He has moved on, and I am completely stuck and crushed

[NYGirl33]

Hi All,

I posted a few weeks ago giving a brief overview of my story with my ex who seems to be a co-morbid of cluster B personality disorders,  of over a year. I am having a tremendously difficult time getting past through this. I cannot stop ruminating and analyzing every single detail, and what was real and what wasn't. It all felt so real to me up until the very last day before we broke up. I have no closure at all. Does this feeling ever go away?

I did something bad and made contact 2 weeks ago asking him if we could get together just to talk and get some closure. He didn't even respond to me. I couldn't believe it. He is with my replacement now (whom is a recycle) , and I believe I have been split black. I am the bad one.  There is part of me that wants to reach out to him and explain to him everything he did to hurt me, and explain to him how I invested every ounce of my being into our relationship, and how betrayed I feel and how unfair this all is, but I know its not going to help and he will likely not even respond to me.

I am just at a loss for how to move past this. I am doing everything I possibly can. Going to therapy once a week, spending time with friends and family and trying to focus on me. Reading books, time with my children, etc. I just feel so blindsighted. I was planning a life with this man and now I have no closure, don't understand what happened and feel as if the last year didn't even happen. It was so real to me and its just such an intense pain to know that he has fully moved on and does not even acknowledge me at all. I expected something... .texts from him, calls, asking for my forgiveness... but Nothing. Its as if he doesnt care about me at all and I meant nothing.

Have any of you out there had the same experience? How long did it take for you to come to peace with it? We live around the corner from one another and the replacement lives very close as well, so its constantly haunting me. I have some good days, and then I have some very bad days where I cannot stop thinking about it and I miss him terribly even despite the awful things he has done. The pathological lies and manipulation. :-(

And lastly, have any of you found love that has surpassed the love you felt with your ex partner? I have never felt love like that in my life. I thought he was the love of my lifetime. I am broken hearted.

Thanks for the support. This board has been very helpful for me . I guess I just wanted to talk to others who are in the same boat or have been here before.

[roberto516]

I was planning a life with this man and now I have no closure, don't understand what happened and feel as if the last year didn't even happen. It was so real to me and its just such an intense pain to know that he has fully moved on and does not even acknowledge me at all. I expected something... .texts from him, calls, asking for my forgiveness... but Nothing. Its as if he doesnt care about me at all and I meant nothing.


And lastly, have any of you found love that has surpassed the love you felt with your ex partner? I have never felt love like that in my life. I thought he was the love of my lifetime. I am broken hearted.

I'm sorry for what has been happening in your life. It is definintely something that is horrible to experience. I understand the feelings. I too thought, despite all of it, that I wanted to spend my life with her. She knew that. Once my student loans were paid off (which they are now) that I was going to move in with her and start our future. But now I'm a memory. After 2 weeks of me being away she was done with us. I guess I wasn't providing her needs anymore. It meant that little to her in the long run.

I dated someone before this ex (who definitely had BPD traits) and I felt the same. And then this ex I thought she was the one. So I guess I don't know if you can find real love after a relationship like this. Because my two real loves were people with BPD/npd traits. But people have posted here saying they have found a real love after this.

I know how hard this can be. It's still hard for me. It's just a matter of moving on for ourselves and not for anyone else.

My therapist told me something yesterday which has helped me. She said "I think you expect the grief to just go away and you'll go back to normal. But you'll never go back to the old you. It's a matter of accepting that this stuff will create a new normal for you. It might not be as great as the normal life you knew when you were single. But you will be wiser this time." It kind of gave me solace. Thought I'd relay it to you.

[APB0613]

I can relate. I've been out of the relationship with my BPDxbf for a over a year and a half now. Since then i dated another guy that I'm convinced is a narcissistic sociopath. I'll admit i loved him but i think i loved the illusion more. Or that i was a victim of my own fantasy, i thought this time it'll be different and it wasn't .  In some ways it was worse. Less than a month after we broke up he was with someone else and that hurt like hell but she'll experience the same thing i did it's only a matter of time. He'll have to constantly jump from relationship to relationship because eventually we'll get tired of the mess and the crappy treatment and "abandon" him. The good old self fulfilling prophecy as it were.
Then my BPDx tried to recycle me about 2-3 weeks ago. We talked and spent a little time together and the entire time i felt a lot of anxiety and my ptsd was triggered. I told him i couldn't see him or talk to him anymore but it didn't matter. It was just a ploy to get his new girlfriend of 8 months (who is also pregnant) under more control. He manipulated our interaction to break her down further. I have a lot of guilt about that. First because i knew better than to beak NC second that I KNEW IN MY HEART OF HEARTS he hadn't changed and third that because of this another person was broken down even further in the same ways i was. Le sigh... .
I've never known a love greater than what i experienced with the BPDx but i know it wasn't real. From my point it was from his not so much. I only served one purpose and that was to take care of him financially mentally emotionally. To fulfill his every want and need with nothing in return. I wish i could tell you it gets easier. I agree with Roberto, we'll never be who we were before but we will become us 2.0

[Justbecause]

I came to understand mine was probably cheating on me before we broke up, and rushed into engagement and cohabitation. Things I never felt comfortable doing given how manipulated she made me feel.

It's been several months, it still hurts. It's a mix of sadness and loss, mixed with anger. It's a very complicated bunch of emotions because you were not given closure of the truth. What you describe is very similar to my experience.

Because it's so confusing it's very hard to pick it apart, and make sense of what is right to feel. They lied, they controlled, they took advantage of love and trust, thats psychological and emotional abuse... .its trauma. You have post truamatic stress.

Knowing you are not alone and not crazy is comforting, if have been abused and you did not deserve it. It will get easier, it is getting easier. Stay no contact, concentrate on your self. I feel no love for mine now, but huge frustration and anger that she did what she did (destroy my job with false accusations and cheat on me for months, lie and control and them abandon me once she secured her safety from those accusations - we worked for same place)

Why does she feel no guilt, why no sorry and why no remorse? Same for you it seems. Why? Because they do not operate like you and I, they do not have a sense of emotional morality and people are no more than trampolines for their self esteem. The big question is not why they are so cruel, it's why you allowed yourself to get in this mess in the first place. Never let it happen again mate. Learn and grow stronger. You did not deserve it

 All the best

[MarkMo]

She wanted to marry me and moved in and seemed perfect. I chose to ignore the signs that were similar to my BPD ex-wife. This one hurt more because I thought it was perfect. A day after she kissed my boys goodbye, she was wife her recycled ex. Two weeks later she married him. It's been 3 weeks since this all happened and I don't know what to do. She has threatened me with a restraining order because I texted and said "hello". She attacks me and blames me and under sells her role in what happened. She is married now and I know better but I can only think of how happy I wanted to be. It's hard and only time can help. I don't know what else. That's all I can tell you.

[wastelandchic]

Hi All,

I posted a few weeks ago giving a brief overview of my story with my ex who seems to be a co-morbid of cluster B personality disorders,  of over a year. I am having a tremendously difficult time getting past through this. I cannot stop ruminating and analyzing every single detail, and what was real and what wasn't. It all felt so real to me up until the very last day before we broke up. I have no closure at all. Does this feeling ever go away?

Hi NYGirl - Speaking from experience, the feeling will begin to fade but I can also assure you that you will in fact land back at square one if you insist on "working it out" or seeking closure. I went through various recycles (most of them before I could even conceptualize what it was or entailed). The reason you received no closure is because they don't want you to have that shred of piece of mind. Such is the extent of their mental illness. They remain in a position of power if you are left doing PRECISELY what you are doing now: ruminating, over analyzing, regretting, longing, etc. He has left the door open to various charms which will likely follow in short order. But before you get excited about the possibility of hearing from him again (I understand all too well how that rush of adrenaline and dopamine seemingly alleviate the pain temporarily), keep this in the back of your mind: you will, without fail, end up feeling worse overall. You will ultimately be left further removed from the closure you seek if you can imagine that.

I did something bad and made contact 2 weeks ago asking him if we could get together just to talk and get some closure. He didn't even respond to me. I couldn't believe it. He is with my replacement now (whom is a recycle) , and I believe I have been split black. I am the bad one.  There is part of me that wants to reach out to him and explain to him everything he did to hurt me, and explain to him how I invested every ounce of my being into our relationship, and how betrayed I feel and how unfair this all is, but I know its not going to help and he will likely not even respond to me.

The fact that he is with your replacement at this very moment (and a recycle to boot) says it all. When my exBPD GF started up on dating sites within MINUTES of us breaking up, I was aghast. Point of fact - I actually caught her on a dating site while we were together and when confronted she lied her as* off about it. This put a very fine point on the whole context of the relationship. All those things that felt real were in fact BS or maybe they were real momentarily but a long term future with this woman was all but rendered impossible from the moment I realized that she was COMPELLED to find a replacement, any replacement, because she simply cannot sit with herself and grieve and feel remorse like the rest of us. She is incapable of staring into the void that is her being. Normal/healthy people feel loss and they let it wash over them. They confront it. The address it. They try and fortify themselves through the recovery process. Such was not the case with my ex nor most BPDs. It was onward and upward immediately. And yes, that feels like complete sh*t! It begs the nagging question: was any of it real and did he love me? He may have loved you in some manner but what I assure you is it was not in the same manner you loved him. You allowed him to create a false persona (which he's doing again with your replacement and the one after her) and that is truly why he "loved you" because you breathed life into an empty vessel.

And just for the sake of full disclosure, I did precisely what you're contemplating. And to be clear, I wrote her a very lengthy email describing in great detail how sh*ittily she had treated me, how she had often erupted in rage over minor issues that few people take the time and energy to even consider, that she was likely suffering from BPD and that she should seek some counseling. And while the prevailing advice is don't do it, I honestly felt a bit vindicated. I had blocked her and was NC but she still called, in a very calm and collected manner mind you, and left a voice mail expressing her "thanks" for letting her know how I felt. I did feel that I owed her a phone call in response to that voluminous letter and so long story short, a face to face meeting ensued. The crazy thing is, I said things that were specifically intended to rip the mask entirely from her false self and leave her feeling so ashamed and so wracked with guilt as to leave no possible inroad. BPDs are known for their silver tongues but I'm no slouch when it comes to finding ways to strike nerves deeply and repeatedly. Incredibly, she was apparently so limited in NS at that moment that she still lowered herself to meeting me despite my very frank, direct and often insulting missive. It stopped short of a recycle but I will tell you this: that ever so brief encounter DID set me back considerably. The worst thing I did was pick up that phone in response to her voice mail and start contemplating possibilities and potentialities. Ultimately I came to my senses after she started with the "I need time to think" nonsense and so I texted her one night and told her I was done. We've been NC since that day.

I am just at a loss for how to move past this. I am doing everything I possibly can. Going to therapy once a week, spending time with friends and family and trying to focus on me. Reading books, time with my children, etc. I just feel so blindsighted. I was planning a life with this man and now I have no closure, don't understand what happened and feel as if the last year didn't even happen. It was so real to me and its just such an intense pain to know that he has fully moved on and does not even acknowledge me at all. I expected something... .texts from him, calls, asking for my forgiveness... but Nothing. Its as if he doesnt care about me at all and I meant nothing.

Our situations sound eerily similar. I, too, was entirely enamored and in love with this woman. We moved very quickly during the love bombing phase and so serious discussions about moving in together, cementing our relationship formally, etc. were commonplace. I falsely believed that we were in fact meant for one another much like you did and you'll find that virtually EVERYONE on this board felt the same way at some point. I'm sure you and I were in similar places. I am a single dad with two little girls. She was a single mom with three older daughters and in that respect we had gone quite far in melding our families together. Here's the thing, dear - there is no silver bullet for recovery from disordered people. Believe me, I have contemplated every shortcut imaginable. If only I could get this person out of my head and stop the pain. It's no use. There is no substitute for taking it all in. Laying down with your pain and sorting through the jumble of emotions that are making your life a living hell. Take solace in knowing that YOU are getting a jump on getting better while he will be mired in this illness... .forever. Your pain is temporary, his is permanent. You will come out the other side a better person. You will wake up one day and find that the bad days are considerably easier. And then one fine day, you won't think of him at all. Keep doing what you're doing. Let yourself feel all the pain. Eventually your own sense of well being will kick in and you will begin to recover your own identity, self-esteem and happiness. I know how glib this sounds right now but you will eventually get to the far shore. I promise.

Have any of you out there had the same experience? How long did it take for you to come to peace with it? We live around the corner from one another and the replacement lives very close as well, so its constantly haunting me. I have some good days, and then I have some very bad days where I cannot stop thinking about it and I miss him terribly even despite the awful things he has done. The pathological lies and manipulation. :-(

The last 18 months of my life were a testament to precisely what you are going through. I'm still going through it honestly. I have good days and some really abysmal days which leaves me feeling like I'm dragging bottom. It's not a linear recovery. But I will tell you this: I am better for going NC entirely. I have blocked her in every conceivable way. I have not looked at her FB page one time. I don't unblock her number or email to see if she's reached out. I have shut her out of my life and while that seems counterintuitive because you are longing for closure, it will result in closure or the closest thing you're ever going to get.

Your ex is a deeply disturbed individual who was never really capable of love and commitment as we know it. I know this sounds like a cliche but SERIOUSLY consider yourself lucky that you found out now. You are, ironically, idealizing your ex now. You are recalling how he made you feel but in doing so you are unintentionally blocking out the incredibly hurtful and manipulative things he did. Imagine if you had progressed to the point of marriage, cohabitating and shared children and finances? Can you honestly fathom how utterly F'd you'd be right now? Trapped in the most dysfunctional relationship imaginable? No, you're going to be fine darlin'. And about your question below... .I am now in another relationship and admittedly my new GF does not inspire the same kind of giddiness, raw animal attraction or sense of connectedness (even though she is smarter, more attractive inside and out and is so very healthy emotionally) but I realize that is actually a GOOD thing. We are laying down the foundation for a real relationship, not one built on lies and mirroring. We are stable, caring, concerned, steady and patient. She is very familiar with what I went through and has been incredibly understanding and tolerant and that my dear is GENUINE love. Give yourself plenty of time to work through your issues before you start dating but be aware that you will likely feel trepidation and a certain unintentional inability to give intimacy the way you did before. This is normal and will flow through you with time. Good luck to you and feel free to contact me if you need someone to talk to. We cannot make it through this stuff alone I've convinced myself.

[sadboi]

Hi NYGirl33,

This is probably the most relatable post I have come across on this site. All of the emotions and pain you described are exactly how I felt, and still do feel but in a less consuming way than I did.

I was analyzing everything so much I could hardly sleep, and when I did finally sleep, I would have nightmares about my ex. My therapist said this compulsive analyzation, that is continuing to happen even in my dreams, was my way of trying to get closure and understand everything that happened.

She also told me that I will never be able to fully understand everything that happened because my ex's behavior just doesn't actually make any sense, as is often the case. The actions are irrational, and while we can technically understand things like devaluation from reading about it, it is impossible for us to fully understand how that feels.

And its excrutiating- when you read up on everything and you start understanding, all you want to do is show your ex. Is explain to them and say "look this is what you're doing! your behavior doesn't make any sense, and it's hurting me so much." But we have to accept that this can't happen, that if it were that easy, we wouldn't be having these problems.

Being split black, as I am also at the moment, is so painful. You're right, it feels like they don't care at all. And it isn't fair to be left hurting and suffering while they seem to be entirely fine, blissfully in a new relationship.

I have good days and bad days too. It has been almost a month and the bad days happen less and less often and they aren't nearly as bad as they used to be.

I know what you're saying, too, about wondering if you will ever be in  love with someone the same way. This was the most I'd ever loved someone, too, and there are times when I worry that it won't happen again. I told my therapist this and she I put in so much love to this relationship because of how much I cared about my ex, and in the end, because of her BPD she couldn't give it back. But that one day, I will put all of that into somebody who will be able to give it back, and that will be a lasting love.

I'm sorry you are hurting so much, but I understand. It is terrible, and unfair, and consuming, and nothing makes sense. It's the most painful thing to be so hurt by someone, and then have them split you black, blame you, treat you like you deserve it.

Just know that the love you shared was real, when it was happening, your ex felt it too, even if it manifested differently for him. Also know that even if you made mistakes in the relationship, this outcome is not your fault. Your ex isn't stable enough to be in the relationship that you were fostering.

It is hard for me to accept a lot of these things sometimes; my ex's opinion of me still feels really important. She made me feel so loved and appreciated and understood and unstoppable, and it is so hard to imagine how someone can go from feeling like that about you to just not anymore. All those good things about you are still true, they are still in you even if he isn't recognizing them anymore.

I am so sorry that you're hurting so much, but I see you and understand your pain. It will lessen over time, I promise.