Am I being charmed, or am I just paranoid after 3 months of N/C?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi everybody,

I need to know if I'm being charmed or not.

My ex BPD girlfriend and I of 2 1/2 years broke up 3 months ago on less than friendly terms.  I was booted out of our place because of a few things:

a.) She was fired from her job for fraud a month prior and my response was that of disbelief (not concern, like she anticipated).  She stole $1000 from her boss, who was one of the very few genuinely GREAT people in her life, and
b.) The same night that she told me about being fired, she admitted to cheating on me more than once with the same guy a year and a half prior. I put my foot down and set boundaries that she refused to deal with or accept.

So after over 2 years of abuse, I knew the drill.  If I packed up my stuff on my own accord, she would get the cops involved again, or try attacking me or my belongings with a butcher knife again.  I played the waiting game and sure enough, she had an episode and told me to leave and never come back.  And so I did; I packed up my stuff and put it into my car, never to see or speak to her again.

A month after we split up, she sent me an email asking for me to send her her resume as it was "the only one that she had", which I knew was a lie.  But this Tuesday, she sent me an email saying the following:

From:  *****
Date:  August 2nd 3:04 am

I'm just saying hi. You don't have to hate me anymore. I'm sorry, and everything else. I wish you peace, love and happiness.
I know I won't get a response, but I know you'll read it.
I've also kept everything as it was in my will and beneficiaries, you're still the only one I trust. No matter what. You seen me through my worst. You know my wishes.
Best to you *****. And I mean that, it's not an episode. It's from me. Take care, you have a beautiful soul even if I didn't see it then.

Again, I haven't responded or said anything to her for 100+ days now.  I don't know what to think.  It's strange, it didn't bother me at all for the first couple of days since receiving the email.  But over the past day I have this strong urge to say something to her, and I have no clue what it is that I want to say.

She is absolutely terrible with money and both my gut and logic says that they're ulterior motives on her part that have to do with money, or a lack thereof.  Then again, I don't know, maybe she has turned a new leaf.  Is that even possible?

I would genuinely appreciate your personal input.  I admire and respect all of your experience and knowledge.  Thank you.

[Omission]

Hi everybody,

I need to know if I'm being charmed or not.

My ex BPD girlfriend and I of 2 1/2 years broke up 3 months ago on less than friendly terms.  I was booted out of our place because of a few things:

a.) She was fired from her job for fraud a month prior and my response was that of disbelief (not concern, like she anticipated).  She stole $1000 from her boss, who was one of the very few genuinely GREAT people in her life, and
b.) The same night that she told me about being fired, she admitted to cheating on me more than once with the same guy a year and a half prior. I put my foot down and set boundaries that she refused to deal with or accept.

So after over 2 years of abuse, I knew the drill.  If I packed up my stuff on my own accord, she would get the cops involved again, or try attacking me or my belongings with a butcher knife again.  I played the waiting game and sure enough, she had an episode and told me to leave and never come back.  And so I did; I packed up my stuff and put it into my car, never to see or speak to her again.

A month after we split up, she sent me an email asking for me to send her her resume as it was "the only one that she had", which I knew was a lie.  But this Tuesday, she sent me an email saying the following:

From:  *****
Date:  August 2nd 3:04 am

I'm just saying hi. You don't have to hate me anymore. I'm sorry, and everything else. I wish you peace, love and happiness.
I know I won't get a response, but I know you'll read it.
I've also kept everything as it was in my will and beneficiaries, you're still the only one I trust. No matter what. You seen me through my worst. You know my wishes.
Best to you *****. And I mean that, it's not an episode. It's from me. Take care, you have a beautiful soul even if I didn't see it then.

Again, I haven't responded or said anything to her for 100+ days now.  I don't know what to think.  It's strange, it didn't bother me at all for the first couple of days since receiving the email.  But over the past day I have this strong urge to say something to her, and I have no clue what it is that I want to say.

She is absolutely terrible with money and both my gut and logic says that they're ulterior motives on her part that have to do with money, or a lack thereof.  Then again, I don't know, maybe she has turned a new leaf.  Is that even possible?

I would genuinely appreciate your personal input.  I admire and respect all of your experience and knowledge.  Thank you.

[once removed]

hi Omission and

id have a lot of questions after receiving that (those) email too. i dont think youre being paranoid, just having an emotional response, which is pretty understandable in this case.

from my perspective, it sounds like she feels a lot of regret, and wants things to be on a better page than where they were left, which is also understandable (she doesnt want you to "hate her anymore". i think my ex felt pretty badly about how things ended for us.

if youre feeling up to it, i would recommend a polite note that acknowledges her note, thanks her, says "no hard feelings" (even if there are) and wishes her well. that still closes the door. if you decide you want to reply, i encourage you to draft it here, and we can help.

if youre not up to it, she said a few times that she wasnt expecting a response, so a response isnt necessary.

[Omission]

Hi everybody,

I need to know if I'm being charmed or not.

My ex BPD girlfriend and I of 2 1/2 years broke up 3 months ago on less than friendly terms.  I was booted out of our place because of a few things:

a.) She was fired from her job for fraud a month prior and my response was that of disbelief (not concern, like she anticipated).  She stole $1000 from her boss, who was one of the very few genuinely GREAT people in her life, and
b.) The same night that she told me about being fired, she admitted to cheating on me more than once with the same guy a year and a half prior. I put my foot down and set boundaries that she refused to deal with or accept.

So after over 2 years of abuse, I knew the drill.  If I packed up my stuff on my own accord, she would get the cops involved again, or try attacking me or my belongings with a butcher knife again.  I played the waiting game and sure enough, she had an episode and told me to leave and never come back.  And so I did; I packed up my stuff and put it into my car, never to see or speak to her again.

A month after we split up, she sent me an email asking for me to send her her resume as it was "the only one that she had", which I knew was a lie.  But this Tuesday, she sent me an email saying the following:

From:  *****
Date:  August 2nd 3:04 am

I'm just saying hi. You don't have to hate me anymore. I'm sorry, and everything else. I wish you peace, love and happiness.
I know I won't get a response, but I know you'll read it.
I've also kept everything as it was in my will and beneficiaries, you're still the only one I trust. No matter what. You seen me through my worst. You know my wishes.
Best to you *****. And I mean that, it's not an episode. It's from me. Take care, you have a beautiful soul even if I didn't see it then.

Again, I haven't responded or said anything to her for 100+ days now.  I don't know what to think.  It's strange, it didn't bother me at all for the first couple of days since receiving the email.  But over the past day I have this strong urge to say something to her, and I have no clue what it is that I want to say.

She is absolutely terrible with money and both my gut and logic says that they're ulterior motives on her part that have to do with money, or a lack thereof.  Then again, I don't know, maybe she has turned a new leaf.  Is that even possible?

I would genuinely appreciate your personal input.  I admire and respect all of your experience and knowledge.  Thank you.

hi Omission and

id have a lot of questions after receiving that (those) email too. i dont think youre being paranoid, just having an emotional response, which is pretty understandable in this case.

from my perspective, it sounds like she feels a lot of regret, and wants things to be on a better page than where they were left, which is also understandable (she doesnt want you to "hate her anymore". i think my ex felt pretty badly about how things ended for us.

if youre feeling up to it, i would recommend a polite note that acknowledges her note, thanks her, says "no hard feelings" (even if there are) and wishes her well. that still closes the door. if you decide you want to reply, i encourage you to draft it here, and we can help.

if youre not up to it, she said a few times that she wasnt expecting a response, so a response isnt necessary.

Would you mind?  I thought about it and don't want it to be emotionally too charged or lengthy.  This is what I have at the moment:

Hi *****,

I don't hate you.  I acknowledge things for what they are and how they came to be.  I can't hate somebody because what they were born with or the environment they grew up in.  I truly believe that our relationship was an experience that has and will make us better individuals.

Although we didn't work out, I admire, love and respect your children and their well-being.  I hope that they're both healthy and in good spirits.  The same with the cats. 

Please be good and honest to everyone, especially yourself.  I wish you the best. Take care.

[HopinAndPrayin]

Omission,

I would suggest taking several steps back an rereading your first two bullets on what she did - defrauding someone respectable, cheating on you, and bringing the cops in.  What are you hoping to accomplish with a response?

That email she sent makes reference to her will.  Maybe your case is different, but I would consider it click bait. 

The subtext seems to be you don't want her to feel bad and you want to be polite.  So two things on that - dealing with the repercussions of those actions and not being able to resurrect the relationship may hasten her getting into treatment.  Would you really want to deprive her of that by responding and saying, hey I forgive you for treating me disrespectfully?  Not because you don't forgive her, because forgiveness is something we give ourselves so we don't poison ourselves going forward, but because allowing her to sit with that feeling is better for her in the long run.  Second thing... .If you hadn't been in a relationship with this person would you ever be concerned about being rude or not responding to someone who stole from your place of work?  Or cheated on your best friend?  When there's no reciprocity, sometimes the best answer is no response and the space for the other person to really reflect on what they have done.

[once removed]

i think   HopinAndPrayin makes several observations here that you should consider, whatever you do or dont do. if you do respond, her response (if any) will very likely play her cards more apparently. the note youre considering should not signal an openness to significant ongoing conversation, and it doesnt.

Hi *****,

I don't hate you.  I acknowledge things for what they are and how they came to be. I can't hate somebody because what they were born with or the environment they grew up in. I truly believe that our relationship was an experience that has and will make us better individuals.

No hard feelings. (you can personalize this, but the first paragraph is emotionally loaded)

Although we didn't work out, I admire, love and respect your children and their well-being.  I hope that they're both healthy and in good spirits.  The same with the cats.  

Please be good and honest to everyone, especially yourself I hope this message finds you well.  I wish you the best. Take care.

[Skip]

But over the past day I have this strong urge to say something to her, and I have no clue what it is that I want to say.

It is hard to second guess these things, it could be a apology or a probe, or both. I tend to think, both.

If you do contact her, don't get ahead of her. Let her take the lead. Thi sis the best way to hear her out.

If you feel a need to re-litigate the breakup, I wouldn't. Its not what she wants to hear and her response or lack of a response is not what you want. There may be a time for that later.

If the relationship was mostly broken in your mind, then close it out on good terms... .


Thanks for the note. I really appreciate what you said. <optional: say something nice back>You take care, too.

Story over.

[Fishmedic]

Omission,

If you want to take a look at the 2 threads I have going on this board right now, you’ll see EXACTLY what happens if you do choose to reply. I’m in the same scenario, except my ex has a replacement, and was with him the same week we ended.

Same time frame, about 3 months (week before Mothers day was the last I saw her). 2 weeks ago she sent me the big apology/feeler text. I slept on it, and decided a short, non emotional reply was best.
I said “Hi xxxx, thanks for reaching out. I feel the same way, I wish you the best, please take care of yourself”. Thats it.

About an hour later, I received 3 or 4 more messages, probing, saying things like “ I know you’re with someone else now, and I don’t want to interfere”, trying to find out if I’ve moved on, as well as telling me how well she is doing, that she’s quit drinking/drugs, and wishes I could see her now, and she wishes we met at a different time etc etc. I replied again, even shorter, thanks, I wish you the best. She sent a total of 9 messages that day, I sent 3, all the same. She also said “please don’t respond”, “you’ll never hear from me again” and “goodbye xo xo” after her last 3 messages, but continued to reply. I was informed by friends, she also showed up at the gym that day, at the exact time I go, but I wasn’t there. Then, on Saturday, so 5 days later, she showed up at the gym and I was there, and she began calling and messaging me again. This time, I asked her not to contact me anymore as she has a BF. She replied 9 more times, which I never replied too.

Fast forward to this week, and she showed up at the gym both Monday and Tuesday while I was there, but wouldn’t look at me or acknowledge me. I then confronted her, as I bumped into her at the market after my workout, and she denied everything. I asked her to please stop doing this, it isn’t fair, and told her what she did to me wasn’t normal or healthy, and her new relationship is destined to be the same. She became enraged when I walked away, followed me, wouldn’t let me leave, phoned her new BF to come “take care of me”, then when I left, my buddy who works at the gym said she showed up with her boyfriend, screaming at the front desk, saying I’m stalking her, and tried to get my membership cancelled and have me banned. She then left me a scary voice mail, accusing me of stalking, threatening an RO and telling me to go F*** myself, and hopes I die, 3 TIMES  in the same voicemail. So now, I sit here confused, as I know this isn’t the end, and I have no idea whats going to come next. After over 2 months of complete no contact.

My suggestion, is if you are in fact done, don’t reply at all. Delete the e-mail, accept it as your closure, and move on with your life.

Fishmedic

[blueblue12]

Hey Omission,
I had the same experience. I went NC for two months after saying goodbye. She started by sending occasional texts via my son asking me for something trivial, an email address, etc. I did not engage. Then random emails would arrive with unimportant messages. I stayed quiet. Then again emails asking for an address, a number, etc, stuff she could easily find herself. After telling my T about it, he said "well maybe just send the material she asked and wish her all the best." As soon as I did that she started! She was back, could we fix our marriage she was asking, she missed me too much, etc, etc. And she also used the phrase "I am not been spontaneous" which I thought was odd as she had never used that ever before. Fast forward another month I ended up caving in to her actual begging me to see her and I was seduced back. We started again, my one recycle, but after a week or so I could see the arguments were crippling in and I just decided that was it. Went NC again. Have stayed there. Ever since, three months now, still receiving the occasional text from her stating that she "loves me too much and cannot live without me."

[Turkish]

Not to "re-litigate" the break up is a good way of putting it.  After four years and remarriage on her part,  I did something like that by text.  Her response: "we should meet to get things straight on what happened." (At the time of the break up)  I provided a target, and she shot at it.  I ignored her message and it hasn't come up in the subsequent weeks, even though I've seen her a few times and exchanged multiple messages regarding child-related matters.  I was starting to open up a can of stale worms.  My bad. 

A friendly, short, neutral  (no targets) response is best,  if you decide to respond.