Recycling...

[blueblue12]

The topic of recycling comes through quite a lot here, what are your experiences?

I was in a marriage for over ten years, she then decided I was "too controlling, insecure" so she bulldozed our marriage. Became cold, detached and while living together game me for almost six months the silent treatment. Unbeknown to me she started a new relationship which she never disclosed while living with me that then went sour and lots of bad things happened. Then after a two month NC from me she was back!

After she begged me for days just to have a cup of coffee I did meet with her. My T at the same time was telling me that I could meet her but to be cool and a tad detached and not go for a drink. Well the meeting was overwhelming to say the least. She saw me and hugged me for fifteen minutes straight crying uncontrollably! We talked she was so sorry for everything. I ended up seduced right there and then, and did all the things my T told me not do, we had drinks, cuddle all day and ended up in a hotel all night long! But a few days later she started going back to the old ways again, looking for arguments, etc... .after a week or so I decided to go NC again. Then I started to receive random texts stating that she couldn't move on now, she loved me too much. I kept fairly distant. Later I also got a call at 4am crying uncontrollably again, she missed me too much she said, then later texts asking for us to start again, a "fresh start."

Well I am now in a position where upon I have slowly regained quite a lot of self esteem, I now understand that it wasn't really my fault, it was the way things were going to end up with a BPD partner, I couldn't fix anything really. So I have stayed away and have slowly developed my own life. I am involved in my things and I am living my life away from the turmoil. I do miss her and I miss our life but I can also see that it wasn't really that good for me. I was the husband, father, lover, protector, rescuer, financial provider, cook, you name it. That was my role, what did I get or what was I getting out of this? Not a lot really. I was the rescuer and my role was defined as such from the beginning I think now.

But I put up with it. I was going to be with her forever, that was my plan. I never envisage betraying her with someone else, ever, I just was not interested, my life revolved around her and her needs. In hindsight I was wrong and I ended up paying for it. I now think that I wasn't controlling at all, she ended up controlling me always. But from reading posts here in this forum I know that this has been the experience of most people in this forum that they put it on you, there is something wrong with you. I was also convinced that there was something wrong with me. No longer.

Now I feel so disappointed in her actions, as my T says "she bulldozed everything, it was just a little chapter in her life, she can come back from that easily in her mind." Problem is I can't, the loyalty and trust has gone, how can one start again? How can you forgive the unforgivable? I feel that it is too late, and it hurts as I was obsessed with her, but now I see the other side.

Have you been recycled? Has anything changed? I miss her but too much bad stuff has happened, I can't do another recycle, one was enough!

[Skip]

I think this is more about infidelity than recycling. Recycling here, generally refers to make-up and break up cycles.

So... .can a marriage recover from infidelity? Yes, in some cases. No, in others. It really has to do with the commitment of both parties and how well coached the couple is. In virtually all cases, it is a huge blow and betrayal and there is an enormous amount of injury to the party who was deceived.

It sounds like your commitment is wavering. That is, of course, often the first reaction.

As for her reaction that she can just come back... .that is not unusual in infidelity. The whole affair looks very different to the person doing it and they often minimize, in their own mind, the damage that has been done. They often (in most infidelity) feel justified. Often there is some merit to it (might not be much, but something was wrong). It takes a lot of work on her part to rebuild the relationship. A lot of people don't understand that.

I hope this helps in framing the situation. I'm not suggesting you stay or leave, just trying to profile some of the common actions and feelings in these situation.

It's a huge betrayal you have had to deal with.

How long since the affair ended? Are you living apart? What is your T suggesting?

[marti644]

but now I see the other side.

Hi Raul,

What do you mean by this line?

I'm sorry how hurt you are, loyalty and trust are not bonds easily healed at least in my experience.

I never recycled to my knowledge although there were at least two instances that later I knew about after coming on this site with my BPD-ex; in the very end she tried to truly recycle me after raging but I declined and went NC.

But I did with another former partner.  We were on and off for years between my more serious long-term romantic relationships. We were never able to overcome the obstacles to our relationship; which were numerous. Only in the last two years did I cut-off friendly contact with her, as I thought it wasn't healthy for the both of us to know each other. There was no long term future for us and we were holding each-other back in the short-term so it was better for both of us to just let it go. That was just my experience though, it really depends on the effort made by both parties to change the dysfunction that led to the initial breakup I think.

My recycle with this former partner just prolonged the pain, and nothing was served in terms of long-term relationships by us hanging on to each-other. In the end it was far more painful to recycle for me once I realized she wasn't willing to really change and acknowledge what was needed to have a healthy relationship.

Hang in there my friend,

marti