NC and missing him

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

He left 2 and a half months ago. We emailed for a while.


He wanted to have an instant messaging talk for closure. I agreed because frankly, he didn't know I would refuse to see him after he left.  it was the only way I could end it. To be nice and even affectionate and encourage his trip to his hometown. If Iwas not totally supportive and kind he would not have left. He needs that security to travel otherwise he cancels flight. It was terribly difficult to email that I could not see him.

He felt blindsided. He was. So we messaged. He got angry and accused me of being cold And distant like my family. He blamed me for an affair he had.  The next day he said in email that he  hoped he hadn't been too harsh. He seemed to accept the end and sia we had six hears of love and devotion. Wow I don't see it that way.

Why was he idealizing things and able to just thank me and stop contact?was it because he truly sees me as unable to give him what he needs and accepts it? Or he found someone else. Or he could tell I wouldn't let him back in so had to start finding another source?

I miss the good part of him now. I am feeling lonely after a difficult family incident.

Thank you friends.

[anna58]

He left 2 and a half months ago. We emailed for a while.


He wanted to have an instant messaging talk for closure. I agreed because frankly, he didn't know I would refuse to see him after he left.  it was the only way I could end it. To be nice and even affectionate and encourage his trip to his hometown. If Iwas not totally supportive and kind he would not have left. He needs that security to travel otherwise he cancels flight. It was terribly difficult to email that I could not see him.

He felt blindsided. He was. So we messaged. He got angry and accused me of being cold And distant like my family. He blamed me for an affair he had.  The next day he said in email that he  hoped he hadn't been too harsh. He seemed to accept the end and sia we had six hears of love and devotion. Wow I don't see it that way.

Why was he idealizing things and able to just thank me and stop contact?was it because he truly sees me as unable to give him what he needs and accepts it? Or he found someone else. Or he could tell I wouldn't let him back in so had to start finding another source?

I miss the good part of him now. I am feeling lonely after a difficult family incident.

Thank you friends.

[patientandclear]

I understand missing him even though it was your choice to stop. I feel the same. There are no easy paths here.

My ex wBPD would talk about how he hated that I "made" him push me away (by loving him). Like your guy blaming you for his affair. These are important pieces of evidence about why these relationships are so problematic. They cope with their bad feelings destructively and harm the relationship and then that is your fault. It's a tough dynamic.

The challenge for us--the challenge of mental health--is to remain on a path even though it hurts and results in loss of something that had value. I find that incredibly tough. It's so tempting to soothe the feelings by undoing our decisions.

For what it's worth, I've followed your story and it seems to me you've been wise and kind throughout. Your reasons for bringing this to a close were excellent and thoughtful and you haven't toyed with him or made it any more painful than it absolutely had to be.

My ex seems to have accepted my decision to end our once-beautiful thing this time. Haven't heard from him for a year. I was very clear and fairly kind. Some combination of knowing it is futile, not wanting to let me say no, and not wanting to let things get uglier, plus some rationalizing devaluation, is what I attribute that to. It's sad to lose him. But it's good that neither of us are messing around with the decision anymore.

I'm very impressed with how you have handled this the whole way.

[anna58]

Patient and Clear, thank you for your supportive and gentle response. It means a lot to hear you have followed my story. You know, to feel known and heard... .that helps ease the pain.  I don't think I have ever banished someone from my life before. Men have left before, or I have left them. But I've never said that I don't want to see them. That is so hard.

I was not a good version of myself with him. I feel very sad. So much loss. I am not sure how much better a version of myself I can be. This is a terrible thing to say, but some days I'd rather be wrapped up in the mess with him just to have someone to share life with.  My life right now isn't in the greatest place--in issues unrelated to him. I guess this is about putting my life back together in some form that is improved. But I am getting older and have a disability so it isn't as easy to come up with options.  Blah. Feeling sad today.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi anna58,

I am not sure how much better a version of myself I can be. This is a terrible thing to say, but some days I'd rather be wrapped up in the mess with him just to have someone to share life with.  My life right now isn't in the greatest place--in issues unrelated to him. I guess this is about putting my life back together in some form that is improved. But I am getting older and have a disability so it isn't as easy to come up with options.  Blah. Feeling sad today.

I think to face what you are without sacrificing your boundaries with your ex is a very strong and brave version of yourself and who could ask for more from you?  It isn't a terrible thing to say anna - it is a human thing.  It's natural for us to seek support and comfort from a loving other at times of hardship. 

I too am going through some extremely tough stuff at the moment and the longing for someone to lean on is strong in me as well so I can totally relate to you there.  I have to remind myself that my ex was not the right person to be able to be there consistently for me in the way that I would need.  In fact, his dramas would leave me more depleted and things would in fact be harder to cope with than they are.  Support is available in different places and sometimes we have to seek it out.  Try to gather whatever you can around yourself.  Only squeaky wheels get oiled! 

When we deal with these things ourselves and manage to see them through we can have great pride that we managed it on our own and recognise our ability to handle such difficulties.  Meantime I'm so glad that we have this place where we can look out for one another and share. 

You are stronger than you think.  We all are.  Give yourself some self soothing today in whatever way you need to - you deserve it! 

Love and light x       

[SurvivingBPDex]

Thank you Anna for your post. Your post sound so similar to my feelings. I don't always post but I read a lot of what goes on this particular page. I am so lonely and seeking therapy. I am so sorry to hear you are alone too. You also posted you have a disability that must be tough. I have only been away from my BPD ex for about six weeks
 There are days that are more difficult to bear than others. I still cry and miss him terribly but I try to remember the drama and controle he had over me and I try so hard to stay away NC. All I can do is pray to be strong. Your writing has made me realize that others are going through the same or similar situation as me. I don't feel so alone. I sincerely hope from the bottom of my heart that thing get better for you and that you don't feel so alone. Take care.