EXHAUSTED

[bpdexhausted]

So this is my first posting and first membership of a blog community. I'm hoping by joining with BPD members I might break the isolation of dealing with an adult daughter with BPD. I am aware I will need to be the first to change my reactions to my daughters ongoing manipulation, however it's really isolating and hard work. I feel that if I had 2 or 3 children and was only dealing with one who had BPD, the load would not be so bad, however she is only child. I can recall when she was only 3 -4 years of age, her impulse control was already pretty poor and this continued as she grew older. She is now in her late 20s. Fear, obligation and guilt dominate my relationship with her. I truly love my grandchildren too, however when things get hard she will not allow me to see them. Breaks my heart. Anyway, here I am and here's to change. I hope. Exhausted.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[GerberDaisy]

Hi,

My adult daughter is 20 and no grandchildren involved. I have two kids and finding time for the other one that isn't riddled with stores about his system is difficult. She takes up so much of my time and my anxiety level won't come down. Your story sounds very similar to mine. Once someone mentioned BPD and I did some research, I recall back to her childhood and there were so many times that I can now connect with this disorder. The most relatable statement in your post is 'Fear, obligation and guilt dominate my relationship with her'. I completely agree with this statement in regards to my daughter. I'm just learning about this so I cant really offer up any advice but can relate for sure.
GD

[Silvermom]

I'm new here as well. I actually stumbled onto "Eggshells" as free book on Amazon prime.  BPD is my 35 year old son who lives with his dad and me and I am also exhausted.  But feeling a bit better as I read the book and realize there is support. 

[Feeling Better]

Hi BPDexhausted

I'm really sorry to hear that you are feeling isolated dealing with your BPD daughter, you will find lots of support here.

You sound very positive and open minded, just what your daughter needs, there is lots to learn about BPD which should help you enormously with your relationship with your daughter.

You mentioned that you thought your load might have been eased if you had 2 or 3 kids instead of just the one. Personally I think it's hard no matter how many kids you have, but having more than one child does bring different dynamics into play. I have 3 adult children all now in their 30's, my youngest, my son has BPD traits. My oldest daughter says that she has never witnessed any of his borderline behaviour so she is unconvinced that he has it. My other daughter has seen it and she used to tell me that I allowed him to walk all over me, and of course she was right because I was too scared to say anything as I always felt like I was walking on eggshells. Family get-togethers, whether they be birthdays or Christmas or for any other occasion were a nightmare for me simply because my son would stay away. It was heartbreaking knowing that my family was incomplete. It is something that I have just had to come to terms with.

I know how it feels with my son and it must feel the same to you with your daughter. As to your grandchildren, my heart goes out to you, it must hurt you deeply when you are unable to see them.

I wish you well and sincerely hope that things begin to improve for you x

[Huat]

I'm in my mid 70's and my heart goes out to all you younger Moms.  I have walked down some similar paths for the past 40 years.  On and off I've experienced the alienation, the separation from my precious grandchildren, the absolute heartbreak.  I've cried buckets... .sometimes started to cry as soon as my eyes opened from sleep.  

I do remember those feelings of fear, obligation, guilt which held me hostage for so long.  I do remember cringing at the thought of birthdays, holidays which seemed to be her favourite times for a meltdown which resulted in so many ruined family gatherings.

Yes, there have been "good times"... .times when all was forgotten... .a thing in the past... .only to be caught by surprise again and again... .another blow-up... .reasons known only to her... .and the cycle would continue.

At this point in time because of our daughter's escalating verbal abuse (verbal abuse that could very well turn to physical abuse as we age even more), we have had to distance ourselves from her.  While that is a sad thing (and I confess to my bravado wavering at times), it has also been liberating.  We have taken control of our lives, taken away the control we gave her for so many years.  No pipe dreams, we have accepted reality... .what is... .IS... .and are dealing with it accordingly.

I read a wonderful line recently... ."healing is a journey, not a destination."  How true that is when you are a parent who is living through such unbelievable hurt that can be caused by a child you love so much.

Of course, dealing with a child who is suicidal is a whole different kettle of worms.  My heart goes out to those of you who are facing such a crisis!  As hard as it is, though, you have to keep telling yourself that you are doing the best you can to help your child... .and you will continue to do so.  You would not be the cause if, heaven forbid, your child was stricken with cancer... .you are not the cause of your child's mental illness.  I so wish better days ahead for you.

Keep posting... .keep venting.  Know that you are NOT alone.