallest things. I sing songs to myself when I walk to the train to go to work... .and enjoy every wildflower I see. I try to be mad more at the illness than at him. I keep most of my rage inside, instead of direct it at him, until I can let pieces of it go little by little. There is no point in raging at him in any way.

Like most of us here I have shocking stories of things he's said and done that I will carry with me my whole life, but it reminds me now of a picture I saw yesterday of a lion with all these scars on it, and something about being proud of your scars because they are signs you survived whatever was trying to kill you.

I wish you peace as you navigate your way on this journey.

[bananas2]

... .I think I was truely angry at myself and not forgiving myself for allowing myself to not be treated so well... and continuing on.  I think in the end, was actually pissed at me for compromising so much of me for him... .yet... .those were in fact my own choices I was mad at... .resenting him over what I had done... .I had stayed through what I felt was unimaginable and wanted my investment to finally be fruitful.

This builds resentment and anger, not just of your partner directly, but also at yourself for putting up with it, which your further project on to your partner.

Funny, I never even considered that at least part of my anger is at myself. This helps me have a different perspective, and one that I can discuss with my therapist.

Thank you all for your feedback.