Is this cheating? How to bring it up?

[228kk]

Hi guys. So my girlfriend of 9 months (we are lesbians FYI) thrives off of attention from others, as is common with pwBPD. Recently she went to the beach with a friend and, as per usual, a girl came up and flirted with her. I wasn't there and normally I wouldn't care. I trust her 100% not to cheat. All night tonight apparently this girl has been trying to sext with my girlfriend and send her explicit photos. But my gf hasn't said anything to her saying oh I'm in a relationship. In fact, I think this girl has her thinking about having sex with her. She asked me if I'd have a threesome with her, which I know is just because she wants to hook up with her without it being cheating. Am I crazy? Should this bother me or not? Currently, I'm torn and I don't know how to feel. How do I bring this up? Do I pretend it never happened. She leaves tomorrow so I doubt she'll be seeing this girl again, but what if she does? Sos

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[Turkish]

I can't say whether it should bother you,  but I'll observe that it does bother you,  yes?

Four years ago,  I "let" my ex go out at night clubbing.  I thought she was getting something out of her system, additionally incorrectly assuming it would be safe since she was going dancing at gay clubs with her gay cousins.  Little did I know that a certain contingent of heterosexual men found that scene perfect for picking up women like my ex... .but that's another story.  

I see this as a value conflict. You may be hesitant to voice your values and boundaries for fear of losing her,  or at least angering her.  I agreed to my ex going out,  while at the same time resenting her and being angry.  At the start of our r/s when we started having trouble,  she was texting an old bf, a guy she was madly in love with still. I tolerated it,  thinking,  "she'll get it out of her system. " eventually she did,  but I was hurt and angry.  That and other things led to our first break up. We recycled shortly and went on to have two children... .

My point is that I had every right to assert my boundaries,  based upon my core values.  It wasn't right for her to be in continued contact with the exbf. It wasn't right for her to go party while I stayed home with a baby and a toddler.  

I suggest that saying nothing may lead to her doing whatever she is going to do.  Much later,  my ex told me that she wanted me to tell her to stay home (that was her feeling,  wanting me to want her more).

This discussion may help:

1.08 | Boundaries - examples

T

[waverider]

You cant effectively tell someone else what they can or cant do. Especially a person with BPD, prohibition breeds rebellion. You do have a right to say your reality of how something makes you feel. If you don't then you will not be able to assert your own values, not even to yourself, this is the seeding of resentment.

If something makes you feel uncomfortable, you are entitled to say so without feeling obliged to justify it, or even fully understand it. You are simply clarifying your reality.

[isilme]

If it sets off a red flag, and you feel worried enough to post here, I would agree with Turkish and waverider that it bothers you.  You are allowed to have this feeling, no matter what your SO feels, and you are allowed to communicate that feeling.  BPD makes it hard to communicate - here is the real issue.

Depending on how you do it, you simply stating your feelings could make the person with BPD feel that since you already feel potential hurt for something they have NOT yet done, why not just do it (H tells me this all the time - "If I am already in trouble I might as well do what I am in trouble for).  It's not a rational or logical response, of course, but a super emotional one.  So be aware of this as a potential response.

Also, pwBPD have to avoid shame - admitting you feel bad for their contact with this person could trigger shame on their part - which they will need to turn around and blame on you.  It cannot be their fault you feel bad about it - they will need to make it all your fault.

If she is asking you "how do you feel about a 3-some" - tell her.  "I feel uncomfortable about it.  I don't know if I can explain why, but I don't like it and need to let you know this."  Or however you can say it.  If you felt gung ho about it, or even curious enough to outweigh your misgivings, you'd have your answer already.

In our late 20s and early 30s, I thought H wanted to "swing".  I tried to be "adventurous" once by flashing at spring break (he'd told me he did not care - actually he was very angry) and I had a friend who was rather promiscuous, and she was one to try to get us all into a weird orgy.  He surprised me by turning it down.  So, while his need for attention and desire to get adoration from as many as he could was there, his follow through on it was not that strong.  There are some instances when he went out on his own that hurt me a lot, but we moved past that years ago.  It was not easy to voice my feelings, but I did, and he resisted, wanting to be free (PUSH) but keep me around (PULL).  But we're here, now, 21 years together, and he is more introspective now, and I think realizes a lot of things he did that were wrong, immature, or hurtful. 

Tell her the truth - you don't feel good about it.  You are not obligated to tell her why.  Or, if she asks you why it bothers you, ask her why it does NOT bother her.  An overly aggressive person seeking to have casual sex with a person admittedly in a relationship sounds like bad news, to me. 

[lostandconfused6]

[/quote]

Depending on how you do it, you simply stating your feelings could make the person with BPD feel that since you already feel potential hurt for something they have NOT yet done, why not just do it (H tells me this all the time - "If I am already in trouble I might as well do what I am in trouble for).  It's not a rational or logical response, of course, but a super emotional one.  So be aware of this as a potential response.



Unfortunately this is also how my BPDbf responds... .he says "im sick of paying for something i'm not even benefiting from i might as well get some benefits form it" my typical response would be to fly off the handle and say then if you aren't benefiting from it cut them out of your life... .i have learned that doesn't work... .i am still very new to this and 90% of the time i am very good at communication with him and getting through to him but with this 1 situation i have about a 50% success rate and it sucks ( as you can see in my post from earlier i still struggle with how to deal with it completely) I wish i had better advice for you unfortunately every case of BPD is unique and no 2 seem to be the same

My most successful way of dealing with it is to talk calmly about it about and don't attack... .go to her say it's a very important matter to you go into gently and if she starts to get headed or "over loaded" as my BPDbf calls it come to a stopping point (write it down if need be) and resume later.

I wish you the best

[BowlOfPetunias]

First of all, it does not sound like you "trust her 100% not to cheat."

Having listened to many episodes of Savage Love, I think you need to have a serious discussion with your girlfriend about:
1) Do you both want monogamy?
2) If you do agree to an open or "monogamish" relationship, what behavior is OK and what behavior is a violation of the agreement?  (For example, "threesomes are OK as long as the third person is ______."  That could be a stranger, a friend, someone from out of town, a sex worker, not a coworker, etc.  Or it could be "You can have sex with other women only when you are traveling without me."
3) If you can't agree on 1 or 2, is one of you willing to give up what she wants in order to stay in the relationship?

Another lesson from Dan Savage--a lot of people cheat because they think it is easier to apologize than to ask for permission.  Have the difficult discussion about permission before it becomes a fait accompli.