The Dreaded charm...HELP

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hey everyone hope you are all holding up okay!

This is my Second Post. It's been 2 months of NC with my uBPDx, and boom I get the dreaded charm. I just had a gut feeling that I would hear from her today, when low and behold i'm sitting on my couch, relaxed watching a good TV show on the tele and i get a text message from her that she also forwarded to my Facebook messenger. I honestly did not care to block her because I've been so busy trying to stay focused on building a career for myself. Anyway the message said this... .

"I wish I still had you... you are definitely one of the best people I've ever come across in my existence. I'm sorry my ways* got in the way of us being close/ continuing this relationship... .I just want to let you know that days like this, I miss you."

I'm not sure if this is a recycle attempt, it sure seems like it. I'm currently analyzing my emotions and i feel

1. Kind of relieved that she has not "forgotten about me... "
2. Very skeptical because I've researched a lot about BPD comorbid with NPD.
3. Upset that things have to be this way.
4. Anxious... .I really want to tell her i Miss her too, although i really don't think i want her in my life anymore.

I know that until she get therapy, things will most likely never change. I know she's capable of introspection because she has called me in the middle of the night crying saying "Why do i feel so empty and alone, and why can't I just be normal." She has told me multiple times that she wants to get help.She went to a therapist once and they told her she seemed like she was BPD, but an official diagnostic was not presented. Instead she was prescribed Lithium. She was on it for a short while before she stopped taking it, saying that "She felt numb and not alive on it."

I'm starting to go off on a rant, but i don't know what to do guys... .should i reply or just leave it? :/

[T-riddle]

Hey everyone hope you are all holding up okay!

This is my Second Post. It's been 2 months of NC with my uBPDx, and boom I get the dreaded charm. I just had a gut feeling that I would hear from her today, when low and behold i'm sitting on my couch, relaxed watching a good TV show on the tele and i get a text message from her that she also forwarded to my Facebook messenger. I honestly did not care to block her because I've been so busy trying to stay focused on building a career for myself. Anyway the message said this... .

"I wish I still had you... you are definitely one of the best people I've ever come across in my existence. I'm sorry my ways* got in the way of us being close/ continuing this relationship... .I just want to let you know that days like this, I miss you."

I'm not sure if this is a recycle attempt, it sure seems like it. I'm currently analyzing my emotions and i feel

1. Kind of relieved that she has not "forgotten about me... "
2. Very skeptical because I've researched a lot about BPD comorbid with NPD.
3. Upset that things have to be this way.
4. Anxious... .I really want to tell her i Miss her too, although i really don't think i want her in my life anymore.

I know that until she get therapy, things will most likely never change. I know she's capable of introspection because she has called me in the middle of the night crying saying "Why do i feel so empty and alone, and why can't I just be normal." She has told me multiple times that she wants to get help.She went to a therapist once and they told her she seemed like she was BPD, but an official diagnostic was not presented. Instead she was prescribed Lithium. She was on it for a short while before she stopped taking it, saying that "She felt numb and not alive on it."

I'm starting to go off on a rant, but i don't know what to do guys... .should i reply or just leave it? :/

[T-riddle]

Auto correct keeps putting Charm in my post, i mean to say H o o v e r

[Turkish]

What would you get out of replying?

I got similar apologies after she regretted leaving me for her current husband.  I granted her forgives,  for her,  but also for me.  Her reaching out was very invalidating to me given that she married her affair partner.  As my T, no fan of my ex, said.  "There's nothing wrong with being kind." Kindness is ok,  but so are boundaries. Enough is enough. 

[Fishmedic]

T-riddle
 
I recieved a similar message 2 weeks ago yesterday... . 
 
I replied, short, simple, no emotion. 
 
She sent me multiple messages, and has began showing up regulary at the gym, while i'm there, only to avoid me and not look at me. Yesterday i confronted her about her behaviour, as i then ran into her at the market, after she walked circles around me at the gym 10x. Now she's theeatening a restraining order and tried to get her new White Knight to come "take care of me". 
 
I now wish i didn't reply. Nothing changes with these people, it only escalates. I now have to switch gyms and alter my daily routine because of HER hovering ME! Save yourself the trouble. It takes 2 people to hover or recycle. You hold the power right now. My emotions have been a whirlwind the last couple weeks since she's reached out. Set my healing back for sure.

[once removed]

Auto correct keeps putting Charm in my post, i mean to say H o o v e r

this will help explain: goo.gl/P4qIa

it will also help explain what may be motivating factors driving her to reach out in this manner, and help you examine what yours may be regarding whatever you decide to do or not do.

the central point is that relationship recycling takes two willing participants. right now, i would take what she sent you at face value. its a very vulnerable statement from her, that says she has regrets and misses you; this is relatively common after bad relationship endings. beyond that, whether she wants to get back together, we cant know. if you want to get back together, i strongly encourage you to explore this on the Saving board. we can help.

if you have no interest in getting back together, then whether she does or not has no influence on your direction here.

your question is whether or not you should reply, and the answer entirely and solely depends on your motivations. want to get back together? you should reply. want to thank her for the gesture and release with grace? you should reply. both replies would look very different. not sure? sit on it for a bit. emotionally raw when it comes to any contact? you should sit on it for longer and you may decide to reply or not.

what outcome would you like to see here? we can help.

[formflier]

Introspection is good, there is hope there... .if you are interested.


Start with you.  If you are done... .or still done.  Move along.

If there is interest... .then we can help you craft a message that shows interest... .and invites further introspection and action on her part to take the relationship to a different place.

While I don't know particulars of your story, generally not a good idea to expect a different outcome in a recycle UNLESS you are getting dramatically different actions from your pwBPD.  Actions towards a healthier relationship. 

Said another way... .words are almost always hollow.

perhaps...   "I was thinking of you was well when I stopped by (name a place you both enjoyed) to savor a memory of us.  If you have any thoughts about how to move beyond the things that separate us I'm interested in listening."

Leave it very open ended... .don't suggest ANY course of action for you to take... .other than listen and consider.

Thoughts?

FF

[T-riddle]

Thanks everyone for the feedback and support, it definitely means a lot to me  . In a moment of vulnerability I responded and this is what I wrote.

"I wish you wouldn't send messages like this, it's very hard to walk away from someone you love, especially when you don't want to. I have no hard feelings towards you and absolutely don't regret meeting you. You definitely are a little coo coo but a part of me loved everything that was different about you. I just can't handle be mistreated by someone I really value it's not at all fair. But I'm sure if you wanted things To be different they would be but maybe it's to hard for you."

The coo coo part was an inside joke of ours, but overall I was just speaking from the heart. While I was looking at the message on Facebook she started typing and then stopped and I guess decided not to respond.

After all this happened I'm feeling at peace. I'm feeling like I got closure and to be honest that's all I really wanted. I just wanted to know that I was an  integral part of her life, after all I gave so much of myself and despite her BPD I feel like we had a soul to soul connection. I'm feeling like I don't need a response from her and am at the stage where I feel like I can detach with love. Who knows maybe my feelings will change in a day or so, but at this moment I'm feeling pretty content.