Im all over the place? Hello everyone.

[AloneInThis]

My partner is pretty positive she has BPD (self diagnosed recently, and I tried to warn her that its not wise to self diagnose but that didnt work out so well) As Im reading more and more on this site, I feel like a lot of these situations I can relate to and it may be true.

Im personally torn between not wanting to believe it and feeling like I have been already battling her and this illness the entire time.
In the 6 years weve been together we have split 4 times across multiple states. We have a 3 year old child together.

We are trying to work things out again and have been moved in together for a week now, after a 6 month break (left me on christmas day).

I have always tried my hardest to fix everything but it is so strange that when I am reading about the traits I feel as if some of them are hitting right on the money in myself. Is it normal for someone in a relationship with BPD to mirror these traits, i wonder if its possible that somehow both of us are suffering from the same things.

The hardest thing is sitting through these conflicts knowing I did nothing to cause them, but the only way to end the conflict is to accept blame even though I feel its only enabling the behavior. On this note I really feel like the S.E.T. technique will be something I can use in these situations to make them go smoothly.

One of the biggest frustrations I have in accepting blame to end a conflict, is that I know it creates a momentum shift where the unacceptable behavior becomes acceptable. I feel like my partner grew to resent me for this.

The truth is I feel like, even if she is serious about having BPD everything she seems to share with me implies that she is blameless  in all of this, and that all of the work is basically me learning to cope with her.

We will be starting a couples therapy in a week but I dont really think he specializes in BPD or anything of that nature, its just a general communication talk therapy and its really all we can afford right now.

Im sorry this is all over the place and I hope in the future I can formulate my ideas a little better and contribute here. Im glad to have found this forum and at the moment I feel like I just need to say something to get the ball rolling. I have dealt with this alone the entire time, I have been painted as a villain in the relationship to everyone in our social circle because I refuse to point the finger at her and for some reason Im still here because I made a promise to take care of this person forever.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Turkish]

Whether she fits the clinical Dx of BPD or not,  I have no doubt that you have been battling these traits.

The truth is I feel like, even if she is serious about having BPD everything she seems to share with me implies that she is blameless  in all of this, and that all of the work is basically me learning to cope with her.

This would be tough to deal with.  On the one hand,  it seems good that she found an answer,  perhaps, but on the other hand,  the attitude might be like,  "you wouldn't hold me responsible of I had cancer,  would you?"

She isn't responsible for her feelings,  but she is for her behaviors. The insidious thing about BPD for sufferers is that at times they may realize that they are responsible.  My ex used to admit it to me,  and she'd feel horribly when she acted out to me in front of the kids,  but dysregulation continued. BPD is a shame-based disorder, in addition to the emotional dysregulation. Feelings are all over the place,  as you know. 

It's good that you've identified SET. This is a good,  basic communication technique. More discussion and other techniques are in Lesson 3 to the right margin on the Improving Board. Understanding more about BPD behaviors are in the earlier lessons.  Take a look and tell us what you think. 

How is your 3 year old doing in all of this?

Turkish

[Harley Quinn]

Hi AloneInThis,

I'd like to join Turkish in welcoming you to the site.  I'm so glad you found us, as I'm sure the information here and interacting with a community that can understand your difficulties will be a huge support to you, as it is to me.

One of the biggest frustrations I have in accepting blame to end a conflict, is that I know it creates a momentum shift where the unacceptable behavior becomes acceptable. I feel like my partner grew to resent me for this.

Whilst it is noble to want to keep your partner 'on a level' and avoid escalation in dysregulated behaviours, one thing I learned that helped me so much was around validation.  Specifically not validating the invalid. 

It's really useful to steer clear of JADEing (justify, argue, defend, explain), and rather than using these, good use of validation is a skill that, when practised can allow us to sidestep taking undue blame on ourselves, instead cuts to the emotion that our partners are feeling and what is causing it.  The outward behaviours, accusations etc. are just a means of venting that emotion.  There is a really helpful video here that made lots of sense to me, and I hope it does to you too if you've not already seen it:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=206132

Once I began applying validation to our communication (it took practise and was hard at first) I found it had positive results.  We were able to move through his triggered emotions to continue with a reasonable conversation.  It's clear you're both looking to improve the way things are playing out for the benefit of your child and I hope that this can help for you.  Once you get good at validation you can also use it to validate yourself, which is important! 

It's encouraging to hear that your partner has identified that she has some issues.  Would she be open to seeking a professional diagnosis and some recommendations on how to manage coping with her traits?  If you find that the couples therapy is not as effective as you'd like, perhaps this could be an option.

Keep reading and posting.  This site is a gold mine of helpful resources and valuable support from others in similar situations.  You're not alone.

Love and light x